It's ok Albizia.

You did great! He knows and he is a wayward, but, HE CAME OVER for dinner and you will Plan A him even with him gone!

Maybe send some homemade cookies and a pic of the kids and you to his hotel room? I think something like that is great. He needs to see that connection with home/you/kids/happy/comfortable. He seems to have made that connection as he came over for dinner last night.

now how did you Plan A him last night? Please tell me you did! It is OK for the wayward to be mad. That's part of the stick of plan A. Next time he says something about that, all you say is "Well I love you very much, our kids, and our family. Would you like a piece of chocolate cake?"

I tried to plan A him by looking nice, cooking a great dinner and spending the whole night talking about him. I asked him all about the trip and listened attentively to his answers. I offered to take care of anything he needed while he was away, but he didn't need anything.
This morning after he left he posted on FB saying that he had begun his big trip so I added a comment saying "Have a great trip, we'll miss you".

Now that's plan A warfare at its' finest Albizia!

You know..you could send him a cute photo of yourself too. Wink. There are things you can do that will throw a monkeywrench into things in case the ow is around.

I think you did a fabulous job plan A'ing. Thats what most guys want. Attractive woman hanging on their words (admiration). And a fabulous meal. And you happen to be his wife and mom of his kids!

Keep it up. And find creative ways to plan A from afar. You might even put something up on FB like "Have a fantastic tuesday, will MISS having YOU over for dinner like we did on Sunday." Stuff like that will let ow know he is spending time with you and with his family.

I'd slap a nice, big family picture up on his wall for all of his friends to see. Caption it: "We miss you! Hurry home!"

OK I need a suggestion.

My husband has just put on FB that he is sitting in a restaurant with the OW.
I tried phoning the restaurant to see if I could send a bottle of wine to their table but they couldn't do that over the phone.

Any suggestions.

Did he do this while "at his work trip"? Or he hasn't left yet? I probably would of personally drove over there and started to talk about family matters (Little Johnny wants to go to the zoo, what do you think about going there? Little Susie thinks more time is needed with you... Also, what do you think about my hair and my dress?) Also announcing to OW that you are his wife and the others around him. If he is that daring again call all your family to come visit him. He is obviously not trying to keep his affair a secret, is he?

Unfortunately this is the start of his trip so he is not in the same town.
I am really angry and hurt to think that it is OK to put this on FB knowing that I would see it. Actually I have just checked and she put it on facebook and it has tagged him. I don't know if this is better or worse.

I took the kids to counselling today, they are hurting so badly. Is it a good idea to tell him what they are saying or just deal with all that myself.

Albizia, Sadly, since your H is in the fog, he isn't likely to care too much who is hurting as a result of his actions, even if it's his own children. Think "zombie" like you have already observed. Tell your support system, but there's probably not much of a point in telling him.

I admire your strength and fortitude during your Plan A time. You are giving it everything you have and your children will see that. Lean on your support system.

Albizia,

You are doing incredibily well and I admire you have followed through on exposing and Plan A and just not falling apart.

These next 5 weeks are an opportunity for you.

Time to take care of "you".

Need to lose some weight - go for it since you do not have to cook any meals for WH

Splurge go for a new haircut, color, manicure anything to help build your confidence.

Plan some fun outings with your child. Make it an adventure it will do both of you good.

Make yourself "less available". If WH calls don't answer every call. He figures you are waiting for him, obsessing over him and that is not attractive to a wayward. Act happy, act as if.
Sometimes let your son answer the phone and don't ask to speak to him. Make him wonder why you are happy without his crazy wayward ways.

One night when you know he is going to call, get a babysitter, dress up and go to Barnes and noble and drink coffee for hours. Have the sitter answer the phone you are out for the evening. When he asks where you be vague, "was I not sure I will go and get a cookie now, goodbye"..

This will drive the OW crazy because WH will be bringing up your name all the time in wonder.

Good luck and blessings...

WH called from overseas to say hello to kids and also spoke to me. It was nice and relaxed.
Just checked FB and notices that he has posted "Nice night out .........finished up by talking to the ones I love back in OZ" At first I was excited about that then I say that OW has clicked "like this". Obviously he also talked to her. Should I make a comment on FB saying " Thanks, it was nice to hear from you" or is that too much?

I would put it on there. Let that skank know that he has talked to his wife and family.

Can you change it up to make it sound like a little more personal?

I actually wrote " It was good to hear from you, we miss you. The kids are making you a present for when you get home."

I think that should let her know.

That sounds great, especially mentioning the kids and the present. Good for you, Albizia!

I am trying my hardest to plan A but I am not sure it is working. I have made sure to comment on his pictures on FB, I have been very friendly when he has called to talk to the kids and generally tried to be a good plan A. This morning I noticed that he has changed his status on FB from married to in a relationship. I also went to do some banking on the internet and notice that he has had the statements redirected to a PO box rather than our home.
When is it time for me to either go see a lawyer or move into plan B?

albizia - the time to see a lawyer is NOW! You need to protect yourself and your kids. The redirecting of the bank statements and FB changes are pretty serious.

I am so confused!
I love my husband and I know that what he is doing right now is because he is in a fog but that doesn't stop the pain. Everything he does hurts me so badly. I am trying to do what is right. I am going to see a lawyer but I don't really know what to say. I want to protect the children but I am not sure how. He still claims to love the children and says he wants to be a good dad but his actions say that they are comeing a distant second or third to OW and work.
I really need some good advice.

albizia - FWIW, I feel the same about my wayward wife. I would take her back in a second, with conditions of course. She's still going to do her thing and the day she moves out it's going to hurt. However, she doesn't hurt me as badly any more, because I think I know what's going on with her. I'm a couple of months ahead of you. It will get better, regardless of what happens. You need to gather yourself enough to lay out a timeline and any evidence you have for the lawyer. (write out notes beforehand with approximate dates, etc.) You might want to bring financial information too - how much does your husband make, etc. Your debts, etc.

Right now, the A is #1 and everything else is way down in the order. You're reading that correctly. He's not being a good dad by abandoning his kids and/or divorcring you to find himself or whatever his line is.

I'm not a vet but my suggested steps are:

1 - write out the notes for the lawyer
2 - get an appointment with a lawyer ASAP and meet with him or her!
3 - try to get a little distance between you and him emotionally. You can still plan A, but be a little mysterious.
4 - reassess your situation once you've spoken with the attorney

Try to find a trusted friend that you can talk to and vent when you're mad, sad or frustrated; try not to make it a family member. If you reconcile, it'll be more difficult IMHO.

Ensure you include a clause that your children are never to see or be with the OW and any of her family or friends. Include visitation or stayovers to premises or places she may reside in.

Your WH is in a fog and he is in pure alien mode. I am concerned about changing his address on account.

Go for a consultation with an attorney to protect yourself and kids. This does not mean you have to file or divorce him just to know what your State guidelines are for financial protection. Most consultations are free. Ask first.

Have you heard back from his workplace yet? That bomb should be hitting soon. You are doing all the right things and doing a good Plan A.

Just be a little less "available" to him. Continue to do Plan A but do it in a detached way. When you are available 100%+ he will withdraw more. Have you talked to OWH anymore?

Just breathe. blessings.