I found out about OW by accident on March 6th. Since then, I've done good things and bad things regarding my dealing with H and his A. I did the crying, anger, love busters thing before I found any information. I feel like just now I have my wits about me to begin a healing/recovery process. I hope my M is not too far gone.

Here is my sitch.

Me: 49
H: 50
DD: 19
DS: 15
M: 23
T: 28
Discovered PA: 3/6/11.

H says he is not going to stop seeing OW. That it is "too late." I've informed family and best friends. They are all quite shocked and furious at H. Every single one has said "of all the marriages"....

I have little doubt H is in MLC because it truly is like he is a different person inhabited by aliens.

I've reacted personally very positively. Lost weight, exercising, got on ADs and actually feel better than I have in years from a physical standpoint.

Now to try and save any sort of hope for my M.

At first we were going to co-parent and raise son. Well that didn't work because I just had to draw a boundary of not having this affair in my face all the time. We are now talking about separating and him moving out.

He says he wants to make this easier on everyone and as far a finances is willing to take care of me and the kids. Says he doesn't hate me, that he still cares due to our long history together, but is just done.

Does anyone see any hope here?

Sorry you are here. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Can you tell us some more about the OW? Who is she? Is she married? Do they work together?

Have your kids all been told about the OW?

And I agree he is having a "crisis," he is having an affair. But unless he is living to 100 it is just a garden variety adulterous affair that is the same whether he is 25 or 75.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Riki.

Yes, there may be hope for saving your M. Can you answer some questions, please?

Who is OW? Does she work with your WH? Is she married?

Do your children know what their father is up to? How long has this affair been going on?

OW is someone he met on a website for married people to have affairs. She lives in a different city and is very different than I. Same age. She is married, but supposedly to abusive husband which I don't believe actually.

Yes the children know and are furious. He claims A has been going on since November. He has gone to IC twice. Mostly to discuss separation. He says he is emotionally gone from me.

He claims it was just to have some harmless fun to flirt and then he fell in "love." His best friend is furious, his brother, his sister....he does not form nor maintain emotional relationships well overall. That is why so many are supporting me and not him even within his own family.

Hi there,
Remember your husband is in affair fog, he is not thinking straight right now.....
I think you have to read all you can on this site and listen to a plan that Melody Lane and MaritalBliss are going to give you to save your marriage.
It is possible especially with the circumstances of the OW, I would the husband and let him know.
Exposure is key, with all family, children, workplace, OW's friends and family as well.
In the meantime be the wonderful woman he married, give him a reason to rethink his choices.......
right now he is living a fantasy, when reality hits that square in the face he should wake up..........
He will realize that a fantasy life isn't worth giving up the life he has now.......he is just so fogged out right now.......he can't think any different......don't believe what he says..........
Think about where he met this woman, do you think people on this kind of site are really looking to get out of where they are, or are they looking for a little fun on the side.........
Your husband may have been duped by the OW and her reasons for being there.
I think you will see when you get he husband on board that things will change, she will dump your husband in a heart beat.........
hang in there, follow the advice from the vets, I'm not one of them yet.....and I say you probably have a good shot of saving your marriage........

Okay, you've got some good things to work with here, Riki. It's great that his family is supporting you!

You need to find out the name of this OW's husband and get in contact with him to let him know what his WW is up to. Can you locate him? How much do you know about OW? Have you snooped through WH's emails, cell phone, etc, to get info on her? You'll need to do this. The chance is very good that her husband will be your best ally. Oh, and by the way - you can pretty much figure that "abuse" thing is a lie. Many OW claim that their H is 'abusive' - it makes them look sympathetic to a WH and helps to 'legitimize' their actions. Waywards are notorious liars. It comes with the turf. Your WH has probably told some whoppers about you and your marriage, as well.

When my H was in his affair, his affair partner thought we were headed for divorce. HA! Pretty funny - I didn't know a thing about that. All I ever heard was how much he loved me.

You need to do some industrial-grade snooping to get info on this woman and her husband. Since this is an internet affair, I would suggest you slap a keylogger on his computer to access the info. Do you have access to cell phone records? This may get you her cell phone number, and better yet, her land line. That will get you one step closer to her husband.

Do they communicate on Facebook?

I hope it goes without saying that your WH can't know that you are snooping. Keep cool and do this quietly. Don't mention anything to him about the Marriage Builders site, either.

I'm sorry if it sounds overwhelming, Riki. Read this through a few times until it sounds comfortable to you. Others will have some other tips for you, as well, but this will get you started.

Please, click the "carrot/stick" link in my sig line.
Part of "Plan A" is to secure financial protection.
Adulterers are liars.
He will say he will do right by you, and screw you over financially.
If he is spending $1.00 on his OW, he is screwing the family financially.

Remove all the $$$ you can for safe keeping.
Speak to a family law attorney to find out what your rights are in your state.



Sure.
Follow Plan A.
Prepare for Plan B.

How are you doing personally?
Sleeping?
Eating?
Exercising?
Crying?
Yelling?

Plan A is emotionally draining.
Which is why there is a time limit.
Which is why we ask you how you're doing.
Which is why self care is a part of Plan A.
It's near impossible to do strategic planning when you can't remember how to breathe.
You may need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meeds if your physician agrees.

Have you been tested for STDS?

Have you contacted her husband? Can you find a facebook page for her? The best way to save your marriage is to run her off. Find out about her and expose to her husband and family. Another thing you can do is ask your MIL to call her and tell her there is no future for her in your family because she will be eternally hated by your children and inlaws.

Causing as much trouble as possible in the affair will ruin it. Affair thrive on secrecy and fantasy so bringing it out into the open is ruinous.

As far as being "co-parents" I would tell your H that you will NOT be his friend and will NOT "co-parent" with him if this goes to divorce. See, you have to understand WHY he wants this. He does not give a rip about your children, what he really wants is for you to be his "friend" while he destroys your marriage for his own selfish interests. He will use the kids to persuade you to be nice about it.

There is no hope for your marriage while the affair is still active.
The best chance for your M is to destroy the affair.

This is something I have become near fanatical about....

He wants you to make it easy for him to destroy you.

Riki, I would take a 2 prong approach here if you want to save this marriage.

1. expose the affair to the OW's side of the family

2. make plans to file for separation/divorce and ask him to move out - file on grounds of adultery

3. go into Plan B, which is a complete and total separation where you cut off all contact with him unless and until he ends his affair and commits to the marriage

The reasons for #2 are two-fold. You need to get him moved out very soon before his abuse begins to affect your mental and physical health. Women can only take about 3 to 4 weeks of this kind of abuse and then they start falling apart. When this happens, the marriage really is over. Dr Harley recommends that women Plan A only for 3 to 4 weeks.

The second reason for filing for sep/divorce is to protect you financially. Once he gets out, all bets are off and he can be expected to play games with money. The reason we suggest filing for grounds on adultery is so that the OW will be subpeonaed into court to give testimony under oath about her adultery. You want that to happen.

Once you file for divorce and go into Plan B, you will want to drag it out for TWO YEARS. Most affairs don't last that long. Hopefully the affair will end before then and you can drop the divorce. But in the meantime, you will have legal protection.

You can't lose by filing for divorce. If your H does end his affair you can drop the divorce. If he doesn't then you will end up divorced and will be better off.

Plan B needs a well written letter.
Melody can help you write it.

Did a background check on her. She removed her facebook (was his friend) but not before I copied and printed all that I could. I did find where she and her H had garnished wages so I have a lead on where he works. I'm calling today there. I may have their address, but the phone number I have is registered in her name and I don't know if it is a land line or cell phone.

I'm doing pretty good actually. Began running, losing weight, new hair, mani/pedi signed up for 3 5K runs so yes, digging into work, got on ADs right away because I was not eating and was throwing up all the time due to the anxiety. I asked him to move out, he is dragging his feet. We are negotiating separation finances now and basically he is offering for me to put him on an allowance. Like he almost wants me to protect him from making mistakes or whatever.

Still wants family dinners on Sundays, kids birthdays all together, etc. etc. I don't know how to handle that. I'm pushing for legal separation just for the protection. It actually behooves me to wait since his job is getting reevaluated and he will more than likely get a large raise.

She has gone on three trips with him, I don't know how she can hold two jobs (according to WS) and have that much time off. 12 days in last three months that I'm aware of.

I wonder if she isn't some gold-digger that takes advantage of men and her husband knows it.

Yes, I got tested for STDs. All negative.

Riki, in addition to exposing to her husband, I would send a private message to her facebook friends. Good for you for saving the names! If she has mucho fb friends, then prioritize them with parents first, family and then married friends. Send them a private message spacing them out one minute apart so facebook does not shut you down for flooding. Before you do, change your profile to a pic of you and your H. Put up a bunch of family photos that everyone can see so these targets can see your page.

You want to do all this TODAY - along with any other exposures - so it hits them like a tsunami. You don't want to give them a chance to regroup. You want to take out the affair. So if there are any other exposure targets on your side, do them today. You want to encourage your children and family to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair. If they can call him today, that would be great. The goal is to cause holy hell in the affair TODAY.

Here is a sample letter we have used:

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

In your facebook letter, tell them that the OW trolls for men on the married cheater website. Tell them as much as you can while keeping the letter short and sweet. And be sure and SIGN YOUR NAME and give your email address.

You will get crapwits who will chastise you for doing this, but their opinion does not matter anyway. You will get lots of support too.

When your H finds out he will be FURIOUS. That is ok!! The madder the better you hit the target. Just tell him "I am so sorry you are upset but I felt it necessary to spread the good news!"

What does that skank do for a living?

Supposedly an office manager in a financial company and since she doesn't like to go home at night, she works in a restaurant. My DH has a professional level job.