Please help!
I discovered my husbands affair some 5 months ago - just before Xmas...nice!
He was a Head Teacher and had an affair for 15 months with my great friend and parent at the school.
His affair led to his resignation and the loss of our house.
I threw him out initially but let him back for Xmas to see the children and we had stuck together since.
I love him and want us to work but am finding it very very hard.
I have to see this lady every day at the school gate....and if that wasn't hard enough, I am feeling these things very hard to comprehend.
I am very angry with both of them for humiliating me.
I hate her for using my friendship to get to him.
She was the one who propositioned him and I know if she had never been brazen enough to do this, that he would never have made the first move.
The affair started 10 days after my father died - when I needed support from my husband and friend the most.
She used my children to get at him; and often told them 'she felt like their mother'.
She used her position as parent to have regular meetings in hi office.
She copied everything I did; my friends, my style, my hobbies.
Their first encounter was 'sobber' and therefore there isn't even that excuse.
He said he fell in love with her....I cannot comprehend why he would want to be somebody who so overtly manipulative, ugly and so cruel to his wife.
The longevity is a big issue for me as well as the fact he was given so many warnings as some folk were suspicious.
On top of that she is ugly and very fat which makes me feel so ugly and attractive.
I do love him. I married him for life and want to grow old together and I believe he does too but how do you exorcise these feelings that possess me.
I don;t want to feel anger but it just comes and I cannot believe that he was actually capable of such cruelty. If he really is this person and is somebody with no morals then may be I should cut my losses.
I know the mistakes I have made. I was not supportive enough, my desire to help was seen as interferance and I didn't make him feel special enough. It's sad as I loved him completely and was so proud of him.
Now I walk in shame, I am no longer proud and our children have definitely been affected....as my daughter said, she is very disappointed and doesn't know if she will ever love him in the same way ever again.
We saw this lady and her husband the WHOLE time. They were neighbours and our children's best friends. I invited her in to my house and gave her my husband on a plate. I realised we were seeing each other too much and tried to lessen contact but it was too late. I will never make that same mistake again. Reading all the posts and articles has helped and I know I need to move forward and be positive but how do I do this when the actions were so hurtful and cruel. I didn't realise that my husband was capable of such poor behaviour.

Sorry for the long post - please help. I want to recover but do not know how to.

Sorry you are here but welcome

First, your H did what many waywards do which is known as "affairing down". It has nothing to do with OW's looks but everything to do with her meeting his ENs.

Second, it doesn't sound like NC has ever been established which is the reason you guys aren't anywhere close to a recovery. You may have to move inorder to ensure that you never see or hear from OW again.

Who was this exposed to? Does OWH know? Your kids? The school? All family, friends?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, AEK1. What a lousy Christmas present you got.

A couple of questions for you, if you don't mind:

How long have you been married?

How old are your children?

Is the OW's husband aware of this affair?

What does your WH say about this? Is he willing to do the work to heal your marriage from this terrible act?

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS.

Your anger at the (approaching) 6 month interval is not unexpected or unusual.

Anger is your pain vocalized.

Are you and your H working a recovery plan?

None of your (average) marital mistakes can explain/justify your husband's decision to become an adulterer and expose his own integrity to the stink of OW/sin.

NONE of your (average) mistakes are to blame for his adultery.

Never forget this.

Everyone knows. Her cleaner, who she confided in blew the whistle on her when she was sacked. Nice revenge!
The whole school knows as he had to resign.
All our friends know.
The kids know.
It's a mess.

married 13 years

Only ever argued twice

Never said he was unhappy

Successful perceived partnership - nicknamed the golden couple.

Yes her husband knows - must learn initial - sorry new to this just now.

kids are 10 and 7.

Think he will do the work but we need to know the rules. Says he loves me but I don't feel the love....he brought her presents and sent her love messages but i don;t get these. He certainly has not been on his knees begging forgiveness. he is keen for me to move forward and not keep asking questions....which I am trying but it is hard.

Don't really have a plan of recovery.....

Think we need a structured one.

Had to move house and everything that we were literally just sticking it back together. It's now reality and I am not sure how I start to repair. I want to love him but look and him and see somebody terrible.

We have some NLP therapy next week and have had some couselling but when we had the counselling it was all too raw and there was still so much else to sort our - practical things.

Kids moving school in Sept so we can get away from her but we still have joint friends which I find very hard. One good girl friend is 'sitting on the fence' and sees her because she says 'she is supporting' her husband. We were very good friends and I feel that I can no longer see her if she is seeing my husbands mistress.

Is she worse because she suggested the affair to him or is he as bad as him?

Buy/Read the book I linked in above post.

AEK, this is a link to the counseling center on this site. Check it out. Do you think your WH (wayward husband) would be willing to counsel with Steve Harley? He can give you a structured plan that will be the best bang for your buck. Steve has tools that he can give you that will actually help you - not only with healing, but with affair-proofing your marriage so that you will never have to face this again.

The counselors you have already seen sound typical. Most marriage counselors don't know the first thing about actually healing marriages that have been damaged by infidelity. My H and I went to a marriage counselor - nice guy, waste of money. I didn't know about the marriage counselors on this site at the time, or I would have counselled here.

You will need to eliminate from your lives the people who are not friends to your marriage. If you have friends who insist upon keeping the OW as a friend, those friends need to be cut out of your circle. They are not friends to your marriage. And really, friends are unimportant when compared to the health of your marriage.

My H and I had a friend who was aware of H's affair. While he did not encourage it, he didn't discourage it, either. That friend is no longer in our circle. By omission, he was not a friend of our marriage.

I would not waste precious energy, determining whether OW or WH was the 'guiltier' party. They both threw their morals and commitments into the trash the day they decided that an affair was a good idea.

Already been on line to order it...sadly it will take a few days to come from the US to the UK. Have a mountain of good books including ones by a great UK author......but nothing seems to train my mind......the hurt and betrayal on all levels was so bad....job, house, kids, friends.....I feel there is little left. How can I love a man that was so evil and cruel. Can this happen?

You are absolutely right. Most marriages do not recover from affairs and as a result, simply limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. Subsequent affairs are often the result.

The structured plan you seek can be found in the book Surviving an Affair. Get that book, along with the book Lovebusters and the accompanying workbook. Follow that plan. Unlike any other program I am aware of, this one really does work because its entire focus is restoring the ROMANTIC LOVE to your marriage.


The key is to affair proof the marriage and follow these principles so you can fall back in love with each other.


Most counseling is destructive to marriages because they focus on grievances rather than a workable plan. Marriage Builders does have counseling, but if you are very methodical and organized, you can do this program on your own. MB counseling is not "raw" because it does not discuss the past and DOES NOT counsel couples together.


Good that your kids are moving schools.


They are equally culpable.

I would love to counsel with Steve but I can do this from the Uk? Is the price of $995 for the counseling? Would love to find the money to do it but with no job, it's hard.

Have now ordered both books.
Thank you for your support.
I want to work this out.

If you are methodical and organized, you can do this yourselves with the books, the forums and the radio show. If you get stuck, you can email Dr Harley for free and he will give you advice on his radio show.

Yes.
It can happen. "It" being a happy recovered M where spouses LOVE each other.

It takes time and effort.
Be patient with yourself.
Do not beat yourself up because you are in pain.
You were deeply wounded.

AEK,

Have you continued to snoop to ensure that ALL contact has ended?

I mean, GPS/VAR in car, keylogger on home computer/s, checking his cell phone records etc? (not by asking him, please don't do that!)

Unfortunately with affairs, you almost have to assume that contact is continuing unless you can verify that it is not.

There is no moving forward if there is ANY contact between them at all, even glancing at each other from across the school parking lot will set his w/d clock back to DAY 1.

Seeing her is also triggering you so if there is any way to avoid her when bringing your kids to the school, please do so...

I don't think there is any contact. I would be surprised. He is out of work and we are together 24/7 unless he is on a cycle ride!
I would love to avoid her but it is almost impossible. Our kids were invited on the same sleepover this w/e but we avoid seeing each other. Our lives are very intertwined sadly. Every time i see her at school or even her car, I get angry angry angry.....

I think you and your family should move. Preferably out of state. Otherwise, your recovery will be very difficult and painful. Since your H is out of work, what is keeping you where you are now?