Do you mean verbally abusive? Is this normally the way they are? Also, when you say protect DD, how can I? She has custodial custody based on the provisional hearing.

Her behavior is extrememly dangerous for your health. Go into a dark Plan B as soon as possible. Maybe get some friends and family around your a couple weeks so you can withdraw from her and take care of you.

My WH is not in a good place either, and I finally had enough of his mouth. The things he said to me. I refuse to be a punching bag anymore. I have four kids that I am standing up for and proving to them I am worth more than this.

Stand up for your health. You will thank yourself. Let her experience life without you. Let her have OM and make him fulfill all her EN's.

Protect your daughter by collecting the text messages and you may have to drag your pastor into court. You need to see a lawyer and see about an emergency hearing. Your child is learning how to be very cruel to men. You have to combat this by making yourself righteous, making yourself healthy, and teaching her the difference between right and wrong. Your child needs you to stand up for her and fight bloody knuckles for her. You have one life with this child. You have one moment in time with her. Make that moment in time the best life possible.

Love yourself more. Love yourself more.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how it's dangerous for my health. Please elaborate.

Also, I don't have any family here. My closest relatives are 4 states away. I don't really have many friends either since I don't have the high school classmates to cling to nor do I want to be involved with the drinking/clubbing/smoking weed type people that are my age around here (I'm African American and an Ordained Baptist Minister).

The facts are this situation has caused a lot of major financial problems for me. I'm praying that God will help me pay my rent tomorrow. I'm driving around on expired tags. I'm expecting a disconnect notice any day for electric. Car payment is behind, etc, etc. It's mostly due to my job and the 3 unpaid weeks I've had since this has started (I work at a school and there were 2 wks for xmas break and spring break). To find another job right now would do more harm than good because I would then have to wait for the first paycheck. A second job means I would see my daughter less than I see her now. It's a tough situation.

Mark,

You cannot control your life at the moment without a plan. It will fall apart because your WW has thrown your life into chaos. The only thing you have until your death is your health. It is the only thing that will carry you and your family. Once your health is gone, what do you have left? You need to be spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally present in order to function.

Your life will remain in chaos as long as the wayward has a say in the situation. You have to take a step back and realize you can lose everything today with your wayward abusing your spirit, or you can lose everything today with peace.

It is your decision on the path you take. Starting over is difficult. The first thing I suggest is a VERY DARK PLAN B. Get your sanity out of her mess, and clear your health so you can be healthy.

Evaluate what your priorities are and where you want to go. You will still be losing everything but at least you will have a plan. With a plan you can recover and start fresh.

Your wayward must know what life it like without you. Until she realizes all that she is about to lose, you have to let her go.

You can never recover as long as her affair is happening.

I'm not so sure going dark is possible. We still go to the same church. I left for a while but recently came back and I felt that it was God's desire that I go back. She comes very sporadically but she does come.

Also, would exposure work based on the fact that the only proof I have is WW's word that there is someone?

You are following the plan correct? If you are unwilling to go into Plan B, then are you still going to keep Plan A in action?

If yes, then just keep in mind the longer Plan A and the affair does not end, you have a good chance of losing all remaining LB's for your WW.

Read SAA again, and try and detail your plan. Write your plan out on what you are and are not willing to do.

If you will not Plan B, then your only option now is PLAN A and try to expose the new guy. Just be fully prepared for the exhaustion that comes from an extended Plan A.

Most of what she says doesn't really bother me. Her telling me about the guy today wasn't much of a surprise because I suspected it. What bothered me most was to hear her emphatically say, "I don't care what God wants....". That is a very dangerous statement to make for anyone, and even more so for my Christian WW. I literally worried for her because not only did i hear it, but He heard it, too.

As a minister, I know, based on countless scriptures, the reality of one who essentially has turned their back on God and in no way will it be pretty. Right now, I would love to be there to help her up when it happens, and it will happen, but I don't know if I will be.

And yes, I am following the plan. I know it says 6 months but I got a late start because I did tons of stuff wrong because of a lack of knowledge and not having read the book until late in the game, so to speak..

Mark, I am going to disagree that you are following an MB plan. See, you say that you are in Plan A, which would be correct IF YOU WERE REALLY IN PLAN A. You can't be in Plan A when your WW only contacts you to emotionally abuse you. That was what she was doing by telling you that she has a BF. And you WERE effected. Look at what happened to your focus. Last week, you kept saying that you weren't going to do anything and let God take over. As I stated last week, could it not be that God sent you the answer to your prayer by helping you find THIS place?

Tough gave you some very good POVs and answers to your questions. I think that you should get into Plan B. You CAN do it without anyone close by. My IM is actually someone I have never even met IRL(She is a poster). Everything is done through email. There shouldn't be much interaction between you and your WW once you are in Plan B. The title of this thread states that you were in Plan B. Let us help you get into a true Plan B and be able to focus on healing yourself and taking care of your DD.

How can I really do it when we go to the same church?

Mark - Go within yourself to find what you need. Your brain and your heart are not meeting at the moment. Take your brain's advice today, and let the heart follow.

Maybe your pastor can visit with you at a different location. Just because you do not go to the building doesn't mean the church is gone. A church isn't a building; it is the people inside the building. They are Godly people, and most likely are willing to work with you to save your marriage.

Remember your WW threw your life into chaos with this. You will go down with her because you're "One body". This is why infidelity is hated by God. It destroys everything in its path.

You cannot get rid of the chaos until you sever the WW. You are one flesh together, but in Plan B you separate into two fleshes. It has to be that way for you to regain your health.

Seek out your church for solutions. Maybe your pastor can have a sermon with you on different days, or you attend the church at different times. Seek out the solutions, and I know you will come up with one that works.

You have the power of choice. Use that power to make your life and your child's life happy. Everyday you stay in this state you child will learn a lesson. What lesson do you want to be teaching?

You can find God at most churches. There is no reason you can't find another church in order to go into Plan B. If you get to the point where you need to go into Plan B, you should avoid her at all costs.

Wife just called furious that I told daughter about her boyfriend. I just told her that mommy doesn't want to be with daddy because she has a boyfriend and that you can't be married and have a boyfriend. Was that wrong? It was the truth.

Of course it wasn't wrong for you to tell her.

I've figured that it may be good to do an exposure bomb and then possibly go to a dark plan b. I'll no more tomorrow about what I should do because my pastor is going to talk to her tomorrow and let her know that God is not pleased with the fact that she has said "she doesn't care about what he wants" and that she has lied to him (pastor) about what she's been doing. She told him two weeks ago that it wasn't about being with someone else. He says that he's going to point out to her the fate of those who essentially turn their backs on God.

I'm not too confident that anything will come of that but I am somewhat optimistic that it might. Wife really said some harsh things tonight in addition to saying "why am I trying to hurt our DD?" I didn't comment but I was thinking what's more hurtful to our DD, being raised by her mother and father, or only getting to see her dad 6-10 days a month. Does it hurt our DD to have a mother only trying to do what's "best" for her or doing what's best for DD?

Anyone got a good letter to blast to family on FB? I'm looking to tell her family because no one knows. I can't do so with OM since I don't know who he is but i'll do what I can.

Okay, I'm ready for plan B. Is there anyone here willing to be my IM? Could you all explain to me how it works? What about emergencies while WW has daughter?

Mark,

Can I talk to you one ordained man to another? I am curious as to where your eyes are focused right now brother. Are your eyes on Christ? I have been reading through your thread and trying to catch up, and I'm almost there. A few things have stood out to me though in regards to some of the things you have said... (I apologize to others who may not want to read a thread that is dealing with explicitly Christian content)

Historically us protestants have determined a true church by three marks... 1. The right preaching of the Word, 2. The right administration of the sacraments and 3. Church discipline...

Why would God call you back to a Church that is not practicing proper discipline?
Bad orthopraxy stems from bad orthodoxy. In simple terms, wrong practice stems from wrong belief. Put another way, they don't discipline sin because they are not convicted by it.

It is a dangerous place to be when your spiritual leaders don't hold you accountable.

While we cannot make a determine whether or not a person is truly saved, we can examine the fruit of their actions. Does your wife show the fruits of salvation? Does she show that she is trusting and resting in Christ? I think you know the answer to this.

Remember this passage?

Tit 3:10-11 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, (11) knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.


As for you brother, where are your priorities? It sounds like you are back in school and not active ministry? Is that correct, or are you teaching? I took a little over a year off to arrange things and took a secular job until I could effectively minister. God holds ministers more accountable than sheep, and our households need to be in order. We both probably know that in evangelicalism, this is the dirty little secret of ministers...

Additionally, have you asked your deacons for help in the financial area? I am not Baptist, so i am not sure of the structure, but if your wife is a member and is in violation of her vows, then she needs to be brought before the leaders in the church. One of the tasks is to guard the flock (your daughter too), not just from the Devil, but from divisive people...

Jud 1:17 But you must remember, beloved, the predictions of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Jud 1:18 They said to you, "In the last time there will be scoffers, following their own ungodly passions."
Jud 1:19 It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit.

Some things to think about... These divisive people are rarely content to not recruit. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. It is spiritually and emotionally dangerous to allow your WW to be involved with your daughter and the church.

Just a few thoughts...
CV

Thanks for the words,CV. I am ordained in the Baptist church and was active in several ministries at my old church,i.e. teaching, preaching and music.

Your statements about the church are very difficult because I've learned recently that not many that I've talked to, and i've talked to several as to whether or not Matthew 18:15-17 is applicable today, but they say yes, but not many are willing to do so. Not one said they would do it. Knowing this has made it very difficult to find a place where I'm comfortable.

I've been here where I live about 11 years and know lots about most of the churches and there are many that teach things that aren't sound doctrinally which is why it's been tough for me to find a new place.

As for my wife, the answer is no. She is not exhibiting anything that even remotely resembles Christ and that has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. I've always thought she was believer but it seems like she may have just been a pretender.

I haven't talked to the deacons about my financial situation but the pastor knows everything. He has tried to help where he could.

I am in an awfully terrible predicament and I'm praying that God would somehow intervene.

PS - I still need an IM as the letter is ready. I just need to include how she can contact me.

I can understand that. The truth is, Matthew 18 is *first* about restoring an erring brother or sister, but 2nd about church discipline. How can it not be applicable today? Any conservative Christian group should apply Jesus' words. But I am guessing we'd agree on that. I see it directly tied (in verse 17 to Matthew 16 and church authority. Church discipline used rightly *is* about love. The purpose is not just to protect as i said earlier, but to restore the sinning party as well. I think we probably agree on that as well. I can understand another church being unwilling to discipline a person who they do not have direct oversight of, but surely there is someone who will go with you as a witness to your wife? Remember the question I asked about "you"? What are you doing to care for yourself and your daughter?

This is just a suggestion... Maybe visiting a different denomination for a short while, until the fallout settles a bit more, would be wise. My family had a rough go when I was in seminary full time, and we ended up leaving the church that was in our denomination for just about a year until we could pull it back together. We did not agree with everything doctrinally, but the truth was my family needed to be loved on a bit by the church and the place we were at did it well.



Do a search for PCA churches in your area, they are conservative and Bible believing. You won't agree with everything as a Baptist, but the preaching is generally sound.

My FWW had 2 affairs, one in 2001, the second in fall07 thru spring 08. All the while supporting me pursuing furthering my ministry and seminary studies, and professing to be a believer. The truth hit hard for her. The realization that she had not been apprehended by God and that she had been lying to herself about that hit her like a ton of bricks. I was blessed. She was repentant the next morning after DDay. I am sure she would have displayed repentance before, but I had not given her the opportunity. My in-laws took the same stance yours did, they were... um... less than supportive. I found out on June 18th, 2008. June 21st something hit me, and I did something I would never have thought to do on my own.

I extended grace. Not because i wanted to either, but because I felt compelled by what i believed. I took her in the shower, and in a non-sexual way, I washed her. I told her I loved her despite what she did to me. I told her I loved her as Christ did, and that I expected nothing from her except to listen to what i was saying. That was when she finally understood. Grace had apprehended my FWW, and it "clicked". That was (according to her) when she finally truly believed.

Like i said, my experience is unique (and maybe a little weird too). But for the most part, the pretending stopped. There are habits we are working on, but the patterns aren't there like they used to be. But it took me laying down my life, and being tough in many areas. Telling our kids was hard. They know everything about both of us, and still love us both.In fact, they may respect us a little bit more, because we were real, open and honest with them. We had humbled ourselves before them and they chose to endure with us.

All that said, there is always hope. Live what you preach. It's the hardest thing we can ever do, but if we can't do it, we sure can't expect the folks in the pews to. That may have been my hardest lesson. humbling my own self in the middle of it. Swallowing my pride and self-righteousness... And really being humble. Still struggle with it. even today... probably always will... But I don't think it will dominate me anymore. That's what I was getting at in regards to where are you looking. The puritans had a saying... For every 1 time you look at your heart, look 10 times to Christ. I think for those of us who believe, there is something to that.



In our denom, the deacons help financially. I thought for you it may be the same thing. Brother, you are in my prayers tonight and tomorrow. What's an IM? In a former life, it was instant messenger!

Don't forget to work on you. I have found that the foundational concepts of MB are solidly biblical, even if they weren't intentionally designed that way.

CV

As far as someone going to be my witness, I've done that. Several have talked with her including our pastor and he just did so on Saturday. She lied to him about her boyfriend saying she just told me to get me to leave her alone. I know that's a lie because when she found out I'd told our daughter, her reply was, "You shouldn't have done that. What I do doesn't hurt our daughter because I don't do it in front of her." We are separated since October so I have no way of knowing who he is but I'm convinced that there is a "he". She can hide it because we live on different sides of town right now.

The questions to the other church pastors about Matthew 18 wasn't intended to get them to do so in my situation. I was asking if they would carry it out with one of their own members if the need was there.

I'm trying the best to care for myself. With little or no money, my options are limited. As my daughter goes, I only get to see her every other weekend and every other sunday due to the provisional agreement so I don't know what I can do for her since I'm barely with her.

An IM is MB's intermediary for the no contact in Plan B. I am having a tough time trying to continue seeing or talking with her in the current state that she's end and I'm ready to end all contact with her until something changes our situation or til the divorce happens and I'm ready to move on. To love someone so much but yet see them essentially run away from you hurts like heck. Not having any contact with her will help me greatly.

Thanks for your prayers. Lord knows I need as much as I can get. Believe me, I have been working on myself and I won't stop.

Anyone willing to be my IM? Anyone? Plan B letter is ready to go....