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#2502538 04/27/11 09:56 AM
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Hello,

About three months ago I started suspecting that my wife of three years was having an affair. And three weeks ago I discovered it was true. She works for a small company, literally just the two of them, and they've known eachother for over 10 years since she was a little girl. He's an older, well established man, married himself for 30 years and has a few basically grown children.

My wife and I both want our marriage to work desperately, we have an almost two year old son and want him to grow up in a home with both parents that love eachother. My problem is as follows; my wife has expressed to me that she loves me and wants to be with me. But she wants to give her job a try, staying there in close contact with the man she shared love with. They both believe they can make it work and be nothing but business. I am having a hard time with that, during the weekends we are romantic, happy, and genuinely enjoy every second together and have taken steps to make our home life less stressful. But during the week when I have all day to think about them sitting in that office together and having chats to "work through their issues" I go crazy. I don't lose my temper and I do my best to not make any snide remarks because I know it isn't constructive. But I get overwhelmed with thoughts of them together and "having their cake and eating it too". The fact that she needs and wants so badly to be there I know from what she has told me isn't simply because of the job its because they work well together. I'm just not sure I will be able to handle him being in my life and the fear of a recurrence will drive me nuts and not allow me to work through what happened. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

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She has to go no contact with him for life, or there will be no recovery from the affair. Period, non-negotiable.

Does his wife know about the affair? She needs to.

How much reading have you done here? I'll go bump the newly Betrayed thread for you.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Them working together will not work. Period. And you already know that, don't you? My wife tried that, too and, umm, yeah, didn't work so well.

I second the fact that this man's wife must be told of this. That, alone, may solve the "working together" problem for you.



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His wife does know, and i had hopes that she wouldn't want her to work there, but that wasn't the case. Everyone one involved but me seems to think this situation is "unique" or "special" in some way. Which i think comes from all of their combined lack of experience in this sort of situation. i've been cheated on a good few times, but never by a wife. This is my first marriage. i have not done as much reading as i would like since my work doesn't allow for much computer time aside from a blackberry (which this website seems to crash for some reason) and while at home i try to spend and enjoy as much time with my wife and child as possible. but i do plan to read more.

My wife perceives my not being comfortable or happy with her work as me "not giving it a fair chance" i've explained to her that i'm not sure i need to give it a fair chance and that her being there doesn't allow me to move past what has happened with comfort in the present and future, with her being there i always wonder what they're doing or talking about. She says that she feels that i've already "doomed" her work situation by seeming negative. They all seem to think that one day we will all be happy and look back at this and laugh to a degree, where as i don't think i will ever be able to allow them the "friendly" (before affair) relationship that they had and will never be able to look at him without hurting, or hear her laugh at something he says without hurting. its only been three weeks since i found out, but for three months i had discussions with my wife because i knew something was happening, and she lied to me constantly, and pushed me to the point of accepting that i was losing my mind and had manifested this whole situation. While it was comforting to find my mind intact, her staying there makes me resent her and feel shes being selfish. She doesn't see it that way and wants it to work. She tells me she would leave if it became apparent it couldn't work, but i feel like she will always have an excuse to stay, or to make me wait longer.

MS115

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Welcome to MB!

This is what Dr Harley has to say about this:
Quote:
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.




More reading:
Read My Lips: No Contact Means No Contact


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Originally Posted By: MS115
His wife does know,


Have you spoken to her personally?


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She doomed her own work situation. If she is committed to recovering the marriage, get her to commit to the MB plan of recovery. Order the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Originally Posted By: MS115
My wife perceives my not being comfortable or happy with her work as me "not giving it a fair chance" i've explained to her that i'm not sure i need to give it a fair chance and that her being there doesn't allow me to move past what has happened with comfort in the present and future, with her being there i always wonder what they're doing or talking about.


This is a wayward tactic and this is called gaslighting.

Of course you don't want her to work with her affair partner, good grief!

You are going to have to make it a requirement that she leave the workplace, MS. The wayward doesn't get to call the shots when it comes to NC & EPs. That is just a recipe for a continuing affair...

Last edited by SusieQ; 04/27/11 11:41 AM.

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I suspect your real problem is your wife is not accepting the risk to your marriage by remaining in contact with the OM. Try this, there are contact details for Dr Harley on the site, schedule a call, explain the issue to him, I suspect your wife will be invited to join a second call.

Don't try solve this by persuasion, your wife is still in the affair even if it is mentally or emotionally caused by the ongoing contact, thus she will not listen to any of your suggestions.

A third party who has considerably more experience at dealing with the likes of your wife should change this situation for the better.

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If the roles were reversed do you honestly think you wife would accept you continuing to work with your lover? She is playing you for a complete fool and you are correct that she is cake eating.

She is putting her job (relationship) with the OM as a higher priority than your marriage. You and your wife need to get tested for STD's (these are the consequences of affairs), quit her job and you need to talk to the OM's wife yourself. I think there is more to this story and she is still in the affair.

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I have spoken with his wife, and i feel she is in denial to a certain degree and is letting her husbands (who as far as i know always controlled the relationship)desire to keep my wife working for him "because shes a great worker" "they make an amazing team" all these things. She thinks it necessary to give them a shot to prove it can work, but she also has a vested interest in the companys success that i do not. i don't see how it can work, and don't understand why i need to endure more hardship. I do feel like the affair is ongoing, just not in the same degree, the feelings they expressed to one another doesn't just go away because you realized you did something wrong. As i've told her and she can't deny; the only thing that they view as "wrong" with their affair is that it was just that, an affair. Had they both been single or had i not discovered an email that can't be lied its way through, it will still be ongoing in full force, and judging by the way they spoke would have eventually ended both of our marriages and them attempting to be together.

I've spoke with him as well the day after i found out. And he expressed his desire to do anything to make the job aspect work. I feel like the three of them are in denial and aren't understanding the amount of risk they're taking with their marriages by maintaining contact. I've explained all these risks to my wife, all it could take a few bad days at home for both of them and they'll reattach and comfort eachother. Even if they think they're helping eachothers marriages they don't realize they are building trust and comfort with eachother while doing it.

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There seems to be a misunderstanding that "affair" constitutes just the physical aspect. Even if they have amazing willpower to be able to avoid the physical pull of an affair, I see no way that they could avoid the emotional pull...even a look or a glance or the slightest touch will feed the flame.

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MS115, of course they shouldn't work together again or ever see other again. The very idea is preposterous. You can't ever recover your marriage until all contact ends. This is not a negotiable issue. The affairees do not want to end it because the affair is still on. It will never end until all contact ends.

I would explain to her that contact is non negotiable and DEMAND that she end all contact. You have nothing to lose becuase your marriage is DONE if she doesn't end contact. Sticking around to see if it can be done is like a getting hit by a car but continuing to play in the road to see if it happens again. That is insane. Don't be a part of insanity. Just put your foot down and protect yourself and your child.

And I would suggest you do it before he gets your wife pregnant. If you don't bust this up, that could very well be the next step. Is there any possibility this child is his?

Originally Posted By: Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."


I have been here for 10 years and have NEVER seen a marriage recover where the affairees were still in contact. I have seen NUMEROUS affairs that never ended becuase they skipped this step.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: sunnydaze53
There seems to be a misunderstanding that "affair" constitutes just the physical aspect. Even if they have amazing willpower to be able to avoid the physical pull of an affair, I see no way that they could avoid the emotional pull...even a look or a glance or the slightest touch will feed the flame.


That is basically verbatim for what I've explained to her about why I am not okay with her being there. I know how those emotions work, they wouldn't even have to say anything, but one day down the road it may just spark further in both of them and we'll be back to square one and probably worse. How can she expect that I will be okay with knowing that when they look at eachother they remember and fearing that one day it could happen again? How do I make her understand my position in this? I've never been an ultimatum type person but I feel myself pulled in that direction.

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The child isn't his, I know this for sure. She hasn't worked with him directly long enough for that to be the case and as far as she tells me they never got so far as to have sex; as impossible as it is to believe based on everything else.

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Originally Posted By: MS115
The child isn't his, I know this for sure. She hasn't worked with him directly long enough for that to be the case and as far as she tells me they never got so far as to have sex; as impossible as it is to believe based on everything else.


Keep in mind that that most WS's lie about this. Would she be willing to take a polygraph?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: MS115
They all seem to think that one day we will all be happy and look back at this and laugh to a degree


LOL - that sounds all so familiar...

It's not going to work, and every HOUR that your WW (yes, she's still in WW-mode, believe that!) spends at "work" with the OM is another blow to the recovery of your M. BT, DT!


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So she has only been in the job for a short amount of time? Because if she hasn't been working with him directly, and there's only the two of them, I'd wonder about the timeline and how she got the job in the first place. Is he the owner of the company? If not, I would expose the affair to the owner or whoever his boss is.

Quote:
they never got so far as to have sex; as impossible as it is to believe based on everything else.


You're absolutely right - so why DO you believe it?

Go back to the last page and read what you wrote about what your wife said about wanting to stay on the job. Your wife is gaslighting you and the affair continues.

She must leave the position or you'll be getting a divorce sometime in the near future.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Tell your wife's parents/siblings.

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Originally Posted By: MS115

My wife and I both want our marriage to work desperately,


Obviously, this is not true or she would not continue to put the M in jeopardy by going to see the OM at work every day.

MS, those of us who have read here for years see this OVER and OVER again. The wayward spouse who has a workplace affair desparately wants the BS to back off and allow workplace contact to continue. If they see each other AT ALL, the addictive feelings are triggered and recovery DOES NOT take place.

She is too fogged out and unable to put the crackpipe (OM) down. You are going to have to step up, fight for your M and demand NC.


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