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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
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MS115,
He's an older, well established man, married himself for 30 years and has a few basically grown children.
OK so if his W does not take this seriously expose the information you have to his grown children, or his customers. And frankly from OMWs attitude are they having threesomes?
Its also possible this OM has done this so often OMW has just grown numb to the issue.
You may find with some research that OM has a number of other female employees through the years and is reading from a script with each one that he has perfected over time. Let you W know about that, W is not special to OM.
Years ago I allowed my W to continue to work with OM2, which was a major major mistake.
God Bless
Gamma
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
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How can she expect that I will be okay with knowing that when they look at eachother they remember and fearing that one day it could happen again? It doesn't matter to her if you're ok with it or not as long as you keep your trap shut and don't interfere with her affair. How do I make her understand my position in this? Polite negotiation or appeals to reason will not work. The only way she'll understand is if you put your foot down, demand that she quit or you're out of there. And then actually file for a divorce or separation when she calls your bluff. I've never been an ultimatum type person but I feel myself pulled in that direction. Sorry, but that's the hand that has been dealt to you. Trying to be nice or considerate or letting her "work it out on her own" is not going to work. Not sure what to think of OM's wife. Her reaction is a bit off.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Joined: Oct 2009
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MS115, as a guy who had an affair, I'm here to tell you that you need to make clear to your wife that there are things you just won't stand for.
Do not whine, plead or beg. Calmly, tenderly tell her that you love her, that you want to have the relationship you wanted to have when she took your ring on her finger, and that this can never happen as long as she subjects you to the daily agony of wondering whether her loyalty is to you or to him. Then tell her that either she quits the job, or she's gone.
If she chooses to go, then she's not worth keeping.
See (below, red text) what my wife told me on the day I confessed my affair to her? That was strength that I could hugely respect! You need to show your wife some steel, some strength worth respecting. It is not a "love-buster" to state what to you is cruelty that you cannot abide, & to enforce consequences if she persists in that cruelty.
Best if your wife comes out of her wayward fog & recognizes this; but if not, better for you to be alone with your self-respect intact.
If she "desperately" wants your marriage to work, then she will make clear by her actions that your feelings matter to her more than her career convenience.
Either make your stand here, or resign yourself to living with the constant pain & indignity that you are suffering with today. Those are your only choices.
You CAN recover your marriage & make it better than it was before the affair -- but not until the affair ends. As long as she's in position to continue getting an emotional (at least) "fix" from him, she'll remain in the throes of her affair & your marital recovery can't even begin.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
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MS115,
Are you going to just sit there and let some old guy boink your wife at work everyday???
She needs to quit and never speak to that scumbag again. NOW!
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
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I agree with everyone on here, you NEED to tell your wife she is NOT to see him EVER AGAIN! NEVER! He can mail her final check. Her loss of her job is part of the price she paid when she decided to be unfaithful to you. This is not about retribution or control, this is about setting the right atmosphere for a successful marriage, not a failure. For her to expect you to take this, her going off to work every day with her (possibly former) lover, is ludicrous! Like all other waywards, they just don't get it. That doesn't matter right now, what matters is that YOU get it and YOU fight for the marriage! Expose to everyone, all at once, families, friends, pastor, etc. It has to be done all at once, not strung out one or two at a time, that doesn't work well. The idea is to break the secrecy that is a breeding ground for an affair and enlist the support of others in saving your marriage. You can't even know for sure that the affair is over since most waywards gaslight and lie. If she wants to save the marriage and keep the family intact, she needs to listen up!
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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MS, I can hear you all the way over here, mentally weighing things: keep the job and hope for the best? or Make her leave and have trouble paying bills until she gets another job?
Which means you're placing paying the bills over your marriage. Do you not see? If you let her stay on that job, you'll soon be paying all of the bills by yourself because she'll be with OM!
The correct question you should be asking yourself is: Let her stay on the job and lose the marriage? OR Get her out of there, save the marriage, and she gets another job.
She is playing you like a fiddle. Do you see this?
What is your priority?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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