I had an affair that has ruined my marriage and my family and now i gone into a deep depression because I feel that I am stuck and cant seem to get out of it. I feel truly stuck cuz when I cant seem to be the bad guy and cut things off with him I feel like I am the worst person in the world. My husband wants me back and my children also. I have crushed everyone's hearts I cant seem to get passed it. I did move out which I'm sorry I did cuz that tells me more that I have fell into this habit of having fun and being loved. I have read all of Dr. Harleys "How to Survive an Affair" and i know it says cut off everything and dont turn back. How can I do this when I'm feeling the weakest I have ever felt in my life.how do i overcomethis

Tell your husband and a trusted friend or counselor. You will need to lean on others for strength and accountability since you feel so weak. If you truly want your family back you have to end the affair. Absolutely NO CONTACT (NC). Write the NC letter and have your husband read it and deliver it with you. Then let your husband into all of your records. Phone, email, etc. No more secrets.

You have come to the right place lostcowgirl. Listen to the great advice you receive here. If you listen and follow through with the advice, you can get through this and rebuild your marriage and family.

Can your husband come here and post too? It would be best if you both work on the Marriage Builders plan together.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Does he live with you?

Can you send your husband here?

For starters you overcome it by breaking all contact with the OM no excuses or whining that you can't do it. It's the OM and ongoing lies, deceit, hurt and fictitious love or it is a journey of recovering the marriage , true love , trust , your husband and family.

Work it out it will be a lot worse if you do not drop the OM permanently. We can guide you when you do this, not doing this means you are still in the affair.

I still have to understand how a woman with kids can have sex with OM and enjoy it while she knows her kids miss her and are home without their mom.
It really goes beyond my comprehension and yet is done on a regular basis.
You tell me you do not live with your kids now?
How old are they?
Do you think it is right what you are doing.
No wonder you feel miserable and you are a basket case.
Pull yourself together cowgirl!
Everytime you desire to be with OM think of your kids who need you...
How can you even feel like being with OM knowing your kids are without a mom.....
Please, leave OM, do all you can to stop this and go back to your family.

Hi cowgirl,

This may not be the advice you are looking for, but here is my suggestion.

1. Take the day off work...I am assuming you are living with the other man..
2. sit down first thing and write the man you are cheating with a letter. Tell him it is over, you don't want him to contact you in any way shape or form. If you are not with him, put it in an envelope and set it aside.
3. Pack everything you own into your car.
4. if other man lives with you, write his name on the letter and leave it where he will find it. If not, put it in your purse and get in your car.
5. Drive to where the OM works and leave him the letter. Don't even talk to him. Hand it to him and leave. No hugs, no kisses nada...
6. Drive to wherever your husband is, ask him to step outside and beg him to take you back.

Tell your husband what you did. Tell him everything. Be completely honest and open with him. Answer every question he has for you.

Will it be hard? Yes. Will it work? It can. You don't have to live a life screwed up by selfishness. You can break all contact and in a little while you will see this other man for what he was... Dirt. If he loved you, he would never have broken your home, stolen your marriage and ruined your children.

lastly, encourage your husband to come here for some support. There's some smart (and tough) cookies here that can help.

On second thought, you may want to ask your husband if he wants to go with you to deliver the letter personally. Put an end to it together if he is willing...

Otherwise, you will end up in this cycle the rest of your life.

CV

Because it is an addiction. She will not be able to overcome the addiction until she commits to no contact (NC) with the other man (OM). She is having difficulty getting through the period of withdrawal that occurs when she doesn't see her OM (the drug).

Review the video on the following link. It describes the addiction of an affair and the withdrawal that a wayward must go through prior to recovering the marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Hi Cowgirl,

I understand what you're saying...I broke the hearts of my H and kids also. Sounds like you know that you're making all the wrong decisions. You say you're weak and I believe you are, but being strong has to start with a choice to do what's right even if it's hard.

Making your marriage work is probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done...it has been for me. The sooner you cut all contact with the OM the better. The longer you stay with him the more damage you inflict on your family. The man you promised to love, that has invested his life in you, who's children you are mother to, this is the man that you are being mean to. Leaving the OM is not mean. It's the only way for you to really love your family at this point. You ARE the bad guy as long as you keep this OM on the hook. You CAN be the wife and mom God meant you to be...just do it!

The hard truth is that if you don't go back now your husband and kids may not want you back in the future. Go back, stick it out, it's going to HARD! But take it from someone who has been where you are...it's worth it, your husband is worth it, your kids are worth it and so are you.

I will be praying for you and your family.
BG

Cowgirl, you said "I fell into this habit of having fun and being loved."

Really? You were LOVED?

Let me tell you the truth. Any man who would get with a married wife and mother IS USING her. He hardly respects you. It is an insult for a guy to do that.

Maybe you did have fun, but it WAS NOT LOVE. Love doesn't rip a family apart or make children cry at night for the warm arms of both their mom and dad.

Love doesn't make you behave like a childish idiot. Love doesn't make you check your reputation at the door. Love doesn't make you turn into a tramp-o-lene (props to the originator of that) , liar, cheat, and abuser.

You see, by having this affair you have become those very things.

You know something? My xwh tried to come back to me at about the two year mark, and ironically, shortly after he married the sleazy affair partner. I turned him down. I'd rather have cut my lady-parts cut out rather than be with him at that point.

You will lose a window of opportunity to ever reconcile with your husband if you don't act soon. And you might justly LOSE your CHILDREN in the court of law soon too, for such unbecoming and vile behavior.

Let me get this..you abandoned your husband and children for a piece of a? You did that?

You say you can't be "the bad guy" if you cut things off with him. What does that say ABOUT YOU if you are not willing to make things right and come back on scraped and bended and bloody knees begging your husband back and trying to become a worthy mother to your children? I think YOU NOT DOING THAT makes YOU THE BAD GUY.

Just speaking the truth here. It's time somebody did. And you're getting loads of the truth right now, here from other wonderful posters.

i'm not going to make you warm and fuzzy about your "oh woooo is me, I feel sorry for myself b/c I can't quit banging the om" at all. Nope. You see, I had to hold my little boy as he would sob at night, wondering why he wasn't always with me (he had ten days a month then with his dad). He also cried and cried over at his fathers' house during visitation so bad one night, that their nanny called me to come over and comfort my child so he could sleep.

It was horrible what my little one went thru at the hand of a non-repentant cheater. Horrible. And after that window of opportunity for my then wh to do the right thing closed, I was relentless until I got full custody and made things legally right.

You're walking a fine line right now. You won't have any choice soon at all if you continue. And one day your sweet husband, will say NO MORE. He will do as I did, draw the line in the sand and take you to court and demand justice.

Please learn from the idiocy of my ex husband and do the right thing. Learn about MB, learn what you can do to end this affair.

It's your choice.

I say Cowgirl up. Be a woman. You were used and disrespected by the om. Save your marriage and family if you can. Your kind husband is far nicer than I was to a wayward.

This is true. What you have is not "love." A man who loved you would not help you destroy your life. He is about as "loving" as the "friend" who hands a suicidal person a gun.

Seriously. You think you're depressed now? Wait till your loving and faithful BH wants NOTHING to do with you anymore. Wait till you're spending every night alone. Wait till you stay late at the office every Friday b/c your BH has the children and you dread going home to an empty house.

The reason you are depressed now is because you know what you are doing is wrong, in every sense of the word. I know. I was a cheating wife too. I tried to drown some of what I felt then in alcohol, and it didn't work.

OM does not love you. The POSOM just wanted a piece of azz so he could go back and brag to his cheating pals how he banged another married woman.

If your BH actually wants you back, then you have a blessing and an opportunity that I will never have again. Listen to the advice you will get here, and for God's sake, follow it!!!

Like peachy said, cowgirl up.

I wanted to answer your question Cowgirl as "how do I overcome this?"

Simple. Here's a bit of wisdom from my great aunt. She told me this on my 16th birthday but didn't really understand it until my 20th birthday.

"Keep your pants up and your skirt down and you'll never get into any trouble." ~Peachy's aunt

You either CHOOSE to degrade yourself and destroy your family and marriage by cheating with the other man, or you decide it's time to regain some dignity and end this stupid affair NOW.

YOU choose. YOU decide if the skirt stays down and the pants stay up. Nobody cowgirl in this corral is holding a gun to your head. Althought I AM HOLDING your feet to the fire.

Please show us you're ready to save your marriage and family. Have you decided to END this tragic affair?