Hello. New here. but, i love it so far! I am 45, H43. D13

. H told me in Jan he was unhappy and was going to leave. Sex life was bad and he was unhappy. Although I was aware of these things, I was devastated that he would be willing to toss me away. I snooped and found evidence of PAST pa. He said he was very sorry about that, but said that he wasn't seeing anyone now. He did it all overseas when he used to travel alot.

He eventually decided that we could "start over." But, he didn't want to wear ring, and his actions were contrary to starting over. I am the one who had to do all the "fixing."

Anyway, I felt all along he was seeing someone, but had no evidence. I asked him on several occasions and he always denied. A couple weeks ago, , I felt like there was a turning point in that he was starting to really show affection and love. But, he went overseas for one week, and upon his return, everything seemed to fall apart. All of a sudden, he seemed distant and uninterested in sex with me. I found a change ticket that showed he had lied about his flight numbers.

I was devastated, but didn�t know what to do. I did not tell him I found the ticket. A week or so later, I decided to talk to him about our relationship. I told him I felt like I was in limbo. We are supposed to be relocating for his company and getting the house ready to sell and find a new home in a different city. But, when I brought it up, he said, not in these exact words, he was thinking that I shouldn�t move with him and that my changes seemed �fake� and �forced.�

I again, was devastated and told him that I couldn�t make him decide, that he had some thinking to do. He got all weepy and asked if we could just go have fun together. We drank too much that night, had a great time, had great sex but unfortunately, had big hangovers in the morning. Then he proceeded to act all depressed the next day. We actually had done something similar a few weeks earlier and he acted all dreamy and in love with me the next morning, but not now.

Right now, he is in another city on business. The first two nights I believe were valid, but he called me today and said that the meetings just didn�t get stuff accomplished, so he was going to stay an additional night. I said, of course honey, do what you gotta do. Like a good wife.

Early on I did convince him to close his private checking accounts to be more transparent with his money, but he just started taking chunks of cash out of the account, so I had no way of knowing how he spent his money. Then the other day I got a warning that someone had changed the password on a old charge account that we don�t use anymore. He said the card company called him and said someone was trying to charge on it. I said, yea. I asked him if he had seen the card and that it was missing and he of course, said, �no, I don�t� know where it is.� I bet it is in his wallet. His phone is a work phone blackberry and protected with a password. His laptop is protected with passwords. He�s an IT guy, and all his technology is heavily protected.

Anyway, he is still acting distant and non loving, but can have some loving moments. He still holds my hand or puts his arm around me when we watch tv. He holds me when we go to sleep at night, and sometimes, draws me to him in the morning to hold me. He surprised me yesterday when he called me out of the blue to see how I was. Then he called me to tell me he loved me and to thank me for sending him a nice text that I sent him the first morning he went on his business trip just the other day.

So, there you have it. I have been going thru hell, felt like dying or not living anymore lots of times, felt like telling him to get out at times, crying (not in front of him) and having almost a constant dry mouth brought on by bouts of crying. All the while, for the last couple of weeks putting on a �happy� face and acting like nothing is going on. I�m exhausted, but I don�t know what to do. I don�t want to lose him, but I am fearful of him relocating and keeping me on the line, and all the while living with his girlfriend in the new place.

HELP!!

Welcome to MB...

Go to the store and get some

voice activated digital voice recorders.

You can't fix a marriage with another person in it.

Mr. W

Hi SG, welcome to Marriage Builders. The basic problem here is that your husband is in an affair. He has an OW out there somewhere that he is very involved with. Your next step will be to find out WHO and find out as much as you can about her. Don't ASK, just quietly do some sleuthing and find out. You will probably have to hire a PI to tail him.

Once you find out who she is, come back here and we will help you with next steps. Finding out the who, what and where is the key to saving your marriage.

I would also suggest that you get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you will understand the concepts we propose.

He does not talk on his phone at home. Only checks txts and emails--for work, of course.

Can you get ahold of his work phone and install flexispy on it? And can you install a keylogger on his laptop?

All his technology is locked down. He tells me for "work security" and "work guidlines." I tell you he is an IT God!

You need to somehow make this happen. Even if you have to hire a PI. It shouldn't be too hard to install a keylogger on his computer. Does he use it at home? If so, it takes about 5 minutes to put a keylogger on it. I think you can even install webwatcher without the password.

I don't know anything about those things. I need to do some research. I guess.

I installed a keylogger on my now XH's laptop. He is a programmer. He not only didn't find it, but when I had all the evidence I needed and he KNEW it was there he still couldn't find it. Easy to install.

A PI might also be able to help you with a keylogger. Perhaps a hardware one (one that you actually tap the computer wires with) as opposed to a software solution may work best to beat an IT guy.

Voice activated recorder hidden in his auto velcro'ed under the drivers seat ought to do the trick.


Also...there is a way to search somesome's name on Twitter. It's something like "search twitter.com kate middleton". Search facebook too using your husbands name and/or nicknames. It's a long shot but they may have a facebook or twitter page they communicate on and leave open since it's "their" secret page that only they know about.

Don't let on that you are suspicious. You don't want him becoming more careful.

Mr. W

Hi all. The weekend Sucked. I seem to be losing him inch by inch. There were some Relationship talks. spurred by me. But on sunday, out of the blue, he asks me if i'm happy. I say, no, but that i am happy with him and would be happier knowing he where he was in all of this. Then, I ask him and he says that life is complicated and that he could be happier.

Then, a little later, after a drink, he starts apologizing to me for all the bad things he'd done to hurt me. (i thought he was talking about his prior affiars.) Anyway, it is a sweet moment, and we kiss.

The time seems to be getting better, then we make the mistake of watching "spiderman" the movies. who would have thought? Since is involves a "love" he starts acting wierd. He starts to distant from me again. i think he is missing his lover.

I get irritated and start in a talk that he is being that way becuase he is missing his girlfriend and doesn't want to cheat on her! I feel bad that I said that. He denies and asks me if I really believe that. I say i don't know what to believe. I look him in the face and ask him to tell me "i do not have a girlfriend." He of course says it to me. Although he paused for a long while.

I told him I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he told me he didn't know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That made me sad and I said "I don't know what to do." He acted a little scared by me saying that, and then he said that, "well, couples do to go through fazes." Like, even though he felt that way, he didn't want me giving up.

I then looked him in the face and said that if he is seeing someone, he needs to stop becuase it is hurting me and it is not right to be treating me that way. I know that is not doing the trick.

I am scared. He is supposed to be relocating for his job and could do that anytime after June, I guess. Once he is relocated, i don't know what kind of hope there will be. He's already been asking me what it costs to keep our current house going minimally. He makes an executive salary.

Is there hope? He's such a lier and with his computer/security background and the fact that his company supplies all his technology needs, he is locked up tight.

I'm afraid to expose, but i know i need something drastic at this point. He just seems to be so fixated on how "unloving" I used to be. He really likes to bring up how in the past I questioned whether I should have married him or not. He always brings stuff like that up when we have a talk. It hurts, becuase I know I really did hurt him a lot in our years of marriage together and I cannot take any of it back. Although he was no angel.

Someone, please cheer me up with your magic wand, or maybe just some good advice.

This sounds very fixable but you need to get to work on killing the A first. I understand you believe you can't snoop on your H because he has everything locked up tight but what you probably don't understand is that waywards make lots of mistakes. Once they are under the influence of the A, they are basically not thinking clearly anymore.

Have you tried to gain access to his phone or email or FB records?

Have you tried to install a keylogger? How about a VAR in the car?

We can't help you if you don't get the goods on the A and who the OW is...

PS ~ this type of conversation is a BAD idea. It really does nothing to help you, except to remind him that you are suspcious of an A and to cover his tracks.

Remember, you can't "talk" or guilt him out of his affair!

Thanks. I was wondering, since he has to "relocate" for his company, I was wondering if I should use that as my reason for "Plan A."

He pretty much told me that he didn't think he wanted me to move with him last weekend. He didn't use those words, but he said it some other way. Then, last night when he said he didn't know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

It really hurts. I know he is seeing someone that he thinks is "the bomb" and that is going to make him happy. How sad

Anyway, just leaving me to hang is really crappy. It's like i'm just sitting back and waiting for him to leave me.

So, I just wondered if I should say that he needs to decide how i fit into his life, becuase if he leaves me here, I can pretty much see that the relationship is over. Does that make sense?

Or maybe I should just ask him to move out now since he is leaving me to hang. Or is the exposure that important. I don't seriously know if I can get any kind of real data on him. Although I've been thinking about the voice activated recorder

OK, I can see you are going to need help refocusing (no offense). Everything you said above is really a distraction & secondary from what you need to do right now, snooping and finding out who the OW is.

If he is traveling and going to see the OW, I really wonder if you should just bite the bullet and hire a PI. Do you have the $$ to do that?

In the meantime, definitely get a VAR in the car pronto and I would look into what Mr W said about having someone hardwire a keylogger for you. If I were you, I would be out to the store and on the phone getting these things done TODAY.

I did something I don't know how to deal with. This morning, i was downstairs with H and saw his phone. I said, oh look you got a txt. and then I asked to see it. I know that was dumb. Just a gut reaction. He asked "why" several times, i said "becuase" several times. Then i said, "an act of faith." He got angry and said no and walked out of the room.

I sat for a minute. I got up and sat his phone in front of him and walked upstairs without saying another word. He said my name several times and for me to come to him but i just ignorned him. Now i don't know how to finish this.

He left to go to work. I was looking in his truck after he was gone to see where i might place a var and found medication for depression he got just last week. I am so sad right now.

He had come home early yesterday and the day before and said he wanted to talk with me. I think it was in repsonse to me not telling him i loved him after he told me so. and then i didn't repsond to one of his txts like i usually do. i think he got worried that i was giving up. We talked a lot, and he opened up a bit about his pain and sorrow about the way things are. We even decided that we would go somewhere this weekend but, even so he still seemed a bit distant and not loving. i think he is so confused.

How to do deal with my asking him to see the txt and then walking away after he refused. Please help me with this mess.

Sapphire,

You may not realize it, but you do have *some* evidence already. It is circumstantial, but it is there. You have the ticket he changed, you have the depression meds, you have angry outbursts and schizo behavior, you have him hiding stuff from you... All signs. If he wanted to talk, make time to listen. My FWW told me many times she wanted to talk to me, and I thought it was to improve our marriage during the A. What she wanted to tell me was that she was having an A, wanted me to end it for her, but was too chicken, ashamed and weak to follow through.

Another thought occurred to me. Don't ask him if he's having an affair. He will deny it. Let him talk and coax him a bit. If he sits to talk with you and never gets to the point, gently tell him you know there's more and you need to hear it. Brace yourself for what you hear. Knowing there is an affair and *knowing* are two radically different things. Don't reveal you know it's an affair, but do tell him you have evidence something is going on. Keep putting him on the spot. Make him work to tell you and don't let him off the hook. He needs to be uncomfortable, he probably wants to get the secret off his chest and is afraid of the repurcussions.

CV

Thank you CV. I appreciate your reply. I don't know how to proceed from my actions this morning asking to see the txt.

I think I should talk to him when he comes home, I just don't know where i should be and is it even worth trying to gain more evidence. I feel lost, and I am so tired of the games.

Many waywards get depressed, sometimes suicidal. They are basically under the influence of an addiction and often the find themselves powerless to get themselves out of the affair mess.

Saphire, the way that you need to look at it is that your H needs you to help him. Of course you should try to get the evidence.

Go to the store and get the VAR today. Can you do that? I would appreciate an Y/N answer.

The phone that you mentioned, is that phone under your name?

You should be able to look online at your cell phone records. You can see the texts, but you can see the origination # of every text he receives and the destination # of every text he sends and the time of the occurance.