W said ILYBNILWY in January. No abuse, alcohol, cheating (not that I know of) etc. She is home every night only opportunity to meet /be with someone is during part time job at school. Twice during sep.(sep. bedrooms 12/10) she said she would attend M C. Both times saw IC and changed her mind. Said she wanted D first of March. At collaborative divorce counselor she was asked why she wanted a divorce. When she gave the reasons (looked through her stuff and put her pillow outside the bedroom door (after she was sleeping in another room for two weeks). C asked us to wait 30 days to do anything... not hire lawyers, no relationship talk.

W want to lawyer (1st one appt) and waited there until it was filed... after 4 days... not the agreed 30.

We are both in the house. She cooks meals, washes clothes. Checks in and really acts married. Her IC is driving this D. I asked her best friend after 3 weeks and she was shocked w had filed. W said kids would not be shocked. They were..

No relationship talk since until last wk since filing. She expected to be invited to my families Easter dinner... asked me if I had to tell my brother and sister before the dinner... I told her she isn't going. I am taking the boys. I later asked her if she was feeling some doubt and was that why she did not want anyone told. She said no, she had not changed her mind and thought there was no chance of reconciling.

It is like she is living a fantasy. W is 49. She has no idea on finances and costs of living separate. She seems to think she can get the house with a part time income of 11,000.

I need some advice on being in house with her. I work out of the house. She wants to sit with me in Church, at events.. Wants to share a hotel room later this month at a kids event. She even told me when Easter Dinner came up "we are going to spend dinners together as a family for holidays, Right? I said I did not think so. She either does not have a clue about what is coming or she has it all figured out and is playing dumb. She is smart but I feel very depressed. Listens constantly to books on tape with head phones in. No friends or social life. She has been out two nights since January.

I want to reconcile but it is getting tough not to get down. Kids are great and seem to realize what is happening and who is driving it. No one expected this that I have talked to.

W is not talking to her lawyer or pushing things. Took over 3 weeks to get the papers to my lawyer for me to sign...Her L also sent me an e mail on Easter morning saying that W and he were writing up final settlement proposal on Wed. this week and he hoped it would be amicable. Nice touch...while at brunch with w and Kids...

She blames me for her unhappiness. D 19 is not coming home this summer. This news hit at same time she started this spiral to D. I think it is menopause and depression. She seems to snap every once and a while into detachment or meanness.

this weekend...Well out of town and in separate hotels.. nice day watching S in a championship.. I was pleasant but separate car, timing... not together 75% of the game time.. W invites me shopping around dinner. I say I will head to store. We meet in parking lot. She is leaving I am arriving.... no mention of dinner...

One minute it is like we are married... the next separated. funny how when we are alone is when she is the most "separated". When others are around, you would not know we were even having marriage trouble. Keeping with 180. Turned off my phone. Won't see her until game time tomorrow.... then will spend even less time with her. I am acting like we are done... but still hopeful.

On a crazy note, W told youngest S that it will work out better if he is with me as primary and I stay in the house since she can't afford it... her lawyer must have explained things..... or she wants her freedom without S around.... still sounding very interesting. OM????? OW????? hmmmm.

Any ideas? next steps?
__________________

She is definitely having an A.

I am sorry I don't have more time right now, but ask to have this moved over to the Surviving an Affair forum by pressing "Notify" and there are many posters there who can help you.

PS ~ do NOT ask her if she is having an A!

Start snooping, install a keylogger & VAR/GPS in the car ASAP, see if you can get into her email/FB accounts, check the cell phone records, credit/bank statements, etc.

Menopause and depression wouldn't cause those actions. No.
Probably an affair.
Snoop.
If you find info about one. Don't confront her but report back to the forums for advice how to procede.

I totally agree.

I'm about the same age as your wife. Menopause and depression cause things like eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, and odd emotional responses like uncharacteristic crying or anger.

Affairs cause a woman to detach from her husband and children and ask for a divorce out of the blue.

Snoop. She is having an affair.

hydin, I am going to give you some advice that may very well save your marriage if you will take it. Your wife is having an affair. There are so many red flags one hardly knows where to start, but the first dead giveaway was "ILYBNILWY." That means she has a new point of comparison or how else would she know?

Your wife's plan is to very quietly and secretly replace YOU with her OM. She is trying to set up where you get divorced for supposed long standing unhappiness [a typical WW will rewrite history] and she can "meet" the OM and replace you.

You might have a chance to ruin her plan if you listen carefully to us. See, the odds are very much in your favor if you can uncover the truth. 97% of affairs crumble but 65% of marriages don't end over affairs. So, if you can carefully and quietly uncover the affair and get it out into the open you have a chance to kill it. If you can kill it, you have a chance to save your marriage.

DO NOT ASK YOUR WIFE IF SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. Find out who the guy is and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

The best way to dig it out is to hire a PI. If that is too much, then install a GPS and a VAR on her car, and install flexispy on her phone and a keylogger on her computer.

Get the goods and come back here. You might have a chance to save your marriage if you play your cards right.

Its obvious she plans on getting financial support from her OM. He may be married and if that is the case, he is just stringing her along on the nooky express. Married men RARELY ever leave their wives for free nooky so if this guy is married, you could kill this affair dead. And even if he is not married, it is not likely he will want to take on the support of your wife.

hydin, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Midlife crisis? I wish someone could explain that phrase to me. I hit my mid-40s and realized I would never be filthy rich, never be a movie star, never fill in the blank. I did not have an affair because of that. And yes, sir, your wife is more than likely having an affair, I am sorry to say.

Start reading here. You need to do some serious snooping. Her affair will more than likely be very easy to uncover. You will probably find that her affair partner is a co-worker. It is, unfortunately, as common as dirt.

She appears to be cake-eating right now. She wants the thrill of the affair and the security of family. This won't work, obviously.

Please read about snooping tools on this site. Do you have access to her cell phone? You may well uncover this loser's identity and get confirmation of the affair with a little checking on her cell phone. She may have him on speed dial with a fake female name or fake company name. You can call those (use *67 before you dial the number) and see who answers.

Check her texts and calls. Do you have access to her cell phone records? Look for unknown numbers that she is consistently dialing and texting.

As to menopause and depression? I've never been clinically depressed, but I am going through a knock-down, drag-out bout with menopause. The physical symptoms are hell: hot flashes, night sweats, the whole schmear. For years. My last response to menopause would be to engage in an affair.

And, to repeat Susie's post: Don't say anything to her! Be your normal self (I know that will be hard, but you must.) Be loving and attentive. Try to avoid arguing with her, and she may try to goad you into fights. Don't tell her about this site. This is your arsenal and support network. Don't let her know you're posting here.

When you find something, bring it here. We'll help you with what you need to do at that point.

not sure why this moved to this board...

I understand the term points to an affair. I am looking and have found nothing for 5 months. only out of the house with kids both teens, or for work. If it is work it is at a school during the day (she works part time). No other signs either, underwear still is not matching (something I asked her to change years ago), old and not anything to be proud of... no new makeup, no new activities. no texts or phone calls to a number that is frequent other than female friends I know or family. Only computer she has access to is in the tv room and someone is always there when she is. can see screen from everywhere, Checked e mails, nothing there. no tell tale signs in underwear. She is overweight. Has been to a priest to talk about relationship. counselor seems to be heavy influence.

I could be wrong but we would be talking about an affair that is just sex at lunch in a car or van or office... I think that would spread like wild fire. no perfume... no lipstick, no dressing up. no working out. Listens to books on tape in head phones all the time as an escape. I will keep checking but if it is an affair their is no emotional attachment evidently. They never talk... checked purse for extra phone etc...

I will do more searching. She has been out of the house with co-workers a total of 2 nights until 9pm twice in 5 months.

not sure why this moved to this board...

I understand the term points to an affair. I am looking and have found nothing for 5 months. only out of the house with kids both teens, or for work. If it is work it is at a school during the day (she works part time). No other signs either, underwear still is not matching (something I asked her to change years ago), old and not anything to be proud of... no new makeup, no new activities. no texts or phone calls to a number that is frequent other than female friends I know or family. Only computer she has access to is in the tv room and someone is always there when she is. can see screen from everywhere, Checked e mails, nothing there. no tell tale signs in underwear. She is overweight. Has been to a priest to talk about relationship. counselor seems to be heavy influence.

I could be wrong but we would be talking about an affair that is just sex at lunch in a car or van or office... I think that would spread like wild fire. no perfume... no lipstick, no dressing up. no working out. Listens to books on tape in head phones all the time as an escape. I will keep checking but if it is an affair their is no emotional attachment evidently. They never talk... checked purse for extra phone etc...

I will do more searching. She has been out of the house with co-workers a total of 2 nights until 9pm twice in 5 months.

Do you have a keylogger on the computer?

Do you have a VAR set up in the car?

Could be as simple as an EA with co-worker or fellow student. EAs will detach a spouse emotionally and have them giving the ILBNILWU. It may only be happening in person and not mutated yet. If your M wasn't happy and she has a "friend" it is just as harmful as a full blow A and will become one. ENs lacking?? UA time lacking?? If YES then look for OM at her work or school.
I agree Keylogg and tag her cell with spy.

I will do all of them...

Thanks. still hoping but losing a little each day.

hydin, this snooping business requires some effort. I'm seeing a lot of explanations on your part for why "theoretically" she can't be in an affair. What have you done to confirm that she is not?

Correct me if I am wrong, but I suspect that you do not consider the possibility of an affair to be applicable to your wife. Many have gone down that road and have been sadly surprised.

In the meantime, have you read the articles on this site? I would suggest reading up on the Most Important Emotional Needs, here.

Hydin,

OM could be someone you would NEVER expect, when I first found MB I was reeling from OM4 who was IN HIS 80's. I don't believe he could have done anything physical and my W says he was absolutely disgusting.

The moral of the story, I believe, is that anyone who meets your W's unmet needs in your place will start your W on the path to separation from you.

Funny part was that initially I wanted to rip the guy apart for the gifts he was giving my wife, however after reading here I found that some of the things my W told me about what OM4 was saying to her were right off of some of the scripts OM use.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks for the advice and the article. As I read these I was doing the prep to see what is really out there. My mind is open. My heart is leaving.. sad... wife checked out apartments this week... found notes. Guess at least I get the house....

Can't find any evidence of affair but it has to be in the mix. If there is one it has to be during the day with no other contact at all. I am going to a counselor led men's group and homework was to ask her what led to her decision so I could work on those issues with the group so they would not be issues in my next relationship, leading to divorce 10 years down the road. She said we were getting along so well that she did not want to tell me. She felt it would hurt me so bad that it would damage how we get along. She will not discuss relationship at all. Total shut down. any advice?

Hydin,

What things did you do to snoop about your wife's activities? Did you install a keylogger on any computers? Check her cellphone use? install a VAR in her car?

Do you think you are getting along well? Is she still moving out? Has your wife withdrawn her divorce paperwork? or is it continuing?

AM