Be careful about counseling. Marriage counseling is often very destructive to marriages. Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and have a higher divorce rate than the general population. They have an 84% failure rate in the US.

What is "NLP counseling" and what is that about?

Neurolinguist Re-Programming....(I think!) Spelling will be wrong. Re programming your brain to think differently. Went to see him about getting rid of some of my anger and negative feeling. It was a good 2.5 hours I think. Wasn't really marriage stuff to be honest...more about me and how I get out of the black hole I am in. I need to get myself out of the pit. I need to grown tall again and stop hiding away and drowning in my own self pity. That's not good for recovery or self esteem! We have down some marriage stuff with an author who wrote 'How ca I ever trust you again' which is a good read.

I feel very safe in 'your' hands - I am so glad that I came across this site.....a community of people that understand at last.

AEK1,
This was very hard for me personally. I kept trying to figure out how DH and OW (who I thought was my friend) could look me in the eye and do such a thing. How do you just flip that moral switch and start living a lie? I just cannot get my head around it.

Trying to figure this out was wasting my time. You will never understand the "how".

I believe that it is okay and is part of the healing process to allow yourself to really feel the sadness and the anger of the betrayal. To just let yourself go with the emotion ... and then there comes the time to start focusing on the "now".

You are on the right path. Try to focus on what you can do to make yourself someone that you respect and can feel good about. Live your life with style and grace. Someone that your H will want to be around.

Anyone can get knocked down, but how you pick yourself back up is a measure of your strength and character. This was my meditation.

I worry about you having to see OW on a regular basis. I can personally tell you that it can drag you down - way down. Don't let that happen. Stay strong. Stay in control. Come here to vent.

Give some serious thought to moving. OK?

I did not have the ability to do that the first year. Instead what worked for me (similar though) was writing poetry. I am not good at it, but it worked. One thing I benefited from was that it captured the heart and soul of my feelings, and I was able to learn from it in that way. For more specific things i made lists, lists and more lists... That said, I encourage writing and journaling. It is healthy and therapeutic and it educates us.

CV

You are all simply amazing trying to help me. I feel stronger knowing there are some decent people listening.

Moving is so hard because of his job although I know it's the best idea. The children are going to the school where he will be working....

Moving is your best chance for a good recovery. If you don't move, your recovery will be very long and painful. Every time you come in contact with the POSOW you will be going backwards in recovery. Think of moving as a fresh start for you and your family...leave all the pain behind.

The advice is good.....I know it is....I can see it is the best thing to do.....but why cant she move????? My husband has a job starting in Spet where the children will go to school. Trying to find another job now in another county seems impossible. The children will then feel even more unstable not knowing where they are going.
Moving is the right option but then I worry that moving away from my friends and my support network could be a disaster. I am now sure I even want to be with him.
I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I would be ok alone, may be even happier....
How are you meant to fall in love with somebody who has betrayed you.
I get the be nice routine and don't slag off the OW routine....I can do that.....but when I look at him I see somebody I no longer respect or love.....does this come back?
I want to try and make things work for the children as I know this is the best solution for them and I can see us muddling through but if neither of us is happy we are very vunerable to having affairs - both of us.
Please help.

The advice is good.....I know it is....I can see it is the best thing to do.....but why cant she move????? My husband has a job starting in Spet where the children will go to school. Trying to find another job now in another county seems impossible. The children will then feel even more unstable not knowing where they are going.
Moving is the right option but then I worry that moving away from my friends and my support network could be a disaster. I am now sure I even want to be with him.
I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I would be ok alone, may be even happier....
How are you meant to fall in love with somebody who has betrayed you.
I get the be nice routine and don't slag off the OW routine....I can do that.....but when I look at him I see somebody I no longer respect or love.....does this come back?
I want to try and make things work for the children as I know this is the best solution for them and I can see us muddling through but if neither of us is happy we are very vunerable to having affairs - both of us.
Please help.

I played tennis with my girlfriends today. I want to get out and have some fun. I find it so hard though as they were/are friendly with the OW and their children still go to the school where my H worked and where I put in so much effort to make it a special place. I find the thought of cutting off this life and these friends so hard. They are important to me but if I listen to the advice, I think you are telling me to walk away and create a new life.

Please make plans to get out of that community. If you are triggered DAILY by this associations, I assure you that your H is triggered daily. If you stay there your life will be a life of hell. No job or school is worth that. Don't sacrifice your marriage and your children's family and your mental health over a job.

You know the thing that totally stinks about affairs, AEK? Innocent people get screwed. It's the nature of the beast. Families have to move, jobs have to be quit, children have to be uprooted from their school and their friends - through nothing these innocent people have done. All as a result of two selfish people and their poor decisions.

If there was another way to protect these innocent people, I'd be jumping on it in a heartbeat.

Think about it this way. Stay where you are because you need the support of your "friends" who are also friendly with OW. You divorce H because you are constantly reminded of the betrayal and therefore, cannot get past it. But even though you are now divorced, you will still be constantly reminded of the betrayal because you are still running in the same circles as OW. It is a lose / lose outcome.

Ditto.

I don't think you two have a shot of recovering your M unless you move, the sooner the better.

{{{{AEK}}}}

I agree with you.....but it's tough....no house, no job, no school, moving away from my business - but i hear what you say.....whay can't the OW move?
A

You could surely ask them to move, but I wouldn't expect them to. Honestly AEK1, I understand the comfort level, but is personal comfort worth the price of your marriage and family?

cv

Dear Melody Lane
I totally agree.....I just need to work out how to do this - it will not happen over night. Our social life, love life everything is knackered here so we have nothing to loose.

ALSO, how do I fall for him again? I am not in love with him - how could I be? To show tenderness and loving right now is beyond me!

Is staying together for the kids a good enough reason?
I don't think either of us love each other in the right way anymore. Should we try for the kids? If you have fallen out of love can you fall back in? How?