I am sure many here are like me and holidays have been/are very difficult when they come around. Christmas, birthdays, Easter, mother's day, etc... Aside from the 4th of July, my anniversary, and my fww's birthday, it seems like there has not been one Holiday that has not been tainted. Often times, these days have been triggers for me in the past, and struggles in the present.

I thought that I would share with anyone interested how I have dealt with these and invite others to comment on their own experiences.

Holidays can be some of the worst times as we are seeking to recover. Not creating LB's is difficult with so many thoughts and emotions going through our heads.

Here are some things I have done/worked on that have helped me.

1. Don't let the OP have the last say... Reclaim those days for yourself and your spouse. The most important thing to do for me was to prepare myself ahead of time. Early on it took weeks ahead of time to steel myself to the task, as time went on, it was days. Getting myself prepared, knowing I was going to be a mess helped me exercise self-control.

2. Plan the day as much as possible, to the nearest degree possible, but account for the fact that situations don't always permit plans to work. Our first Christmas together was spent out of town with our kids. Away from family, friends and cell-phone usage. We were totally isolated in a cabin in the mountains. We planned to take the kids horseback riding (didn't work because of the weather), and even though we were some months out and still in distress after the A, our kids have remembered it as one of the happiest Christmases ever.

3. I began keeping a notebook. I had tons of questions I wanted to ask. I found that I was able to put my questions off until more appropriate times if I wrote them down. The sense of urgency subsided.

4. Focus. This might need to be the number one thing to do. MB tells us that it's ok to discuss the past, but our focus for it should be for the purpose of building a future. Focus on what you are building. Work on building more good memories together than bad ones. part of what has kept us together despite 2 A's is the reality that there has been far more good times together than bad ones. that leads to #5...

5. Don't allow yourself to rewrite history as you deal with the emotions to come up. My tendency was to color everything in light of a grand total of 12 bad months in a (then) 18 year marriage. I was simply lying to myself.

6. Focus on your spouse. Especially if they are repentant and working. They will be experiencing extreme grief and sadness over their fall. reintegrate them into your family. Show them that they are still important (you know, meet their ENs)

These are some of the things that have helped me prevent "trigger" times during holidays. Special days/holidays were always very important magical times for me, but never my spouse because of how we were both raised. I sat down and explained the importance of them to me, and she made an effort to meet that silly need of mine. In turn, it allowed me to do something she never ever let me do... Shower her with gifts... Something that make me happy because I have always felt she was the most special thing in the world. Now after 3 years, they are events of grand proportions and days we mostly love having together.

I welcome everyone else's thoughts and hope these help those who might read this.

CV

CV,

I am 2 months in from D-day and about a month from being reset. I can't tell you how many times the holiday/special day issue has popped into my head. Today was mothers day and I struggled doing something nice for my ww---I ended up getting her a card and having my kids sign it with me putting a little note inside as well.----I know that there will be tougher issues ahead of me with Christmas etc....

Guess what I'm saying is that I appreciated reading your post and got some good advice from it...

Thanks,

InnerStrength

Hello CV,

Saw your post and just felt like commenting. I am not in the same situation, but wife and I are physically separated. Even tho I was able to have her here, it wasn't like she drove here and could stay as long as she wanted to and perhaps overnight, it was for a short while. That alone made me sad in a way in thinking back of the times she did live with us and she was younger. We have this print of her and the kids in our family ablum, her in her print dress and red hair in front of our house and just before we went out to a mothers' day brunch that year. I looked at it today and I sort of realized that I was pining in a way for yesteryear.

Well that was then and this is now.

Even tho I was able to have her here for a short while today - and no she didn't wear a print dress like she used to, but she is still beautiful - I did something that at first I thought might be viewed as silly on this mothers' day holiday. While I prepared for her visit I said some prayers indicidually for each of the women in my life - my grandmothers, my mom, my MIL, my aunts and especialy the aunt who was my godmother. They are all passed away. And then after each prayer I just said happy mothers day to each. At first I have to confess that I felt sort of silly, but after a few minites I had this warm feeling and even sort of tingly. Then I felt that was God's sign that they heard me even tho they are on a different plain now. It was an action and a feeling that made me feel good this special day.

Tom

Innerstrength,

I am so glad that what helps me is helping someone else. Hang in there.

Tom,

Not sure what it is about being married to a ginger (I have one too). They kind of stick with ya, don't they? ;-)


CV

bump

You have no idea how much this helps me (and helps Learning2Cherish too). Thank you SO much !!

I was hoping it would help some of the posters here. Holidays still can be a struggle with me if I don't keep myself on a tight leash. Sooooo much was thrown away during those times for us... we are rebuilding new holidays and better ones.

CV,
So glad you bumped this! Tonight is going to be a tough one for me and my BH.

Last spring, POSOM called my BH and exposed our affair 2 hours before our children's spring concert. Both BH and I sat through that concert sick to our stomachs knowing what was to come when we got home and got the kids in bed. We had to "hold off" for over two hours with BH's mom there and then the floodgate opened....

Well, tonight is the kids' holiday concert. I could tell this morning that BH was getting funky about it, especially since his mom will be with us again.
I wrote BH an email this morning reassuring him that this is NOT a repeat of April 5th. I reassured him that we are husband and wife again and are going to see our kids and I am not leaving and will never hurt him again like that.

I refuse to let POSOM rob me of another holiday.......especially another one of my kids' performances.

I am glad to know that we are not the only ones whose holidays feel tainted.
Thank you again!
CT

You did well! Holidays are such a rollercoaster even without an A, staying focused is soooo important.

CV