Two years since D-Day # 2.
Yup, yesterday was it. Today is two years since I began reading Marriage Builders.
18 months since I realized my angry outbursts were harmful and I took action to stop.
18 months since Plan A went into effect.
18 months since D-Day # 1.
18 months since I confronted WW with OM #2 and WW DENIES.
16 months since I began with WW and Steve H.
15 months since I Exposed A # 1 and OM #1 Dies (by natural causes � not by my hand but of course I won�t say I didn�t have bad thoughts�.)
14 months since WW refused to continue with Steve H.
14 months since EA admitted.
14 months since I nearly gave up on my own life.
14 months since my last angry outbursts
12 months since the last �flashback� occurred.
12 months since OM # 2 left the region.
11 months since the feeling of being �in love� with WW disappeared.
9 months since I realized that there may be additional Affairs I don�t know about.
6 months since WW left college where OM # 2 was located.
6 months since I began to question if I had any love left for my WW
5 months since I gave up hope for the marriage.
4 months since I prepared for Plan B but held off after session with Steve H.
3 months since I realized my WW was actually severely verbally and emotionally. abusive before, during and after the Affairs.
2 months since I began Imago Marital Therapy (Therapist also follows Dr. H.) with WW.
1 month since the severe pain and hurt began to lessen.
1 month since I began to realize I am not a bad person and not responsible for her Affairs.
1 week since I calmly and firmly stood up for myself with WW and told her I will not
Be dominated by constantly �giving in� to unreasonable demands on me.
6 days since WW showed the first respect for me in over a decade.
3 days since WW cries and cries in sleep begging to my name �________I am sorry, I am so sorry� while dreaming (she dreams frequently and verbally, always has). I am certain this was not a put up job (I have trouble sleeping and often lay motionless for several hours in bed awake).
1 day since I decided to have a talk about boundaries.
6 days till I discuss boundaries with WW in Imago dialogue with therapist who also follows Dr. H.
Where am I now?
I suspect WW is finally coming out of the Fog.
I suspect WW realizes I really have stopped verbal abuse tactics.
I want to love WW but am still very, very afraid too.
But I have survived. It may well be a shell of a marriage, but we have survived.
Are we at recovery? No.
It literally took me losing my love for my WW for me to stop hurting.
After the discussion on boundaries the next step is requesting her self-exposure to family.
So 13 days till I have Imago dialogue and firmly use �I EXPECT� language to identify what it will take to heal me.
Incredible �research / snooping� on my part. I can hear her cell phone even when she is not using it. I hear her conversations with others. She no longer trash talks me. I even heard her defend me from a comment from MIL.
I can track her location by cell phone real time. She does not know. No evidence of continued contact with OM #2 or anyone else.
In 14 days she has the ball in her court.
In 31 days my Wounded Warrior Marine Son marries.
In 32 days my Darling Stepson graduates from high school.
That leaves �our� 11 year old son, my WW and I as the future of our nuclear family.
In 33 days I will go Plan B in the absence of real commitment to the healing of our marriage by WW as outlined above.
I have grown strong. I care about me now.
I have become a man that I now can look up to and face in the mirror.
Keeping to the above schedule�. I now have either Recovery or the End Game in sight.
I know I have taken a long time to get here. False starts and stops.
IMHO I had to destroy the verbal abuse history in order to move forward. That is done.
Imago Therapist (follows Dr. H) has privately agreed with my schedule.

Some days I wonder what the longest Plan A is.
Recently, I just accept that Plan A is who I really am EXCEPT that I have begun to toss out plan doormat. It took well over 18 months for me to stand up for myself due to my history of verbal abuse (angry outbursts) � doing it early on simply was interpreted as more verbal abuse. That is not the case anymore.

I am dead serious. I want a thriving marriage. Absent that�.
My time has come.

Some of us Betrayed Spouses are slow learners. We learn by making mistakes repeatedly.
Hang in there long enough and you figure some of it out�

My Life Lesson�s Leaned to date:

I cannot believe I survived. The pain was so great I did not think I could but I did.

At least by hanging on with Plan A, I now believe I have a chance.

My verbal abuse (angry outbursts) were / are definitely detrimental to our marriage.

EXPOSURE WORKS if your WW has a family with values and relies on them for support.

If you Expose, have a support system in place. Otherwise the anger you experience directed at you may well overwhelm you. My WW was my support system. No family nearby, no trusted friends� Not a good idea. Trust somebody to support you.

Women can literally sense a married man who is hurting � I never said anything at work. Yet I was hit on more in the last 12 months than in my entire life (thankfully I avoided that path � it would have been easier to jump ship and avoid the pain by burying it in an A for a while). It is probably true that men can sense a woman who is hurting too. This has to be a huge temptation for many on this board�.

My father had female friends who fit EA descriptions � My mother endured a lot that I never gave her credit for. Now I know what an EA is.

My older brother admitted that he has had PA�s that developed from EA�s to me when he saw the agony I was in. He had never told anyone. He has entered marital sessions with Steve H. and I believe has come clean.

Once you have some of the goods on an Affair, you will be tempted to blow it and tell how you found out if you have been snooping. I INCREASED my ANXIETY and PAIN by letting the cat out of the bag way too soon. That has made getting to the truth much harder.

You cannot �force� a Wayward to repent. You can change yourself if you are motivated to do so. You can make a Wayward see what life without you would be like. They must change themselves�. But Plan A gives you a chance.

Plan A is not for them. It is for you! You will know you did your best and gave it your very best shot!

Joint Marital Therapy with a WW in the fog, even if the A is over is not very effective and possibly can be counterproductive. Therapy that Follows Dr. H is available or can be agreed to (in my case and Imago Therapist has agreed to follow it with my WW and I).

You should not go it alone. Just a few written words of support and caring from people on this board (even the one�s I have disagreed with) at various times over the past 18 months made a great difference to me � I credit my life to Melody Lane on this board. I really do.

If you have a problem with Angry Outbursts � (and many, many husbands do) it may be a much worse problem than you realize. Men who identify this problem should look for support groups such as MEVAC. Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control.

Hitting the Wayward over the head with guilt trips will work for some but not for others.

Showing the Wayward Plan A is not for the feint of heart. Your TAKER will want you to get something in return and it will be a constant battle.

Love is not a chance emotion, it is a choice. You can act loving in Plan A without giving away free love with no regard to your emotional health.

You should have seen the look of incredulity on my WW�s face the day I turned her down on SF because I did not feel safe emotionally (BTW I have been STD tested). While WW�s routinely turn down BS�s when it comes to SF, it is quite amazing how my calm statement kept her up all night 2 months ago. I was not mean. Just truthful.

Get private counseling for your pain if you need it separately and distinctly from marital therapy. Just make it clear to the therapist that you do not wish to be treated in such a way as to hasten the end of the marriage. Tell your therapist that you need to be supported Through This Time to endure the burdens of the marriage UNTIL it changes. (As an aside I listened to my WW�s therapist ridicule me during a therapy session � I had put a voice activated tape recorder in her pocketbook the day of her session. Interestingly, my WW lied outright to her own therapist about OM # 1 even though she had admitted it to me.) The point being many therapists will try the co-dependent route solution and that will severely injure your marriage I assure you.

I have a lot to give, Love, Friendship, Loyalty, Generosity, Understanding, Empathy and Hope.

I am posting this not because I have figured it all out. I have not. But, maybe there is something in here that will benefit a newly betrayed spouse.


Blessings, Hurting Turkey

Hi HT, I am so glad you are on the road to resolution, whether it is with a marriage or not. You have been through so much,, my friend. I know now that whatever happens, you will be come out of this in one piece. Thanks so much for posting your experience. I am sure others can learn from this.

Thank you. An inspiration. Great learnings.
I am rooting for your M. You have certainly worked hard at it. No regrets. Good work.

Congrats!


This is awesome.