p.s. SS, find another IM. His sister will most certainly not be a neutral party and that will be a disaster.

Hello SwSu,

Can you give us some background info?
How old are you and your husband?
How long have you been together?
You say he had an affair before and also left you several times - why?
Was the relationship ever really good to begin with?
Did your parents and friends like him in the beginning?
Does he have issues with egoism, entitlement, meanness (with you or other people?
Does he generally get along with people?

I am so sorry you are in this situation. May God bless you,

Happyheart

happyheart, how is any of this relevant to the situation?

If he left SwSu several times already, once for an affair and has been bashing her that she and only she is the reason for his misbehaviour it could be important to know if he was ever husband material to begin with. Although I think people can change their ways as well as their characters, they can only do so if they want to themselves.

There is a big difference between saving a marriage with a husband who is basically a good person who has gone astray, and trying to save a marriage and trying to get back your abusive husband. Not saying personality disordered abusive husbands cannot change if they were to follow MB, but... it would be hard and he would have to give 100%.

I felt a little more info could tell us, if he started dating other women in the first year of marriage or if they have been happily together for 14+ years and he has only been having these issues since hist last affair.

Happyheart

HH, what we are trying to do right now is help her get into Plan B. Her marriage may not be salvagable, but that decision needs to be made when she is not under duress.

Are you familiar with Marriage Builders concepts?

I completely agree.

Sweet, I don't get it. You can afford a lawyer and you can afford marriage counseling but you can't afford the book for $10-12? If I remember you MC uses MB principles, does MC have a copy to loan you?

How do things keep blowing up if you are in Plan B?

You should click notify and ask the mods to merge your threads since you've been coming here since for awhile. There aren't that many and it would give people a better understanding of what's going on with you. Please try and stick to one thread. There are many people seeking help here and it's just easier for those wanting to help you if you have your stories all in one place.

Did you talk to the attorney?

SS,

Do NOT worry about how he will feel when you give the Plan B letter to him.

That is no longer your worry.

He will be angry.
He will immediately attempt to break the "rules" and contact you directly. DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE> DO NOT REPLY> DO NOT RESPOND.


He will blame you, of course! Who cares? Remember the fact is that had YOU been voting on whether or not he had an affair

your vote would be NO.

He made his choices, not you.
He blames you because it works for HIM - it is called "blameshifting", because it works to get YOU to do something.

That way, HE is out there saying, "See, it really WAS her fault. She is doing the work."

When the fact remains that he KNOWS what he has done.

He is foggy.


You cannot control him, or his responses, or his behavior, or his feelings, or his choices.


You CAN control your own life. Plan B pushes him to the background, allows YOU to deal with YOUR stuff. Without him being there in the forefront pushing and poking and stirring things up.


Plan B lets you set the boundaries, protects you from watching any further stupidity he has to offer, and helps him to understand that you are your own person with POWER to control your own life.


He will hate that.
He will hate that you have taken control of the situation, and he will hate that you deigned to set up "standards" or "conditions" on your relationship.


He will say things to you that hurt. The IM will filter this.


And remember my one rule:


"Love may be unconditional, but relationships ARE conditional."


You may love him. The relationship may not survive.

If you follow the MB plan, you will know that you did what you could, and the end result is not because you did not try.


If you follow the MB plan and he returns, you have a pathway to help you get to a better marriage.


Either way, you are making the choices now. You control yourself and your life. And in Plan B, you will grow in strength like you never thought you could.


SB

My marriage counselor and my lawyer are being paid for by my parents and WH parents. I plan on ordering the book. Sorry about the posting I will notify to put them in one thread.

Who else would I get as a intermediary? A friend? I'm not sure who to get?

**Me and my husband are both 32 married for 8 years last month. He had an affair 2 years into our marriage and left me saying I was not emotionally or physically there for him enough and I found out he had been having an EA with a woman that turned into PA after he said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I was pregnant with our daughter at this time. He left shortly after she was born.

He left me this past summer saying that I am not doing the changes that I need to for him to be happy. He was living in Pennsylvania for a job promotion and me and the kids were supposed to join him over there after our house sold. We have poor communication and I lie to avoid conflicts with him and I never follow through with things. Those are his reasons for leaving. I never found any evidence of an affair during that time but a month after telling me he wanted a divorce he called me saying he needed counseling and wanted to come home.

He did and even lost his promotion. We went to counseling but didn't follow through (mostly because we had no money) and I thought things were good hoping to get into counseling this summer again as he was supposed to get a promotion again here.

Just last month he acted fine at the beginning of the month. He asked me out for a date not long ago because it had been forever since we had spent time just the 2 of us and wanted a necklace to put his wedding ring on so he could always wear it while at work because he wast allowed to there.

Fast forward a few weeks and he became depressed and then told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and wanted a divorce.

I was devastated because with his behavior before his depression I never saw it coming. All the times he has done this I never saw it coming.

We had fun together. he just says I don't meet his needs but he never tells me he just basks in it and then he wants to run and leave me. My family adored him and even took him back into their lives as well after he left me the other times. He was very close with my parents.

He is very moody and can be very controlling. His family even says that. I did't see it uuntil they said something. He is very kind and caring but can turn around and be this man I don't know like right now. Then I find out he is talking to another woman.

He can get along with some people but honestly most people think he is an [censored]. He is very antisocial but sometimes is very social it just depends on his mood. I see a side of him at home tht no one sees and he can be the best man. He is just not that man right now at all.

Still having a hard time this morning....still doing plan b....any advice?

Really bad morning just over the top thinking...please any advice is greatly appreciated.

I am in Plan B with my POSWH. This is how I have to let my mind think of him.

I am worth more than this as a wife. I am a great wife. I am an amazing cook. I can massage feet better than all wives. I make homemade bread daily for my kids and I. I am a great wife. I deserve a husband who is going to enjoy my awesome food, who thanks me for doing his laundry, who appreciates all the poopy diapers I change. I deserve a husband who appreciates how I get up in the middle of the night to comfort my 3 year old, and how I wash bedsheets for my kids. I deserve a husband who is proud of me because I help my kids with homework, make them supper, play with them, read to them, and shower them with love.

I deserve a husband who thinks I am sexy because I breastfed all my babies, and I have stretch marks from those babies. I deserve a husband who wants to protect me, has empathy for me, and is willing to sacrifice some of himself for me.

I am a great wife. I know how to implement EN's, and I am dedicated to MB. I am a great wife because I am a child of God, and he knows how hard I am working to save myself, this marriage, and this family. I am a great wife and I deserve to be respected, loved, enjoyed, and taken care of from my husband.

I am in Plan B today because my POSWH cannot appreciate how I am an excellent wife. I will either be a great wife for him someday, or for another man who can walk with me using God and MB.

Tell yourself over and over again why you deserve a man, not a boy for a husband. Remind yourself daily that a marriage is commitment, honesty, integrity, and work. A boy will never have the maturity to incorporate all four. Our POSWH do not have the capacity to take on this responsibility because their mindset have regressed to that of adolescence. Stay strong because maturity is all we have to grow from this experience.

For me I have to build myself up in order to appreciate all that I can offer, all that I deserve, and all that I want to become.

I am a great wife, a great mother, a great daughter, a great sister, and a great friend.

Find what makes you great, and remind yourself hourly, daily, weekly ... I promise it will help you realize you deserve so much more out of your husband.

You have to separate this man from what your mind thinks he is today. It is the hardest concept because you just want to shake them out of this dung fog they are in. They have to fall and how far they fall will be up to them. This is where we have no control.

Love yourself with all your strength, build yourself up so you can be the best human to your family. Trust me when you feel confident with yourself you can separate easier from the temper tantrum of your 2 year old husband.

God be with all of us, BS. We are worthy of so much more.

Thank you it is tough love, I think everyone in Plan B needs that pick me up!! Some days are better than others and I think we all hope and pray we are doing the right thing!

It is tough in plan B.
You need to go through your own withdrawal from your spouse.
Imagine how that is similar to what the wayward will need to go through to end the affair and do it once and for all.
Fact is....you miss your spouse for good reasons. He is your husband. You built a life with him based on commitment to be married.
If he ends his affair and goes through withdrawal, it will not be from his committed mate but a self involved, manipulative co-dependant conspirator against his marriage.

Anti-depressants are said to be a big help in the early stages of plan B. Dr. Harley states that a betrayed spouse should seriously consider using them and finding one that works optimately for them.

Things do get better.

I'm not sure who to use as a intermediary. Do you guys have any suggestions? Currently its his sister but I need to change.

Well this morning I am doing a little bit better. I woke up this morning have a real urgency and mind set to fight for my husband. I haven't had that feeling since today. I thought about it but never had the urge to do it until today. I just don't know how to go about doing that.

I haven't talked to him or seen him since the starting of Plan B last Thursday. I miss him so much and think I am going through withdrawal. I have been journaling writing him letters and letting out my feelings (he is not reading them of course). I brought up old times and I seem to be triggering on everything that reminds me of him which is basically everything. I had a very very bad Sunday and Monday. Cried literally all day. Its horrible.

All I think about is him and what I can do to save my marriage. I don't know how he is doing or what he is doing. I know it is supposed to be this way but its driving me insane. I just want to rip the OW hair out and tell her to leave him alone.

I'm so scared and so out of it. I've been trying to remember what I did when he had his affair 6 years ago. I know he claims these both times he didn't leave me because of either one of the OW. he left me because of my inability to give him emotional or physical love the first time and this last time my inability to change the things he asked me to change. I know these 2 situations seem so similar in many ways. I was devastated and had to get on antidepressants. He moved out into his own apartment and continued to see the OW. I was trying to get the hang of being a new mom. I know i wanted my husband back but had no clue how to do it. A friend of mine's mother was the one who told me to start acting like I didn't care what he was doing and be more outgoing and do things I normally wouldn't do. I did and he came back to me.

I feel so weak this time. I don't know what to do. like he has knocked me down for the last time. I dont want that and i want to fight.

These are my feelings today..wanting to fight...fight for my marriage....fight for my husband who I know is still there in that body...and fight for my children so that they can have their family back together.

I'm tired of hearing about divorce and I have grown to absolute hate the word. I have been reading about divorce over and over and it is killing me that he wants this for out family. I wish he would just snap out of it.

Sweets - Today is all you have and he isn't snapping out of it.

Plan B is for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. You are going to be sad in the initial stages because you are grieving the loss of your life, family, dreams, future, etc.

This is perfectly normal and you must go through this phase to get to acceptance. I spent most of March sleeping, crying, sulking, and miserable. I decided to pick myself up and make my life great for April.

I am not giving up on my marriage. Today I have to accept my WH is acting like a single bachelor and is going off the deep end. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I cannot stop him because my WH cannot heal until he meets his bottom.

Clearly my WH bottom is deep. Who knows when or if he will ever meet it and heal. Our men are in a state of waywardness. I call mine WH depression, narssistic personality, and mental regression.

You have to look at yourself today and find out what you want to accomplish today. You have to make sure you can function as a person, and a mother.

Your children are watching you through this process how you deal with yourself are the lessons they learn. Plan B is a great lesson to teach children because it demonstrates to them their mother has enough self-respect to not take this abuse. I demonstrates to them their mother loves them so much she is protecting them from learning the behavior of a wayward. Their mother loves them so much that she is able to remove herself from this drama and still give them what they need.

Find out what you want today, and your husband is not the option. Until he is willing to EP and EN with you, you have to wrap your life around the possibility you may be divorced. It is a horrible word. We are raising a generation (especially men) of sissys, entitlers, too tough to fix it, I want it all now, I deserve this, and I have no empathy or remorse.

As Pepperband once said their behavior is truly criminal. They have all the same traits as criminals at the moment. Don't you really deserve someone who in not at this level?

I totally agree with you. I have been doing the crying and sulking. I just don't see how he can get away with what he is doing. I won't say its not fair because I have come to hate those words. Since I have not been talking to him I havent really gotten any better but not being bothered by his constant texts about paperwork and this and that has helped greatly.

I don't think I am mentally stable enough right now to go forward with a divorce. This again is all happening too quickly for me and I will not let him push me around in that area. I feel like 2 people begin a marriage then 2 should end it...not one.

I have been reading a lot about divorce and I have to say it sounds horrible and I can't believe so many people have to go through it. If a divorce is mutually agreed upon btween the husband I wife I get it, but to force it upon someone is absolutely cruel. He has done enough to me that I want control of this one. My parents are pushing me to get it done now and so are most others. I need to do this my own way.

I know that divorce happens every day and a lot people go through it I truly get that but it doesn't make it the right choice for every single problem in a marriage which I beleive it is used for a lot these days.

Our generation is horrible with divorce. My pastor even said that. His words were that a lot people have yet to grow up and take on the responsibility of being a father,husband,and provider. I feel that is true and it can go the other way as well as a woman.

I know I deserve someone that is kind, caring, loving, compassionate, would take me for me with no questions asked. I do understand that. I don't see myself ever marrying again if this does end up in divorce though. I will have a hard time even dating. I believe there is only one person in this life you can trust and that is God. I don't want my heart broken again.

I have been reading in the bible alot and that seems to calm me down when I am at my lowest. I read Hebrews today. If only more people would walk with God. Marriages would be so much better and how they should be. Just a simple change in lifestyle can make a huge difference and that is what I am concentrating on just for today. I am taking one day at a time.

I pray for my husband every day. I know he is a good man who has just lost his way. God has a way of working things out and I am putting all my trust in him today that he will lead me down the path I need to go whether I want it or not. I'm scared but I need to trust and that is all I have right now. Without him and my kids I think I would be curled up on the floor for days.