Hello. H is having an affair with a girl 16 years younger, minimum wage, dependent on him for $, guidance, etc. It's been going on for 1.5 years but I found out 6 months ago. H wanted both family and A so I kicked him out 2 months ago.

I took wise advice from here and exposed to OW, her family and friends on Facebook. I also told H's close friend/co-worker who said she will try to motivate H to open up to her. I told H's whole family. His parents support me but won't confront him. His brother has emailed H if he wants to talk but H hasn't seen the email yet.

I've just heard from OW's sister saying OW's mother talked to H and got his side of the story (lies such as our marriage was going downhill so I forced H to have a baby, now we are going thru divorce proceeding but I drag to hold him back).
My guess is the mother puts some pressure on H and OW, and perhaps asks H to final the D until he can continue with OW? Just my guess because H continues to come every evening for baby.

2 possibilities: 1) H was truly serious with OW and will file 2) H is hesitated to commit to OW and won't file, so gradually the A will fall apart.

H is a loner, no friends just his family, baby/me, OW.

I'm ready for plan B but just wonder if I should wait to see what's going to happen next?

Your words of wisdom please.
Thanks!

Anyone?

How long have you been in Plan A?

Have you lined up an IM, written your PB letter, etc?

If he is already out the house, I would Plan B. He does not need to come visit the baby everyday either. Speak to an attorney so you know your rights. You don't have to file just yet but be aware of what is in store for you if/when you do. Many WSs wake up when it is spelled out what a divorce will mean for them. He will likely not look so attractive to skankho when he has to pay support and he starts whining to her about his mean ole wife all the time.

Slap them both with reality!

I would say 4 months in plan A. Yes, I have an IM, visitation schedule and PB letter ready.

Should I go ahead with plan B or wait? I can only guess about H and OW right now and have no idea what to expect.

Pls help!

I met the lawyer this week - my state doesn't recognize legal separation so for me, it's either file or wait. Lawyer's advice for me is to wait and cooperate with H on visitation (let him come as he wishes)

Madison! Now I remember, I just went back to your last thread. It is best to stick to one so we don't have to search for your details.

You are overdue for Plan B! Chances are the A will die but you need to protect your mental health and your LB$.

Are the ADs helping?

Well your lawyer doesn't have to deal with your WH spouse so I would ignore that comment. I would not allow a WH to come and go as he pleases...that will not be Plan B if you do that. You don't have to file but you can make your WH aware of what is in store for him in a divorce. You don't have to be ugly, just state the facts.

You can always file...it's not like you will be divorced tomorrow. You HAVE to close the bakery in Plan B.

Sorry Susie, I thought my last (also first) thread was mostly on exposure and was too long for others to follow

I stopped taking ADs as I'm ok on my own. I guess I should go ahead with plan b now.

What exactly is the visitation schedule? To take place in your home?

Why does attorney say he recommends that you wait? What are the thoughts on that?
Why do they say let WH come and go for visitation as he wants?

What is the attorneys goal with these recommendations?

If you go to B....do not allow WS to come and go for visitations. Stick to the visitation schedule and using the IM.

Susie I wanted to go dark plan B, no contact right away but that would make H withdraw $$ to rent more baby-friendly place. Right now H is paying 3/4 of our joint monthly exp and his place is very small.

My current plan is to allow him to come 2 evenings (and I will be out until baby in bed) and 1 weekend day (he can take baby to his parents'). I will make sure he won't see me when he comes over. Later, I will ask him to use the pickup/drop off place (a friend's) and be out of my place completely.

Will that work?

The lawyer's advice was based on financial protection reason. Unless I file, H doesn't have financial obligation such as child support, alimony, etc. Since I'm not ready to file, she recommended a gradual approach - reducing daily visits to 2evenings and 1 day, first allowing H at my place, then outside.

I would not allow him to come into your house at all. That is not Plan B. If his place is not suitable for a child then he doesn't get her. Let him figure this stuff out...that is the point of Plan B.

I guess my situation is a bit complicated. OW is very young and will listen to whatever H wants. Her family is involved now but they are out of state so ow can always sneak out. Also H continues to lie to her family about our situation (that he wants D but I drag...)

H respects his parents and doesn't know I told them about OW. They don't want to confront him. should I tell him that they know? I feel he might feel shameful and avoid seeing them (at first). Having no friends, this will narrow his world around ow.

As I explained before, "Unless I file, H doesn't have financial obligation such as child support, alimony, etc. Since I'm not ready to file, my lawyer recommended a gradual approach - reducing daily visits to 2evenings and 1 day, first allowing H at my place, then outside.".

For financial reasons, can I take the gradual approach?

Or should I sit down with him to discuss finances during this plan b? We rent so we are only tangled in: 1 joint credit card and his monthly $$ contribution.

The lawyer said, if he stops all $$ contribution, then I should file but I still have a little tiny hope to save our M, I still want to wait a bit longer.

Headache - please help!

Madison, you cannot do Plan B and let your H in the house. The attorney doesn't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and doesn't know what she is doing. You need to go dark and tell this attorney to make it work. Even if you have to file for divorce to get legal protection, you should do that if it means you can go into Plan B.

Don't go into a halfway plan B. It doesn't work. When you send that PBL, you should change the locks that day. No "gradual" about it. Otherwise it is meaningless. You will just ruin your credibility with a wayward spouse, which is the last thing you can afford to do.

Your situation is not complicated. It is common.


Another great loss. Why expose if you are going to keep it a secret? You are just throwing away one of the greatest weapons you have against the affair. For what?


Half measures will avail you nothing!

You are not going to make it unless you stop being complacent. I don't know of any other way to put it. You are protecting your H's affair and keeping this fantasy alive AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE. You do not have the luxury to be a timid wallflower right now. Your marriage is under assault. Your CHILD needs you to get up off your butt and fight a little for her. Can you do that?

Can you do a little to save your marriage, Madison?

If so, tell your H that his parents know about his affair. TODAY. Ask those jerks to act like parents and have a word with their son.

Then file for divorce, go into Plan B and change your locks. You need to stop dithering, Madison. You are protecting his affair at the expense of your marriage and your child's family. If you want to make it, you need to knock it off!!

Your complacency reflects a lack of caring. You are just telling your H, by doing NOTHING, that you don't care.

I give you NO HOPE in saving your marriage because you are doing nothing to save it. You are in what Dr Harley calls "PLAN C" for plan compromise, which is the "most likely to lead to divorce." You are enabling your husband and helping the affair. You are NOT helping your marriage because you are too complacent.

Melody, I'm glad you wrote me back.

I'm looking at my baby and yes, I need to go ahead with plan B.

- I'll tell H his whole family know about OW now. (although just talked to his father and he reinstated they won't confront H as that wo'nt influent H.)
- I will sit down with H to separate the credit card and discuss his monthly contribution. H might say he wants a divorce and if so, I will tell him to file but separate finances for now. Knowing him, he will avoid filing or any kind of confrontation. I want filing for divorce to be H's responsibility.

Then I will send the PB letter with visitation schedule outside of home, IM, etc.

If H doesn't honor our financial agreement, then I will file. I know H enough that once we get divorced, there will be no return - his pride won't let him.

Your feedback pls. Thanks.