My boyfriend who I love dearly and I think he loves me too, and we have a wonderful relationship even sexually, but he visits internet porn sites daily. He keeps a huge collection of porn on line. We are both 52. He hides this from me. Or tries to. I love sex, and so does he - I would have as much as he wants! But he has lately started staying up on the computer alone, and views webcams of women. We are together 4 years. I think he has always had this obsession and I think this is why his first wife left him. Is this considered betrayal? I feel like it is. I feel ugly and not very attractive because of this. It makes me want to stop having sex with him. I am hurt and angry, but I can't tell him I know about it. I saw the history on his computer and I even found a jump drive with his porn saved on it. It makes me feel like I am not enough and obviously I am not. I feel too old as most of these girls are much younger than I am - although nothing like child porn, or anything like that but 20 somethings. I can't even hold a candle to a young pretty porn star. But I do not think I am ugly either, yet now I feel angry and hurt. What should I do?

Tell him to knock it off, because it is hurtful to you, harmful to your relationship, and harmful to his sexual expectations.

I would say the man likely has a porn addiction and needs treatment. Not that this excuses the behavior, but if you love him try to get him help.

If his activities are hurting you, they have to stop. Period. No ifs, ands or buts.

You can't make someone stop doing something. You can only control your own actions.
You can tell him you know he is watching it and it is ruining the relationship and you want to work with him to fix the relationship but you will need his cooperation in finding a way to end his addiction to it.
Then, I'd try to get some direction from MB coaches.
Then, if he doesn't want help and to fix it and build a better connection to YOU, consider getting direction for yourself.

Internet porn is the gateway to all sorts of other activities and none of them are good for a romantic relationship, even a dating one, if you want a future together that ever really gets any where.

His wife jumped his ship.

It sounds like you two live together and you might consider how you would distance yourself if he isn't receptive to changing.

I would find a new boyfriend. Porn will destroy a romantic relationship. He has already proven that with his past. I wouldn't volunteer to be casuality #2.

This is absolutely correct. If he doesn't stop doing what is hurting you, then you need to take action and Melody's post has a great suggestion - get a new boyfriend.
Don't be a doormat!

"In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it." --Steve Harley in What is an Affair?

This is the time when you get to see what your potential spouse is like and make your own decision. Me? I would run from this one. My H was once heavily into porn, which led to masturbation,which led to a whole lot less SF between the two of US. Finally kicked it. If I knew going in this was a problem, I would bow out now.

He sounds addicted and it sounds like a very serious problem.

Why settle for this? You are seeing a man with a monster issue. You�re responsible for your own level of misery. There are other men in the world and many don�t look at porn or have it as an addiction. Find one with standards and don�t tolerate this behavior.

The greatest favor you can do him is say, �Your little hobby there is an addiction. I won�t be with someone that is that addicted. I value myself too much. This is a problem for you and you need to fix it if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. Me? I�m out of here. I don�t need this in my life.�

Nothing will wake him up more than the threat of you leaving.

But don�t be afraid to do so. Seriously, why put up with this crap? There�s tons of other men out there. The few redeeming qualities this one has are probably easily found with someone else, minus the addiction.

If you stay in this relationship, keep in mind these words: You are responsible for your own misery. You are the only one who can control how others treat you.

I only have a problem with porn if it is kept secret. My H and I watch porn together sometimes to spice up our sex life. I like it (I guess I'm one of a very few women that likes porn), BUT if my H watched things behind my back and tried to keep it secret, I would have a huge problem with that.

I think you should let your boyfriend know that you saw something on his computer that made you uncomfortable and see if he comes clean to you about what he is doing. If you guys can talk this out and come up with a compromise (i.e. you watch together, he tells you what he does, you tell him what you are okay with him doing, etc.), then I think it's okay. Just my opinion.

Thanks for all of the advice. I hear you all quite loud and clear. I have to try and find a way to talk to him about it without him thinking I am invading his privacy.

I have truly known he has some issues, but then we all do, right... recovery is a work in progress. I am a recovering over-eater (down 50 pounds and stable for 3 years). He is in recovery from alcoholism, but I think the porn is an issue here as well. He is a wonderful person, and treats me like a queen in so many ways. We get along famously. Never fight, lots of affection, etc... and he is so good to my kids. And he is the nicest kindest man I have ever met, really - I am not kidding. I really am not putting up with "crap" of any kind, but he does not know I know about the internet porn. This is why I am so confused over finding this secret behavior. It just does not fit him at all.... and I did think his wife probably could not stand it, and felt very very hurt by it, so she ignored him sexually which is what happens - right? So he started drinking to drown the pain and the guilt of it and then they eventually broke up. He has told me all of this, all of everything except the use of porn today on the internet. He has never drank around me. Maybe he thinks the porn is not hurting anyone, and I would have been none the wiser if I had not been such a snoop! I know we have to talk, but I just have to be patient and wait for the right time. It would be a shame to lose such a good man over this. Believe me I dated quite a bit after my divorce and there are not that many out there. He treated me like gold from day 1 and still does, except now I have discovered this "secret" side of him which hurts a little after being treated so well.

I would also not have a problem watching it together, which he should know if he really knows me, I would not mind that at all. But I think he is the shy one...

I�m really sorry to tell you this, but you sound like a person who has zero self esteem and is putting her needs above her children�s needs.

I would have very serious reservations over having a man who had massive problems with porn around my children, given the incidence of sexual abuse that takes place with non biological partners in children�s lives.

You�re looking over a massive red flag because you�re more afraid of being alone than you are with finding someone who is worth you and your time, energy, efforts, and emotions. Not only that, but you are not thinking about the kind of person you want to have as an example for your children.

Nobody is perfect, but an addiction to porn is not something to take lightly, which is exactly what you�re doing.

You�re not married to this man. You owe nothing to him and you owe everything to your children, but instead of putting them first, you�re putting this porn addicted man into their lives.

If you weren�t living together and you found this, you�d be able to break things off and end it without complications. As it is, though, you�ve been playing house and a split isn�t so easy.

Get rid of this man for your children�s sake. Get some therapy to work on your own self esteem and don�t introduce more drama into your children�s lives.

I sound harsh, but I very much wish I could see more women stop overlooking things in the men they date while hanging onto the na�ve notion that if they love them enough they�ll change. He�ll be a porn addict no matter how much you love him.

You�re worth more than that.

Well you are certainly entitled to you opinion, but as I stated this man treats my children as his own, and would do anything for them, and he also has his own two, away in college, and they are wonderful kids...and come here all the time... Also - I would never ever let anyone hurt my children. You don't think they wouldn't tell me if there were something amiss? You are assuming a whole lot. Also, I scored very well on self-esteem testing, not in the top, mind you, but better than the average. I was in a marriage for almost 30 years and I left that man because I was not going to take a lot of garbage. Believe me, I would not take anything from anybody. Also, my children are not little. 2 of 3 are gone and over 21, and the last one in high school Also, I do not believe it is healthy for children when the parents make their life evolve solely around their kids. I have far too many friends who have no life but their children, and the kids turn out to be spoiled rotten brats who even as adults, demand the moon from mom and dad. My job is to love them and make them independent so they can have a life of their own. And unless I am a happy mom, that can't be achieved. So, getting my needs met means I have to put me first. So, I can be there for them. Which is exactly why I divorced their dad in the first place.

Back to my issue, which was whether or not this constitutes infidelity - or cheating. And I think that has been answered here. In my mind it is a secret which will just not work for me. I will not take this lightly. Don't worry about that- we are going to have a long discussion about it, I am going to let him know I know, and what comes from that will be instrumental in my decision about whether or not we remain together. As I see it I cannot remain in this relationship if he continues to check out the porn sites.

Evidence says otherwise. His secret behavior fits him totally. He likes it. It suits him. It fits him.




Well, apparently he did not learn very much.
His behavior contributed to the downfall of his marriage.
Yet, here he is.
Still doing that behavior.



He has told you what he thought would work to keep you as his girlfriend.
Alcoholics know how to *spin* the truth so they look good.


Really?
So he drinks alone?



Maybe he knows (see X wife) and does not care if it hurt his former wife and/or his current girlfriend.



See, he KNOWS he needs to hide his behavior because he already KNOWS it is hurtful.
He's deceitful and secretive.
A couple of HUGE








A worse shame would be for you to lower your standards of acceptable behavior.
You are not that desperate, are you?




So what?
A cheating-with-porn-man is better than no man?
And, it's NOT really about the porn per se.
It is about the secrecy and his being OK with hurtful behavior.




If he finds out you know about the porn, he may make some pretty declarations about his abiding love for you.
None of his words matter if he continues to lead a secret life.


He may be shy.
But he is also lazy.

Men who look at porn are using images to get a feeling of MANLINESS without putting out any effort....

They (being lazy) tend not to do the work required by primary relationship to get the same sense of manliness. They go the lazy route.

Porn separates sexual behavior from love & intimacy.

His porn use likely will continue in private even if you sometimes view porn with him.

Please, do not make yourself so desperate for a man that you move your own values out of the way.

Take care.

Best Harley book for dating couples:


*** LINK *** to MB bookstore

The fact that you have to snoop with someone you date is a huge red flag in and of itself.

Seriously, your tolerance on this should be very low. If you need to "work" at it, then it's just not worth it.

I work at things with my wife. But it doesn't feel like work. It's self sustaining. I accept her as she is. Do I wish some minor things were different? Sure. But I'm sure she feels the same way.

Dealing with an addiction, however, isn't exactly a small thing. And a porn addiction is just flat out creepy.

Ok, so your kids are grown. Great. That still doesn't mean you should bring a porn addicted alcoholic into their lives.

And don't settle for Mr. Right Now. Wait for Mr. Right. Be picky, especially on destructive behavior issues.

Hey, so we had "the talk". He now knows where I stand on this issue. He admits he uses it and has a lot of his life, and he was of the belief that most men do. I have to agree, I think most men do myself. And I think society allows and encourages this kind of "boys will be boys" behaviour.

I told him that I felt hurt and felt that women feel "not good enough" when we see men are looking at other women in this way. I also told him it is very degrading and that I feel he is contributing to degrading these women by using it. I asked him if he ever had "on-line contact" with these women, he said no, but he said he knows some guys who have. He admitted it was not right to do it - nor fair to me. He has stated he will stop doing it and told me to check his history daily if I feel like it. He also gave me all his passwords. He admitted that he has been a fool in so many ways in his life, and bad habits are really hard ones to change but he is willing to work on it. He also belongs to a group of men who meet weekly regarding alcoholism, issues etc... he is going to bring it up there. They have talked about it before he told me. This has come up in the group meetings. So we shall see how this goes. I have to agree with him that people can do a lot of foolish things - and that does not mean we should write them off completely. The key is communication and the willingness to be a better person. I felt bad checking out his history, but he felt I should not feel that way knowing his past and the problems he has had. Also he said his ex and he were never very sexual at about the 5 year point of a 20-year-marriage. He would never cheat so he did find some sexual outlet using the porn. It is a bad habit that he has gotten into and he might need some help to curb it. As long as he is willing to do that, I will not have a problem with it because I would really rather he not view it at all. And I told him to me there is a big difference between viewing a pretty woman in a bikini, etc... and the explicit stuff on line, and he agreed completely. I hope it wasn't just lip service. So we shall see... will keep you posted and thanks for the advice once more.

Nine years after my marriage, I am still dealing with this crap. He has stopped several times, and has resumed. He is now in counseling because he replaced it with going to bars where the ladies are hanging out all over. He began diverting money from our joint account, so it now involves stealing, along with deception. He said the same things that your BF is saying, and I hope it's true in your case, mine just got better at hiding it. (New email accounts, even throwaway laptops).

Best of luck with this. It's hard to compete with all of it, leaving your self esteem intact. At this moment, I feel like he 'settled' for me. I know I will never live up to what he prefers to look at, and even though he says that has nothing to do with anything, it sure feels like second best over here.

You�re settling. You�re hopelessly na�ve for your age. You see his potential and not who he actually is.

He may be able to stop for a little while, but he�ll resume eventually. He�ll also use a feature on the browser called �in private� browsing which basically leaves no trace of where you�ve been.

If you�re dating someone you need to �check up on� then you need to end it. That alone is a huge red flag.

When you deal with this once more, because you catch him doing it again, then remember that you�ve been told, by people who deal with infidelity on a constant basis, that regression was coming.

And no, not all men resort to this. Not all men look at this stuff. Not all men use it so much that you find it all over their computers and phones and magazines.

But don�t take my word for it. Take the word of the previous poster, who has been dealing with this problem for a big chunk of her marriage.