You may realise that I am feeling very down today. I am very scared about the future. I understand that the best thing to do is to move that that's not that easy....do you think an hour away is far enough for the memories to fade and the likelihood of us bumping in to the OW to be minimal?
I am scared about loosing my friends here and feeling very lonely in a new area. Surely this will make me resent my H even more...
I feel stronger and know that I can cope alone. I think we are only together for the kids. Should we try for a year for example and see where we are then. We are not fulfilling each others EN's so I guess we are both now vunerbale to having an affair. He has a job starting in Sept and the kids are going to school there.....I know you all say that moving is the only option but what if he doesn't get a new job - the kids will then not have a school to go to......

My advice stop being fearful and take each day as it comes, have a plan in place, actively work on the marriage and relationship, rebuilding the trust in a marriage takes a long time. Keep your mind clear, keep healthy and be with friends who help you laugh and smile.

It takes a minimum of two years for a marriage to recover from adultery. Staying together for the sake of the children is a good reason to give it all you have and then some. And you have a good opportunity here for you and your husband to fall in love with each other again if you follow MB principles. Start out doing little things. My H enjoys games and music. So I started with that. He loves sharing his knowledge of music, so I asked questions and listened to him. As far as SF goes, well, I guess we were sort of lucky that we had some major hysterical bonding going on. We still don't understand how that works, but we both think it helped a lot. Give it time...

About moving--I have moved many times in my life, due to a career military father and a husband who works for the government. I have found a new life and new friends in each place and thrived. Moving is stressful, but after a year in the new place and especially without the anxiety of seeing the OW, you are likely to find your family building new memories and a new and better marriage. I had no idea of my FWH's adultery when we first moved to this new place after his long deployment. But now that we are here, I am glad we have this opportunity to make new memories that belong only to us. It is impossible to run into OW here and no geographic triggers for either of us. Your children will most likely do just fine in a new place, especially as your marriage strengthens. They will find new friends, just like I did all throughout my childhood.

It is too soon for you to be thinking about this. (Although every betrayed spouse probably has at this stage.) Yes, you can fall back in love. Follow the MB plan.

I am still waiting for the book. What's the plan in the meantime. I cannot get her and him out of my head. I want her to suffer and hope she is really unhappy. Is this normal? How can I forgive the 15 months of sex and lies?

Your plan in the meantime is to do things with your husband that make you happy. What are they? Brainstorm. Dinner out? A walk in the park?

Yes, AEK, what you're going through is very normal. I know you want her to suffer. You wouldn't believe the thoughts in MY head about what I wanted to do to my OW. Another thing: treat yourself to things. Get that outfit you like. Buy the ingredients for a fancy meal and serve it by candlelight for just you and your WH. Do anything like that to make yourself feel better right now. Remember: when your WH was in his affair it was all about him. It's all about you, for now. That's how your marriage will heal.

Yeah unfortunately this needs to be less about justice and more about, what gets the job done? What you need to do is fall back in love with your husband.... having a strong marriage is good Justice against the OW anyway.... be sure to read His Needs Her Needs too

AEK1 - IMVHO, the kids are a good enough reason to TRY! You'll have to both work at it, but you can fall in love with each other again. Be honest, you did it before; right? If YOU feel you can't or it's so far gone that you don't want to try, then you're done. Don't stay in a dysfunctional marriage for the 'kids'. That doesn't make any sense - you'd be miserable, he'd be miserable and the kids would be miserable. What's the point of that? As another poster put in a different thread - this isn't marriage at all costs!

She can but she won't will she? Life isn't fair is it?

Your Husband will probably always have feelings for the OW - that is a flat out consequence of the love bank and how it works. You must build a romantic relationship with your husband so he is then in love with you but always know that the reason No Contact for life is so important is because if he has contact with OW, the affair can be rekindled in an instant of time. This is why you are being told to move away from OW. No Contact is vital for recovery from an affair.

I also have one other piece of bad news for you - in the book "Surviving an affair" the woman Sue never did apologise for the affair yet their marriage still recovered. You expect him to be grovelling his way back to you but unfortunately, as I said above life is not fair. Hopefully when he falls back in love with you again he will apologise.

I find it so hard to take that he will always have feelings for her. He loved her and I think continues to love her. Even though it was her who started the affair and her (through telling her cleaner) who ended it. There is somebody who has destroyed his life, brought his downfall but he cannot see any bad.
I understand he is angry that he ever got caught and is in a loveless marriage. I can see why he found me annoying during the affair... It made him feel justified in what he was doing. What's hard is some of the things he found irriatating about me he loved about her. I don't know how to get beyond this.
I am still waiting for the MB book as I can't get it in the Uk. I am desperate for the answers.
It seems like an impossible challenge to me and I have even written farewell letters to the children as some days i cant see a way forward and would prefer to give up.
I feel all the pressure is on me to make it work and know that if I mention her the day gets off on the wrong foot.

Thank you for good advice. Hard to do nice things with WH when you despise him. How do you do nice things together when neither of you are in love with each other.

Hugs to you AEK1, many, many hugs. This is so difficult, isn't it?
I don't know the answers because I'm in a similar spot. My H still has feelings for the OW too and I am finding it really difficult not to have a wall up to him. He's here though and I'm trying.

You sound as if you're depressed. Are you actually suicidal? Do you have a hotline you could call? A counselor? A friend/family member?

I started antidepressants and, while they take time to kick in, they do seem to help. You have to take care of yourself mentally and physically to be able to deal with this in any sort of healthy way. I really feel for you and me both.

On the how...I think we simply make ourselves do the MB suggestions...actions and feelings might follow. We hope they follow..given kids it would be a risk worth taking, right? That's what I'm telling myself.

Finally, we're in a mess too in terms of needing to move out of a shared town. I think it would help my H's recovery and so we're looking into making those changes now as difficult as they are financially and relationally.

I wanted you to know someone out here is online and reading what you wrote and cares...it's really late here and I'm heading to bed...but I wanted you to know you're heard and I "get it" if that helps.

Thank you for caring - it does help. Really it does. I am trying to be nice but then I remember how evil his behviour has been and how cruel they both were. It is clear that he no longer loves me a visa versa. Love Busters book arrived today so I will plough through this. The first few pages definitely make a whole load of sense and it makes me sad that we are even in this position. I just never knew he was even unhappy. I could feel him pushing me away and I suspected things but never an affair for 1.5 years......I do not want to be a doormat to him.....

I see you got Love Busters today. Have you also ordered His Needs Her Needs, the 2011 edition? I got both those books from Amazon this week in two days.

I'm in London. Where are you? (Be vague if you like: north, south? Not England?)

There are just so many books to read....I am going round in circles. I have LB and can see that it could really help prevent further damage and hopefully the Love Bank will start to refill. I have ordered Surviving and Affair but this has not arrived yet. Some like you have suggested that I read His Needs Her Needs but I am slightly overwhelmed but the pile of books by my bed. Which is the best. I need to start one and finish it rather than flit from one book to another.

Sugarcane - I am in the South East about an hour and a half from London. How are you coping? Have you survived the mess? IS the marriage really better? Did you have to move away or did he move job?

Dear MelodyLane
I want to make a plan. I want recovery. Please can you help me?

You can do fun things together, or you can do un-fun things together. Which do you think would be better? You've got to do something together. It might as well be the fun stuff, yes?

AEK1,

Hi just wanted to send my support and I want you to know there is and end to all this, you just need a plan to focus on....
Many marriages have turned around from very difficult positions.....
Try not to worry to much, you can't make sense of someone else's decisions, don't try, the only thing you can do is focus on the changes you need to make and then he will need to decide which life is going to chose.
Just go slowly change little things every day. I know it will be hard but you have to keep your eye on the future and know that all the steps you take today will get your there, there will be a lot of moments you think you can't do it, but do them anyway the feelings will follow........
You will feel a lot of rejection and hurt by words that are spoken, don't let that affect your plan, something you have to endure right now......
Slowly you will see his reactions change towards you.........be a safe place for him to land............always look good, smell good.........make him wonder if he is giving up the wrong person............
And lastly keep coming her, the vets are wonderful here, they will keep you on track..........
You will come out of this stronger and a better person. If your husband doesn't come back in the end you will be alright........
It is a long, slow process, but you will learn so much about yourself, what kept me going was the fact that I am not a quitter and that no one was going to steal my life............the thing is that my husband and his OW underestimated was ME.
I went in full combat mode.................
jessi

AEK,

I have been reading your thread. You seem to be at a crossroads with yourself.

On the one hand, you want to save your marriage.

On the other hand, you are stuggling with what you are "feeling" and what you know you have to "do" to get your marriage back on the tracks.


I have been there. Most betrayed spouses have been there!

Feelings can really set us on the wrong course of action. Fear of what "might" happen can cause us to make decisions that we might not otherwise make. When we "do" things that set us on a course of action, however, we are more likely to make better decisions, and we are much better prepared for most events that actually may come along.

This is because when we sit ourselves down and think things through in order to make a plan, we begin to look at true "probabilities"

instead of thinking about "possibilities".


Here is the difference:

It is altogether "possible" that a comet could hit my barn today at noon.
But!!!! What is the "probability" of that?


So, when we sit down and make our plans, we look at "probable" events. Do we sit down and plan for comets hitting the barn? NO!

Now, if you look at the MB layout, it plans for the probable events, and the lesser probabilities as well. It covers most bases in marriages, because it lays things out so that you can be very certain that you are covered. If you work this plan, if you give your effort, and if you establish no-contact, you have a reasonable chance of recovering your marriage and finding love between the two of you again.

I cannot, however, guarantee that a comet will not hit your barn.


As far as your anger goes, come here. Vent. Don't vent to your husband.

Don't vent to the dog, either. He won't understand, and he might bark a bit.


Schoolbus

I will tell you about my marriage another time, but for now:

Can you afford the Harley telephone coaching? It costs something like $200 per hour. Just one coaching session will give you a clear plan. If your H is willing to speak to a coach, the hour could be split between you but if not, you would have the whole session to yourself. You would not be on the phone at the same time as your H as this just leads to arguments.

The coaching sessions are held with either Dr Harley's son Steve, or his daughter, Dr Jennifer Chalmers, not with Dr Harley himself.

For an overview of the plan that Dr Harley sets out for all marriages recovering from an affair, read this article. It is a reprint of chapter 13 of His Needs Her Needs.

Listen to as many of the Marriage Builders' radio programmes as you can. There is a link to the radio archive at the top of every page on this site (in the red area).

Watch the free video by Dr Harley on infidelity here. Try and get your H to watch it too.

Do NOT, though, on any account, let your H discover this forum or your posts here. You will be advised by us to spy on your H, and you do not want him reading this advice, to you or to another poster in the same boat.