Hello everyone,

My husband of six years recently admitted to a affair that lasted on and off for about a year. He has know this other women since high school and was reunited about a little over a year ago thru a members only club that they are both a part of. We have 3 small boys together and have a pretty tight family unite. What I've discovered there plan A is that the couple part of us has withered. According to him our lack of sex and common interests are the reasons for the affair. Until the last year we would go sometimes months with out sex and date night was unheard of. Now, if it was just the affair I would still be devastated but here is where the hard part comes into plan.

The affair started in May officially ended in Aug. and the had 2 slip ups one in Nov. and the other one this past April during which the other women gave my husband and STD which was then passed to me. My husband feels guilty about both the affair and STD and has ended the affair and left the club that he's been a member of longer than I've known him. He is doing everything he should be doing. He's become transparent, accounts for all of his whereabouts, showers me with attention, started marriage counseling, etc.

I don't know what to do? I feel hurt and betrayed by the affair. I feel angry and disgusted by the std. And I feel stupid and weak for staying.

My heart tells me to work it out and save our family but my brain tells me to run. Please help me!

Common feelings for us BS's. It gets better with time. Keep in mind it can and will take years.
Has your WH given you Extreme Precautions (EP's)? If not I would go back and start there. This will help.
Have you read Surviving an Affair? Love Busters? His Needs Her Needs? Has he read them?

Welcome, 3boys. I'm sorry to hear this sad news about your husband and an affair that has caused these medical repercussions for you.

First order of business has already been suggested to you: Get Surviving an Affair (click on the bookstore link on this site for details on the book.) This will be a critical handbook for your recovery.

Who knows about the affair? Is the OW married? If so, her husband needs to know what his WW is up to so he can protect himself from her. You can align yourself with him so both of you can keep an eye on the two of them.

You WH needs to have no contact with this woman, for life. It sounds like his idea of NC is to occasionally hook up, and that won't work. You would think the fact that she gave him a sexually transmitted disease (which he passed on to you ) would be enough to stop the A. But don't bank on that. You need to do some serious snooping to ensure NC.

Don't take his word for it that this A is over. Waywards are known liars. What were their avenues of contact? Cell phone? Computer? I undertand that there was a social club that he has since left, but you can be sure that they weren't just bumping into each other there and then having sex by coincidence. How were they communicating?

Have you done any snooping?

3boys4me,
I know how you feel. I suggest you go on observing his actions for more days before ending up with a decision. Do this for your children.

3b4m, I am only repeating your words to you -

My husband feels guilty about both the affair and STD and has ended the affair and left the club that he's been a member of longer than I've known him. He is doing everything he should be doing. He's become transparent, accounts for all of his whereabouts, showers me with attention, started marriage counseling

In short, based on your reports, your WH is showing himself to be a showroom model of what dozens of BS's would pray for in their repentent WS.

Now let's work on you.........

You have the opportunity to rise above the beytrayal and create a better marriage than you've ever had. It will require you to eventually overcome the feelings of anger and disgust (at him), stupidity and weakness (at yourself).

It will not be easy.

But......would you see your life in five(?) years with him, recovered and raising your family, as better than the future without him, either raising your family in a shared custody arrangement, or with him out of the picture altogether?

This is the basis of the famous NG-exhortation: "Keep you eyes on the prize!"

Once you make that decision, if it is for the former option, we can help you get to your promised land. 90% of us here made the decision you face, in favor of staying with our spouses.