Well I found out yesterday that my WH is "hanging out" with the girl that I let him have coffee with last month who I suspected this whole time may be the OW. Still very mad at myself for trusting him enough to do this..totally backfired. He says there is nothing going on and they havent' even messed around but like I have said to him..I'm not stupid.

He also says this girl has nothing to do with him leaving me but again...I'm not stupid. His weird behavior all started right after he had that coffee. She is also in the midst of a divorce from her husband who supposedly left her for another woman.

I went to a doctor and am starting some antidepressants to help me through this because I am a mess. With the help of my counselor last evening he finally got the hint to leave me alone and go through my intermediary for everything. He was very angry when he left because my counselor told him things he didnt want to hear. I am in Plan B now and through my intermediary he is still being a jerk saying I can't make him leave a key or the garage door opener because legally he still has property in the house. I'm going to speak to my lawyer about that this morning.

I was also told to expose the affair to everyone but I do have a problem. My in-laws are so upset at what he is doing and very embarrassed. I feel horrible and I'm not sure exposing to everyone right now is a good idea because the girl my H is "friends" with works in the same hospital as my father in law. She apparently is spreading rumors that he is gossping about her and my H (not true at all she is a huge liar).

What should I do?

Also i read that your children need to know about what is going on...do I tell my 6 year old then that her father has a female friend that he shouldn't have and that is why daddy left? I am going to get her into counseling also.

My husband is very deep in the fog right now and is still blaming all my faults on the reason he walked away but I know better.

My parents are pushing me to file so I can get rid of him as they are very mad right now.he typed up his own "dissolution agreemeent" with the help of the OW I am pretty sure that I will take to my lawyer and don't agree on anyways.

I am incredibly down on myself right now and can't seem to function right. I have gone through this before with him and it nearly killed me. I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything and I feel like my heart is collapsing.

I was crying last night laying with my kids as they have been sleeping in my bed since H left and my little 2 year old said mommy why are you crying and I said because my heart is broken sweetie and he put his 2 little hands on my face and said mommy I fix it for you. So precious. I will raise him to be more of a man than his father ever will be.

Please help me in any way you can. I'm fragile right now and feel like I could break any minute.

Hi SS. I am sorry you are here. you cannot allow yourself to believe ANYTHING he says. it is all BS. not one word of it is true. from the moment he utters anything to you, discount it 100% in its' entirety. the vets and other big guns will be along soon. i am working tonight so as much as i would like to sleep i cant. you need to focus on yourself, your rest, your well being. pray as you need to, your children love you and are there for you. it is not uncharacteristic for WS's to re-write ALL history. am in sitch myself w/ my WW where she is so deep in her fog that there is no reaching her. was trying until i realized with the help of others here that i was wasting my time. there is NO reaching a WS until they are ready.

and regardless, you NEED to expose. put the pressure on your H. do not allow him to hide this. i re-exposed my W's A to her friends bc of renewed contact, and boy am i feeling the heat and my W's anger. part of me asks if i did the right thing? i worry about it. but you know what, to do otherwise wouldve allowed my W to hide behind her lies. if things were so great for your H and his new "love" they should be proud of it. announce it to the world i say. your best way to end this is by exposure, then plan A, plan B. there is a thread for newcomers that u may be familiar with. you should check it out.

do not for one second say that you "cannot" expose. you can. my prayers will be with you for you and your family. the vets will want to know the particulars of your sitch:
how long together?
how long married?
how many children?
has your H done this before?
etc.

and no sweetsurrender for you. you will hopefully have HIM begging for sweet surrender.

Ok Do you want to save your family or are you worried about EXPOSING this ugly beast and give you M a chance to survive and thrive?
First Breath in and out (big Breaths) Next close your eyes and relax. Next open your eyes with a new attitude.
First step. Snoop and gather evidence.
Second step. After you have proof EXPOSE this to everyone under the sun. EVERYONE! Work place is vital, both of theres. Friends, Family ,Mechanic and anyone u can think of. All in one day of NUCLEAR proportions.
Your WH is deep in a fog. You have nothing till this A is killed. Can you kill it? Yes exposure takes leaps and bounds on doing that. Suck it up and get ready for WAR. Because thats what this is.
We all know the grief and im also on AD meds. Im sorry you are hear! But this is the best place you can be to help give your M a chance. Have you ordered Surviving an Affair from Dr H?
After Exposure you will need to Plan A, then with women Move on to Plan B in 30-60 days.

Hi there,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here, you are among friends that can lend help and a shoulder to cry on, we have all been there, it's all allowed here. This is a very hurtful time and it will take a minute by minute survival.
I'm so glad you have gone to your doctor and he has given you some help.......it will help tremendously through out this time......
I agree with exposing, it is the only shot you have of stopping your husband's affair and having he come out of the fog and back to the marriage.......
If you inlaws are afraid of the aftermath, send them a separate email and explain that affairs survive in secrecy and that exposing it is your best way to kill it.....
It is hard to live that secret life when everyone is watching you.............
Your husband will be mad at you for exposing so what, you can survive that, you cannot survive letting that relationship with the OW continue, the deeper he gets the harder it will be for him to come back to you.....
Listen to the vets here, stay calm and get a good plan together, step by step they will advise you how to save your marriage and why the steps are necessary.....
Buckle up this is the fight of your life.........don't just lie down and let someone else take what is yours................
We have all been there........my husband had an affair, it took him a few months but he is back and we have a recovery plan in place, he was gone so I thought in the beginning as well, the fog they live in is thick. Don't worry about anything he says or does at this point...........
Do your exposure, Make sure you husband knows you love him and would be willing to work things out with him when he is ready to give up the affair woman and commit to the marriage so both of you are happy.......
Breathe, and practice just being still..............jessi

I can't do Plan A. He has already moved out and I have started plan B. He is a very angry,cruel,and different man right now.

I have very little hope right now for our marriage. He doesn't seem to care what happens to me and I dont see him seeing the light anytime soon. Last time he had an affair it took him over 3 months to realize what he was doing.

I still to this day do not think he gets it. He blames me and my not following through and lying to avoid conflict and poor communication as to the fallout of our marriage. Marriage to me is sacred. He doesnt think this way anymore. He is being selfish and you can't be selfish in a marriage. He would rather go find another woman to meet his needs then try again with me.

I'm just so sad!

SS, I am confused about what the problem is with exposure? It sounds like it is working very well.

My suggestion to you is to go right into Plan B. File for divorce on grounds of adultery [if you can] to get legal protection in place, and go into a very dark Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?

How would you know he is angry and cruel if you are in Plan B? Do you know what Plan B is, SS? It is real important that you calm yourself down and do this correctly. If you can put your emotions aside long enough to do a Plan B, you will feel much better in a few weeks, I promise you!

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair so you can read up on Plan B?

I just started Plan B yesterday. My MC helped me do that. WH wasn't very happy about it either so that is why I know he is angry and cruel because yesterday before the MC was horrible.

I do know what plan B is. The basics at least. I do not have the book surviving the affair. I am very limited on funds right now.

I'm trying to put my emotions aside but things just keep blowing up. I am really trying. I am calling my lawyer today!

What do you mean by Plan B? Did you send a letter? Did you cut off all contact? Did you designate an intermediary? Change the locks?

Working on the letter but need some help with that if you anyone would like to help. Contact is all cut off and yes I do have an intermediary but may need to change that...who do you usually get for that??? No locks have been changed. I need to talk to my lawyer about that. I also have a designated pick up/drop off for the kids so I don't have to see him.

MC could be a good choice as IM. Melody is the best listen intently!

I wrote a Plan B letter but it may be too long. I'm not sure what the stipulations are exactly for the letter. I read a couple samples and they seemed really heart felt and lovely. I went over good memories of our marriages, how I am correcting my flaws, and basically how our marriage could be saved if he so wanted it to be. he has left me 3 times because he says I never follow through so i'm not quite sure how to word the letter plus he says he is done and wants no part of reconciliation of course he is "hanging out with her" so he is in the fog. Just not sure what to right...can anyone help?

Why don't you post what you've written so we can see what you have so far?

Preparing for Plan B

Lots of PBL examples in this thread...

Who is your IM? Is it a family member or friend? Have you shown them the thread about being an IM? You will need to make sure that you have a rock solid IM because that is the backbone to a successful Plan B(and I am not talking about "success" in a marital recovery way).

Post your Plan B letter and we will help you with the editing.

You could always go to your local library and see if they have a copy of SAA. It is a good book to read and a very important resource.

You should most definitely expose this affair far and wide, especially if the APs don't want you to.

Does your WH work with this OW? If so, you should expose them at their workplace as well.

Its actually his sister. I don't know of anyone else who could do that.

My plan B letter is really long so I will have to shorten it I think and will post it.

No he does not work with the OW. She actually works in the same hospital as my WH father in law. different departments.

Dear WH,


Each time we have contact my pain about your affair increases. I want to save our marriage, and in order to do that I have to protect my love for you. The only way to do that is to stop all contact with you, until you choose to return to the marriage under the conditions necessary to reconcile.


The very first condition is that you must cease all contact forever with your affair partner. When this is done, I would love to talk with you about what we can do to recover our relationship, and make it the best place in the world to be.

Until all contact is cut off, you may contact me through (insert information here). I will not accept any form of communication from you unless it is sent through (IM).

I appreciate your concerns for our relationship. I have them, too. I want our marriage to be what we always dreamed it would be. I believe in you, and hold the hope in my heart that you will find your way home.

Until then, I love you.


SS

Well good news is I am on antidepressants...bad news they won't kick in for another few weeks and I woke up crying again this morning.

Thank you for the help with the letter. My concern is that he will laugh if I even put in there about no contact with OW. He is determined for a divorce and even wrote out terms. I am scared like horribly scared. I want to give him the letter but even if he is determined for divorce I should put in there "if you want to work on the marriage then contact intermediary?

I just think he will laugh when he reads it with the mindset he is in right now. I don't want a divorce obviously but I feel like I'm backed against a wall and everyone else thinks I need to get rid of him as soon as possible.

Its so hard. I want him back so badly it hurts. He is just so deep in the fog. He says that nothing has happened with this girl but he told his sister that he may want something with her in the future. WTH? I'm not stupid. Maybe they are just friends but come on...i believe it is totally disprespectful to "hang out or date" someone while still married even if you are filing for divorce.

Everything is such a mess

Okay i have a letter but again its long and I know I need to cut out a lot and it may be redundant I guess I wanted to get my point across and remind him of our good times. Can I somehow send someone an email because its too long to post on here?

I would cut it back to about 3 paragraphs and then post it here so we can give you feedback. It doesn't take more than 3 paragraphs to get the point across. Anything more than 5 paragraphs is just visual pollution that waters down your point.