Grace, find some place to leave the baby. It is not undivided attention if there is a baby in tow. It MUST be without children and without any distractions in order to be effective.

The best way to do this is to sit down and schedule your time out for the week. Write down the times, dates and planned activities. This way, if anything else comes up during the week, you can say you already have plans and everything else is put aside for your UA time. UA is the most important thing for your marriage and your family so don't wing this step. This is key to making this program work. Marriage Builders does not work with the UA time: 15 hours to maintain the romantic love and 25+ to CREATE.

We are working with Dr Harley and his staff, and this is probably the biggest thing they have been hammering us with, Grace.

I work from home and my H has a 3 day work schedule so we do get lots of UA time in but in the past it hasn't been really good quality time out of the house doing things we both enjoy, meeting the top four needs.

We have been improving in this area and let me tell you, it REALLY makes a difference.

Mel is right, it WON'T happen if you don't sit down and schedule it and make it a priority!

So yesterday I called my parents to watch all three kidlets so we could go to dinner (including baby). Soo nice!! On the way home I called to check in and of course the baby had woken up, played and was screaming the last 20 minutes. We decided next time it would be at 7:00 because the baby goes down for the night about then.

It's extremely difficult for me to drop off the baby with just anyone, you would think I would want to by the third kid (but not so). I have a great system with the older two kids and very close friends whom I trust and we switch off, have play dates, pick up one each others kids, etc ... Within the last year my sister in law lost one of her twin babies and it hit everyone pretty hard. Dropping off an infant with just anyone, I just can't do it, I would NOT enjoy UA time. I have a certain "approved list" but they also want to hang out with their families at night. So getting UA time without all three kids will definitely take some getting used to and effort.

We will get Hilltoppers family involved as well. Love his family, aka the Brady bunch. I've had differences with his mother about helping out and watching the kids. She is a wonderful person and great grandmother, but extremely selfish with her time. I've never taken advantage of people watching my children, including my parents and friends. She definitely makes it known that she has already raised her own children and doesn't want to babysit. And I have made it known that I respect her decision but I don't agree with it.

We hang out a lot of the time, but I am rarely able to leave the children with her. When I don't get to see her she complains that she doesn't get to see the kids. Hmmm??? His mother is avoids confrontation and conflict at all costs. I've brought up things in the past that bother me and things haven't changed. I accept them and move on. This has definitely caused a few arguments with my husband. His sister has agreed to swap date nights, our kids are a few months apart and are connected at the hip. I will focus on more babysitter time with her.

PS got to do a run early Sunday morning, agreed upon both sides. I had an internal giggle when I walked through the door because my husband's face said it all. He was exhausted and I had been gone an hour and a half, back by 8:00. I took over with the baby and he told me he was just quiet because he was pooped and just wanted to relax on the couch. I was just thinking "see honey, sometimes you just get worn out and there's nothing to read into." I thanked him for watching the baby and soon enough the infant stage will get easier. After an hour (gave him some time to relax) we continued having a great day with the kids and UA time in the evening. Weekend runs will be limited after the race next weekend and I will continue running during the week with the baby.

Forgot to ask

Please remind me who said they have 6 kids under the age of 6. Wow, kudos and hats off to both parents!!

Markos and Prisca. It wears me out just thinking about it.

That's me and my lovely wife Prisca. I sure picked her well, our kids inherited their mother's genes and are beautiful, which is one reason I'm glad we have so many of them.

Sorry, there's nothing fair about DJs Even when you're just venting them here, they affect the way you are going to treat your husband because the venting reinforces the thinking in your mind.

If you vent that your husband is the MOST IMPATIENT, LECTURING, CRITICAL human being on the plant, it is a whole lot easier to treat him like the MOST IMPATIENT, LECTURING, CRITICAL human being on the plant rather than focusing on meeting his EN.

I've, at times, felt like I was married to the most impatient, lecturing critical sorry excuse for a man ... but venting those thoughts, and dwelling on his stupid mistakes, never helped anything.

Your husband is trying. Have patience.


Definitely make UA a high priority.
Are you getting 15-20 hours a week?

Do you guys have His Needs, Her Needs For Parents? There's a chapter in there on relationships with the in-laws that you guys might find helpful. I think there may also be some similar material toward the end of Love Busters, but I suggest checking out both.

Also, are you scheduling 8 hours of sleep per night for both of you? (I'm sorry if you've already answered and I just never saw it )

Exactly .. I found HNHN for parents much better than HNHN. ANd yes .. we followed exactly what it said in there about in laws ... and even tho the IN laws dont like it. Its made home life alot easier in regards to inlaws... especially problematic ones that think MB stuff is for ppl that need a crutch etc. My father and his commonlaw GF of 20 years think MB is a joke ... and they make fun of us constantly for it even tho they seen us go from our worst to our best after using MB. SO they get what they deserve ... None of our time or VERY little. And we get the same thing lately of them complaining they dont get to see the grand kids much anymore. Wonder why?? hmmmm

Your doing GREAT Tgrace! Its difficult at times .. but keep at it!

Gonna check out the book online. We have love busters.

It's funny because just the other night Hilltopper and I were saying how you could probably use some of the principles of MB with family. Definitely will have to check this out. Still working on research for the Maca root, I will let you know. You sure your not a rep for the product?

Ok so I'm a little confused, maybe I didn't read it right. I totally agree with you stated about how the venting doesn't accomplish anything but how is it a DJ. DJ: "attempts by your spouse to change your attitudes, beliefs, and behavior by trying to force you into her/his way of thinking." So honestly, I'm not sure I get it. Not making excuses, it was rude name calling. I walked away before my head flew off and vented in written words, so yes I get that.

Yes too, I have MASSIVE patience

This week will be 15-20 of UA time. Last night started us off right.

And six kids, wow, inspiring. Any infants? What do you guys do for your UA time (home, out, etc) and where do the kids go?

In light of tonight's incident in the middle of the night I know that tomorrow I will need to call Dr. Harvey or my husbands father ASAP. Please advise if you have called Dr. Harvey or called family for intervention.

I'm in udder disbelief and at a serious loss for words ...

Details on what happened might help.

Intervention for what?

Hi, Grace,

What happened? It sounds like you two had a fight in the middle of the night?

Call the Harleys ASAP. Skip the whole telling on your spouse to their Mom and Dad.

Name calling is always at least a Disrespectful Judgment. It can also very easily be an Angry Outburst. Either way, name calling is a degrading Love Buster.

Do you see anything respectful in labeling your husband the most impatient, lecturing, critical human being on the planet? He may be impatient, he may be lecturing, he may be critical, but I see a HUGE exaggeration here.

Be careful when you start to exaggerate. You are probably venturing into DJ territory.


Not if you're having AOs. Are you? It sounds like you had one last night.

Your husband is feeling very insecure, and he is making many blunders because of that. Why would you respond with an AO if you have MASSIVE patience?

He made a HUGE mistake in waking you up. You are right to be upset about that. But AOs are never called for.

Do you want to be upset and right or do you want to be in love? If you want to be in love, calm down, mark this incident down on the LB form, and make today a great day.

How many exactly? Are you using the forms to track the hours?
It is very easy, especially with little ones running around, to think you're getting 15 hours when you're not. I can think of many weeks where I neglected to track our hours, and I thought we were getting 15 hours in, but in reality we were only getting 8. Eight hours UA a week won't cut it. Are you tracking the hours?

Are you making UA enjoyable? Are you enjoying it?
BTW, UA NEVER includes relationship talk. The conversation needs to be pleasant for both of you.


We have a 7 month old. UA for us is divided throughout the day, usually -- we have an hour from 6-7 in the morning when we have coffee and conversation. If any child wakes up during that time, they are plopped down in front of a cartoon. A lot of times, the baby plays in his crib during that time.

Two or three times a week we go to a local gym where they offer babysitting. We get 2 hours at a time together that way. Did ya'll ever check on your local YMCA to see if they have free babysitting?

Our kids go to bed by at least 8. We can then spend 8-10 together before going to sleep.

Sometimes we are able to get a babysitter, but I've learned to see that as a bonus rather than to rely on it. We haven't been able to find a babysitter that will babysit on a regular basis. So it's important to schedule at least 15 hours in other ways.

Oh my goodness, kilted thrower,

Your acting like I call his mommy and daddy every time we have a fight. I've never once mentioned calling anyone including his parents in the past 10 years of being together. We've always been able to work together and handle/fix things. Sorry, this is crisis mode in my eyes. But yeah thanks for the sarcasm. I'll sit on it for a few hours and rethink what is next.