thank you

Me too, TBA; I'm praying.
Opt

You will get through this. I don't believe you need the support of your wayward husband. Seek it from people who truly care about YOU; it will mean more and be genuine.

TBA, it's time to be totally selfish. Don't worry about Plan A or B. Worry about who YOU want supporting you through this. If it makes you feel worse to see your WS, send him away. If it makes you feel better to have him there, demand his presence.

Either way, always have someone else with you at most/all of your doctor's appointments. It helps tremendously to have another set of ears and eyes taking in all the information that your doctors tell you.

I'm praying for you.

TBA,
I think this is a gut thing about what you need, it will be a stressful appointment and you need someone that is there for you and only you, you don't want someone there that will put any added stress on you...........so I say go with your gut on this one............another ear is good, so often the person going to the appt focuses on one word and doesn't hear everything, I am also going through and illness and I have someone go with me, take notes and only listen...........
I will keep my fingers crossed for you, right now you have to be your #1 focus and all your decisions have to be about you........
Forget about what your husband needs right now, he has made his choice

Do you have any friends/family with medical or nursing backgrounds who can go with you? I promise you, based on 40 years of nursing experience, that you will not be able to hear, understand, or retain, everything that is said to you in a time when you are under a great deal of stress. You need someone who can listen, take notes, ask questions, whatever. You can't effectively do this all on your own, and quite frankly, you can't be sure your "husband" has your best interests at heart at this moment. Pick someone who does. If you don't have anybody with a medical/nursing background, ask somebody you know has your back.

tl

Thanks to everyone who posted. I am graduating in May as an LPN. So I will be having my SIL who is in the Nursing program go with me to my appt.
WH dropped off kids yesterday. He asked to see lumps and I showed him, for one second he looked human but that was over pretty quick. He made us dinner and cut the boys hair. He then kept looking at his watch while I tried to explain what the doctor told me.He then gets phone call and of course I knew who it was. Of course he denied it to no end.He had the audacity to talk in front of me. I asked him to hang up and not pick up her calls in my home. It went down hill from there. I finally asked him to sit down. I told him I needed him to be here for me. I needed him to be my husband through this. He stated he is not that person anymore, he can be my friend. I told him that this was serious and that i was alone, and I needed him . He stated no, he did not want that anymore. I then told him to stick around to help me get the little ones in bed and he said no.I told him that if he walked out,he was making the wrong choice. He then said that he walked out 5 weeks ago. I said this is different I am sick, I need you, he left . OW lives in town I live in so I know where he went. He would not p/u my phone calls . I finally fell asleep.
I know he is in a fog. I want to finish exposing A to OW family, ex husband,ex in laws, but I am afraid she will call police on me for harassment. I feel like I need to fight , and go into Plan B. I cant even think of how to word a Plan B letter that will address this situation with me being sick. I need to write something that will make him think HARD!
I know I cannot lie down and let this happen to me and my family , my marriage. He states he has had NC with her since 11/1. I do not believe this but have no proof since he moved out.

Yeah, you may have no "proof" but you know what the story is so it doesn't really matter. I wouldn't even worry about revising the Plan B letter to reflect your illness--he's knows what he's doing and, besides, not much that you say right now is going to click with him anyways.

If it were me, and if you were my mother (who, last year, also had a scare like you) I'd give him the letter the next time he comes by the house. When he's walking out the door, hand it to him and lock the door behind him.

Change the locks. If you aren't able to do it, maybe a neighbor can do it for you or you can call one of those handyman services. If you have a garage door opener pad, change the code on that as well.

Removing this drama from your life will be very beneficial to you during this time. I really think you'll be doing the right thing.

To hell with her! What's she going to do? Call the police and say "Oh! Woe is me! This mean ole lady keeps bothering me because I'm screwing around with her husband! Really, what'd I do to her? Poor little me! She just doesn't understand that we're in lurve! Can y'all tell her to quit it!!"

Nope, isn't going to happen. She may threaten it, and, if she does, just use one of MelodyLane's lines: You'd better back the f off because I'm adding adultery to the divorce complaint and am going to subpoena you, your phone records and emails and have your sorry [censored] hauled into court to testify to the specifics of your affair with my husband.

TBA, I'd say that if you were waiting for an engraved invitation to Plan B, your WH just gave it to you.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. The best thing I can advise you to do is to READ, READ, READ the articles here, and to HEED, HEED, HEED the advice given to you.

(((TBA))) I am so sorry you're having to deal with illness on top of your WH's foolishness.

I agree with Fred, you really need to go to Plan B now so that you can focus on YOU and your health. If this does turn out to be cancer, then you're about to enter a fight for your life. All the added stress and drama with WH can't be helping you. I was glad to read that your doc prescribed some meds for you. Please take them. It might take awhile for the ADs to kick in but the anti-anxiety med will probably help for the immediate circumstance.

I believe there's another poster here on MB that also went through cancer in the middle of her WH's affair. I'll see if I can find her thread.

I know you want him to be with you during this time, but sweetie, he's not and it doesn't sound like he's even interested. He is not your H right now. You've been talking to a man you don't know. He is a WH. Just like other WS he is selfish, heartless and cruel. He's more interested in the drug of OW right now.

Also, you can't educate a WS, you can't manipulate them, and you can't convince them. You just can't. Judge by his actions, not his words. My DH was the same. I couldn't believe that this man who I'd been married to and shared four children could be so cruel.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Who have you set up to use as your IM (intermediary)? What about child support? Visitation? Pickups? Have you planned all of this out? Because once you go into Plan B, it needs to be a pitch black Plan. No contact at all, no asking about WH and he doesn't get any information about you.

(((TBA))) I'll be praying for you.

First of all , I here, broken , but here. My health is better. It was benign and I cannot thank everyone enough for their prayers for me and my children. I have my mother here staying with me. I am still graduating in May and am keeping up with my studies. Don't know how , but my teachers are the most understanding women I have ever met.
As for my WH.... He has been a complete #@$@. He never came up once through my entire ordeal. And I guess in the back of my mind I knew this. I reconnected with my support and my higher power and I made it.

So now, I am ready to fight. My anti depressants have kicked in and I am ready to FIGHT! For my marriage , my kids , myself, for my values....I want to EXPOSE ! I do not know if the affair is dead but it will be when I get through. I am not SCARED any more....

Please help me!

Hi there Torn,
I am so glad that your health issues are resolved........having your mother there is a real plus to help with the children, your husband doesn't sound like he is even worth fighting for..............
If you still want to expose do so, all the people that have any influence over your husband, the OW's family and friends, Try to do it all in one day so it has a bigger impact..........
Plan B your husband until he agrees to work on the marriage............
Your husband will be mad, so what, that is exactly the effect you want to have happen..........
It's hard to carry on an affair with everyone watching......
I hope you have protected yourself financial and with child custody, if you haven't you might want to take care of those two things.......
Then live the best life you can for yourself and your children.........
Don't worry about him, let him feel the brunt of his decisions ................
good luck
jessi

Hey Torn, glad to hear that you've made it through the health scare.

So do you have a list of who is going to get the news of your husband?

Just re-read your thread. Definitely expose this to OW's side and give him the Plan B letter.

Just curious, do you have some type of agreement as far as finances go?

I sent a FB message to the OWXH this morning. Have not heard anything back. I am Plan A'ing my butt off. He is full of fogbabble . I disregard and keep on telling him I have my sleeves rolled up and am ready to fight for our marriage. He says I am sick in the head.
I am as of now typing up the FB message to OW mom and siblings. Also to OWx inlaws.

As for finances and divorce proceedings, here goes:
We have a court order that states that he pays 25% of minimum wage for our state=320 a month .He has every other weekend(he does not do it).I have physical custody and use of maritial home. That also means that I pay all household bills. He has to pay my car note.We have not agreed on maintenance and support because I was waiting for him to get a job. I have physical custody of kids. He just got a job 2 weeks ago, so I have a new court date for child support modification on 5/9/11. I have a stipulation in Temporary order that OW cannot have any contact with minor children while in WH care.

I have a ?. If I can do it , do I stay in Plan A? Or do I go into plan B? I will do anything that can save my marriage!

Thanks everyone!

Just sent a message on FB to OW mother! Oh yeah! This is going to be NUCLEAR! no more fear ! no more fear!

Plan B and you also subpoena the ow b/c you need an order of support in place and you also need full custody of the kids. Do not let this evil wayward have control or be able to take the kids for up to 90 days (that is what you said your state laws would allow without an order).

I would complete the nuclear exposure, but also at same time have a subpoena for the ow so when you go back to court to get custody and cs and ALIMONY put into place, you also show that the reason you're having to get all of this is b/c your wh is having an adulterous affair wtih this woman, and that she has caused all kinds of financial devastation to your family, including helping wh lose is job.

It is time to go into plan B and protect yourself and the kids from this guy. I am so happy it was benign. Quite possibly, this was God's way of getting you up off of your knees, ready to be THE mom your kids need and to take actions right now.

You were given a gift of life and of the ability to reflect within and you have to do all you can do for your precious children.

Thanks !So do I write a new Plan B letter? What should this one say? anything different?
I am done with exposure on FB unless I find anyone else. OW blocked her FB so I had to do some work, but it's worth it. I will call lawyer tomorrow or maybe email him tonight and let him know.
I have not gotten a response for any of my exposure FB messages yet. I am a worried since I let it go for so long. She has called the police before on me, but since I did not contact her, I am not to concerned. My WH has been a jerk since he found out today we go back to court. Tells me he hates me, and he loves his new life. He denies still seeing her, but I ain't falling for it.

I have found a strength in this forum, I found myself. There are people just like me who know the ups and downs and care about me and the kids, and I cannot ever put into words my gratitude.

My family is upset about exposure, they want me to move on, but I cannot, I want to save my marriage. They are worried that OW will now hurt me or the kids, in some fashion. Has anyone had these things concern them also?

thanks again

Hey Torn,

I agree with Peachy that Plan B is your best option now. I'd use the Plan B letter that you prepared earlier. And that's a very good idea to include OW in your complaint for financial support. That ought to wake her butt up a bit and help ensure that you are protected here.

As for OW complaining about you, I've read it on other threads where the OW may threaten the betrayed, but, really, it's just hot air. What are they going to do? Go to court and tell the world the *reason* you're after her? And air her dirty laundry?

Self-preservation tends to win out in everything else and I doubt very much that OW will want to really get involved in this. I'd bet that it would also apply to the OW in this case. All the more so if she's named in your papers against your husband.

For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for going through with all of this after what you've been through. Surely, your kids will be proud of you as well!