Yes I am here. Nighttime is reserved for UA time with my H so no I am not generally on here in the evenings. The first thing I would like to say is that if the mind worked as "easily" as you all say, I would be madly in love with my husband...also, I don't feel like I was rewriting history as it is my husbands account of the way things were as well and we have had hours upon hours of conversation about how things have been between us throughout various stages in our marriage. And yes, we have always struggled with the sex/affection side of it. As far as FB, I don't know where that got thrown into this because it has nothing to do with any of this. I don't need to look the OM up to have thoughts of him come up. Also, I run a business through FB so I cannot delete it.

Okay, like I said, even if you are not rewriting history, it doesn't matter -- Romantic love CAN be built. It takes time. You have already made your choice, strugglin -- you are married and you have children. The right thing is to remain married and work the program. No one ever regrets doing the right thing.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I have an appointment this morning, but I'll be back later. I hope you will give all of what I've said careful consideration -- I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

Mrs. W

Well, if you've always struggled with sex/affection, then you certainly wouldn't be in love with your husband. You must be misunderstanding what folks are saying about it. Perhaps you should dig a little deeper and make sure you are understanding correctly.


My dear struggling, you can do anything you put your mind to. God did not write a message on your forehead that says "strugginginaz must run a business on Facebook." There are lots of other options including not running a business, running a business but not running it through Facebook, etc.

I never accept it when my little children here tell me they can't do something that needs to be done. I don't think you should be that way, either.

Okay, if you and your husband [InnerStrength] decide that you must continue to use facebook, then offer to put a keylogger on your computer and let the reports be sent to him. This will prevent you from being tempted to look up OM and will give your husband peace of mind.

How's that sound?

Mrs. W

P.S. Yikes I'm gonna be late! Back in a bit!

1) "Poor me, life is hard, I have to work to make my life happy for an extended period of time!

2) You are both rewriting your marital history. His compliance with your rewrite is not an indication that you are right, it's an indication that he is just as miserable as you right now.

Remember, memories are not really like photographs, or VHS tapes. Your mind recalls them based on the information you have NOW. If part of the information you have now is being miserable, and you are remembering your marriage? Then your marriage was miserable.

Fantastic suggestion! I don't buy the "I have a business on FB" baloney since billions of businesses were run looooong before FB was around but I digress....

Anyhow,this is a good compromise. You should offer to do this TODAY. This will also help keep you accountable.

Put a keylogger on EVERY computer you have access to. This is a very honorable thing to do at this point in your recovery.

Mrs W is so right!!! (add me to your fan club, Mrs W!!!) I realized this myself recently - I'd just posted a few weeks ago that I needed to stay off the forums because I felt more depressed when I read here...but I realized that I NEED this place. It's one place I feel like maybe I can help people and I gain insight and knowledge that even if it doesn't help to restore my M, it will help me become a better human being, woman, and mother.

strugglin, I know you sit here thinking that you can't fall in love with your H but you can. You both have to work at meeting each other's ENs...and if SF and affection are where you have problems, then sit down together and brainstorm how each of you want that need met. There will be something that resonates with you (and him) that will deposit the maximum amount of love units in your LB$'s!

Ever read the Five Love Languages? Maybe your BH's love language is acts of service. To him, you doing something for him is what fills his need for affection - it could be cooking a meal for him, washing his car, working together to plant a garden...you get the idea. For you, maybe it's words of admiration - you light up when your BH tells you how beautiful you are, or that he's proud of you for XYZ...

We're all different in how we rank those 10 EN's, and we're all different in how we want to have them filled. If you're doing the right things, your LB$ will go up and you will feel romantic love for your H - I promise!

Are you going to do this, strugglin? I would appreciate a Y/N answer.

Because 7 weeks of NC and to still be this infatuated with OM is just off. Something is keeping you triggered. I truly hope there is no one-way C going on...

This is inaccurate, struggling.

You had contact and set back your R when you looked up OM a few weeks ago.

Yes, I would completely do the keylogger thing on my computer. No problem with that at all...and I don't know how after 7 weeks time you are just supposed to forget someone who you had feelings for. I have read people on here that six months out still think about the other person. Also, I don't know how we are going to meet in the middle with affection. His idea of affection to meet his need is me giving him passionate kisses, touching, etc. which I don't like. Also, the sex thing completely throws me off because I am not comfortable right now having a long drawn out love making session. I don't feel it and I don't like it. So how do you continue with that?

Also, I don't understand why people have such strong opposition against FB when you truly don't know what my business is or how/when/why it is run. People are so damn quick to judge and present their ideas as the ONLY solution, which infuriates me. I believe that to every problem, there are several solutions and the same one doesn't work for everyone.

I am not comfortable right now having a long drawn out love making session. I don't feel it and I don't like it. So how do you continue with that?

Obviously YOU continue just as you are, since you've made up you mind that you're comfortable living with your husband, and getting "damp" dreaming of your fantasy man.

The question then goes to your BH as to whether a permanently sexless, loveless marriage has any attractions for him. Shall I dash over to his thread and ask him exactly that? Or would you find the grace and courage to put that proposition to him.

Its not like he doesn't know it...we have talked about it in depth together as two adults! I know for a fact, he is not comfortable in the bedroom either!

You either value your marriage, or you don't.

Run a business? Ever heard of Best Practices? Well, they apply to marriages, too.

What you are being advised in, is a Best Practice which has been confirmed over thousands of cases over the last decade.

Is it the ONLY solution? No, and that is your defensive assertion, not what is being implied.

It is the BEST solution, because it protects the marriage from temptation and invaders.

So, continue on. Play with fire, you relinquish the right to say "But, but, but... NOBODY TOLD ME!!!" when you get burned.

Considering the position and attitude of his wife, you are absolutely right he's not comfortable. I would have no interest in sleeping with a woman who was busy pining for another man either.

So, other than searching him on FB and looking at photos, what other forms of contact, what other mementos are you hiding to keep pining for douchenozzle?

We can debate all day on chicken/egg cause-and-effect stories here, but as an adult male, I would happily point out that most of us considering having "relations" with a woman whose stated thoughts are

• I don't enjoy doing this.
• I do not love you.
• I do love another man.

might (Easy, guys: I said MIGHT!) be somewhat less imbued with conjugal ardor than in other circumstances.

But this isn't about SF, entirely, I realize that. This entire issue is your accepting (advocating?) a life nominally together that is so much less fulfilling than it could be. I seriously cannot generate the anger with you I would have imagined would have been my visceral reaction.

It's just so very sad that you've "settled" so cheaply.......

When you are using FB as a vehicle to look up OM which is incredibly cruel to your H and jeopardizes your R....

of course we are going to recommend you get rid of it.

Good grief!

Well, friends, if I was in love with my H, we wouldn't be in this position, now would we...of course we don't feel love for each other or enjoy sexual encounters with each other. We wouldn't need marriage counseling if we did!!!! Are you kidding?

Also, everyone points out that you are supposed to be completely honest and open with your spouse and feelings at all times, and when I tell him what my thoughts are, you all say it is completely absurd. What exactly is the right path? I am learning quickly to just keep my mouth shut, don't say a word about anything to anyone and keep on in my world.

If you weren't prowling FB looking at pictures of your Affair Partner, maybe you could fall back in love with your husband.

Then maybe you wouldn't have to defend your miserable, abusive behavior, would you?