Well, this is frustrating. I just attempted to write an updated post and then a phone call and must have punched a button and it is gone. So will attempt again.

It's been like almost a year since I posted my story or updated it here. It is only because not that much earth shaking has happened to us and that I cannot locate any of my former stories.

Anyway, Me 68, Her 65, married 42 years. She is now residing in a nursing home with me in a new condo here since a year ago. Two wonderful adult childten, son and daughter. She doing well and on her own and him, well living with me off and on now due to his inabilitly to sustaiin meaningful employment. Her, loyal, and still very beautiful - desite the relationshio with some s--t in that nursing home over a year ago when she had no contact with me because she knew I put her there, and me hanging around because I love her and maintaining our home here (is as much her's as mine), having here here as often as possible - even tho it isn't allowed under the contract. I do not feel at all guilty about That, jsut am careful. Her, manic depression for most of the years of our marriage. Me, a recovering alcoholic. Her, seeing me and our family though this. Me, when I did start recovery I honestly worked hard and succeeded in stabilizing our lives. Her, a very fairhtful family background - her parents, and me the same.

Well today I feel bad for her. She was sad and upset when we were together earlier. For whatever reason our son did not contact her today for Mothers' Day. He is now staying with me. I kept reminding him of this day - he stated he would call and get together with her yesterday or today - has not. Char and I had to spend some time today when we were together to discuss. Told her flat out this is dissrespectul and not acceptable. She is suffereing inwardly and doesn't show it outward so I just held her for awhile. No nothing sexually - well yea of course I felt her and other ghings - but just really feelng for my wife and bottom line hurt for her. It will get better, but tell you what folks, my son is in for a rude awakening a true come to Mary and Jesus when he gets home tonight. May be he will be encouraged to leave here untill he gets the point.

At this point I honestly wonder if I should even post here anymore. There is no affair with my wife now as far as I know. And there could not be given her reaction to me - like the corrections, critisms, interest and constant contacts. Still, I am blessed to have this woman.

Tom

Tom,

I'm sorry to hear that you both had a rough day. I prayed for you after I read your post. Holidays can be very difficult, especially for those of us who have sadness and lingering guilt. They can also be a great reminder of Gods grace to us. Thanks for helping me remember.

BG

Tom, I've read several of your posts since I've been here and always benefit. I'd like ya to stick around for a while.

CV

Hello BeverlyGrace,

It wasn't entirely a bad day and I didn't mean to imply that - she was upset that he hadn't contacted her earlier before I had her here, but she enjoyed the short visit. Was a sunny day and while we were out on the patio I potted some new geraniums. She has always loved flowers - especially the really colorful ones - and I was able to get some young geraniums in red, white, and pink. She also loves the pond out in front of our place and watching the geese out there. She also had a chance to see her (our) cats again. So, even tho she was sad I think she did enjoy.

Good news is our son dropped by just awhile ago and he Did call her tonight earlier. I called her just abit ago and she seemed much happier now - a nice card and an earlier call from our daughter this morning, time here with me, and then her son. Sent back one of the geraniums with her so she can have it in her room. She said she was tired and that she finally had a good mothers's day. It's just that when she feels sad or hurt so do I. That is just like automatic now.

Thanks Beverly.

Tom

Hello CV,

Thank you, and I have seen your posts and several of them recently as in to helpfordad and I guess a couple of other people here. You just seem like a very direct and caring person!

Tom

Tom2010,

I think you staying here and helping others is still a great advantage for all of us. You have a very different kind of marriage and love for your wife that is amazing, it is true love when you stick it out through all the rough patches, my God, 42 years, the rest of us only wish and hope we can get to that some day......Recovery from an affair is difficult, dealing with an illness is even tougher.......But you continue to show her your love every day........she is a lucky woman......you are a great man. I see you are thankful for all your blessings.............
I find it very reasssuring to know that no marriage is perfect but if you keep on task and stay in love you can survive anything..........
I am grateful for any story of love and commitment I can read, it gives me hope, I am a romantic at heart even though it's not my story I love to hear it and it renews my belief in love .............
jessi

Hi jessi,

Thank you much for your expressions. I have been on here now I guess since last year February, and you seem to be a very unselfish and caring person, despite your experiences. And just thank you.

And okay an update: First of all when I came on here I was an angry and upset person. I have to thank the many here who persisted in giving me just simply understanding.

Yea jessi we are still married and love each other and depend on each other after all these years now, but ya know what it isn't magic or that I am some kind of special person - it honestly is my wife Char who has fashioned this. Char honestly to this day declares herself as an agnostic! Yes we went to church and brought our kids up in the Catholic Church because of my insistence. I do not think that damaged our marital relationsip - there were not many arguments on that. I just went ahead and practised my faith - and believe me, if I died tonight I could not present that much evidence to Him that I attended Mass very much or even prayed very much in the last several years. Yet, despite my own doubts and neglects about my faith, she has tolerated.

Ya know what, and this is just my personal take, I went to confession (as a Catholic) yesterday and then went to Mass - could have declined because of the rainy weather here - but did not. Had to walk two miles because my bike had a flat tire. Am glad I did. Today I feel exhilertated, it is like the voice deep in your heart to put aside these things on earth and focus on the pain you may have to endure to save a marriage. My priest in giving me the pennance simply focused on me not going to Mass. That honestly astounded me becuase I didn't expect that. He knows me and told me, because I am older, what if God called you today, what would you say to Him. Despite us being physically separeated he asked me to attend Mass every weekend, make extra efforts to show Char my love, and to branch out and offer my services to volunteer agencies to focus on others in need in place of Me. Bottom line jessi, even tho most others here would think I am nuts, it struck me that it was Christ talking to me thru my priest yesterday. And yes, I internally feel I have the most beautiful, most precious and sacrad woman on my side - May the Mother of God. But, on earth, Char is The person in my universe.

Thanks,

Tom

allright finally found my thread after an earlier post tonight to helpfordad.

Char has just returned to the nursing home after attempting suicide several days ago. My son and I have visited her , talked to the Psych and she is released back to the home. The Psych was actuall good in determining that this is a recent episode with her. As far as I can tell it what a comibnation of things that lead to this and I waa a part of it and so was my son, but I feel really tired of taking blame for this [censored] right now. Last Holiday weekend I could not have her home here due to finances, and my son promised her he would visit her and take her out to a reastuarant on Memorial Day but didn't show up at all. He is a good young man given normal circumstances and after talking to him found as I suspected he is embarassed in having his mom this way. In addition she was assaulted again in the nursing home a week ago simply trying to watch the tv. Nothing serious physially except being pushed out of her chair on the floor. That's already covered now with a complainnt to state of IL elder abuse. They have been to this place before so second time I hope it curtains.

Point is I cannot have her here anymore as I used to. Just that she needs 24-hr montoring. So like I can have her here for during a day but now she isn't happy with that, still cannot understand why she can't stay the whole weekend.

Well there are a couple of things here. I still feel sort of 'youhg' and active, well not really I am 68, but I still feel good and well and active. On other hand god I am startign to feel old around her even tho I love her. ***edit*** The second thing is there is going to be a harsh battle between me, my son and dau. on the welfare of her with this nursing home. I already found out that some meds that I bought and turned in there for her were sort of lost. Sort of lost no I named the accountant as a suspect in planned deception because that medication cost $195, got a receipt but the accountant replied that the prescription increased. On the other hand when I talked to her counselor the other day and he was awarre of my formal complaint he tried to cowtow and indicated that it would be nice for her to visit this weekend. I will not even tell you guys how I handled him.

***edit***

Tom

Tom,

I am sorry to hear about the troubles. I think you did right in filing the complaint. I cannot imagine being away from my wife, no matter how bad things got. I admire you for sticking it out and taking the hard road. Have you looked into maybe getting a lawyer?


CV

Tom, I want you to stop this attack on other posters right now. You know what? There are small children being beaten black and blue right now, as we speak. There are hungry babies going to bed with zero guarantee that they will eat tomorrow. There are men lying in bunkers, homesick and scared to death while they defend our country. Little boys, Tom! Nineteen-year-olds!Have you and I got it tough right now, compared to them?? NO!! Maybe you think you've got it tougher than other posters here. But they're having a tough time in their lives. We aren't here to determine who is having a tougher time. Geez, Tom!

I know you are lonely without Char at home, but you are totally out of line to come here to this place that has totally accepted you and proceed to blast other posters.

I am very upset with you right now, Tom.

Okay please delete the last line of my last post. Feeling down now an sorry for myself is all. That won't last long I have a friend coming over and also baseball and movie to watch tonight. Also will talk to my daugther toniight later when she calls. But jesus it is testing. It is hard to feel alive when your partner is down.

I actually didn't have that bad a day today when I got my mind off all of this. Went down to the Chicago Loop to do a short day's work for an accounting firm there. It turned out really nice - haven't been to the Loop in like five years. The last time was five years ago when I took Char to the Art Institute and Bennigans's and a few other places. We stayed overnight then at the same hotel that we had stayed at on Michigan Ave when we were both young college students and dating and she talked me into coming here from lil ol Madison.

Anyway, went to Millenium Park here, I actually talked to a police officer on a corner about what the CPD is doing about the 'wilding' crap downtown here - that is just me, and just sat in a window seat of the starbuck's there looking at some of the sexy women who were walking to work.

Anyway mixed feelings tonight. A lot to to starting with call with our daug. in terms of getting both she and son to honor Char despite the discomfort.

Just me as an update.

Tom

Tom, I am sorry about Char, no one deserves to endure that. About ten years ago, a home "dropped" my ninety year old grandfather from a lifting device and he was dead that day.

Anyway I hope she comes through this alright.

Brother, i was not offended by what you wrote at all. You are right. We have it good compared to others. Personally I have tried to *not* complain. I pray for you regularly. And Char too. even though I don't know you. Hang in there!

CV

Hey Tom, just a thought maybe not worth a try...but would Char come here? Would she benefit from some other site with a forum?

Theres tons out there, probably for whatever interest she has..might give her something to occupy her time..maybe take her mind off being in the home.

Just thinking out loud. Not sure if she would be interested or able or what?

Hello Teynold's,

In answer to your question yes she would benefit from the people here within limits. She is honestly not computer literate tho - that means she doesn't even know how to operate a mouse or a keyboard in conjunction with the screen. It isn't that we have been keeping her in a cellar all these years- my daugher, son and me tried to give her training and encouragement way back in 1996 when we bought the first home computer for us. Even sent her to a class but she dropped out. Continued to encourage her and even her older parents did until they passed away. She just consistently refused and so she is where she is. She is a beautiful person in many ways but in terms of this technology she would honestly need guidance in powering on a computer. She has expressed a desire to earn a degree in psychicatic counselting to help others with similar conditions. Her counselor is all for this as well. She would have to do it remote online and of course she complains she can't do that.

She's pretty much alienated our kids, well grown ups now. Neither one calls her very much and I know why and whenever I talk to her it's well they haven't called me or when I try to call them they don't "pick up" or call back. I have had to hold off because of this most recent incident, and yea that is what they call it, from telling her that she has just been offensive to them with her complaining - to my daughter about me or our son, to my son about me etc. etc. My daughter has been urging me to relocated to the WA state are where they live and I have looked that up and found there are decent jobs there even for a codger like me. I feel still healthy and fairly strong and it is appealing. I keep thinking that maybe if I wait too long to move that would be affected by health later on.

What I do now is work pt on contractual as it comes and grow flowers and plants and do some volunteer work but this isn't what I viewed as our retirement. She was p**sed at me the other evening when I felt I needed to tell her we are not going down to Chicago Loop this summer. She loves the Chicago Art Institute and purchasing copies of french dancing paintings in the gift shop and seeing the city alive. And she would love Milennium Park the way it looks now and the lakefront, but those days are gone. I told her and then after I told her and she hung up told her counselor no way am I going to bring her down there with the risk of mob attackes now esp with both of us vulnerable as I posted on that Other forum here. It's as disappointing to me as it must be to her but no way.

Reynolds, thank you for your recogniton. I don't know anything about you but thanks. Ya know it is funny, well not funny but curious, but I have read and followed many threads here and it seems that so many are desparate. You cannot become desparate about the way another person is affecting your M.

Tom

Apologise that should have been Reynolds. Somtimes my hands and mouth go faster than my mind can react!

Tom

Received phone call a few mins ago. My son is picking me up to to to hospital. she attempted again apparently from couselor altho hospital cant say anything.

Oh god marital just get screwed because I haven't been on here few days to read. Dont even have anythign to say but we are going.

Tom, get back to us about Char. I don't stay mad forever, but I get so upset when I see you poking some really great posters here. And you know they're good, and their hearts are right, and they are trying so hard to right their marriages. AND (thank you, God, for sending angels) they help other posters! We are blessed by their presence.

I just want you to quit picking at them. And you know you're doing it Tom, you're not dumb. Far from it.

Now go take care of your wife, my friend! Let us know what's going on!

And quit picking on people. It demeans YOU, my friend.

Go and take care of Char. Let us know what is going on.

My son and I visited my wife late this morning. She is in the CCU at the hospital and probably will be for another day or so. Her condition seemed better than yesterday when we were there. She couldn't stay awake and drifted but she wasn't fully out of it as she was yesterday. We were able to talk to one of her drs. and she is just stable right now is all they could say.

From talking to her counselor this morning she apparently had some over counter and prescription meds which she must have take earlier yesterday afternoon. She went to lunch and then back to her room and a cleaning attendant found her there later in the afternoon and not responsive. They had her sent to the hospital where she is now. I talked to her counselor at the nursing home when we got home and he is going to stop in and see her on his way home today.

We're all shaken by this. I can see it has affected my son as he was just unusually quiet today on the trip there and back. I'm going to take us out for a pizza tonight because we just need to get our minds off from this for even a little while.

Just would like to ask for your prayers for her as you can.

Tom

I have not had the time or really the inclination to get on here for the past week or so. I feel now that I owe it though since I have been a member here for awhile now to those out there who are dealing with severe depression.

My wife now is in a rehab facility out of state recovering from some pretty serious damage she caused in a suicide attempt. She isn't able to walk alone at all and some damage to her current memory as well as balance and ability to even to some simple things. I think I have posted here about the living conditions she was in in that nursing home. We meaning family were in the process of having her interviewed and transferred to a semi-nursing home and skilled care center. Apparently we didn't move fast enough for her and she took this action now a week or so ago. Well she took several excedrin and jabbed herself with a wire she found and just laid on here bed there. Thank god the counselors there did know her risk and kept tabs and went to her room when she was missing from the day room for awhile. I first was told she was found by an attendant but she was found by one of her cousenlors and they got her to the hospital.

I talked to her once now a couple of days ago when her counselor at this new place arranged a call and it was pretty sad. She wanted me to come down and bring her back. I just carried through with the call and that was it. She is going to have to be there for at least another month. Out kids have both talked to her but I can tell from talking to them they really do not want to anymore.

I doubt if I will ever be able to have her here again. I don't even know when I will be able to see her now.

This is my situation. For those of you here and I have seen posts by a few of you who may be fighting or dealing with depression or dealing with a loved one who is, then I have to say to you do not ignore this type of situation. There was a story here about three weeks ago a little before my wife did this about a mother who placed her your son with some friends apparently and then committed suicide in a hotel room.

Tom