I am 38 years old; my WS is 36 (recently turned) years old. We have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids; ages 6 (daughter), 11 (daughter), and 14 (son).
This is the first marriage for us both although I have an 18 year old daughter out of wedlock who is currently married and pregnant with our grandchild. My daughter has only known life with us married.

My WS is in an EA with an old high school boyfriend who was her first love at age 14 when he was 18. Her mother did not know about the age difference at first and then upon learning highly monitored their relationship for the 1 year they were together. My WS states they began dating again when she was 17 (for about 1 year again) but my mother in law doesn�t believe it was possible as she still highly monitored all of her relationships. They recently reconnected via phone through my mother-in-law. He called her house since her phone number hasn�t changed in the 19 years and asked how my WS is currently doing. My mother in law explained she is happily married with a loving husband and 3 kids. The conversation ended and then she passed his phone number along to my wife not thinking anything would come of it. My wife claimed at first she contemplated trashing the number but after mulling it over for 4 days (she claims she told me he called and was thinking about calling him) she finally returned his call. She says the phone conversation was only just catching up at first, but then realized she enjoyed his compliments and he made her feel good and she had not gotten that from me in some time (past 2 years). So, they continued their conversations for the next 6 weeks, talking 10 � 30 minutes here and there about every other day. I did notice some behavior changes, but nothing so pronounced that I was suspicious. She even told me she was talking on the phone with a former female co-worker and a few times she was even in the next room. She since has admitted she believed I was so blind that I wouldn�t catch on.
I discovered the EA on 8 April when she called me to explain she was going to meet this former co-worker because she was upset with her new marriage and was threatening to end her recently believed pregnancy and possibly her life. I got some �red flag� feelings but just blew them off as insecurities. Since I work in the direction she was heading toward, I went to the highway exit to await her so could flag her down, give her a hug and head home. She never made it to the exit and I began searching for her all over the area. I remembered she stated she was at a restaurant in a certain area and I found her vehicle at the hotel beside it. I checked with the hotel clerk for the co-worker and then awaited my WS to exit where I then confronted her and she denied. I took some photos (I always have a digital camera in my car; thank God) of the vehicles in the parking lot, making a few notes and I then went home (she went to work) and I began my snooping. I discovered the phone number she has been chatting with belonged to her former boyfriend and that one of the vehicles had a vanity plate with the same last name on it. I also noticed the vehicle was a truck and it was backed into the lot. I paid for the reverse look up for the name on the cell phone and I went to meet her after she got off work. As she left her building she was on the phone and I demanded her to put it on speaker phone and she hung up stating I�m paranoid. Throughout the night, we discussed it with her completely denying it and then when we went to bed at 2:30am she finally admitted the affair.

I have exposed the affair to my parents (immediately), her mother (about a week+ later) and a co-work/friend (just recently) and she has become FURIOUS. She now no longer sleeps in our bed and has removed her wedding ring. She claims she is past furious and in a place she may not recover from for our marriage/relationship, although she did admit there is a small glimmer of hope still in her heart. She says it will take time and a lot of work. Currently, it seems all is one sided, but I have changed my neglectful behavior, have been domestically helping around the house and have knocked out her honey-do list. I�ve also been trying to just relax and not smother her.

Any suggestions? Help?

If you caught them at a hotel, this is a PA (physical affair) not an EA (emotional affair).

Others will be along to help you very soon, you're in the right place.

Has all contact ended? Is the OM married?

We've discussed it and she claims all they did was discuss their horrible breakup from 19 years ago. She did say he tried to kiss her, but she held to the fact she is married and would not go any further. She has stuck to this story for the last 3+ weeks. Call me naive, but I do believe her. Plus, one of her close friends who she has dicussed this EA with wrote her a letter telling her she needed to pull her head out of her A$$ and in the letter her friend references that they only talked this time, but if she continues there may be a time when talking is not all they do. I spoke with her and she's angry my WW is doing this and says she believes my WW has no reason to lie to her about it and she also said my WW didn't hesitate in answering the question about whether she still loves me. She said, "Yes, I love him and I'm still in love with him". She just claims I've been withdrawn and not Emotionally Available for her for the last two years and she's afraid to give in to the fact I'm alert and she has my attention now. I just wish I could convince her.

She claims she told him on Monday, 25 April that I know and they have to stop talking and she hasn't spoke with him since. She continues to stick with this story.

Welcome to the BH's Club, the club that no-one wants to be a member of.

It looks like you're on the right track so far (which can be summarized as Expose->Plan A->Plan-B if necessary). If you're not sure what "Plan A" is, there are enough pointers in this forum and on this website that can be of assistance. I also suggest getting a copy of "Surviving An Affair", also available off of this site.

Concerning the OM, is he M'd or in a long-term relationship? If so, have you exposed his A to the OMW / OMGF? Your WW and the OM need to have no further contact, and the OM's spouse can be your best ally in that regard.

The OM is divorced with two kids and obviously on the prowl.

I won't make the obvious joke. SadDad, people don't go to hotels to discuss youthful dating breakups spanning from decades before.

Your WW has more than likely lied to her friend about the extent of the involvement because she knows her friend won't approve.

You sound like you've got a head on your shoulders. I'd suggest you do some snooping to get to the bottom of this.

Sad, ITA with marital.

I am a FWW. Please believe me when I (and others) tell you that waywards lie. I stuck to the same story with my H for FOUR MONTHS. I would only admit to an EA and denied the A had gone PA. I also did not discuss the A with any of my friends while it was going on (they would not have approved) and I also told them the same lies I told my H when the A was first revealed. There are others on here who have similar stories. It's called "trickle truth," and it's what WS's do. She would not be meeting him at a hotel if they were not in a PA.

Agree with mb and WPG. They did more than talk at that hotel, I am sorry to say, saddad. I would ask her to submit to a poly.

Have you verified independently that OM is indeed divorced? Because that is oftentimes a lie...

Why? You have a wife that went to a hotel room with a man that is not her husband. Why would you believe that they only talked, coulda done that through email.


The technical term for this is "hooey", which comes in bunches. need to think that the friend is covering for your wife because she's been busted and wants to minimize the damage.

Of course she's angry, they're ALWAYS angry after exposure, because you are interfering with her little fantasy. Exposing is to an affair what happens after dragging a vampire into sunlight - neither can stand the light of day.

It's also called 'fogtalk' and you're getting a lot of it and will continue to get a lot of it. WW's do this well. They also lie a lot. They are also great at shifting the blame for their affair to YOU, so get ready for that too.

Been there - listen to the advice you're getting. BTW - great job of snooping - keep it up. She's gone deeper underground, so you're going to have to get even better at it.

Well, I do believe I'm getting a lot of "fogtalk" but I'm just not sure what to do now. I've been doing a lot of cleaning, laundry, cooking and spending time with my kids. WS and I have been spending time together and everything seems good but then it's time for bed or I attempt to show affection and she shuts down. She says it is because she's "beyond furious" because I exposed the A to her mother and her friend. Before that we seemed to be moving on a path to recovery and had been having very passionate sex everynight. Now it is nothing but "roomate status".

Before I say much more....let me ask. Does your wife know you are posting here? Is she going to read our advice to you?

Mr. W

Not that I know of, I have talked about the MB site, but not about the forum specifically. She doesn't spend much time on the computer and hasn't for about a week. I don't believe she will troll through the forums as that has never been her.

FYI...

My wife and I are fully recovered from a short term affair my wife had with an old high school/college boyfriend 6 years ago.

Good...well keep it a secret for now.

You are FAR more likely to snoop out the truth about their relationship than otherwise. If you just lay low a few days as though you are buying your wife's story that they didn't have sex and they aren't speaking to each other all the while you are snooping your butt off you'll likely have your answers. The biggest mistake betrayed spouses make is relying on their extensive knowledge of how their wayward spouse USED to act. You can't trust her as she's not really your wife right now so all those instincts are out the window.

I suggest reading the snooping forum and most likely getting voice activated digital voice recorder(s) to try to record her conversations with either the OM or some girlfriend-in-the-know. Hide one in the car and one in the most likely place for her to have cell or house phone conversations privately in the house. Also watch out for the dreaded "affair phone" a secret cell phone they use to communicate on. If OM has any money he'll get her one.

Sure it's possible they didn't fool around but every wayward claims the same thing as they falsely believe that if you weren't actually in the room you can't prove it happened. I'd put the odds at about a 0.01% chance (1 in a 10,000) she's telling the truth. She'd have met him in a restaurant if she'd intended to tell him "I'm married and won't cheat".

Sorry you find yourself here but you're in the best place you can be. MB saved my wife and I and it can save you two as well.

Mr. W

Oh, I can forgive and we can move forward if I can get some commitment from her. I also believe there is some tit-for-tat since I had an EA 8 1/2 years ago. Mine only last for 3 weeks with NO PA and no contact upon wife's discovery. I was quick to come out of the "fog" since I realized I had gone down the wrong path with a co-worker. I immediately quit the job and tried to recover with the wife.

I'm sorry but she is lying about this. But don't take my word for it, arrange a polygraph and give her an opportunity to PROVE she is being truthful. I assure you this is not true.

Secondly, I would verify independently that he is divorced. Adulterers often lie about this. He might have lied to your wife and she might be lying to you. It is easy enough to check out. Call his house and see who is on the answering machine. You might be able to find out that way. Or do a search on intelius.com or people finder.com. If he is married, you will need to tell his wife and family.

I would also suggest paying this loser a personal visit in order to run him off. He is out to destroy your family and will succeed unless you put a stop to it.

Good suggestion!