I didn't say I haven't talked to him all day!!!

I'm not getting defensive, you are on the attack.

I needed time to PROCESS, I'm not intentionally trying to be mean, vengeful, etc It's more I'd like to have control of my thoughts and what I'd like to achieve than spew out everything. I've already contacted him quite a few times via texting today. I like to think about what I'm going to say to my husband because he takes everything quite literally and until he gets his security back he is still analyzing everything.

Great

You have felt up to sending him tacky text messages today, though. You're only driving the knife deeper, Grace. You could have very easily texted an apology instead.

It doesn't have to be a in-depth conversation. "My AO was wrong. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am dedicated to learning how to protect you." End of conversation.

Grace, it seems like you are quick to be defensive (see the quotes above) to people who are not trying to attack you or hurt you.

I have read your thread and I do know you are on board with MB, which I acknowledged when I wrote to you.

My point was, when your husband makes a DJ or an SD, he is requesting that an EN be met or an LB be stopped in an inappropriate way. You could learn to respond to this by asking him to reword it into a thoughtful request. When/if he does, you could then meet that thoughtful request right away or POJA it. You could ask him to reword it by saying, "It sounds like you want a need met but that felt like a DJ, could you reword it into a thoughtful request so I can better understand what you need?" My H did this to me (although not using MB terminology) and it really helped me get better at realizing when I was DJing. Before that, it would float out of my mouth before my brain realized what I was saying. When he did it in a way that seemed like he really wanted to know what I needed but in a respectful way, which I am sure was hard for him given my DJ, it was easy for me to respond with a better thought out and worded request. However, my need did not go away. So, if he would have responded to a request for affection by telling me he wasn't in the mood and no information about when he would be in the mood, it would often escalate anyway.





Got your points. There's no avoidance towards him, simply gathering my thoughts and going out with the children. There are more appropriate times than others and texting worked the best today.

No one is attacking you.


Text messages full of DJs do not count as "contacting" him.

It seems like you are the only one who gets say in how that conversation takes place. If your H wants it over the phone or in person and wants it sooner rather than waiting, you two need to POJA it. He gets input on how the conversation takes place, too. If it is a need for him, it is important to try to meet it.

Again this is not true. You see there are little people with little ears, my children. I can't always speak on the phone when they are around, so again that is not appropriate to have adult conversations in front of them. We get our best conversations when the kids are all put down for the night. POJA. We've already made a POJA to talk tonight. I'm not fighting with you, I'm trying to explain what is happening and circumstances. Your putting a lot of assumptions out there, like it "seems".

I think this is probably enough back and forth. I feel like I'm in eighth grade

Yes this was included in one of my text messages already

This is where I got the idea that you are choosing when the conversation occurs rather than POJAing.



I am not sure why you think this feels like eighth grade. I was taking time trying to help you and your H by pointing out behaviors that may not be consistent with MB or a happy marriage and you are trying to DJ me into shutting up. You could have just make a respectful request, ya know? It is not unusual for people to respond back and forth on this board. If I was out of line, others would have (or maybe still will) jumped in and told me so.

I can relate to how your H feels and have made similar mistakes as him in my marriage, so I thought I would try to share some perspective. You spend a lot of time focusing on specific wording and being defensive rather than trying to glean value from posts. I am not trying to hurt or offend you, I am trying to help. My effort is obviously not appreciated, so I will give up posting to you for now. I hope you have very productive conversations with Steve Harley.

Good luck and take care.

I do appreciate your input and please continue to share your experiences, especially if you see similarities. I'm going through a hard time right now and I'm EXTREMELY sensitive as to wording because my husband again takes everything very literally to heart. I feel very insecure myself about anything I'm going to have come out of my mouth and I'm even more insecure about any inch I give toward affection. Please note that I am sucking in all the good advice. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't like to hear opinions. Yes I'm quite a vocal person and probably a little more with you today, don't take offense. Maybe you were my sister in a former life.

If you look back in the last few pages, tgrace, you have told KT he was being sarcastic, asked Prisca to "come on, be fair", told me I was attacking you and told Penni that she has to read your whole thread, etc, basically as a way to write off our comments/advice because you don't like what we are telling you.

Please keep in mind that we, all four of us, have used the MB principles to improve our M and we stick around and try to help other posters implement the program because we believe in it. We don't try to stick it to new posters and attack them for the fun of it.

I hope that when you are less defensive and maybe have gotten more sleep you will go back and reconsider what has been written to you.

When he gets home, hug him, say you're sorry, and make an effort to have a great evening with him.

Haha, okay.

I have heard Dr. Harley say that this can be the most challenging time for couples, when they learn about MB and see their issues more clearly than ever, but haven't yet substantially improved them, or at least not on a consistent basis.

I am confident that if you and your H stay as committed to learning as you currently are, and especially if you speak to the Harley's, it is only uphill from here. I'm really hopeful for you two!

And use the words "I'm sorry." It will go a long way.

What do you plan on doing for your husband tomorrow?

I have heard the same thing. Your expectations are raised, but you do not yet have the skills.

tgrace - my wife and I have been exactly where you and your husband are right now (minus a kid). I've been trying and implementing Dr. Harley's principles for the last 9 months. My wife refuses to officially jump on board but that is slowly changing due to the positive changes I make in me that she sees and appreciates.

My biggest 2 love busters are AO and DJ. Hands down this are my top two. Reading and applying the principles is hard but my wife says she like the positive improvements.

Hang in there with Hilltopper. He needs a lot of help!

You know, none of us have the spare time to just want to sit around and pick on you or "smack you around". If you want help, then listen more and defend less. If you don't, just let us know so we don't waste our time.

I don't care if you think I'm sarcastic or not. I've/we've been where you are before and now have happy marriages. Apply the suggestions or stay unhappy until you two can't stand each other so much you divorce. It is what it is. It's up to you.

Today is a new day. Start fresh. Wipe the slate clean -- don't dwell on the mistakes of yesterday! -- and show your husband that you will care for him.


Read the entire article here.

That is a fantastic article, Prisca. Thanks for the reference.

Thank you

Yes those too would be my husband's biggest love busters. I'm definitely more aware of that now.