We do have primary physical custody; OM only has visitation and joint legal custody. And we were able to get BH legal rights as well--similar to an open adoption, where if something happens to me or our M BH will still be entitled to OC.

As for your advice, Mel, I will see what BH says. Unfortunately BH has not yet agreed to tell in-laws about the situation, mainly because a DNA test had yet to be taken and he didn't want to tell until we knew for sure. Plus he wanted to wait until everything was over due to his mother's health condition. Now that everything's just about over, I'm begging him to get the exposure over with. So as of yet we don't know what will happen with in-laws--whether there will still be relationship or not. But I'm hoping they will forgive and accept our current situation and help us in this way so that BH does not have to suffer anymore than he already has. We'll see...

wanthealing, the longer he waits to tell his parents, the harder it will be. I would encourage him to get this done ASAP. You both need their support.

Instead of "begging" .... time to implement POJA.
You do understand POJA, right?

POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT

*** LINK *** CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflict resolution, the MB way, will help you avoid making love-bank withdrawals.

Begging is unattractive and also coercive. Love-busting behavior.

But, MB is not just a resolution-solving program .... it is a way to restore ROMANTIC LOVE between spouses.

Pick up the tool of POJA, and use it.
The tool is not the goal.
A happy in love couple is the goal.

Click this *** LINK *** .... and scroll down to read some POJA discussion on MB 101 forum.

Thanks, Pep. We've done really good with POJA for other aspects of this situation--and basic daily decisions so far--but this is one area BH has firm beliefs against exposure and I differ. Obviously I respect and understand why BH hesitates to expose; he doesn't agree with my points on why it's better sooner than later. But I'm worried that like what Mel says, the longer we wait, the worse it will be.

I don't know how else to explain the benefit of getting it over with.

May I suggest your and your H (together) send one or 2 email questions to The Harley Radio program.
Here is how to email your question.

want

when you and your h decide to tell the family make sure you do it "together".

i remember that time clearly. your family will take their cue from you and h's attitude.

at first they may be shocked and confused. but when you and h tell them and show them that the 2 of you are together united and working to better your marriage my bet is they will jump right on board

your h is a good man with great character. he has to come from good stock

just wanted to add that when the visitations start and your h is still the intermedary. that doesn't mean he has to sit with om and chat it up.

those visits should be someplace like a park, mc donalds, zoo, beach. someplace that the oc relates with fun. it will make it much easier on oc.

once oc feels comfortable he should allow om to have some space but your h always needs to be where oc can see him.

at this young age feeling secure is paramount. the oc needs to know that you and your h will always be there. which we all know is a given

Let's hope for his sake, he is not put in that position if her FIL agrees to be the intermediary. I cannot imagine anything more traumatic than this. Like Harley says it is like inviting the rapist to Thanksgiving dinner.

wanthealing: How soon is visitation with the OM set the start?

Visitation is supposed to begin by the end of this month.

Pops, I do truly appreciate your encouragement about exposure. BH and I talked last night and we both finally came to agreement about exposing next week with our pastor mediating.

Oddly, BH isn't that upset about the A. He is more concerned about OC being abused by this stranger. In fact, when I told him about A he didn't even seem upset. He was more upset about sharing OC. I think this is why he wants to handle supervision. I'll let BH make that decision, but I'm hoping FIL will still be open to handling it. I think it will help keep OM a much more safe distance away from our family.

want, so the DNA came back and the baby is OM's? I thought I read you had not done DNA yet.

Also, were you court-ordered to take a DNA test? Did you ever get a ruling from a judge that OM was the legal father and was entitled to visitation, or did you concede OM's claim for those things?

Earlier, you were suggesting that you might settle OM's claim rather than continue to fight him. Settling is not at all the same as being order to take a DNA test and having OM declared the legal father. Unless you were court-ordered to have the test, I don't think you can say that you lost the fight.

What was the legal ruling?

hopefully your FIL will be able to be the intermediary.

as odd as it may sound your baby's age may actually be a blessing. being so young it may enable oc to bond a little so the exchanges won't be so traumatic

We did finally go to court, and the laws grant a DNA test pretty much any time it is requested. We tried to appeal it, but we had no grounds to appeal it. So a DNA test was done and came back with OM as sperm doner. Once that was done, we were forced to mediate, in which we all agreed to every other weekend, mainly because if we went to court we risked 50/50. So that pretty much sums up the last several weeks of events. The only thing we're waiting on is legitimating OC, at which point the visitation will begin. Apparently it takes a while to de-ligitimate and re-legitimate a child.

Today my BH told me he is concerned about how a lack of relationship between us and OM will effect OC. I'm not sure how to explain the problems with being friends. Other than that it could lead to another A, what else can I say to explain how bad it will be for all parties involved? BH is more concerned about OC having healthy lifestyle with all of us than he is about A re-starting.

A "healthy" lifestyle is the last thing the OC will have if you have contact with the OM. In order for your marriage to recover, you both need to avoid him. It is in the best interest of the child for you and your H to have a healthy, secure, intact marriage. You won't have that if there is contact with the OM. Your H will experience perpetual resentment and your feelings for the OM will be perpetually triggered.

Your H needs to understand that he needs to put his marriage FIRST. That is in the best of the child. If you have any problems selling this, ask him to call Dr Harley. Whatever you do, wanthealing, don't agree to any contact. That is not even something that is subject to POJA because it is dangerous to your marriage.

Many people are under the illusion that parents need to be in contact to raise a child, but nothing could be further from the truth. It is more often the OPPOSITE. Being in contact with a parent after a divorce or a situation like this makes a parent less able to parent effectively. You will both be better parents if there is NO contact.

"""""BH is more concerned about OC having healthy lifestyle with all of us than he is about A re-starting."""""

i understand his attitude. he has found his self esteem, is starting to find or has found trust in you and is now concerned for the well being of your little one

does your court order give the om over nights right from the get-go?

It is really important that they both understand this is a very unhealthy, dangerous attitude that will harm them if they act on it. Hopefully, that is what you are trying to convey, pops. Her H, of course, should not trust her and there is nothing to "esteem" about making marriage wrecking decisions. His self esteem will suffer if he is exposed to the OM because he will be continually triggered.

While concern for the OC is important, that can't be done at the expense of the marriage. It is in the child's best interest for them to have a secure, safe marriage and contact with the OM threatens that. As Harley suggests, all contact should be done through an intermediary for this reason.

wanthealing, I would show your H these articles by Dr Harley and even have him contact Dr Harley directly, if need be. You will be endangering your marriage if you have contact with the OM:

here


In other words, protect your marriage at all costs. That is in the best interest of your OC. Your H probably doesn't understand how damaging direct contact would be so you might need to make sure he DOES.