struggling, it's a new day...how are you going to choose to face it?

By posting brief rebuttals (in an attempt to save face or get her way or be right or stick it to her BH again?) on her BH's thread instead of owning up to her actions here, where people are trying to help her.

struggling, please, your BH and you need to stick to your own threads. Especially at this juncture, you guys will only find lovebusters and inflammatory remarks coming much more easily where you should instead be focusing on advice for how to fix you, individually, so the marriage as a whole has a chance.

Hi Strugglingaz,

I'm not a vet on this site, but it seems like you are more worried about meeting your DH's needs and you haven't even considered the fact that he isn't meeting your needs. You aren't going to want to meet his needs if he isn't meeting yours.

What are your most important emotional needs? Have you completed the ENQ? Do you like certain kinds of affection? What kinds of affection do you like? Do you like holding hands? Or, maybe you prefer to receive gifts? Or, maybe you could use some help around the house? Just tell your H what needs you need met and I'm sure your H would do that. Once he is meeting YOUR needs, you may feel more interested in meeting his needs.

Regarding the sex, you are not going to be interested in sex until your most important needs are met the way you need them met. Once your needs are met, you will be more interested in sex with your DH.

I can see that you are trying. Try to be patient with yourself and allow some time for the fog to lift. Once the fog is gone, you will be more receptive to your DH. Just do your best to avoid triggers (FB pictures, texts from OM, etc.) and be patient with yourself.

Good luck to you both.

Yes, so I will stick to my own thread, but will not post any further on here. It does me no good, as my questions do not get answered, rather people jump to assumptions thinking I look the OM up on FB constantly or am having a secret second life or whatever else comes up because I admitted that I still think about him. I feel like I am married to my H and ten thousand other people who want to point fingers. I know that this is extremely difficult for my BH, but its not a frickin' cake walk for me either and the emotional roller coaster I am experiencing.

Interesting, I don't believe you answered my questions, either.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? Have you read it?


I don't believe anybody has said it was.

Have you considered contacting Dr. Harley and his wife for help? They answer questions free of charge on their radio show, and they send you a free book, as well.

Yes, I own that book and I have read it.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I regret if my comment made you feel that I was pointing figers at you. That was not my intent. I was only trying to help you get to where you want to be...in love with your DH.

Good luck to you Strugglingaz. I hope you find what you are looking for.

No, hurtagain, actually you are one of the very few who seemed very sincere in your statement. Thank you for that.

struggling, markos is right. Nobody ever said this was a cakewalk for you - that is your prematurely defensive assumption. And you have ignored answers to your few questions in favor of similar defensive posturing - which has gotten you exactly where you are now: pretty much stuck.

Yet there is a wealth of information, countless personal experiences, and many, many posters willing to help. Instead of wasting time and energy and emotional resources being so defensive, why not stop and think about what everyone is trying to get across to you?


PS - I apologize for my previous post. If you genuinely need to correct facts, that's fine. It should really just be done on your thread. You and your BH should not even read each other's threads right now - just focus on your side of the fence for a while, I think that's key.

Question: Have you looked OM up on FB since NC was established, even once? Yes or no?

If you want to stay married to that man, you might want to start listening to those "ten thousand other people" who are trying to help you.


Do you realize that some of those who are supposedly pointing fingers are FWW? It was no cake walk for them, either, hon.

You are being pointed down the quickest road to recovery. Seriously consider taking it.

struggling, I for one am not here to point fingers at you. I - and the others who are posting on your thread - are trying to help you.

I have stood where you are standing. I did so many things that screwed up my chances at recovering my M after my A. I was impatient and selfish; and controlling my taker was very difficult at times. I know it's not a cake walk - it has not been a cake walk for me either. It's still no cakewalk, and it has been twenty months since my A ended.

But you have to realize, your BH is the wounded one here. He's a trauma patient, and he's bleeding out. You can't slap a bandaid on it and tell him to get up, already. Yes, you may very well have had problems in your M pre-A. My own M, pre-A, wasn't a fairytale either...BUT you have to start with the immediate issue here and that is tending to your BH's wounds. What you are doing by staying on FB (whether or not you're looking at the OM, I'm not even addressing that, it's already been addresses) is kicking him while he is laying on the ground, bleeding. My A started on FB, and my H was triggered every time he sees a link to FB on another website or hears it on TV/radio.

I know R is not easy. But you have a BH who is willing to give it a shot. Are you going to stand in the flames with him?

Hey now, little missy I take offense to this, because I specifically took my laptop with me to my hair appt yesterday to read and post to YOU -- and I know I was brief, but I did try -- I care about YOU -- ***I*** have been on that roller coaster and I know how to get off of it -- I want to help you with that -- I wish I could earn your trust, so that I could help you -- How could I go about doing that, strugglin?

Mrs. W

Wow. At the risk of being repetitive, it don't get much better than that. I don't think you care about anything else that I say, strugglingaz, but care about this:

I'll be the bad guy.


Posted by YOUR BH, on 4/3/11.

You are looking up the OM on FB, and texting another man?

Let me tell you something, with this behavior, you should really reread the title of your own thread.

Here's the thing, if you were my FWW, my only response to this action would be "Honey, grab your ankles, and kiss your azz goodbye, cause you're GONE."

How much more abuse are you going to dish out?

By the way, you aren't married to any of us, you are right. So what?

You want to save your marriage? Keep your family intact? Then drop the fog-tude, pull your head out of your tush, sit down, shut up, and listen; YOU are wrecking your own life with this foggy bullcrap.

KNOCK IT OFF.

I see you answered one of the two questions I asked in that post. I still don't see answers to my questions in earlier posts.

I call BS on this entire post.

What Q was not answered or addressed? Please be specific.

What assumption was made? Please quote the assumption.

Nobody said you look at OM on FB CONSTANTLY. Only looking at his profile ONCE will reset your w/d clock back to Day 1.

The victim card won't work here, strugglin. Your poor BH is the victim...NOT YOU.

You tried telling us that you have been in NC for 7 weeks. You are going to get called out on that because you BROKE NC when you looked up the OM on FB and set your R back.

That is why you are still thinking about the OM...to answer your Q since you still don't seem to GET it.

We want your M to succeed but you are too fogged out to see it. We will be here to HELP you (with 2x4s if need be!) when you are ready for it.

Good luck!

Wow, Struggling.

You've got all these people bending over backwards to try and help you, and you've got all these words to say and blah blah blah and this is hard and nobody understands, blah blah blah.

You made contact with OM, and your recovery has been set back to day 1. Any fog that was lifting, has reformed right over your little wayward head.

Basically everything else is moot until you STOP making contact with OM and accept that contacting him is influencing how you feel about your BH.

You should be glad everyone is taking the time to post to you, despite your ludicrous and bizarrely insistent claim that FBing him isn't really "making contact." Until that contact ends, you're wasting everyone's time.

Oh, good. Your post came right after mine and I thought I sent you right over the edge. lol

I know you are getting a lot of 2x4's right now and I hope that doesn't keep you from using this discussion board as support. Although we may not know you, we are here for you and care about you because we are all in the same boat.

I have just recently read through your thread and I think you have a good chance of recovering the love for your DH. I think you may just be putting too much pressure on yourself to immediately stop thinking about OM. This may, in turn, be causing you to resist and feel pressured as a woman. As a feminist, I understand. You shouldn't try not to think of marriage as a him vs her, but as a partnership.

Reading your thoughts reminds me of my WH, who is trying so hard to recover our marriage. He has told me that he thinks about the OW and he feels so bad about that. This is very painful for me, but I understand that he doesn't have control over his thoughts and I have told him that.

Anyway, I think you should just focus on the basics...emotional needs and keeping NC (all NC including texts, FB, etc.). Your emotional needs aren't being met the way you like them met. Maybe you aren't being honest with your H or maybe you aren't being honest with yourself, regardless, this is about YOUR needs. That's all there is to it. Tell your H how to meet your needs. That's all.

Good Luck.

I never thought I'd look forward to those damn crickets. They do, on balance, sound better than some things I've read here.

(Angel: NG, you never even let me try to.......)

CLANGGGG!

(Devil: Sorry, boss, someone hadda do it1)

hurtagain, I'm sure your intentions are good, and strugglingaz responded well to your previous post - you got through, which is great! However, this statement is utterly erroneous. We all have control over our thoughts, and it is absolutely imperative, in the wake of infidelity, that the wayward spouse's thoughts are marshaled firmly AWAY from the affair partner. If a thought pops into your head, you control it -- you don't indulge in the fantasy, as waywards are wont to do.



This statement also bothers me, and here's why: while technically correct, it is license for a wayward spouse to up their entitlement, and for the wayward's greedy Taker to demand more and give even less. It's not pretty, but it's just how it is.

Now, if strugglingaz and her BH can sit down with humble, open hearts, and have a safe, honest discussion about EN-meeting and how they prefer it, and if they BOTH attempt to enact EN-meeting in ways pleasing to their partner, THEN we may start to see some progress.

Until they do that, until strugglingaz stops resisting any and all suggestions to help her recover her M from HER infidelity, then telling a WW to focus on getting HER needs met is a recipe for disaster. It will wear down the BH until he has no love left for her, and the WW's Taker and entitlement will spiral even further out of control. IMVHO.

The idea about putting too much pressure on herself is an interesting one, and I think many of the truly repentant FWS's on here can relate to that. strugglingaz, do you identify w/ this at all?