W had the Affair DDay 7 months ago. Big confrontation about ongoing contact 4 months ago. I know she is sending occaisional emails. OMW says OM is transparent is not responding to her emails and is actually angry about them.
We have 5 kids 5-18.

She keeps saying she is trying by that she sees being nice as trying. I need proof of NC, Transparency, real counseling and so on.

She pushes it we argue she is nice. She went out last night was suppossed to let me know if she was staying at her sisters or driving home after the bar.

No text no phone call bno email I have her bags outside waiting for her to arrive home. But to me it feels wrong.

Bottom line is I don't think we have done nearly enough to try and save this. But i know I cant do it alone and I am tired of the fence sitting . I could use some different points of vew
Thanks.

Who was the A exposed to? Was it exposed to the kids?

Was the continued contact exposed?

OM who was a friend exposed to his whole family. My W has nearly no social network, I don't know her coworkers.
her sister and. Stepdad the two most valued people in her life next to kids know.
She emails when she is mad at me. OMW confirms OM has her email going to trash he is transparent.
My W doesn't get transparency.

When the ongoing EA Was confronted confirmable contact stopped.
Behavior changed accordingly, withdrawal, anger etc. I have been plan A and trying to man up but I have hit my limit.

OMW knows, nobody else. Her sister wont talk to me about it her natural parents are their own mess as are mine.

Where is she sending the emails from? If any of them are being sent from work, it's time to address that. "Being nice" doesn't cut it. She needs some very clear boundaries.

Look for a poster named Pepperband. in her sig line she has a link call the carrot and stick of plan A. Read that - it's very clear and helpful. A WW needs accountability and swift meaningful "motivation" to change.

I broke NC two weeks after our D-Day, and DH told me if it ever happened again he was gone. A month later, I looked up OM on mysapce :just to see him" (gag). DH didn't rant or anything.....he just ignored me and packed a bag and left.

Let me tell you......I didn't break NC again.

I am sorry, I am confused by your answer.

It was exposed to her sister and stepdad and that was it, right?

Was it exposed to your kids?

Sorry not enough coffee yet. We did not expose to the kids. I debated long and hard about that read Dr harleys info on it and found conflicting advice all around. The oldest I am quite sure knows all.

You need to expose the A and ongoing one-sided contact to the ALL of your children and you need to expose to all family members, friends (pastor, etc) who could have an influence on your W, not just the people she is extremely close to.

Because your W has been shielded from the consquences of her A and it has been kept secret, you have enabled it and that's at least part of the reason you see her brazenly ignoring your request for NC.

I, too, debated about exposing to our daughter but decided to do so. She is only 7 and I didn't give any details but just explained it in way she could understand. I felt she needed to know precisely why her world had changed so drastically. I felt regret initially thinking more of my wife's reaction than how it was percieved by daughter but now I realize it was the right thing to do.

And you don't mean to say your WW was involved in the decision to expose, do you?

There is no conflicting advice about exposing to children. Harley is adamant that the affair should be exposed to the children.

The problem here is that your wife doesn't take you seriously because you are not serious about recovery. There is no plan of recovery here, no boundaries, no nothing. When you lower the bar this low, your spouse simply lives down to your expectations. The fact that you have no boundaries whatsoever signals to her that you don't care very much.

If you want to turn this around, you should expose to the kids and anyone else in her family and then lay down the law with your wife. If she believes you will accept her on any terms, that is what you will get: just more abuse and neglect. Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

6. ending her affair and promising to never contact the OM again

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

If she won't do that, then you don't have a marriage and should go to Plan B. You just have a set up for another affair.

I was very torn on exposing I suppose I may still be I read so much conflicting info including some Dr Harley info that contradicted itself. At one point I was given the advice. That if the A was over no need to exposes.
OM may finally be at the point to do a real no contact letter.

Sadly she has lost contact with all the people who at one time would have had influence in this situation. Her sis will defend her because they are sisters. Her stepdad is a reasonable man. Her mom and dad......pointless.
I do not have contactd from coworkers she emails from a personal email which is obviously why she is not ready for ttransparency.

Dr Harley did not contradict himself. He never said not to expose if the affair is over. And secondly, the affair is not over. Your W is still stalking the OM.


The OM is not the problem, it is your wife. She needs to end contact or you should go into Plan B and get her out of your home.


Transparency is not a negotiable issue, though. It doesn't matter if she is ready. She has to do that in order to live up to your standards. It is up to you to set the standards here, not her.

I read her behavior as I would that of a six year old child.


When she fails to get her way, your WW emails the OM to spite you.


Check your reactions to her emailing him. Do you think it feeds her need for drama - in other words, does it feed her need to be "sure" you still want her? Does the emailing OM result in you talking to her about staying, that you love her, etc?


She is getting some desired result from emailing, or she would stop. If OM is not responding, the only person who IS, is.......you.


Expose her affair to the kids. Otherwise, you have bags sitting in the doorway, and what explanation to the kids????? They need to know. Their JUDGEMENT of her will work wonders.




More stick, less carrot. Demand a no contact letter be sent to OM, and begin planning your Plan B. That is where I would go with this.


SB