Thanks for carrying it on, NG.

Post up!

Please help me by telling me what I can do next. My WW is at a vindictive stage where she is telling people I am too controlling by telling her to stop talking to a male friend. (Just like HHH said. Crazy!) She told me she is � sure of a D but the fear is keeping her from it. I am confused from what I read on MB. I do not have the time at work to read a lot of the forum and we do not have internet at home. I am so out of it that I can not find references to E letter on the forum.

It is wrong for a spouse to even hear an old flame say �I L U.� even if it is not reciprocated. Right! I have been told by other counsel to not reveille that I �suspect� anything that I can not change a person. If WW wants to stay in marriage she will find her way back. Then I find MB. So I have tried the gentle way I was counseled. Now I am not worried about the results of an E. I can not live with WW lies to me and the kids. I am ready to strengthen this marriage. It is time for this BH to get the respect he deserves. Will you help me save my marriage?

What do I do if WW has drawn away from conversation and physical contact? This is due to her thinking marriage is headed to D. Do I still act nice and cordial filling her LB? If she gives me silence do give her silence? That just doesn�t seem like I would be filling her LB. How can it look like I am standing my ground if I am also looking for her companionship and acceptance to work on a recovery plan?

I was trying to see if WW would stop EA on her own without exposing the logger and snooping on the cell. I told WW that I see way too many txts on the cell bill and am furious about how much time she spends on OM. That I am hurt by her hiding the contact with OM, and that I want her to stop contacting OM. I said I am doing this to make our marriage stronger. WW�s response was that I am insecure and that if this was a female it would not be a problem. She is stuck on how I am controlling but at the same time she told OM that BH wants her to stop contact.

WW broke NC and wrote a msg on FB to OM explaining how she was hurt that BH was watching her txts. She also told OM that she will not end up with him when there is D. She wants to be on her own. She told OM that they are good friends and she will talk to him later. She told OM blatant lies that BH was ok with her texting him. Now She finds out that I was not ok with txts and is calling me a lier. What the @#$%!!

Ok, so I see that WW is not thinking clearly or is she really that conniving to stay with BH long enough to get the kids grown up before she is out-a-here?!

I had two pages written out but thought that would be too much to post so cut it down. lol.

I am very, very thankful to all who reply. As HHH, NG & MBliss have shown I needed to reset my compass to �true north� and find my man parts again.

Well now what to do? Much more for me to process. I have even more resolve now that I will not put up with anything less than what I feel is true and right in 'my' life. The @#$% may hit the fan but I will survive!

Keep snooping, gather your evidence, and expose.

Expose to both sides of the family, expose to friends, expose to friends and family of the OM.

She will be FURIOUS, and she will get even crazier. However, she will no longer find her interaction with OM to be "comfortable" when every one knows.

Stand firm, and DO NOT SHRINK TO HER ANGER. D-O N-O-T.

She will blame exposure for "ruining her life." Don't buy into it.

Meet her needs in whatever ways you can. Do not give in to anger, resentment, and the temptation to unleash Love Busters on her - and do this while demanding No Contact with the OM.

Whew!

When I read the first of your back-to-back posts, I thought you were being intentionally non-receptive.

So, eliminating the "Ugly" future, that leaves only "Good" and "Bad". The trick NOW is to do what you can, with all the knowledge of your WW's personality and "self", to drive the decision to "Good". We don't know what she likes, but now is the time for you to open that storage box and bring them out. Does she like to travel? Book a trip someplace quiet - Las Vegas and 'Nawlins' would be wrong. Does she appreciate art/music? Museum passes and/or season orchestra seats are good. (Orchestra performance, coffee and dessert afterwards make for a good UA setting.) If she likes knitting, take her to a sheep show.

("Why are you doing this?" "Because I want to show you that we have a great future together, when (note: not "if") you give us a chance.")

Coming across all Stanley-Kowalski at this stage of your relationship is likely not the answer. Quiet, steady, logical, reserved and firm would more readily deliver the result you want.

Emotionally, her psyche today is probably hoping for a dissolution, but - and this is incredibly important in your favor - she probably cannot yet justify being the "villain" here. So she is going to incent you into that role. She will make ridiculous demands, say ludicous things, propose outrageous actions, trying to get you to react one of two ways:

• Get disgusted with her positions and attitudes, and agree to/initiate the dissolution action
• Get angry, lash out - even just verbally - giving her the claim to your being "abusive"

Neither of these things can be allowed to happen. EVEN ONCE, and you're likely to have lost the game.

Are you ready for kick-off?

Keep snooping, gather your evidence, and expose.

I have screen captures of chats. No text msg evidence, Nothing else.
What do I do with the evidence? Do I send pictures in the emails? Do I quote the Chats? I remember reading some posts about the legality of loggers, but that will not stop me from exposure.

Stand firm, and DO NOT SHRINK TO HER ANGER. D-O N-O-T.
I WILL STAND FIRM. I WILL NOT SHRINK TO HER ANGER!

Meet her needs in whatever ways you can. Do not give in to anger, resentment, and the temptation to unleash Love Busters on her - and do this while demanding No Contact with the OM.

I truly am working on myself while saving my marriage. I can see that. I am working on finding my N.U.T.s. I am so desperatly lacking.


A PA could be: one night out to the bar and kissing outside. As for an EA? Is EA talk about how they like to kiss, how he misses her and she misses him, can�t wait for the summer vacation to get here. It makes me sick thinking of this. I am asking so when WW tells me that it happened 8 months ago and I (WW) was ending it myself, I can stand firm and tell her it is a big deal and I will not put up with it. WW is totally justifying her actions of having a friend that she cares about that will not influence her ways. I see it much different.

When I read the first of your back-to-back posts, I thought you were being intentionally non-receptive.
I will admit I�m not the quickest squirrel in the forest. It is not intentional at all. I make a good tech, but then that may be because all the equipment comes with instructions. Thanks for W/B NG.

("Why are you doing this?" "Because I want to show you that we have a great future together, when (note: not "if") you give us a chance.")
I really like this. TY.

Emotionally, her psyche today is probably hoping for a dissolution, ��
This is totally the frame of mind I see WW in now.

Neither of these things can be allowed to happen. EVEN ONCE, and you're likely to have lost the game.
I am looking more and more at my actions as the way to open our marriage up to be in a better place. Now I am praying WW will join me on this path.
I AM ready for KICKOFF!

How do I insert only parts of the post I want to reply to?

If I am replying in pieces, I select the quote= bracket, and copy it. I then add the /quote bracket at the end of each piece, and the paste the quote= at the beginning of the next piece, making sure to add the /quote again at the end.

Make sense?

Great POST NG!

Itburns,

Just to clarify, how can there be posts on facebook and you can see chats on your computer if you don't have the internet at home? Where did you install the keylogger?

ba

Hi beginagain, logger is on our home pc. The logging started about 6 months ago. We were living in a house that had internet at the time. Now we are in an apartment, WW uses the local wifi spots to FB.

You may ask why I didn't do something 8 months ago. I wanted to but coucel 'advised' not to. "WW will decide to come back to you on her own." was what I got. Well I call 'BS'.

I found Wat's Guideline's from the Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Posters .

It still amazes me that I am the one getting treated like dirt by WW for questioning her purpose of needing to talk to OM. I Makes me wonder Will WW ever see how much the A was effecting our M? Nothing more physical then a quick kiss and hug before work yet. Even then I feel a distance between us from WW.

Thinking back over last several months I emember times when she would say 'I have so much fun being around you.' and ' When we grow older I really want us to be the park hosts like we have talked about.'

Now when I hear WW say 'I have been thinking of D for a few months now so why should I try to do what you want to help our M?' It hurts so much.

I smile and tell WW that I love her, do my best at a hug and cry inside. Then come to work and read more of SAA!

She is confused. Clearly.
Stay strong.
You are not "controlling" . That's such a common word WW's use. She is in control of her own actions. She has the power. You are merely letting your spouse know what you feel and what you want in your marriage. That is, don't kiss an old flame. Please don't engage with an old flame that says ILY. Not an unreasonable thing for a man to desire in his marriage. You are entitled to let her know your feelings and desires for your shared union. She can say no and be honest. That is, she believes its ok to spend endless hours writing and talking to an old flame that is coming on to her. Well then, do you remember any of that in your Vows?

Last night I asked WW if I was truly getting mixed signals that she wants to be with me but other times she is pulling away. WW answered yes, she interacts with me so the kids don�t have to know about D yet. That she still feels like she is 75% sure of a D. I controlled my mouth but was floored by that comment. I told WW thank you for being honest with me. That I am continuing with my plans to make the marriage stronger.

What I have found out from WW is that she wanted to D me in 2010. She will not acknowledge the PA. She says it is her right to have her best friend from school as a male friend now and that he can not make her be unfaithful. She is 75% sure of a divorce from me. She does not want to get counseling. She is not interested in working with me to make the marriage better.

So what kind of Plan A does this leave for me?

I admit my actions have been weak at following advice from you kind people here. I am reading SAA and Love Busters now. My marriage is very much like the example in LB. Wish I had DR. Harley as an influence years ago. I have always wanted to love and be loved the MB way but didn�t know how. It is the time for a better me. I can not thank you all enough for being here. Your my only support through this.

That she still feels like she is 75% sure of a D.

Yeah?

Well at age 13 I was 75% sure I was going to be an astronaut. The difference between me then and your WW now? I was a helluva lot more mature and level-headed than ANY WW!

Until the gavel comes down, and the judge stands up, there ain't no certainty about divorce. Do not let her unilaterally define the course your life is going to take.

She talks "divorce" - you talk working through the problems. You do not get angry, you do not get spiteful, you do not get sarcastic. You stay grounded in your commitment to your marriage.

However, you are not a doormat. It's probably too late, but the exposure we've been urging you to enact is very much called for. You are letting her set the environment for portraying you as the villain here. Her "He's so controlling he won't let me text my friends!" has immeasurable less impact following your "My wife is carrying on an affair with a child-support-withholding scuzz-ball from her teen-dream years!"

So are you willing to FIGHT, at all?

Start with your children. If "Mommy" is 75% certain of doing great damage to their lives, share that nugget with them.

Get WW to break it to them. Tomorrow.

It burns.

Hello. Glad you stopped by to talk to us and look for support.

75% sure of D. Yeah.... whatever. So much foggy babble.

Ok. So consider where your were a couple months ago, "Am I making a big deal out of nothing?" Well, at least now you are getting some honesty and some truth to what is happening in your own life!

Yes, your wife, however fogged up and misguided at this time, thinks D is 75% inevitable. Hey, that's progress. You are not clueless.

Remember, you are standing up for your marriage, you are defending your marriage. You are helping your children and family.

Fight IB. Follow NG's advice. Its so hard when you are emotionally shocked. But you WILL get your wits about you. Take the roller coaster a day at a time and get your mind right. Don't be argumentative, hurtful, sarcastic. When you start to see more clearly than your wife you get to sit back and watch the fantasies and foggy crap crumble.

Prier to reading your replies, this morning I started a conversation with WW about a txt from OM she received on Sunday.(Yes on Mothers Day, What a @#$% jerk he is!!)

WW- I don�t want to talk about it now.
BS-To work on the marriage we need to send OM a NC letter.
WW-There is nothing to work on.
BS-We are still married so I still have something to work on. If you have an A with someone and stay with your husband then your contact with the OM has to stop.
(She did not acknowledge or deny the A. She made no comment.)
WW-There is no way I can be with you.
BS-You do not have to handle this on your own. I am here for you. I want you to read LB and see that there is a way to fix things. I do not hold any of this against you but we do need to work on this. Please read this book and you will see what I see.

I practiced what I was going to say. Like you said, this made it easier for me to remain calm and assertive in working on the marriage.

I have updated the pics on my FB to show more family ones.
I have a list of OMs friends and relatives ready.
I have the sample exposure letter MelodyLane posted about getting people to persuade OM to leave my wife alone.

My big problem now is whether or not to use my work pc to sent the EX letters. I work for the GOV so am worried that personal use could come back on me. I don�t have any other PC to use. Any ideas on this?

NG & Strech, I am not going to be a door mate, I feel more in control of the direction of my life. I am ready to fight for what I think is right. I think it is right that OM gets all the attention he deserves for what he is. I am only concerned about improving my marriage and family life.

IBS,

I don�t have any other PC to use. Any ideas on this?

Go to the local library, they often have PCs for public use.

Also send the info. you have collected in emails to a hotmail account, that way youcan access them from anywhere.

God Bless
Gamma

TY Gammy for your idea it helped.
From what I have read here, in SAA and LB, my life is so text book right now it is scary. I am now plowing forward on my path and feel so fortunate to have the people here for support and guidance. I was so lost and foggy before coming here. Now I pray I can bring my wife out of the fog too. I am so thankful to everyone that keep MB up and going.

I sent my E letters last night. Pressing send was an interesting experience. I was feeling nervous and righteous at the same time. I though about what I have learned at MB. Thoughts like �What are my options, 10 more years of this dread or D or a Life out of the Fog. I choose to fight for my family. I pressed send.

Yesterday after I told WW I knew there was an A, I found this email she sent to OM. �Please don�t contact me anymore. If & when I can talk to you again I�ll call you. BS knows I cheated on him with you. I feel so crappy about myself I can�t bring myself to talk to you right now. I wish you the best of luck.�

I would appreciate any analysis of her thinking and where to go next. I am still getting a 'no' from WW when I bring up working on the marriage.

This morning I told WW that we are good people in a bad situation & that I am here for her for any reason. Then I gave her the first hug we have shared in two weeks. Yep, she hugged me back.

Make sure you have Exposed to all. Her email is textbook also. Until she sends the NC letter approved by you, then assume affair has not ended.

1) You can keep Plan A'ing, or
2) You can prepare for Plan B.

I would not use her email as anything to get hopes up or down. I would put the email out of your mind.

I would suggest Plan A for the immediate moment and press the NC letter to OM. If she refuses the NCL then I would really consider aligning your ducks and get into Plan B soon.

My thoughts concerning your situation.