Hey Everyone�.
I have been reading for a while and I am just now feeling comfortable and ready to post. Here is my story�any help to get through this would be welcome

I am 38 my husband is 35. We have three little ones 5, 2, and 1.

My husband started an affair with one of his customers on December 7th, 2010.

I have read Surviving the Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, and Love Busters. many times over.

I learned in late January that my husband was hiding a serious gambling/risk addiction from me for the past 4.5 to 5 years. This addiction included sports betting, high risk commodity trading and EXTREMELY high risk other deals. He would lose thousands and thousands of dollars in a � of an hour. He makes a very substantial living, there was always more than enough money to pay the bills, so I did not know about this problem. He lied to me for years, covering this up, resenting me the whole time. I was unaware of the gambling/risk addiction when he quit doing this in November.

The affair with the OW started 3.5 weeks later on December 7th, at the company party that my husband�s company hosts for all for all of their customers.

The biggest mistake I made was not exposing to her husband immediately. I caught the affair 5 days in�while it was still an ER and they went more underground and continued to move forward into a passionate love affair and SR. After numerous promises that the affair was over and many false recoveries, I think we might finally be in a true place of NC. Her husband finally knows (I have spoken to him and the OW�s father) and the BH also has told their friends. He filed for divorce. I have been in contact several times with the BH and the OW no longer lives with the BH. They are both 35 with no children.

We are in counseling with Steve (for past 2 weeks) and have a No contact plan in place. I wrote him a Plan B letter and told my 5 year old what Daddy was doing. Now we are finally moving in the right direction, but I am terrified he will hurt me again.

I plan A�d until and have had many FR�s. I think the best way to tell you would be a timeline.
Dec. 7th � Affair began�
Dec 12th � saw emails and texts, he cried for days, said promised no more contact
Dec 31st - caught him at hotel, again promised no contact
Jan 12th � caught him in an email
Feb 10th � Caught him booking a hotel / he moved out
Mar 7th - Moved back in
Mar 28th � Caught him at a restaurant with her promised not to talk to her again
April 24th � Saw IIU, IM to her.

After he sent the No contact letter on April 29th, she sent him an email the following Sunday that he did not see. I told him about it but did not show it to him. He called her from work on Monday 5/4 to ask her what it said (so he broke NC�he couldn�t stand not knowing what was in the email).

So she read him the email over the phone, blamed him for messing with her�by breaking up and getting back together numerous times, and told him he ruined her life.

He told me ALL of the true and gory what/whens of the affair last weekend.

I have keyloggers on his computers, his cell phone no longer has email or online capabilities (he was calling her through a yahoo internet account that will not show numbers on the cell phone�FYI). You can also use this same account to communicate via facetime on an itouch. Ughhh. He has a GPS on his car. I am scared that he might potentially find this post, so I don�t want to say more.

We are talking about the affair constantly and I KNOW that I need to try to change the focus, but I don�t know how. I think might be really damaged from this. Everyone I know is telling me to leave him. I just need some strength to try to continue. It is hard for me to fight my friends, family and well meaning others�

How can I start to move in the right direction? This is such a mess. MY LB is almost empty and I'm sure his is also...

ThreeBunnies

Welcome to Marriage Builders, ThreeBunnies.

You are very early into recovering from this. Your focus is rightly on deciphering what happened. That's normal at this point.

Can you explain what you mean by a Plan B letter? Are you in Plan B and not in contact with him?

You need to get rid of any means by which she can contact him or you. Get rid of the email account that she knows about and get a new one. Change phone numbers. If he's on Facebook he needs to delete his account. And attempt at contact from her, even if it's negative, is still contact and will trigger both of you.

How can you confirm that they are no longer in contact through his work?

May 4 was not a Monday.


Of course you still need to discuss the affair.
He CALLED OW 2 days ago.
There is much to discuss.

What's he doing about his other addictive behaviors?

Marital Bliss -
Thanks so much for responding.
I sent him the Plan B on Thursday April 28th and he sent the no contact letter on the 29th. So...he put together the no contact letter and a no contact plan that I had requested in the Plan B letter. He chose to work on our relationship so I am not in plan B now.
He deleted all of his Im accounts, facebook, and additional email accounts. He has already changed phone numbers once, so he call blocked her numbers on his phone. His phone now only can text and call, no online service. He is also in withdrawal from his i-phone. uggh.

I cannot confirm contact at work. He and his business partner own a small company with about 5 employees. They can all see each others screens (they are commodity brokers) so they IM with their customers all day long. I have no idea how to get proof that he isn't contacting her at work except for to say that he can't do it in front of his business partner or employees. They would call him out on it. He could potentially use a land line to call her at work, etc. They are not doing business with her now.

Pepperband: Thanks so much for responding. I made an error, you are correct May 2nd was Monday. He contacted her (and told me about it...which actually is huge because he has never done that before). Luckily, she read the email to him and also rejected him verbally. He kept saying that he wanted her to reject him, which she FINALLY did. I am terrified (for OBVIOUS reasons) that the contact could resume. Obviously, he broke contact by trying to find out the contents of the email.

As far as the other addictive behaviors, he is seeing a therapist that is working with us both individually. The therapist doesn't really think that it is a TRUE addiction because he was able to stop cold turkey. I don't know if I buy that. He seems to think that the gambling was a coping mechanism.

My husband is impulsive and has the money to buy what he wants when he wants to. I am very concerned about his ability to tell himself "no".

TB, it sounds like you're off to a good start in recovering from your WH's A. I would suggest you check out the bookstore link on this site and get Surviving an Affair. It will be invaluable to you and your WH as you go through recovery together.

Your WH's A occurred because the OW was meeting some of his most important emotional needs. It would be a good idea for you to read about the 10 most important needs here. You will see a link on that page that will take you to the questionnaire. Print out a copy for each of you. Fill them out separately and then discuss them together.

It is difficult to meet someone's most important emotional needs if you don't know what they are. This questionnaire will help you nail down what both of your needs are. Pay close attention to the top 5 on your WH's questionnaire.

How much uninterrupted time do the two of you spend together? Dr. Harley suggests 25-30 hours per week for recovering spouses. I don't mean being in the same room watching TV, or hanging out with the kids. I mean Undivided Attention, like when the two of you were dating and went for long drives together so you could be alone, that kind of thing.
Read about Undivided Attention here.

Your goal should be to meet the needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. Meeting these four needs as much as possible will guarantee the most deposits into your Love Banks. Do you understand the concept of the Love Bank?

And don't let up on your snooping. That's going to help you feel safe. Don't feel guilty about it, either. That's a common reaction to spouses who are snooping during and after an affair - they think they're invading their wayward's privacy. But there is no room in a marriage for that kind of privacy. Look where it got you. (And a whole lot of the rest of us. )

You say she is one of his clients...that needs to change for NC to occur. Does he own the company? He cannot be at a customer appreciation party or anything else again if there is a possibility she will be there. If it's a problem getting rid of her as a client from the company altogether, he may have to get another job. He may need to discuss with owner/manager if he cannot make that determination.

MB...Thanks for the reply. I have read SAA at least 3xs and We def. do not have enough UA time.

KC...He owns the company with his business partner. She is not doing business with the company anymore (he really never saw her in person anyway, but they communicated over IM. There is NO possibility that we will move or that he will leave his company. We live in a very large metropolitan city and do not run in the same circles as she does...except for the industry events that happen about 3xs per year. he may not be going to those anymore...

He appears to be VERY depressed today. He is having a real hard time. Feeling sorry for himself, feeling as though everyone is against him, depressed, like our friends will never forgive him (many have told him in the past 2 days that they have never been more disappointed in someone in their lives.)

HE IM'd this to me earlier today...

]ill get over it i guess
im just overwhelmed a little i guess[/color]
okay...the phone that you ordered wouldn't work anyway...it doesn't track keystrokes...
HIM
im getting frustrated
ME
why
HIM
its just kind of annoying, i know why we are doing this...
so im ok with it
just annoying
im 35 yrs old and my wife is parentally controlling my phone
and GPSing my car
sad
sorry,
anyone i tell about it is like...WHAT???
ME
you volunteered to have that continue so that i could feel safe. if you look at me as the bad guy...all I can say is that I NEVER wanted to, or expected to be in this position. Please feel free to do the same to me. accountability is the name of the game. I am willing to be accountable as well.
If we listen to other people we will be in big trouble. dont tell anyone, then. why do they even need to know? people who haven't been through this truly don't understand. this isn't a forever thing. its just a "for now' thing.




HIM


all ur friends hate me/disspointed (justifiably), ur parents do to, everyone knows i had a big gambling problem which u prob told them how much i lost, im spending ton of money on therapy...still, wasted a bunch of money on legal fees, gps is on my car now, u want to get me to not drink anymore, my pphone is about to be analyzed all the time, computers all are spywared... my daughter is talking about cheating...
just over whelming...
and i feel depressed
trapped... but, i can save my marriage
so there is that



I sucked at golf yesterday, etc. etc. etc.

I hope that this means that he is actually going through withdrawal. I have never seen him this despondant...The above conversations are just a few examples. I tried to stay positive and keep him on an even keel.

Luckily, he has an appointment with his therapist right now...

Do you think this means that he is in withdrawal? Sorry this was hard to read...

If there's any chance her being at those company events, he needs to let his partner attend and he needs to abstain. NC means NO contact, for LIFE!

He needs to man up and take it, he created the situation, do NOT feel sorry for him, and he should not feel sorry for himself either! Recovery is NOT for the fainthearted, if he's this way this far in, how is he planning to recover with you?

As far as having his wife track him, I want to
He needs to grow up! I'm sorry, this really makes me mad!!!

My goodness. He seriously believes it's all about him, doesn't he. He'll just have to adjust, now, won't he.

I think he's starting to realize that his affair didn't exist in a vacuum. He's realizing there are consequences for his actions. Waywards don't like consequences.

Now. Be careful that his pity party doesn't distract you or wear you down. Don't back down on your requirements for recovery. Waywards will attempt to get their spouse off their backs - don't allow that.

It's not about him, now. It's about YOU. You need to do whatever it takes in order to feel safe. That is your requirement. He'll just have to be a big boy about it.

Okay...thanks MB. Steve says that too...that it is all about "him", which Steve says makes this thing a lot tougher. All that you are giving me is good advice. I won't back down on the requirements (which is exactly what he is going for...)

The thing is...he WILL find a way if he wants to get in touch with her. He knows the GPS is on the car because he found it, but I told him it had to stay.

KC...I know. I know. It scares me. Ugghhh. I just hope this is a side effect of the depression?

If he finds this thread (he knows about MB), I am in major trouble!

Glove Oil...I KNOW that you are exactly right. It gives me SO MUCH hope to read your words. This is the first time that I think he actually hasn't talked to her...but he IS so selfish and marred in self pity.

He the following letter below (without my knowledge) to all of our close friends and family. The negative responses from a few of my friends have left him very hopeless. I feel as if the OW hadn't rejected him, he woud've already called her by now.

But he is depressed, full of self pity and very selfish. Despite the fact that he sent the letter below, he REALLY doesn't feel much empathy for me. I can just tell. From the minute this affair began, all of the empathy was directed to HER. uGGGHHH>> it made me so crazy! However, since he actually seems depressed, I am hoping that this withdrawal is FINALLY really happening.

How did you pull yourself out of the self pity? I have tried so hard to get him to understand how incredibly awful this has been. He says he gets it, but 7 FR within 4 months tells me that he doesn't.

He has read some of SAA, but not much. I am having a hard time getting him to look at it. He did read HN/HN, but not LoveBusters.

I read him part of the passage today about withdrawal.

Anyway...here is the letter he sent that got a pretty angry response from about 3 of my closest friends. He uses the right words, but I just am not sure that he MEANS it...
_____________________________
The Letter:

I come to you today with a humble and broken heart. My wife, my friends and my family have been impacted by my narrow minded, short sided and selfish acts. I will never be able to understand the breadth and depth of the pain I have caused my wife, nor will I ever be able to truly comprehend how my bad decisions affected all of you in both direct and indirect ways. I repeatedly acted without regard for others feelings, focusing solely on my own needs and happiness for too long. I have hurt you and I profoundly apologize!

I have literally pushed my wife, the one and only partner and family I get to choose, to the breaking point. She has experienced more pain and hurt than ever will understand. As a result, she has leaned on all of you to the point of your exhaustion and frustration with her. Through her friends and family, she sought comfort for her pain and direction for her confusion, while all the while keeping an unbending and narrow focus to identify what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to fix it. She has been the Rock of our family during this storm, bearing the brunt of my attacks. She has focused on the long term. She has held in her mind, while I wouldn�t, our dream, our children and our life� what we set out to be together when we married just over 9 years ago.

I realize that my decisions to act repeatedly without regard for her, her feelings or my family have confused and hurt all of you. You all have been there for my wife, letting her cry on your shoulders and offering advice and compassion. I again am SO sorry my actions and selfish behavior put you in this awkward position, but I am grateful� we are grateful to have people like you in our lives that we can count on, even when it is not easy to be our friends. And this time has definitely not been easy!

I pray that Three Bunnies and you all will someday be able to forgive me for what I have done. I WILL do everything I can to prove my resolve now the only way I can: with my actions, not my words. I have made a renewed commitment to my wife, children and friends to be the man that I know I can be.

Wayward Husband of Three Bunnies
1st Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
__________________________________________


I KNOW that he doesn't pray, and that another friend gave him that Bible verse. The whole thing just feels a little...contrived, knowing that he doesn't PRAY!!!!

Is there anything that I can do to help him?

Leslie

My suggestion for him to get out of his pity party is to get active in what I call, "Just Compensation". He is going to have to start giving himself to things beyond his comfort zone.

1) Volunteer at the local homeless shelter feeding the hungry
2) Spend time in the NICU feeding preemie babies
3) Volunteer for the Special Olympics or get active with the local Down Syndrome Group.
4) Drive the van for the disabled children that have to go to treatment.
5) Clean bed pans at the local nursing home.

Having all those false recoveries does suggest he pities himself on the narcissitic side of his personality. You are dealing with strong depression, and the chances that he fully comprehends what he has done is suspect.

He has a battle to be fought, and unfortunately his battle is deep within himself. Sticking to your EP is crucial to survival of your marriage. He cannot use his pity to manipulate you that is abusive. He cannot use his pity to get out of just compensation. He cannot use his pity to reward himself for this act of sin.

My WH has many of the same simularities as your WH, and these are my conclusions about dealing with many of his narcissistic traits. Empathy is something they will struggle with unless they have some intense therapy to fully recognize the pain they have caused to others. They are going to have to learn and be exposed to situations that force them to see the world from the eyes of people that have truly suffered. That is why I strongly recommend some form of volunteer work.

I pray for your recovery. It will be the battle of your lifetime, and I know you have the strength and perseverance to come out stronger, healthier, and happier in the end.

ItsToughLove...I will try to take your suggestions and make plans to do this with him. He is still in the fog. I am just trying to make sure after so many False no contacts, that he is really staying away from her now.

He seemed less depressed this weekend. We spent a decent amount of time together.

Any suggestions on the best way to get through withdrawal? I know that he feels "in love" with her and not "in love with me". He even said his feelings for her were so strong that he didn't know if he wanted to me "in love" with me, but he knows that we should try for our family.

I tried to chalk that up to fog-babble and not let it get to me....

ThreeBunnies,

Fog babble talk, fantasy living.......don't listen, don't be hurt by it.......
Just keep being his safe place to land, when he is thinking clearer he will see how you stood with him through is stupidness............
Just keep checking do it quietly and make sure there isn't any more contact, time spent together is the key, slowly he will let go of the OW and get all his marbles back........my husband said the same things in the early days........now he just regrets his every decision.........he now realizes what he almost lost, he now says that I saved him and us................
you have to just hang in there.....
jessi

And do not be afraid of him or what he'll say/do. YOU are in the driver's seat right now, just remember that!

Jessi-Thanks so much for the words of hope. I try so hard to let his words bounce off of me and NOT stick. I think the N/C is still happening, but I need to do one more thing to double check. May I ask how long your husband had the affair? It is so hopefull for me to read that your husband eventually recognized your strength and has seen the errors of his original thinking. thanks so much for taking the time to tell me that.

Thanks KCS-
You are right. I need to stand firm on everything. It is critical for how things will move forward in the future He has had a few more days of pity party and we had a 6:00 am with Steve Harley this morning. Steve was amazing today. It is obvious that my WH is still on the fence about his decision to end contact and come back to the family. Steve was great in talking him through the logic. I am certain that we wouldn't even be in this position without Steve. I just am PRAYING that some of what he said sunk in...my WH said earlier that it was a great session. Steve talked about being true to yourself, being a husband then a father. He told him that the connectedness that he felt to the other woman was a product of letting his guard down and that she wasn't anything special...that he could feel that "connectedness" to 1,000,000 different people, and wouldn't it be better to have that feeling with the mother of your children? GO STEVE!