Yes, I want to do some work. Does that mean drive all over the place looking for him? Like I'm stalking him. will he get mad? should i care, i'ts hard to be covert in a Suburban.

Can you try checking your credit cards first to see if you can narrow the search. Hopefully he is leaving a trail.

How many hotels would you have to check to find him?

It takes a day or two for charges to post. i'd have to drive all over a good sized town. 10-20 hotels. then, what? sit there, ask what room he's in at the front desk.

he did this one other time, and i would check that hotel first, but other than that i don't know.

I know it's not easy, Saphire. I sent my sister here a couple of years ago and it was VERY hard for her to get evidence of the A. She tried following him from work and kept losing him and finally installed a GPS. She staked out the house where she saw his car with a camera for hours. Based from that she was able to get the info on OW. If it was me, no question, I woudl at least try...

Just for the record, if you don't want to do that, there were many other suggestions on this thread, all of which you could do tonight ~ keylogger, go to the store and get your GPS and VAR.

Anything would be better than nothing.

I drove about half way to the city where he might be and then turned around. I kept thinking of all the variables. I drive all over looking at all these hotels and then wouldn't be able to find the hotel. I'd have to ask for his room number (which probably wouldn't be that big of a deal). And what if he was in the room, but the deadbolt lock engaged. then what.

Or, say by the time i got there, the ow could have already left and gone home. I started driving about 9:40.

Oh, btw, he sent me another txt at 9:04 saying, "sweet dreams." that's it. Ow must have been in the bathroom.

The issue I face now and I really ask for strong advice is, how do i treat this event tomorrow when he comes home? we were supposed to go away for the weekend, just us two and have some fun together.

So far, i haven't replied to either of his txts and i don't plan on replying to any that he sends me tomorrow. In fact if he calls me, i'm thinking of pressing the hang up button and sending him straight to voice mail. But, who knows, maybe he won't call or txt me tomorrow. Maybe he'll come home or call back and say he needs more time away.

But, if I do all that and he comes home and wants to act like everything is fine, then what?

EITHER WAY I HATE HIM!!!!!!!

Susie, you mentioned Plan A. No, I haven't and I don't know where to start. Can you advise me on this. I've read the threads on Plan A, and I felt they were a bit vague.

I posted a link to the Carrot & the Stick a little while ago. There is also a What is Plan A & Plan B article in the Q&A Surviving an Affair section if you look along the top of the page.

Also if you go to the Notable Threads section, there is a Newly Betrayed Spouse thread with a lot of good tips, look for the Dos and Don'ts of Plan A by Mr Wondering.

I would go find it for you but I need to get to bed! If you don't find it, let me know and I will help you tomorrow.

btw, did you go get your GPS/VAR?????

It's 7:00am. I am tired. I woke up around 2am, got up, wrestled with myself for a couple of hours and headed out to find the hotel. I thought i knew which one, but his truck wasn't at any of the ones i thought.

I got back home at 4:45. tried to sleep more. I did get that other txt from him at 9pm saying sweet dreams, but i've heard nothing else.

i don't know what to expect at this point. i guess he has to come home sometime, but then what. i don't know. I have not replied to either of his txts. and I thought i would keep doing that, but i'm not sure i should. Opinions?

I don't know when plan a would start. today? when i finally get some evidence? if that is even possible at this point. do i have to know who the ow is, or just as long as i have something? Then, what are the boundaries that are talked about. i feel lost.

I feel like i've been doing plan a somewhat, as i've tried to change my ways, be more loving, i'm trying to improve myself, but being a stay at home mom makes it hard. trying to make new friends, that's really hard. i am alone a lot. i've not wanted to get a job because i want to be availabe to daughter before and after school. plus, if i get a job, it further drives it home that i won't be relocating with h to new job location.

Now i wish i had responded to his "sweet dreams" txt. I haven't heard anything since then. Maybe he is addicated to his gf, but I am deffinately addicted to him and i wish i could cure that now.

He's probably thinking about me, but in what way who knows. We were supposed to go away this weekend, but now i have no idea what is going to happen today.

i wish i would have repsonded to his txt. but, would it have made a difference. i really need a life, this is so rediculous.

I think you should go seek help from your medical practitioner.
You are too anxious/depressed to formulate and work a plan.
You are too confused/tired/in pain to protect yourself.
Get medical treatment.
If you already have, go back. It's not helping. You need more.

I'll second Pepperband. I'm new into this too and THE BEST thing I've done for myself is to get anti-anxiety medication to get my head as straight as it can be during this most difficult time.

If you had gotten there, collecting evidence (snapshots of the car, for example) would have been very useful. Confrontation might not have been useful at all, actually. But evidence is very useful.

It will still be useful even now to check those charges in a couple of days. You'll know what hotel he went to, and he'll be likely to go back there again.

Get the GPS and install it. Act!

Markos, you are right, a confrontation probably wouldn't have been good. My H is quite cunning. I don't believe he'll stay the same place twice. But, He told me he was staying at a hotel, this morning I also wondered if maybe he bought a hotel room but actually stayed at ow home/house/apartment?

Sorry, i tend to see every possibility.

Pepper. You are right. I sound nuts. I feel nuts too, sometimes. but, I have been venting my mind chatter. I am sorry. I did try paxil for awhile, but it made my head feel like it was going to explode. I called and asked for prozac today. i took that in the past for post partum depression with good results, so hopefully they will let me take that.

I am so surprised at my swinging moods. At times, I feel like i've come so far and grown so strong and ready to take whatever H throws at me. Then, BAM throw last night and this morning at me and it seems like i've slid all the way to the bottom.

I don't think Pepper was recommending that you get on ADs because you sound nuts but rather because of your inability to put together and follow a plan.

And, Saphire, I didn't recommend Plan A because I think you need more self-improvment but because I don't think you understand that the carrot (meeting ENs etc) won't work without the "stick" (consequences and reality into the affair for your H) and just that having an overall plan will help get you through day to day interactions with your H.

I can't emphasize enough how just having a plan important is for your mindset. I had hand written notes and I had all the links I recommended to you earlier bookmarked ~ I had to read these things basically daily to keep my head on straight.

I never said "nuts".
I said depression/anxiety.

Nuts is completely different.

When your brain is exposed to repeated fight or flight response situations, your neurotransmitters become off kilter.

Your neurotransmitters need some help.
That's not "nuts".
It's chemical.

Are you sleeping?
Eating?
How much crying are you doing?

Who is your most important (in real life & physically available) support person?

Hi all. Pepper. I am sleeping. I am losing weight. Not crying much as i get dry mouth after a crying binge. Plus, i don't really feel like crying. I got some new meds last week, hopefully that will help.

Last Friday, I sat down and made of list of how i was going to react to my H. It has helped, but I still feel like a carpet. He came home Friday, and acted like nothing happened the night before. I didn't say anything about it. We went out of town and had an ok time. I think he was txting th ow all day saturday. He had his phone with him the whole time in his pocket.

We are not talking about anything..just small talk and chit chat., i get so tired of the charade. There's nothing to talk about. We used to talk about all the things we needed to do, or was going to do. Now...nothing.

Anyway, i am so sad. Saturday, an overwhelming sense of doom hit me right after breakfast. Like we're not going to make it. I don't know if that's me or something else. I ignored it and it eventually went away. Does that happen to anyway else?

I just don't know if I should be saying anything about the relocation. It drives me crazy. Either He's planning on moving without me or hoping something will change. He makes sure he has me, then i shut my mouth and don't say a word about all the deceptive crap he's doing. He knows I strongly suspect, and yet I do nothing. It makes me feel week.

I know I need to be stronger, I'm getting closer to unfolding all i know, i just need a bit more. i think i've got quite a bit already, but i dont' know how much more i can get. But, even so, i wouldn't be surprised if he denied all that.

The marriage is on the rocks.
That's not any fault of yours.
The marriage might not "make it".
Time will tell.

In the meanwhile ....
Please, make your health your priority right now.
OK?

Let us know when you feel the medication "kick in".
Until then, I don't think you should try to do too much, except remain calm, and take excellent care of yourself.

I think you will know when you are getting better when the overwhelming sadness becomes a bit of angry.

I don't like this activity.
It is only REactive.

May I suggest a few different lists?


1. Ways you are going to be good to yourself.
2. Wonderful qualities you possess.
3. Things you are grateful for each day.
4. A "I am certain" list.
Example:
"I am certain I will leave a marriage based on lies."
"I am certain I deserve a loving and faithful husband."
Etc ....

Thanks Pep.

Yes, i've some some days when the sadness turns to anger. But, the mood eventually plummets. Usually by something the H does.

Anyway, i like your list suggestions. i'll try that. it's a bit of affirmation work, i would say.