The legal stuff is a bit different over in Oz. Nothing can be done about custody untill there is a mediation between the parties. The law will not give full custody to one partner unless there is a danger to the children. My lawyer has advised me to sit tight and wait untill he organises the mediation and just keep being the best mum I can. She has also said that since some of the depts were made on family expenses and while we were together they will have to be shared. She has told me that any depts I did not know about should be his and she would argue that in court. I am opening my own bank account and having my pay put in there. At the moment he is still paying the mortgage out of his pay so I do not want to take any more money from him in case he stops, which would mean having to sell the house as I can't afford it.
I need some advice about what to do with his stuff. At the moment he is still overseas and does not have anywhere else to live so all his stuff is still here. Should I be packing up his clothes and stuff or just leaving them in the wardrobe?

Albizia, I just read through your thread and I just wanted to tell you how impressed with how well you've done.

How long you stay in Plan A depends on you and how you can handle it. Since he is out of town, it may be a little easier for you to stay in Plan A as opposed to having him around all the time right now.

My vote is that you stay in Plan A for a bit if you can. When he calls and rants and raves, you stick with your mantra that I am doing what is necessary for our family. How's the weather over there? Usually we advise you to offer him a cookie but since he's not there, nice friendly conversation will have to do.

Keep posting loving updates on his FB. If OW is posting comments on his page, you have a good opportunity to let her "friends" know what's really going on. Read up on FB exposure. Expect to be blocked sooner or later by your WH and by OW. That's why you should get your FB exposure done sooner than later.

Good job on protecting yourself financially. This is part of getting ready for Plan B. Have you read up on that? You will need to write a Plan B letter, do some searches for that. Anything short of a proper Plan B can be damaging. I also suggest that you read up on Scotty's thread. Plan B is not meant to "save your marriage", it is meant to give you some relief from the drama and pain and start to heal. The darker the better.

The point is to do a fantastic Plan A that will show him that you are willing to meet his EN if he will end contact with OW. Then when you go to Plan B, it is sudden and unexpected. He won't know what hit him and he'll have to resort to OW to get his EN met. In the meantime, you will be protected and out of the drama (if you do it right). You'll need an intermediary, etc. But let's focus on your Plan A right now. You have time before you go to Plan B.

I'm going to put a call out for some help for you.

Oh, and remember to breathe. Take good care of yourself. I know it's hard to even think right now and it seems like you'll never run out of tears. Thank heavens you found MB to help you get through this.

(((Albizia)))

Agree with PM...

You have been in Plan A for about a month now, is that right? You need to start lining up your Plan B NOW so that you will be ready to go dark as soon as you need to:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447

Start writing your PBletter. Do you have an IM? Once you get one, we will post the IM training guide for you to give to them.

Hang in there!

albizia, did you expose to the OW's family and friends on facebook?

I let her husband know but he has not contacted me since. I did not expose on FB because they don't seem to be hiding anything so I wasn't sure it was worth it. As far as they are concerned he is seperated and in a lovely new relationship.
I will read about plan B and start preparing.
Thanks

I would most definitely expose to her friends and family on facebook so they know the truth. You most certainly should not allow their lies to stand. All they know are the lies that have been told by that skank and your WS. THAT is why they are so flagrant. They have been allowed to sham all her family and friends. Imagine how her family would feel if they found out she is shagging a married man? This is a very important exposure, albizia that you can't afford to miss.

I would make a copy of her friends and family and paste this list into a WORD doc. Change your picture to one of you and your husband. Make pictures of you and your children and husband public so they all can see this.

Then send them a PRIVATE message that goes something like this: [space it 60 seconds apart so you don't get shut down for flooding]

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Your silence serves to enable their lies. Don't enable them!

I am incredibly unsure about any more exposure. I thought about sending a message to some of his friends on facebook which says:
"As a friend of WH you would have noticed that he has changed his staus from "married" to "in a relationship". To clarrify this, what he actually means is "still married but choosing to destroy his family and hurt everyone close to him by having an affair with OW"."

What do people think?

I think that is weak and ineffective. And comes across as someone who is not very serious. The OW is being ALLOWED to take over your rightful place as his wife because of your silence. Why would you allow that when a simple message to the OW's friends and family would change this whole game?

By exposing the affair to the OW's family and friends, you ruin the future of her affair. Why would you not want to do that?

This is a *HUGE* missed opportunity and I can't see going into Plan B unless you have done a thorough job of exposing this affair.

Are you going to name OW? You might also ask them to use their influence with WH to help you fight for your family.

What about exposing to OW's friends?

There is actually a FB exposure letter here for exposing to OW's friends.

If you do this be prepared for people to respond differently. Some may ignore you, some may respond and tell you to get a life, but some may actually end up supporting you.

The point is to let people know what's going on and once you've messaged them, you've done that. So I would drop the phrase "to clarify this, what he actually means" (to me, that sounds a little sarcastic). It would be best to follow the suggested format for the FB exposure.

ETA: I type too slow! I see that ML beat me to it.

I don't understand why she hasn't exposed to the OW's family but is already talking about Plan B.

Albizia, you really can't afford to forgo one of the most potent exposures. Exposing to the OW's friends, PARENTS and family is one of the most impactful exposures. In this case, the OW is getting divorced so you don't have her H to bring any pressure. But PARENTS can bring enormous pressure. We have had parents actually intervene and stop affairs.

If I were the OW's parents, I would tell them that your cheater H would NEVER be allowed to darken my doorstep. Her parents may very well intervene.

This is a HUGE missed opportunity.

I think someone up-thread suggested she go to Plan B immediately. I agree about the exposure!

Well I have posted on his wall and I have sent a message to people who I think are her family. I hope this does not backfire.

That is great! How would this backfire, albizia?

Did you send messages to her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles? Her parents will be the most important exposures. Now, no one is going to see anything you post on his wall, so I would instead, send messages to anyone who is key in his life that has not been told BY YOU about the affair.

I hope the FB stuff has had some effect. I went on to check my FB and notice that WH has removed himself from my friend list. Before he did this I went on to her FB and sent the MB letter to a few of her friends who looked like they were family types. I guess I sit back now and let things happen.
At least when people ask me what I did to save my marriage I can say I did everything I could.

I am really scared I have done the wrong thing.
My father rang me and told me that WH has called him and said that OW want to sue me for being liable and get the police involved to stop me sending messages. I really hope sending out messages on FB has not given them anything they can use against me.
God I don't want to do anything wrong here I am just trying to do it right.

I know that you are in a different legal jurisdiction from most people here (and I am in the UK, so I am different too) but I doubt whether the messages you have already sent can be illegal. it is not illegal to send messages to people on Facebook - that is what it is for. I doubt that you have said anything that is libellous, either. Generally, throughout the world, libel does not exist where the allegations are true.

I have heard of the police calling on someone and saying that if there were any more messages, they would take action, as a complaint had been logged. I believe that was here in the UK. I will try to find the thread and bump it, but I can't remember who the poster was, so it will take a while. But as I remember it, this was nothing to do with Facebook. It was a BH trying to send messages to OMW and constantly being blocked by OM. He tried various different email addresses, and kept getting the message that OMW had received the message and did not want to hear more about the affair. He suspected that it was actually OM sending this reply, and he kept trying. Eventually the police paid him a visit saying he had been asked to stop and hr must stop, or be arrested.

My point is that you probably have not broken the law YET, and there is nothing that you can be charged with. If the police contact you and say that they will charge you for further action, then take legal advice, or simply stop.

You have done some effective exposure now. I haven't read the whole thread, but if you have reached the key people, your job on Facebook is done.

Don't be intimidated by the threats of WH and OW. If you are contacted by the police, ask them what offence they would charge you with. Do not allow anybody to intimidate you with threats.

Don't panic , you told the truth and if she takes you to court she will have to admit her infidelity in a court of law and it goes on public record.

If your father calls again tell him you told the truth she is the one that should be scared. She is angry because you have exposed her deceit and it is unpleasant for her.

Your husband is trying threatening and bully tactics , standard script for a wayward when exposed, hopefully he is angry as hell , it's called you being honest , him being dishonest and reaping the consequences.

What will annoy your husband and the OW is they will not know how widespread your messages went. They will be scuttling around and muttering to each other.

Do not tell him or anyone else how many you messaged.

I think it sounds snarky and will earn you a couple of embarrassed giggles from voyeuristic FBers. You will get no action from this type of salvo.