Trying to be positive and think of future. Have done EN q'nnaire but WH hasn't yet... I guess I can't force him.
How can one be jolly and friendly when you are disturbed by their actions. I can see being rude about her and angry with him will not save the marriage but how can you be fun to be with and a happy soul if your soul has been destroyed?
How do I get him to talk through EN and LB q'nnaires... I don't want to come across as a nag....

AEK1 - you can't nag - it's not very attractive. You need to try and compartmentalize your approach. Be nice and pleasant in front of WH - then come here to vent or vent to a trusted friend! Do not, I repeat do not, blow up in front of him. It'll only justify the A in his mind and/or his feelings about you. It doesn't sound like you're at a place to do the questionaires IMVHO.

THANK YOU - I AM NEW TO THIS!

when do you know if you are in the 'right place?'

AEK1,

I had the same question when I first blundered into MB, "why should I plan A a Wife who does NOT deserve it?".

The conclusion I came to at that time was that it was a no lose proposition for ME.

If my Wife kept being mean, I was still improved.

If my Wife kept being unhappy, I was still improved.

If my Wife divorced me, I was still improved.

If I kept doing what I was doing, there was no hope of US improving as we were stuck in the misery of mutual blame.

This didn't mean I had to avoid telling my W the truth of how I feel, in fact telling the truth without hate or contempt allows the other partner to understand.

God Bless
Gamma

For me it was the realization that my WH is human and made a series of bad decisions that caused him to become addicted to getting his emotional needs met by the POSOW. Basically, he was an addict that needed help.

It is similar to someone who has a drink of alcohol, decides they like to drink alcohol, then develops a drinking problem, then becomes an alcoholic, and then gambles losing everything just to go on drinking. That person didn't just suddenly decide one day that they would give up everything for a drink, they just made a series of bad decisions that led them to an addiction they couldn't control. An alcoholic needs help and support from their family until they can overcome the addiction and become the person they used to be before they made that horrible first decision to have that first drink.

Think of your husband as an addict that is currently in rehab. He was addicted to getting his needs met by the POSOW and now those needs are going unmet. He is not going to recover from the addiction if you love bust him (even though he deserves it!!!). On the other hand, if you work to avoid love busters and meet his needs, he will get through the withdrawal sooner and become the man you married again. Your behavior can either help him overcome the addiction sooner or cause him to remain in withdrawal longer.

If he won't complete the emotional needs questionaire, then you can work to meet the needs most men rate as their highest needs...sexual fulfillment, admiration, recreational companionship, and having an attractive spouse. Once the addiction is no longer an issue, he will be more interested in completing the questionairre and meeting your needs.

Also, for me, it helped knowing that Dr. Harvey thinks that we are ALL prone to affairs and we would ALL cheat if we don't take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair. As a result, I too could have had an affair if I had the opportunity and didn't guard my boundaries. If I had had an affair, I would have appreciated my husband's support in recovering from the addiction.

I'm not excusing wayward behavior. I'm just saying that it helped me avoid love busters when I thought of my WH as a person that was very sick and needed my help. Does that make sense?