Whining about how you miss OM is not being "open and honest". It is plain cruel to your poor BH and it is fueling your infatuation. Please stop this!

Posting from my hair appt, so this will be brief...

strugglin -- feelings follow actions. You must act in ways that are loving towards your husband if you wish to have loving feelings.

Look no further that where your feelings currently are for proof -- You looked up OM on facebook and your feelings have followed that action.

About there being no other way -- well first, that reminds me very much of my old post here defensively telling everyone "there's more than one way to skin a cat" -- What I learned was this, the fastest horse doesn't always win, but it is the safest bet -- MB is the fastest horse.

Gotta run -- my hair needs rinsing!

Mrs. W

I THINK you missed the major thrust of my last post.

Your children are young, not yet teenagers. Most of us grey-hairs have had a conversation with them along these lines:

(NOTE: I'M NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE AS IMMATURE AS THE TYPICAL TEENAGER. I'M JUST LOOKING FOR AN EASY ANALOGY.)

Dad: What do you mean you're not going to do your homework?
T/A: It's a waste of time, I don't "get" math.
Dad: But doing your homework is the way to "get" math.
T/A: It's too late, I didn't "get" last week's stuff, which I need to learn this week's.
Dad: So get out last week's homework, so we can see what you didn't understand.
T/A: I didn't do last week's homework......
Dad: ...because you don't "get" math.
(Dad then pours himself a bourbon.)

You think "love" is a fixed item, like a rock. You don't have a "rock" for your husband. Evidently, (trusting you) you never did.

"Love" is a plant, like a daisy. You don't stumble across "love" like you would a rock. You plant it, nurture it and grow it, like you would a plant. You (or anyway, we) grow our "daisies" for our spouses.

(Cue Bette Midler's "The Rose")

You and your BH might NEVER make it as a couple - I can't know that. What I can tell you is you MIGHT make it as a couple. What I can also tell you is that your fantasies about OM have the effect of digging up the seed and throwing it away, with every OM-daydream.

POJA works in EVERY situation. That is the whole point and the point you are missing.

The default to POJA is if you cannot come up with a solution that is enthusiastically agreed upon by BOTH spouses, you do NOTHING.

That means no FB until a POJA agreement can be made where you BOTH are enthusiastic. If you are going to work the MB program, work it, don't half-*ss it.

QFT. You are MAKING your H dislike affection and SF with you and one day you are going to get your wish...that he no longer even desires it.

Quit telling him these things. This is not helping your M or recovery. And don't use the O&H or PORH cr*p either. Dr. H is very clear that PORH and O&H is NEVER to be used to hurt your spouse.

He says if you know it's going to hurt your spouse then keep your mouth shut. Simple, we tell our kids the same things. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Also QFT.

strugglin, I hope you are someday able to go back to your posts here and see the callousness and cruelty you are displaying towards your BH in the things you are saying.

And I hope that day is soon because your H deserves better than this and so do you.

Feelings follow actions...begin ACTING like you are in love with your H and soon you will FEEL it. Arguing with us isn't going to change the minds of those of us who have DONE this and it's proven to work. We are in love with our spouses.

Oh, strugglingaz, people post - and post so emphatically - because they care about you and your BH, and about your marriage, and about teaching from their own harsh experiences.

Posters here have been exactly where you find yourself, and others have been exactly where your BH finds himself. People are walking the road to recovery, (personal and/or marital), and see you miring yourself down before you've even stepped on the path.

Your recent posts remind me so much of myself when I was still wayward. I was so thoroughly convinced that I just wanted to be alone, I wasn't feeling "in luuuuuuurve" w/ my BH and I was just all-around depressed and miserable and convinced that my life as it currently was was ... was just not making me happy. And I cast about, not knowing how to make it better, was wildly moody (thanks to the affair highs and withdrawal lows), and was an awful, awful woman to my BH. And the whole time? I was cheating. I was the root cause of all of my problems. I just didn't (want to) see it.

It wasn't until NC was established that things started to improve. The LB$ balance for the AP drops, (or at least stops receiving deposits), and the LB$ balance for your BH is given a chance to rise.

Like Mrs. W said, feelings follow actions. Instead of being defensive, please try and see what the posters here are really getting it. This stuff is that important. Be receptive. Be humble. Commit yourself to just one day of redirecting your thoughts of OM -- think of a STOP sign, think of raping a marriage, whatever you need to do to nip that warm, fuzzy memory in the bud. Think warm, fuzzy thoughts of your BH -- good memories, or admirable qualities that others have mentioned, whatever raises him in your esteem. Then make it 2 days. Then a week. Etc.

All right, I'm starting to ramble. Please keep posting!

I don't understand why you think this is the only business you can run.

There are literally thousands of different businesses you could be running. Or you could not run one.

Can you quantify how much money you would lose if you took this business off of Facebook? I realize you might not want to reveal the exact number. But do you even know what the number is? Will you share it with your husband, please?

How many digits are in it?

Do you think you will be "comfortable" having sex with another man?

Do you see that you will be carrying the same baggage into any new relationship?

DO you see that as soon as the chemical rush dies out with the scumbag you will be in the same boat you are now?

Struggling,

If I may, thought I'd add my .02 as your frustration and defensiveness seems to reflect a very common theme here for some initially. Just some food for thought.

MB forums are broken into topics so that people seeking help can post and gain feedback in an organized manner. The result of that, though, is that in any one forum there is a remarkable (frankly shocking) pattern that repeats from couple to couple, over, and over, and over again. I've been reading here since late 2008, and I can tell you that I am hard pressed to think of ONE situation that is unique. Sure, the circumstances and nuances all differ (kids, country, ages, etc.), but that's just the 100 foot view. The 5000 foot view is just not.

(Please don't be insulted...just an analogy.) Think of it as math, and the majority of people here that know MB are math majors. 2 + 2 = 4. So, when these math majors hear things like �but, MY 2 is different!� or �MY 2 is blue, not yellow!�, it brings the majors to respond that the equation still applies. Pick a 2, any 2. SAHM, H,W, WW, WH, fat, thin, bald, blonde, financially secure, paycheck-to-paycheck...all 2s.

THAT is the MB concept as I sees it, and so that is the counsel direction you are going to get. Sure, details are important to help devise a plan, but the plan doesn't change. Where you are are which element of the plan is lacking (or working) is what will be addressed.

HHH addressed a poster recently, and when I read what he wrote I literally laughed. Not at the poster, but because the poster was coming back with (as my dad used to say) �yeah-buts�. I will paraphrase HHH basically said �Stop with the friggin word-for-word replay of each hour of each day, already. Develop new skills.�

So, there you have my input; take it for what it's worth. Develop new skills...or don't. Choose to do this...or don't. I just think your �questions� aren't followed by a lot of question marks. 5000 foot view.

Do you guys remember how when she first started posting here she claimed the affair was over and how she wasn't having any contact whatsoever? Yet, the more we posted, the more she revealed that in fact she was in contact with OM?

I think she is in contact with OM. After my wife went genuine NC she started to be attracted to me again, was desirous of my company, was affectionate, etc. The only reason I think she isn't is because somehow she is still in contact with him.. or has started a new infatuation with another man.

It doesn't take much to know something is fishy. The last ditch addiction she is holding on to is FB. She can look at pictures, maybe send a pm, etc without her husband knowing about it.

struggling - you may refuse to believe what anyone is saying about falling back in love with your BH, but FWIW, here's my $.02 (again???):

An Observation for New and Lurking WWs

Work the program. Work on managing your mind and thoughts of the OM. This program does work, if both spouses participate. Wholeheartedly...not halfazz.

And this is coming from someone who doesn't even have a restored M. But I still believe this program can work.

I don't know what the deal is with FB anyway. No love lost between me and FB. I'm sure if I was determined enough, and wanted to protect my BH, I could find another way to run my business. Etsy, ebay, craigslist, build my own website...maybe you could come up with another viable option.

You have to cut off ties to OM (all of it--meaning electronic access)... The withdrawal will die...

ITA, CAG. That wasn't what I meant about "what's the deal with FB" - I guess I wasn't real clear - just me personally, I am so freaking sick of FB...I hate it. Huge timewaster, and look how many divorces FB has contributed to! I'm just sayin', we lived without FB for years and years...the loss of it would not be a great loss, IMHO. But then FB was one of the factors present in my A, so I am sorta biased against it, and I cringe whenever I see new WW's who want to keep their FB pages...

Few posts back I think Mrs. W was suggesting a keylogger, which would alert struggling's BH to any electronic searching for the OM's name, whether Google or FB. But I still think the best thing would be eliminate FB entirely and find another option for the online business. They are called Extraordinary Precautions for a reason.

I agree with you entirely. What's the goal? To eliminate the temptation to slip up, or to leave temptation in place under surveillance so that she can be caught red handed when she does slip up?

Seems like the former would be more conducive to recovery.

This OM of yours is a guy who, figuratively-speaking, sucker-punched your husband in the kidneys, dropped a knee onto his back & broke his ribs while he was down, slammed his face into the dirty pavement about 20 times until he was, emotionally-speaking, lying there in a pool of blood & broken teeth, then picked his pocket, gave him one last kick in the ribs for good measure, and walked away chuckling & satisfied with what he'd done & what he'd gotten away with.

I wouldn't be able to forget a man thug like him, either.

My question is, how have you convinced yourself that there's anything good in a guy like that?

Read my wife's story of our D-Day. Read how she says that the pain of infidelity is at least equal to the pain which parents feel when losing a child. (BTW, my wife has worked for over 2 decades in neonatal intensive care units, so she's not just making stuff up. She's seen the sobbing parents & wept with them.)

Like losing a child. But you don't even feel your husband's pain because you're so absorbed in yourself.

Set your bar higher, Struggling. Lordy, you've got 2 daughters whom you teach by your actions. Who do you want them to become?

He makes a very good point.