Saw your post on CWMI's thread...I can't post there but wanted to say I totally get what you were saying about your DJs toward your XH.

When I came here I had sooooooo many people telling me the same things they are telling her! I was so mad! I just wanted everyone to SEE and AGREE that it was HIM not ME! LOL....the thing is I had ZERO respect for him. Maybe I never could have got over that, but I think by the time I tried to alter my attitude toward him (my tone, my looks, my manner, my body language) it was too late.

Also, I discovered he had been cheating for many many years of our marriage and ultimately THAT is why I divorced him. However, for those who aren't dealing with adultery issues, I so wish I could get them to see what I see now about how to treat one's spouse.

Boy am I careful now with my new DH! It is easy because he is a man I respect, but I am VERY careful to not say belittling things to him or about him.

So I just want to say I can see you too have learned that lesson and when you find someone worthy of you, you will be ready.

Wow, SM, this post really hit home for me.

This is exactly how I was with my Ex-wife. Never any open hostilities, just a whole lot of what you described (tone, looks, body language). I didn't even realize I was doing it, just kind of flowed from years of resentment. ExWW called it "negativity", just another form of disrespectful judgement. I guess i was really good at the bad body language part, something I never even thought I was doing.

Of course there were reasons the resentment built up in me to act like that, but it's no excuse. Neither is it an excuse for her to have an affair, but I don't dismiss it as "fog babble" when she said she was emotionally dead for years.

I have been seeing a wonderful woman now for 6 months, and you bet I'm extremely careful about how I project.

I know what you mean by the years of resentment. I was giving my dh an example this morning of how my XH used to do me and how my response was less than perfect. I would ask him a question...could be anything...'do you want some ice cream? Are you going to services with us this morning? When are you taking vacation?' Anything. He. would. not. answer. Silence. It was maddening. I would wait....and then say in probably a shrew's voice, 'Did you hear me?!' And then he would accuse me of being a shrew.

Um. Yeah.

Dh and I are kind to each other. We absolutely bring out the best in each other.



Yes, I've learned to watch my body language VERY carefully.

Ultimately though, I hope we all aren't too hard on ourselves. When you deal imperfectly with horrible treatment....well, that is human and to be expected somewhat!

One of my favorite scriptures....'Oppression makes the wise one act crazy.' So true!

Thanks SW.
Sometimes I hear myself yelling after my son, and I stop and say to myself, "Did I really just SOUND like that???" My speech to him (and his dad every couple months when he calls, lol) is MUCH better and MUCH more respectful now.

We really don't realize how harsh we can be.

Do I think I was justified in some of my judgments, disrespectful as they are? sure I do. The man quit his job (for no reason other than I don't want to work anymore) when we already couldn't paid bills with our two incomes, then ran up both our cards (behind my back) buying into "business opportunities" and wining and dining people who thought he was a millionaire, lost six figures of home equity loans (I don't know what happened to the money), tried to drug me, and beat my kid senseless. Told me he knew I'd find a way to cover all these bills b/c if not I'd lose my security clearance, hence my job. And he was right. Even on active duty military I still worked another job on commission (making the same as my military salary) and then a 3rd job and still couldn't cover the expenses he was running up. And then, after the divorce, I found out that he'd had an EA with one of my best friends. My mom tried to tell me about it while we were married, but I thought she was just being paranoid.

So yeah, when I criticized him internally, I think I was justified.

But even people who fail their families and marriages are still people. And deserve to be treated with respect. As bad as he was, I still could have cleaned up my side of the street.

And in cleaning up my side of the street, I have made a MUCH better life for myself. I never would have believed you if you told me that getting rid of the DJs (as right as they may seem) helps to keep my blood from boiling. I kinda now live with the knowledge that people do dumb things, disrespectful things, mean things, selfish things. They do me wrong. And while I try not to be that way myself, every once in awhile I am. So I let them have their moments. "live and let live." My stress levels are WAY down.

So I was hoping I could explain to CWMI is that she has the power to make her life better for herself and her kids. Not perfect, if her husband never comes around the way she wants, but BETTER. And who knows, if he enjoys being around her more, if she finds away to meet that need for admiration that he is so very motivated to get from the workplace, then maybe he will begin to soften to her. But even if she doesn't, her life can be so much less frustrating.

A funny thing is, now a days I actually see MORE times when *I'm* the selfish/dumb/mean one, but not in a "beat myself up" kind of way... more like a, "Oh wow, I cut that guy off when I made my turn. I didn't see him. Oops" where as before I would not have realized I was in the wrong and would have thought to myself "what a loser, why is this guy honking at me? he needs to learn to drive."

Don't worry if you think I'm crazy, I already realize my mind is still a work in progress, lol!

Unfortunately, even though I'm better at DJs, I still have a problem with "big mouth itis." This thread has my name in it, so this is not a T/J is it? Lol! See, I love to tell funny stories about myself. Being in the ministry so long, I have a very transparent life. Very few secrets, and none that would make anyone blush. Unfortunately, I sometimes forget that other people generally DON'T like people to tell funny stories about their lives. I was out with a group of girls tonight, including the cute/nice guy from church. I was in the middle of telling them a story about the last man I dated when I remembered what a girlfriend and I had discussed after the last time: He's probably not asking you out one-on-one because he doesn't want to end up as one of your stories!!!

One of these days I'll get it right!

Yes! I went with a 'fake it 'til I felt it' method. At first I worked at just not verbalizing what I was feeling/thinking. Then I worked on the body language and facial expressions I was putting out there. Then I worked on my internal feelings...I would have never believed I could stop my blood from boiling about certain things. But I have! It does feel good. Yes, relaxed.


Ha ha...yes, you can talk about yourself and your life all you want on here. Not a T/J.