My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 20. We have two daugthers, 13 and 9. About 3 years ago we were having some problems and I moved out for about 3 weeks. During this time I had an affair with a coworker that lasted a couple of weeks. My problems were mostly caused my own doing. I told my wife everything and she took me back.
About two years ago I found out my wife had been talking all of the time on the phone with the husband of a couple we were friends with. I confronted them and they said they were just friends and they were able to discuss each others problems. I know he likes to talk for hours on the phone (and is more like a girlfriend) and talks with several other women like that. I meant mention, neither of them work, but his wife does as do I.
I found out last week that they have been having an affair for almost two years. She seems to think they were in love. He has now turned on her 100% and makes it look like she was more of the agressor, but I know he is a lying sack of sh*t. He has really thrown her under the bus. This is a personality disorder he has and he has ruined most relationships he has ever had...it is either love or hate.
I have dealt with her being emotionally not all there for me the last two years and I really want to make this work. I have been faithful for the three years since i did this, and that was the only time. I regret what I did everyday.
My problem is this...i am smothering her right now and I don't know how to not do that. I keep checking the phone records to see if she is texting him and if so I ask to see them. She has shown me all but one, and he is rarely replying and when he does he is kind of hateful to her. I have also talked to him on the phone a couple of times and he is trying to make it sound like he was in it for the sex and because she pumped his ego...and yes I am ready to do some major physical harm to him...and he worries about that because he is not real big and physical, and I am about 6'3" and 260 lbs...he has apparently always been afraid of me. But what I am doing when I talk to him is just trying to get some information...and they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
All of this came about 7 days ago. He is supposedly going to try and work things out with his wife, but my wife says she needs to get over this before we can work on "us". I know she feels betrayed and is pissed that she got duped. Everyone that meets him thinks he is an ******. I am trying to not smother her the last few days, but it has been hard. She said she would not ever go back to him because she could not trust him...plus he is pretty vindictive. I tell her they lived in a fantasy world every day...neither of them worked, did not have any worries when they were together, etc. Maybe that is why they never really concocted a plan for their future together.
I know I have neglected alot of my wifes needs emotionally the last three years being caught up in my own problems.
What do I do now? I am still at home, she still says I love you like before...but when I go to work I start to worry and keep going online and checking the phone records for texts, and texting her constantly...she tells me to quit and I can't. I gave my phone to a coworker today and have not checked the phone records. She told me she will tell me if she contacts him...she has been more than honest since this all came out (more details than I needed to hear). She has also been an honest person for the 20 years we have been together and gets furious with people who lie.
I am reading the book Her Needs, His Needs now, and I can see that the emotional needs that I thought that were important are not the same as hers...which according to the book is the case with most marriages...and can be fixed pretty easy.
She says there is no way they would ever be together again, but she is looking for closure and I think she is furious that he turned on her. Might also say that he has had an obsession for her since we met about three years ago, and I think he regards her as an object.
By the way, our kids are also frenns and go to school together.
And by the way, if I do see him, which I probably will because our kids go to school together...I want to tear him limb from limb but hopefully I wonlt.
Looking for advice.
Thanks
