HHH - That is the way to go...I will speak with her about FB soon. It feels awkward to "go back" to this kind of discussion. We haven't talked about the A in weeks, maybe months. She shared with me the plan she had with one guy....After I confronted her about the A, the plan was to calm me down, convince me that everything was over, and then in a few months, re-engage. I figured, the fact that she told me about the plan means that she aborted it. right??

I would also suggest, if no one has yet, that you quietly install a keylogger on your computer. She may agree to the joint FB account to quiet you down, and then open another one that is hidden.

That REALLY made me LOL, Rod!

I completely agree RE: facebook -- either a joint account or none at all. I had a FB account for about 2 weeks -- with Mr. W's full agreement -- I only friended females -- my own rule -- Mr. W didn't have to ask for that -- anyway, because OM was an old high school/college bf, one day I was able to see a message he sent to one of my high school girlfriends -- It freaked me right out and I closed my account immediately...

See recovery of a marriage is a TEAM EFFORT -- it HAS to be -- both of you must go above and beyond to protect your marriage TOGETHER -- Dr. Harley says that marriage is a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE -- It must be treated as such by BOTH spouses, otherwise it's a no-go.

Rod, your marriage must become WAAAAAYYYY BETTER than it ever was at it's very best before it will be worth it for you to stick around -- That's known as "Just Compensation" around here -- Have you read the article on Just Compensation? Here's a link in case you have not~~~> Just Compensation

Mrs. W

I agree with this excellent advice by Bliss! Inspect what you Expect, Rod...

Mrs. W

This is one of the most important lessons. You do not earn love by being a "nice guy". Women do not love (or feel passion for) men who are "nice". They love men who are strong and confident and reliable. Be that man. Then teach me how to be him, too.

***edit***

Hold. This is only true if you are married to a woman who takes advantage of you! I have a wonderful 'nice' husband. He is awesome. His XW DID take advantage of him...she was materialistic and wayward....but that doesn't mean dh was WRONG to be nice! There are a few things you (nice guys married to un-nice wives) could do when faced with that kind of situation....like take away ability to freely SPEND...but has enough changed to make you happy Hold? Nope. She is what she is.

Rodman, "going back" to that discussion isn't what feels awkward to ya; what feels awkward is that the discussion didn't end right, and you know it! ED? Jeez, dude, you're fortunate that she hasn't contracted & given you some crotch-rotting disease that'll make your pecker fall off. See if you can get the ED to last until the 6-month tests come back negative!

Seriously now: Your wife is failing -- really not even trying -- at implementing some of the most basic precautions necessary to properly end affairs, end a wayward lifestyle, and allow you to start feeling safe again in your marriage. Read this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...rds=gloveoil&Search=true#Post2500863

There is no way your wife should have a FB account after her affair-history. She flat-out needs to give it up, & yesterday! -- it's the least she can do as a gesture of good intent & protection for you. They are not called "convenient precautions," they are called "extraordinary precautions"!

Rodman, I suggest you ask the moderators to move your thread to the "Surviving An Affair" forum.
That's no plan at all, Rodman. The plan isn't for her to trickle-truth you with only the minimum info she feels she can get away with divulging. If she hasn't told you who the other men are so that you can contact their spouses & expose the affairs, then your marriage has not even begun to recover. That sort of sweep-it-under-the-rug approach is NOT a plan for recovering a marriage after an affair; that is like doing surgery and suturing up the incision but leaving the infection inside to fester!

The plan to save a marriage & make it better than before involves exposure (to guard against resumption of affairs), involves the affairee taking proper measures to uphold no contact (Christmas texts aren't allowed), involves complete honesty about the infidelity, and involves beginning to live a transparent life. It isn't about getting you to calm down, it's about her realizing that she needs to shape up & cease getting any of her key emotional needs met outside her marriage, since this is the only way to give the two of you a fighting chance to meet one another's emotional needs better within your marriage.

P.S.--Rodman, have you not read the book "Surviving An Affair" with your wife? Dude, it's the book that might've saved my marriage. I don't get a cent for saying so, but that's what you've gotta do. That's where you might start to get a handle on this whole mess -- you & your wife both. I'm a Christian man, but I had an affair -- something I'd once thought I'd be the last man on earth to do. This business of your wife's saying how "God has willed all this" sounds a little too self-serving to me. God makes use of sin when it occurs, to ensure His own ends no matter what, but that doesn't mean He's willed sin. And God doesn't go "Zap!" and make marriages better like with a magic wand; rather, what He will sometimes do is give couples good tools to work at making their marriages better. This early-on after her serial infidelity, it's too damned presumptuous of her to declare victory for your marriage before she's even done the work & fought the battles. No wonder you feel like you're dying inside! Get the book & get reading, both of you. You don't have time to waste.

McLovin (or other moderator),

May I ask you to please move this thread to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. Thanks!

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During her coming clean, she told me that during the first few months of our marriage, when I went to work, she would drive 4 hours back to her hometown in the other state, meet up with some married guy, and drive back before I got home...

Rodney, there are a lot more affairs than you know about � what she�s admitted to is probably the tip of the iceberg. Your wife hasn�t �come clean�, not by a long shot.

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I am pretty sure that my wife undertands that the affairs were evil

Rodney, WHY do you make this assumption?

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Considering the circumstances surrounding our courtship and subsequent marriage, I married him for all the wrong reasons. I�m saying this for the first time in my life. Admitting to myself (and to you) that I�m a selfish, materialistic [censored], IS HARD!!! But the fact remains� as long as he�s my husband, and will have me as his wife, I will be."

Rod, don't think too much about the crap she wrote in that letter.

No, au contraire mon fr�re, think very hard about this letter. This is your wife telling the truth, not to you of course, but to someone she has no reason to lie to. She is saying that she is only with you because you fund her lifestyle and pay for her affairs. Stop doing that and she will be gone.

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She shared with me the plan she had with one guy....After I confronted her about the A, the plan was to calm me down, convince me that everything was over, and then in a few months, re-engage. I figured, the fact that she told me about the plan means that she aborted it. right??

No, Rodney, the fact that she told you about it is that she fears no consequences. The truth is right in front of you yet you refuse to see. She has absolutely NO INTENTION of stopping her serial adulteries. And here is something that you really need to think about Rodney � you need to have a DNA test done on your children.

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I've always worked hard to be an honest, faithful man, a good husband and father. I've resigned myself to live this life out with her.

So, ok, Rodney, my post has already been a departure from what some of the others are telling you, so why stop there? Rodney, why do you want to stay married to an unrepentant serial adulterer who has no intention of stopping and who is like a remora attached to a shark rather than a wife to you? Because it�s going to have to be more than just resigning yourself to staying with her. You don�t even want to stay, you only do so out of fear that you will lose contact with your children. You must shed this fear, Rodney, because paradoxically it is that fear that makes what she is doing possible. She will use that fear to continue to have affairs because there is no consequence to her actions.

What boundaries have you set Rodney? None, correct? She still does what she wants on the computer, goes out whenever and wherever she wants to, and still has access to your money. You need to remove her computer access by either taking away her computer or cancel the internet service; cancel her cell phone; remove her access to your accounts or move all of the money in joint accounts to one that has your name only and switch your direct deposit there; remove her access to your cars � no car, no afternoon trips. You understand what I am saying here? Stop enabling what she is doing. If she can�t agree to these measures, get a divorce. You�ll still have time with your kids, and financially you�ll be much better off, even with child support, than with a witch that�s spending your money on other guys. Stop kissing her butt Rodney, and start standing up for yourself.

Rodney, I do not see how you are going to work your way through this without contacting the Harleys and getting professional help. Your wife is not nearly repentent enough to think that she can keep you safe during POJA negotiations. Your nice guy tendencies are going to motivate you to sacrifice your own needs and safety, which will doom any chance you have for recovery. You are going to have to draw lines in the sand. It is very difficult to do this without making selfish demands. I just don't see how you are going to be able to navigate all the tricky waters in this river without a professional guide.

Your wife was driving to an OM's home to have sex while you were at work during the first months of your marriage? She has now had multiple affairs and says the current affair would still be continuing if she was not caught and she shows little remorse. I would strongly suggest that you have paternity testing on your children. It is probably evident that she had continued in her affairs since the beginning of your marriage so the chances are real that your children may not be yours biologically. I doubt that you have the true extent of her multiple affairs.

During all this time she has claimed that she is a good Christian and had no problem humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way while putting your health at risk for STD's.

Your wife is a very sick woman with a broken moral compass and has had no problem letting you work and playing you for a fool. I think if you do not see an attorney then she pegged you correctly. I really think you would have to be a type of masochist to stay in this relationship. Surely you must believe that you deserve better than this. It seems that the message that you have sent to your wife is that there are no and never has been any consequences to her actions. She knows that no matter how much humiliation she drops on you that you will always be forgiving. Why in the world would she respect you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? My friend nobody and I mean nobody respect a doormat. I wish you luck because you will need it if you remain with her. Get that paternity test done and consider having her take a polygraph to get the full truth of what has been going on because your marriage has never been taken seriously by her since apparently she sees you only as a provider. Enough is enough!

America/HoldingOn/Bryan - After reading you comments, my hands are shaking as I type this. I guess I supposed that since WW and I have not talked about the A(s)for a couple of months now, that things must be better. We talk a lot. We hold hands. WW seems happy. I look into her eyes and she seems so sincere. The idea that she could still be carrying on would be too much to bear.

I am shaking because I know that what you say could be true. Yes, she still has full access to the family funds, still has her laptop, cell phone...etc. There is nothing that would stop her from meeting up with the married guy if she really wanted to. If they are communicating, she would have to have a new email address, or something.

I never thought of myself as weak....I was raised by a grandmother and two aunts, but they raised me to be a 'good man'. I grew up in a small town , with small town values. They did their best to teach me to be a real man. To be honest, have integrity, protector and provider of his house, have compassion/sensitive to others. I'm 6'3, 230lbs, been in the military, played football, baseball, etc.....all the manly stuff, but I have always been somewhat shy around women. Always 'overly' respectful. Always giving more than taking....I'm rambling!

I just can't imagine my WW doing this. She seems like such a sweet person. Everybody who knows her just loves her. She is so giving and kind....this is crazy!

Unfortunately America, I agree with your assessment of the letter she wrote. I want to believe that it was written in the fog, but I'm just not sure that she ever loved me. How could you be so devious for so long, with so many people if you had any love or compassion for someone. This behavior is not new. 6 months after we were married, I found a list of guys that she had 'been with'....kinda lengthy, but one of the guys on the list was my best friend, and best man at our wedding. (this was before we were married, but dating).

After DD she admitted that she was really attracted to rough neck, gangsta type of guys..(WHAT??)....which is definetely not me. So much stuff going on in my head...After 4 months, the pain isn't constant....I do have good days, so I'm think that I am on the road to recovery, but I'm starting to think that I am just fooling myself....I really don't want to lose her or my kids...I know this sounds weak or too nice, but this is where I am right now. If I found out that she was still cheating, I would likely forgive her again..

I just wanted to convey my sympathies to you. I too am still haunted by all the content of the material I discovered in FWW's A.

Since when does a woman know what makes a good man?

They know what makes a good husband, a good brother... but a good man?

Come on!

What you know about how to raise a daughter to be a "good woman?"

I don't know a dang thing, other than to model to my daughters what a good husband is.

Snoop and be vigilant, sir.

Do you feel that way because it's easier to just forgive and try to forget then all the work/emotions involved in severing the relationship? I know if it happened again in my situation, I would be done. Kids or not.

If you need help with snooping on the iPhone without installing anything on it, send me a message and I'll help you out.

I am with Bryanp. Do you know for sure if the kids are yours? I am lucky. Even though my wife and I rarely have sex, I have a genetic abnormality which the kids inherited, so I know they are mine.

Like I said, call the Harleys. Get a paternity test. Get separate bank accounts. Get her a job. Your situation is way beyond "I forgive you, let's forget the past and move on from here."

Sorry for your pain but I agree with everything Bryanp said. Your WW is not remorseful IMO. Based on the info provided, it is extremely likely she will cheat again without life altering changes and even then I would still have my doubts based on her history. Will she post here?

Just read your sitch. I am so sorry this is happening to you! I know the feelings as a BS myself with multiple A's. I feel multiples are somewhat unique and certainly is the way you deal with them. Resentment with Multiple A's sometimes cant be overcome but that is for you to decide.
For me this time I have resolved NOT to settle back in and go about life. I affirm everyday that I have boundaries to my WW. She must earn my forgiveness through action.
1) Extraordinary precautions. I have chats with her about situations weekly that may occur. I dont bring up her EAs but use 3rd party examples.
2) She must meet my EN's and I must Meet hers exclusively in M. No love busting! Care and protection at all times.
4 months later you can express that emotionally you are still devastated. Be open and honest. PORA goes a long way.
Not belittling my WWs sitch but 3 PAs would crush my spirit to remain. I also sense Fear and Fear has no place here in your M. You must strictly implement Dr Hs affair recovery plan or you are headed to #4 PA soon enough.
My WW is on a leash so to speak and if she wants ME to remain she has to stay on one till I croak. She is not to even speak to Op Sex other than what is necessary for work and to be socially polite. Thats the EPs she must show me to remain. I suggest the same hard nose stance for yourself.Restrict her cell/email/text communications. Make her be an open book! It should be your boundaries to remain in the M.

Rodney, your being strong or tough has nothing to do with how big you are, what sports you play, etc. Tough is how you deal with difficult situations or obstacles in life and overcome them. I don't think you are weak Rodney, I just think that you can't face the truth of what your wife and your marriage really are as opposed as to what you envision, or actually dream, them to be.

You are safe, Rodney, you're always there, you are the foundation of the marriage,the one who lets her do what she wants to do without any resistance. So she stays married to you as a perpetual 2nd choice. You make it possible for her to indulge her fantasies of the bad guy, to have illicit sex, and when she tires of one (or he tires of her) she can just move on to the next one. When there's no one else she has you to fall back on

I am not sure if you can fix your marriage Rodney because your wife is the problem and she doesn't sound like she is willing to change. She was this way before you got married, shortly after you got married, and then repeatedly throughout your marriage, what makes you think she is going to change any time soon?

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She seems like such a sweet person. Everybody who knows her just loves her.

She may very well be a sweet person, Rodney, but one who seems to be a serial adulteress. You so desperately want to think everything is fine now because she is holding hands with you, but you are having problems being able to have sex with her not only because what she has done, but that also in your heart you know something is still quite not right. You want to believe so strongly that its over and won't happen again, but your instincts tell you differently.

Time to be tough, Rodney. Time to see the truth and face it squarely. You need to cut off her funding, stop paying for things that she uses to carry on with other men. Stop depositing your check into a joint account, cancel her cell phone, if you are paying for her car and only your name is on the loan, then that's YOUR car. Sell it if you have to, or take the keys and secure them somewhere. Yes, she's going to be angry, and yes, you need to be on guard in case she tries to manufacture a situation to get you out of your house, but as you start to reassert some control over your life, she will start to see that you won't be pushed around any more. You don't have to be angry, you don't have to be mean, you just have to be firm in your resolve. You are doing this to take back control of your life, to improve the situation for yourself, and if she can't or won't change, then you'll still be in better shape than "After reading you comments, my hands are shaking as I type this".

I understand your sorrow, and I don't want to heap more onto it, but as I said above, and some others said after me, you may want to think about getting paternity testing for your children. Two schools of thought prevail on these boards; one is that it wouldn't matter anyway so why get them tested; the other is that the truth should be known. I tend to think more along the latter. If I was in your situation where your wife may have been cheating on you throughout your entire marriage, I would want to face the unthinkable and find out for sure.