Hi, I am new to this forum and looking for some good and friendly advice, perhaps realistic too. My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 years and together for 10. Prior to marrying, our relationship was always a long distance relationship, with a couple of states between us. We have very similar interests but come from very different financial backgrounds. When we married, I left a great job and relocated to where he lived because it was the best long term decision for us and he was able to work in the family business that he loves.
It has been a really rocky road, for several reasons and I was very depressed after we married, although I didn't realize it at the time. From my husband's perspective, we were married, we owned a home that had little owed on it, we were close to his family and he was doing the work that he loved to do. I SHOULD have been very happy. From my perspective, the relationship between my mother-in-law and I had deteriorated, I had moved to a place where all I had was my husband, no other friends, and I had taken a job I really didn't like because I didn't want my husband (or his family) to feel like I was a "mooch" and didn't bring anything or financial stability to the relationship. The move was about 200 miles further away from my family than I had been in the past, which stressed me out because my family is older, not in great health, and I am their only child. I felt that I had made a lot of compromises and I didn't think that my husband respected or recognized this, and I felt very alone. I didn't feel very appreciated and couldn't see what stress my husband may have had going on.
He's never been a touchy feely sort of guy and discussion of issues between us never really got to the "heart" of the issues. He feels that I don't respect what he had to say, and I felt that he wouldn't listen and I would get very angry and blame him or his family for my misery. He grew resentful of the situation silently, and I was just mad all the time. I am a workaholic, and had the opportunity to spend more time working than at home where I didn't feel loved. I come from some history of verbal/emotional/physical abuse, and seeking counseling to deal with the issues within the marriage and personally wasn't something I thought he would be supportive of. Actually, I believed he would see it as a flaw or a character weakness and was very afraid his family would feel the same way. I became more and more depressed, and even began comtemplating the best "permanent" solution to the relationship so that he would not have to deal with me any longer. Really, we were both miserable.
While there are other extenuating circumstances that have taken us to the point of seperation, that is the point that we have been at for a while now and my husband is interested in a divorce. A year ago, I would have been on board with the idea of divorce because I was convinced that he didn't have any interest in being with me at all. But within the past 12 months, he suprised me by telling me he was "trying" to work on things and I just didn't see it. It's hard to see that someone is working on fixing a relationship when you are stressed, depressed, and seperated and living in a constant state of sadness and anxiety. Every time I was around him, I spent my time trying to figure out why he didn't want to be with me rather than recognizing that he DID want to be with me. He's a very quiet, introverted person and can be difficult to figure out.
In the past 2 months, and with his support, I have sought out counseling to deal with the depression and that has been a great thing. My husband is the kind of guy that avoids conflict at all costs and he's the kind of person that everyone loves. However, even his sister and mom will say that he can be the most difficult person to live with. He's not completely innocent at all when it comes to where our marriage is at currently, but I didn't get on here to share stories of disappointment.
Since I have sought out professional help, the conversations between my husband and I have improved greatly (as long as he is in a good mood when we talk). He admits he still loves me, has feelings for me, doesn't want to be with anyone else, and he has said that he forgives me for my reactions. He has even said that he isn't certain that divorce is the right answer, that it could be a mistake, but it's the decision he wants to follow and he doesn't want to be in limbo anymore. As I mentioned before, our issues don't center on financial or infidelity problems at all. Despite not having "intimacy" in 3 plus years, I know neither of us are searching elsewhere and I trust him. No- he doesn't have homosexual tendencies (my friends already asked this because this seems odd). We don't have children. Our issues deal with emotional hurt and his disbelief in our relationship or in my ability to change. He has no desire to change, and I don't know that I feel that he needs to. As I mentioned, our communication about relationship things is better now than it was when we first married (more open, honest, less of the "I don't want to talk about that").
He tells me that a divorce is "best for both of us" and that I will be able to find someone who makes me happier. I truly believe that he has personal self esteem issues, but he wouldn't admit to this because he just doesn't talk to ANYONE about personal stuff. His job is stressful, and I think he has reached a point in life where he wants to get rid of stress and sees me as the most dispendable thing (since he works for family, and there are issues with his mother and I getting along).
I want to be married to my husband and I love him. The fighting we have been through, frequently over family issues, is something that doesn't matter to me anymore. I can see that he loves me and the rest is so insignificant to me in comparison. I love his family, but I am not used to a family that is so involved with one another because I didn't grow up that way. I thought everythng that they said to me was meant as criticism, but that's not always correct. I was reacting the way my family taught me was normal, and it's something that I can now see is truly correctable with regards to our relationship. I didn't put our relationship above all other factors in the past, but I "can see the forest for the trees" at this juncture and realize that being with someone that I love is the most satisfying thing in life.
Does anyone have any suggestions that I could pursue to help repair this and help my husband see that I want to move forward? I would like to help him see that where I am coming from isn't just "words"- it's purely from my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life being his supporter and partner.
