Mentioning her to your H is not making you more secure, it is making you LESS secure. It keeps you triggered and fuels the conflict in your marriage. This is another example of your emotions working against you in a negative reactionary approach.

If you want to feel more secure, you need a more strategic approach. Your approach is not working.

Just finished article. makes sense. it all does. You do. Just hard. Need to work really really hard on this.

S-K-A-N-K ===== SLAG

Is there a template for a plan of recovery?

yes, I read all the posts and I wish I good turn in to a domestic and sexual goddess and for all the anger to disappear - I really do. Everything you all say makes SO much sense. Very tough going to school every day, the school my H and I built up to be brilliant and is no longer ours, seeing OW with kids everyday, blah blah.

I really want to change my focus. I am desperate to have my happy family back. There are many levels and may be that's why I am finding it tough....I have to see her every take at school drop off for example....

But yes, with your help, I think I can change, I think I can focus forward. I don't really know where to start with a plan though....I have read the article. I read whatever is recommended to be honest as I want to feel better and start living again.

AEK, first of all, listen to Mel. She KNOWS what she is talking about.

Secondly, part of the problem also is that you are still seeing OW regularly. I can't stress enough how dangerous this is to your R. If I were you, I would do whatever I could to get the he-- out of dodge and move away from the OW ASAP.

I had to go into the hospital where my H's OW works about 6 mos ago (did not see her) but it triggered me and it was very very unhealthy. Even though I have pretty much recovered from my H's A, I was angry about it all over again and withdrew from my H for a couple of weeks.

But no matter what, you have to stop talking about her and the A. Dr Harley is adamant about this. It is an enemy of conversation and just depletes LB$ units.

MEL sounds completely amazing......I know all your advice is 100% right but i am scared I have pushed him too far. I will really try very very hard over the coming days and hopefully this will lift the dark cloud. I am desperate for this to work.My kids leave school in 40 days so then we will not see her but we will still live in the same town and we have some mutual friends in common too - should we ditch these people?

Agree 100% it just drains both of us. Should we avoid talking about the A all together?

Just a suggestion:

Begin a journal.
Try not to enter all your angry thoughts/feelings.

Instead, enter what you learn on a daily basis.

There are lessons everywhere at the stage you're in.

Pay attention.
Be mindful.

"Today I learned ....."

You will amaze yourself.

The article was about forgivenss....I have read this one. Is there one on creating a romantic relationship?

Yes, after it has been discussed and all of the BS's questions answered in the beginning of R, it needs to be dropped.

This is part of having a solid plan for recovery.

I want a solid plan for recovery and I am so grateful to you folk for helping me change my focus. I will work hard and will always appreciate your help and advice.

The first article that Mel posted for you involves your H taking EPs (extraordinary precautions) to avoid contact with OW, including a plan for what to do if he should happen to hear from her or bump into her (ie, end the contact immediately and let you know and take steps to avoid the same thing from happening into the future) and then EPs to avoid another affair, including no opposite sex friendships, no discussing personal problems with women, etc. This is a good time for me to say that part of your EP plan should include your H not going anywhere near the school or any other place he may bump into the OW.

That's the first phase of recovery. Do you think your H would be on board with that? It's important to get this step completed as soon as you can so that you can move forward...

Next, it is vital that you two start spending at least 20 hrs a week UA time together without the kids, doing things you both enjoy and meeting the top four ENs (conversation, affection, SF and recreation) so that you can fall back in love with each other.

Hang in there!

Susie is exactly right. The UA time will get you the biggest bang for your buck. Just be sure and make it very pleasant. STOP talking about the affair. Focus on the top 4 intimate emotional needs. Sit down and actually schedule this time out.

The second thing is to get the book Lovebusters and follow the program in there. Do the lessons together and STOP lovebusters NOW. Take the lovebusters questionaires so you will know where your biggest problem spots are. [you can get the questionaire free on this forum, but you can also get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love that has all the worksheets in it = they sell it cheap on this website]

In addition to Susie's excellent advice about taking extraordinary precautions to avoid the OW [even if you have to move] I would make arrangements for YOU to avoid her too. When you go to school and especially when you see her, you are triggered. Get someone else to take the kids to school. It will be inconvenient but it is preferable to being triggered every day when you see that slag.

You can start by completing the emotional needs questionnaire available in the "questionnaires" tab at the top of this website. Both you and your husband should complete separate forms and then discuss your answers.

I would also suggest that you read the book " His Needs Her Needs." My WH and I have found that book very helpful in creating a romantic loving relationship again.

I too thought my husband should beg, scrape, and grovel for my smallest bit of forgiveness .....

I hate to tell you but it wont happen while he is in the fog and still in withdrawl. I was very mad that Ihad to be the one that did all the work but one day the fog will lift and your husband will be back. He most likely will act then how you want him to now.

By that time for me, we were so much. "In love" again that I didn't need for him to do that. I was very supprised that I could feel that way but I did.

Trust the vets. They understand you are hurting and they have been there and done that and even though you are doing the work you are the one to reep the rewards also.

A good morning so far. No cross words or sarcastic comments.

Going for some NLP therapy - hope this will help.

Booked more counseling for next week; we will do this together.

Did the q'nnaire last night - very useful to get head straight. will discuss later once he has completed it.

AEK1,
My FWH and I are just 5 months in from D-Day, and it's still hard, BUT there are more good days in a week now than bad. I still get sad, and sometimes I'm angry about it, even as recently as last week, but each day I wake up, I tell myself that I will do all I can to be the best wife/person I can be that day. I still do often think of the affair, but I don't always bring it up anymore. H says the only time he ever thinks of OW is when I bring it up.

It takes great mental effort, especially while your H still harbors pleasant thoughts of OW. Maddening! But in our case, my H no longer thinks of her pleasantly at all, he says. She was standing ready to destroy our family and take away all we had built, and he sees that much more clearly now than at the beginning of recovery. Your H is likely still clinging to the fantasy.

Work out your recovery plan, starting with the Extraordinary Precautions. Then find out each other's emotional needs and start working daily to meet them. We worked through HNHN and Love Busters together.

It would drive me crazy to think of either of us ever seeing OW again; I would move move MOVE! Start over in a fresh place and make new memories for your family.