BG, I have been reading your thread from day 1, and have withheld posting because.......well, let's just say I have a reputation for being forthright, and sometimes that doesn't help.

I am going to post this one time, and it will hopefully be something that you can keep with you.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! If someone here gets aggressive, or seemingly negative, in a response, they are doing so to the "concept" of you, not to you yourself. Here is where you can be as brutally honest with yourself, as some of us may be to you, and there are no penalties.

So keep using the knowledge you can extract from this site to improve your marriage. It is truly a risk-free" environment. Exude the "Grace" that is part of your name, and don't get discouraged or disillusioned. When you close your laptop after each session "we" disappear from your reality. You and your husband can benefit from each posting.

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I heart SchoolBus. She can 'see' things in the written word that most of us can never see. She dissected a letter to me from my cousin who had had an affair with my then husband. Her perceptions were mind blowing. She referred to things as possibilities that she had no way of knowing existed. She explained so much to me! Listen to her closely! [/quote]

Thanks SM. SchoolBuss does have a way of speaking to heart of things without making one feel like a hopeless loser.

The book came in the mail today SB. Read a few chapters and ready for more. Thanks again for suggesting it.

Today is a hard day... Tomorrow is Mother's Day and it's also my son's 20th birthday, today is the 20 year anniversary of my H returning from the 1st Gulf War and today my son broke up with his first real girlfriend (he's been in tears). I am not handling any of it well.

BG,

I'm sorry to hear about your son's breakup. I have kids who had romance issues, and I know it breaks your heart when your kids hurt. What I told them was that dating was kind of like the search for the exact right person for you and for the other person, too. And that each of you has a check list that you are going over, and that the list has things on it that you want and do not want in a life mate. With each date, some items are checked off, and others are "wait and see". Well, as you mature, you find that there are things added to that list that you realize that you absolutely MUST have in a mate, or things that you absolutely cannot ever live with in a mate. So if those things show up in a person you are dating, you quit dating that person right away.

That doesn't mean that the person you are dating is a bad person. It doesn't mean you are a bad person.

It only means that the checklist item you have is incomplete with that particulare person, and that you need to find someone who can meet the must-haves, and nearly all of the need-to-haves on your list. You may even meet someone with some bonus items you never even considered, and that moves them to the top of the list for you!


Both of my girls had plenty of broken hearts. But using this idea, both of them have remained friends with each and every person they have ever dated, because they never found it necessary to end a relationship as an enemy.


SB

BG,

Now, on to YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE.

I'm glad you got the book I recommended. It was a life-changer for me.

The concepts in the book focus on ideas that are quite similar in nature to those that Dr. Harley proposes in the MB plan. The idea is that you begin to betray yourself when you go against your natural instinct to do what is right FOR THE OTHER PERSON.

You see, you "say" you never considered your husband in having your affairs. I would tell you this is not true.

Here's why.

When you met your other man, you did NOT have your affair publicly. You did NOT go home and tell your husband, "Oh, honey, I met this man and I'm going to have sex with him, because I find him quite attractive and I think you are just not doing it for me."

That didn't happen, right? Nope. It didn't happen because you CONSIDERED the possibility of being caught in the affair. You considered possible reactions by your husband, possible trade-offs, possible scenarios of exposure, possible encounters with your husband or other people who might find out. All of this did cross your mind

or you would NOT have gone to any trouble whatsoever to keep it a secret. There would have been no effort at all to cover it up.


Instead, at the moment you had the thought of having the affair, you KNEW it was the wrong thing to do.

Then, a cascade of events took place in rapid succession.

Your mind said it was wrong.
Your inner desire to serve your own selfish needs said that you "wanted what you wanted".
Then, your next inner statement was some sort of supporting statement for why you "should be allowing yourself to have the affair" despite the fact it was wrong. That so-called supporting statement was something along the lines of:


-my husband and I have been drifting apart
-I deserve to "feel" in love
-I cannot control who I love
-I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him
-my husband hasn't treated me like he loves me for _____ long
-if my husband made me feel this way then ________
-I can control this and have both men
-what my husband doesn't know won't hurt him
-my husband has probably done worse anyway, and just never told me
-it is possible to love two men at the same time



There are plenty of other statements that might have come to your mind. It doesn't matter what they were. The point is that you had those types of thoughts, and they were meant to try to prop up a decision that was made so that you could do what you wanted to do - even though you knew it was wrong.

The rest, as they say, is history.


The book explains how to SEE that exact point in time, and how to stop yourself from making that bad decision. How to see it coming, how to stop it, and how to deal with others in your life who are doing it TO YOU.


After you work on it for awhile, you begin to understand how long this has affected you, and how long you have betrayed yourself. In your case, your life away from the truth has resulted in a life in the DARK. How very very sad. There is a beautiful world out here, BG, that you are afraid to see. The truth, and living in this very moment of it, will bring forth something you will be shocked at seeing.

I swear to you - when you begin to live this way - you will suddenly have a gift from heaven. The sun will brighten, the smells will be stronger, the sounds will be sharper, people will be warmer to you, and your life will be much more enriched and worth living. You will not want to miss a thing.


SB

Hello BeverlyGrace,

I have been reading your thread and had a few questions for you.

1. You said Does this mean that you assume your H is lying to you? Does this mean that you cannot believe he loves you? Ok I lied. That was two questions.

2. What are your life goals? I mean what do you want to gain from posting here? And what do you want to accomplish in your life?

You cannot have a plan if you don't have goals. But, more importantly I believe that honesty and goals go hand in hand. I know this sounds weird, but I think that as you clarify your goals in life, you will find it easier to be honest with yourself and by definition your H.

Look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

SB,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still working on the book. I have an apt. with an eye surgeon tomorrow and anticipate many tests, so I may not be posting for a few days. I will have my favorite reader (CV) reading for me though so maybe we will finish the book :-)

Hi JL,

Answer #1. No, I don't believe my H lies to me. I do believe that he changes his mind on things. I can understand this, I've caused him an insane amount of heartache. The only lying I was referring to was the lying that was part of my person for so long.

Answer #2. Goals... I want to become the wife my H deserves. To do this I need to learn more about myself and see where I have habits that are a threat to both H and myself. I want to be healthy enough inside that I have what it takes to begin to undo the hurt I've caused my H. In my wildest dreams, I would love to get to a point where I can just freely love H and have him know that it's real. I want to love, honor and obey my H in a way that makes a difference.

These may not be at all what you're asking about, but this is where I am.

NG,

I am really trying to believe this but I have a hard time shutting my brain off. When the laptop closes my brain goes into overtime. I feel like the future of my marriage is in the hands of 1000 people I don't know and who don't know me. I have been disrespectful to my H in the past and I have a real fear of saying something in my posts that may hurt him or make him feel disrespected again.

BG

BG,

You said Sounds fair enough, what is your plan to acheive this goal?

Let me suggest something to you. Why don't you sit down and what a marriage YOU deserve, desire, and want would look like and express this to your H? Use your own goals to set up your plan and that entails both your H and yourself.

Look at your goals, read the articles here, and then lay out a plan to acheive your goals. share the plan with your H and let him offer his input to your plan.

BG, you can acheive what you seek and more if you will plan and try. You have a lot of power over your H and he clearly loves you or he would not be around. You need to own these two facts, so that your goals and plans both protect your H and his love for you and recognize your power in this relationship.

You are not the victim, you are the one weilding the power. Understand it, and then use it wisely. You can achieve what you want and need, if you follow the guidance on this site.

As for 1000 people telling you what to do and evaluating you, it is MUCH MORE THAN 1000. No pressure at all right?

People are offering you advice so that you and your H can recover your marriage, most if not all here KNOW that eventually this advice must be applied by you, ignored by you, evaluated by you. So the advice is offered for your consideration and it has been, is, and will be wide ranging. That will help you think things through while you are developing your plan.

So get the goals down solid, THEN start building a plan to acheive those goals.

God Bless,

JL

When the laptop closes my brain goes into overtime. I feel like the future of my marriage is in the hands of 1000 people I don't know and who don't know me.

Okay, try this little trick:

When you start reading the responses to your thread, do so with a notebook handy. Jot down the things that strike you as important (good and bad), rewording, if necessary, to redact any unhelpful emotional presentation. Since most posters here are very dutiful about including quote references from previous posts to orient their contributions, you will not have to "back up" to get the gist of the note. When you have read the current notes, close the laptop and review the notes you took.

Look for what you find helpful, or especially thought-provoking, and highlight them in, say, blue. The notes that disturb, challenge, or worry you, highlight in red. Now just study the notes you have, and consider how to use the content in working toward your goal.

When you are comfortable, respond to the day's worth of notes. But, and here's the key, strive NOT to step back into any prior day's postings (where those emotional "triggers" still lie). Stay current on your own thread.

Remember: "How does one eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Look to garner one key principle, or tactic each day, not a complete change of living strategies in one sitting.

I have been disrespectful to my H in the past and I have a real fear of saying something in my posts that may hurt him or make him feel disrespected again.

Which is why you will NOT immediately respond to any post, because waiting and "mulling" will stop you from lashing out at a perceived slight, which may only be a poor phrase construction. Stay with the CONCEPTS, not the specific PRESENTATIONS.

And remember "Eyes on the prize; eyes ALWAYS on the prize!"

I just want to say this advice is spot on. When I first started here, I would respond quickly and without really reading into what people were saying. I made a fool out of myself with SuzieQ, who really was trying to get me to see what I needed to.

You are getting great advice, BG!



lol I just wanted to add that if you knew how many times I typed a post, how long I spent on the post, and then sometimes electing not to post what I'd spent time writing and rewriting, you'd probably think I was nuts.

Ha, I wished I had done that. Looking back at my earl posts I was such a, well, not so nice lol.

Instead of reflecting on what was posted I "attacked" back. Which was so silly

Ha, I wished I had done that. Looking back at my earl posts I was such a, well, not so nice lol.

Instead of reflecting on what was posted I "attacked" back. Which was so silly

As the holder of the unofficial MB record for having posts "moderated" (Hi, gals!), I have to plead "mea culpa" to that as well!

(Figured I'd self-reveal before MB or ML did the deed!)

And therefore have no direct social, financial, or emotional investment - and all share the goal of guiding you and your H to the best marriage you can have.

Does the sound of that make what is going on seem a little less frightening?

Quit bragging, I hold that record!! One year I believe I was moderated 130 times!

You guys are making me feel a lot better. Glad to see I'm not the only nut here! I type all kinds of stuff and then delete it. I have a bit of a self-confidence issue and if it weren't for spell check I'd never post!

NG,

Thanks for your post. I found it really helpful. I have my notebook on stand-by! Now I think I need to make notes before I sit down to post so I stay focussed on what I really need to say.