I've been lurking on this forum for two weeks...ever since I discovered my husband was having an affair. I don't know what all the acronyms mean, so forgive me for not using them.

Here's a little info about my situation. I'm 34 yrs old...husband is 35. We've been married 10 years, together 12. We have two daughters, 6 and 2. I discovered the affair 2 weeks ago when I found searches and pictures of a particular girl in the history of my computer. I looked at his texts one night when he was asleep, found a million texts to her and confronted him right away. He tried to deny it, but I finally made him fess up. He says it's gone on for 2 months, which I believe. He refuses to say whether or not he slept with her, which to me is an admission. He's said that he wants to try to work things out with me, but he's scared. He gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech, and says he thinks he has feeling for this girl he's cheating with. The girl works with him, and he has not stopped seeing her. On Thursday, my daughter came home from gymnastics practice talking about meeting her daddy's friend. He tried to pass it off as someone I knew. I showed my daughter this girl's picture on facebook and she IDed her immediately. So, not only is he still seeing her, he's now taking my children around her which makes me LIVID.

I need to know how to kill this thing. I've bought the book today...waiting to get it. But I thought I'd see if you guys had any advice for me in the meantime. I'm losing my mind and all I want to do is save my marriage and my family. And I know that if I could only get him out of the fog, I could do that.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sv. I'm sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

Your WH has more than likely had sex with with this woman. The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech makes that very suspect.

Who is this woman? Is she married?

I would first suspect the 2 months just because it seems like wayward spouses never give the real truth.

Second, I got the "I am scared" line too.... for my husband it was, scared to leave me. Beware.


EXPOSURE..... that is first on your list.... everyone must know, even her people.

The first post on this thread should tide you over until the book arrives. It is the marriagebuilders plan in a nutshell.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

You need to immediately copy her list of Facebook friends to a word document before she blocks you. You need to possibly seek out a lawyer to protect yourself and your children incase he does leave you for her, and tries to take the kids.

Follow the plan that was linked above. Execute it with calmness. Stay calm, get your ducks in a row, and formulate your plan.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

The fact that your WH has introduced your daughter to the OW should have you very alarmed. I think you need to put together your plan and act very quickly.

I would immediately (& quietly) get snooping into place: VAR & GPS in the car, keylogger on the computer, if possible flexispy on his phone. Please do not put this off.

Then we will help you put together your exposure plan. It needs to be done in one fell swoop. Exposure is VERY effective when done correctly. I will be back with more.

Written by MelodyLane:

LINK
....The most impactful thing you can do to save your marriage is expose this affair. It should be done in a wide spread, strategic manner all on the same day. Doing it on the same day ensures a tsunami effect that is hard for the affairees to recoup from.

Exposure is the most powerful weapon because it is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd of people. It is no fun getting high when everyone is watching. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, and clinical psychologist, says this about exposure:

here

Exposure works immediately in some cases, in others it hastens the death of the affair. There are no guarantees, but it is your best weapon.

Best practices that we have found around here are doing it all in one day. Make up a COMPREHENSIVE LIST of exposure targets and start exposing by making phone calls, sending emails, sending overnight letters.

Exposure targets are :

1. parents of ALL - yours, his, the OW's - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice. Ask the OW's parents to use their influence to persuade their daughter to quit her job and leave your H alone

2. close friends and family - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice.

3. employer, if a workplace affair [we have a letter that should be sent to Human Resources]

4. facebook exposure of the OW and your H. This has proven to be a very powerful exposure tool. you would make a copy of all their contacts and save in a Word doc. Send them a private email asking them to use their influence to persuade the adulterers to end their affair. Space the emails out so that facebook doesn;t shut you down. Enlist one of your friends to help you in this. [I will post some sample letters below]

Here is more,
Also written by MelodyLane:

Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

I would focus on killing the affair. If you can kill the affair, you have a chance to save your marriage. The most effective way to kill is to cause as much trouble in the affair as possible. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure ruins the fantasy aspect. It is no fun to carry on an affair when everyone around you is looking on with horror and disgust. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. And the more people that are talking to him, the more likely they are to get through to him.

I would expose to these folks:

1. your parents on both sides [ask your mother and/or your MIL to call this skank and tell her she will never be welcome in your family]

2. close family and friends

3. the OW's husband, if any, and her PARENTS

4. the OW's facebook friends. Copy and paste her facebook friends into a word doc NOW for safekeeping. We have a sample letter you can send to all her family and friends

5. the workplace. Send a letter [we have a sample] to the HR Director, a key VP and both their supervisors telling them about the affair

6. your 6 year old daughter - she should be told the truth about what her daddy is doing to their family and that the OW is a bad woman who is trying to ruin her family

This should all be done on the same day in order to get the greatest impact and prevent the affairees from pre-empting you and spinning the story. After you do this, I would pay this skank ho a personal visit and tell her that there is no future for her with your H because she will be eternally hated by your children and the in-laws. Let her know that your in-laws are all very aware that she is a skank and will not ever be welcomed to darken their doorstep. Let her know that hell is coming her way if she doesn't buzz off.

dang, I wrote all that for nothing! Susie saved my posts!

Also...

Do a double check on your financial situation. [make copies and put them in a safe place] Make sure what you thought was your financial situation remains your true financial situation. Double check that he hasn't cashed in retirement savings and IRA accounts. Consider protecting yourself and your daughters by transferring some (or most of) any joint savings monies into an account in your name only. Considering that their are 4 of you in the family you can safely withdraw 75% (that's 25% for each member of the family were you ever questioned about the logic of your withdrawal).

Many a wayward husband has cashed in the family savings and taken off with their "girlfriend". Sure it likely won't happen to you but why risk it when all you need to do is double check some things and taking some steps to protect yourself.

In addition, as you expose keep paying attention and have some snooping in place to protect your assets. Some waywards retaliate and hide assets and try to manipulate you into submission by keeping you cash poor. One betrayed wife I recall in particular had a wayward husband bleed her dry financially for so long within the divorce proceedings that she basically gave up and settled so she could finally be divorced and have some semblance of an agreement rather than blowing everything on attorneys.

Good luck,

Mr W

You sound like a good woman, with a head on your shoulders, and some insight on your WH, (Wayward Husband, Acronyms listed Here )

Listen to all these posters, and make the list for exposure, along with protecting your assets. You have some awesome heavy hitters here that will help you greatly. Let them guide you.

I don't have anything to add that has not been discussed already. Listen to Melody Lane, and strike when you have all your ducks in a row with exposure all in one day.

Sorry you have to be here, but do not be afraid or ashamed.

God Bless and good luck.