Here's the situation. My BH and I have an OC we are raising together, but now OM is getting involved. We are in final stages of coming to an agreement about child support and custody, but we're torn on what to do. Our attnys think we should rail the OM for as much child support and as little custody as possible (they are confident a court will go in our favor if it ends up going to court), but we don't want any more tension between us all than is already there for the sake of OC. Any advice on what we should do? We kinda feel like OM is taking advantage of us, but we also don't want to make things worse.

Wow, so you lost the fight against the interloper? I am so sorry. Since OC is young, I would give him as little time as possible until OC is older and OM can prove he is a fit parent.

WH,

I am with your lawyer on this no matter what happens in your lives the money for OC will still be useful to OC.

My adoptive parents magnanimously declined my biological fathers offer of money which I could have used for college.

God Bless
Gamma

Has anyone else ever dealt with an every other weekend visitation schedule? My BH and I would have primary care, but OM would get every other weekend. How hard is that to deal with as a parent?

So, you cant keep OM out of the picture entirely.
I am so sorry for your BH, I would not be able to deal with that.

In that case I agree completely with your lawyer, hit him as hard as you can in the wallet and give him the absolute minimum time with the child.

If you don't "Need" the money, then think of it as punitive damages and restitution for your BH.
Heck, if you don't want to keep it, put it in a trust for OC, or heck...give it to a charity if you want.

Maybe this will run OM off after a wile.

Hard, even harder for your BH

You do understand that BH should not endure contact with OM, and you flat out CAN NOT have ANY contact with him, in any way, EVER!

You will need intermediary to handle picking up and dropping of OC and all communications wile maintaining NC.

Don't know if you are just looking for situations with OC, but my WXH has every other weekend visitation (one night each weekend). It is brutal. Especially at first....

WH,

...give it to a charity if you want.

DON'T DO THAT, this is OCs money,

You are the only ones who can stand as advocates for OC.

God Bless
Gamma

Gack, my BH is handling this better than I ever imagined. We're actually doing pretty good, all things considering. And he wants to handle all contact with OM, but I definitely will stay firm on never seeing OM ever again.

SmilingWoman, OM is asking for Friday night to Sunday night (two overnights every other wkend), but you mentioned only one overnight every other weekend. I'm going to see if we can push for that instead. Thanks for mentioning that.

As for the child support, Gamma, we'll probably put it aside for the OC's future and some into savings, so at least BH can get "something" out of all of this... though it makes us both sick to even think about.

Ug...sometimes I really can't believe this is my life. What I did to my family.

Is Money what you love?

I hope my OC is better than that.

If she is not, than I believe "I" may have failed as a parent.

If you don't need it, perhaps a charity in OC's name.

Give to others that which you do not need, nothing in life can feel more rewording.

Of course if you need/want it, use it in whatever way you see fit.Like I said, perhaps restitution for BH.

OC is only 1, still a baby. Two overnights is not appropriate at that age. Give him absolutely the minimum and do not start out with overnights. That man needs to earn your and your BH's trust where OC is concerned. I would ask for court mandated parenting classes and for a court liason to be assigned. Let OM pay for the court costs since this is his fight. I would also ask for a court assigned social worker to inspect where OC will be living when with OM. PUSH BACK HARD.

Thanks, FF. That's excellent advice. We really don't want to make this easy for him to disrupt every part of our lives. But I think the class is a great idea. What's the liason's job?

Gack, as for the $, we could always use the money. We've lost so much in court costs already fighting this, so we'd like to get some of that back. Not just that, but if OM wants to play "dad" then my BH feels he should put his $ where his mouth is. We've paid for everything for OC so far--and happily--but if OM wants to waltz in and try to take her from us, we want him to think twice. Money means little to us, since we've gotten by on much less just fine, but OM wants to disrupt everything, so we should at least get back some of what he's cost us financially.

Some mistakes cost so much. We just don't want OC to pay for them.

I didn't realize your OC is just one year old! What is the standard for visitation in your area for that young?

I don't think he even needs over nights AT ALL until the child is at least 2. Then just one night at a time until age 3.

My son is 11. XH gets Friday from 6 p.m. until Sat at 6 p.m and then Sunday from 2 p.m until 8 p.m. That schedule every other weekend. And every Wed evening 5:30 to 8:30.

He also gets 3 weeks of vacation every year...one week at a time (anytime since ds is homeschooled) to increase to 6 weeks only as XH's vacation time increases.

That is it. No holidays. It is a fairly abbreviated visitation schedule. I got it because I had so much evidence against XH that he didn't want drug into court.

Sounds like a good reason to me.

Smiling, that's a schedule I would be more inclined toward. I wasn't even married to OM, so really, what can he possibly expect? My attny said there's no clear-cut answer to what the court would grant if we dragged it that far. He may get nothing (we would love that, but there's no guarantee), or he may get more than our offer. No way to tell. Depends on the mood of a judge. We want to settle out of court mainly to avoid dragging this out even longer. We've saved up $ to go to court if needed, but it's emotionally exhausting. I am going to run your schedule past my BH and see what he thinks. Though we already all agreed that it would not be anything right off the bat. It'll take time to work into a schedule, since OC never met OM and to her he's a stranger and she's a bit of a shy child.

want,

altho your story and mine took a slightly different route you have arrived at the same intersection i walked thru nearly 8 years ago.

when om 1st started seeing our dd she was about 18 - 20 months.

at 1st he only had a few of hours on every other saturday 9 - 6 and every wednesday evenings from 4pm - 8pm if i remember right. no over nights. that went on until she was about 2 1/2

then over nights started. at 1st they were from friday 6pm to saturday at 6pm for another 6 months. at that point they went from friday 6pm to sunday 6pm. he still had every wednesday from 4pm to 8pm

weekday and weekends have remained that way since.

also since about the time she turned 5 or 6 he also has every other holiday for new years, Easter, Memorial day, 4th of July, labor day, thanksgiving, her b-day and Christmas. he gets fathers day, we have mothers day. time on holidays is usually 9am - 6pm unless they fall on the monday of his weekend visits. then he gets the extra day (sometimes)

can't remember what state you are in but in Calif they they break it down in 2 catagories. Primary and/or Joint Custodial (sorry it's been so long i can't remember if custodial is the actual term used) and Legal. it is way more IMPORTANT that you gain PRIMARY CUSTODIAL. and if you have to give something you begrudgingly agree to Joint Legal. you always want be the oc's primary home.

i'm betting that he is like most of us arogant(spell that ignorant) men thinking that with the term "joint legal" he gains something. NOT. all he gains is the right to allow medical treatment (God forbid) it should be needed.

as far as the cs goes. i say take all you can get. if you don't need it stash it in an account for oc's education or when she turns 21 or something.

i would venture to say that since om has pushed this far that cs will not deter him. if it does you just hit the lotto

like your H wants to do, i handled all pick-ups and drop offs.

there will be pitfalls and heart aches but you can both get thru them

WH,
My feeling is to do everything you can to keep OM out of your life.
Here's my experience, so you know why I say it:
I was lucky. My exWW's OM signed an agreement (drawn up by a lawyer and safe in my safe deposit box) not to even attempt to come around until OC (D9) is at least 18. He has been wise enough to comply, as far as I know he's fallen off the face of the earth. Hopefully he has moved on and started a family of his own. Fortunately, my exWW was merciful enough not to pursue anything with him and didn't push for him to see D9~ I still marvel at how MBish she was just by her own volition; she went total NC.

Anyway, I've been able to have a relatively normal relationship with my D9. No amount of CS would make up for the disruption of having D9 go with OM, even for 5 minutes per week. I would be a wreck.


I hope your BH can get as lucky as me.

opt

For your BH's sake I don't understand why you don't fight shared custody all the way.

Also you were never clear on did the judge order a paternity test our did you volunteer that you had a test done?

Why in the world would you volunteer that info?

OM had an at-home test done that says he's bio dad that has been submitted to the court. We definitely won't have a shared custody situation (50/50) since I'm a stay-at-home mom and OC is still breastfeeding and not in OCs best interest, but we're trying to get OM to agree to less than 2 overnights. We're even willing to accept less cs in order to keep him down to 1 overnight, but he's fighting back hard. While we're still considering going back to court, it's very iffy with the courts. It's a huge gamble on both ends, which is why we're trying to negotiate. I don't think I could accept Pops' arrangment; that seems like too much to me. OC's very attached to us and doesn't take to strangers well if I'm not there. I guess the bottom line is that if OM doesn't accept only 1 overnight we'll have to duke it out in court. There's always the chance the court will give him no rights or anything. That's my prayer, at least.

Pops, how does your OC handle shifting between families? Does she seem okay with it? How do you explain it to new people you meet? Does everyone know she's an OC, or does that not come up much?

Want, did your lawyers specifically tell you that the at-home test OM did was legally binding? Who is listed as the father on OC's birth certificate?

I was wondering the same thing. MAKE him get a court ordered DNA test. MAKE him do the hard work. TELL him you will fight for him to pay for all court costs, again this is HIS battle not yours. Is your BH listed at the father on the BC? I still say NO overnights until OC is at least 2 years old and you are done breast feeding. Have you done a background check on OM?