I've been married for 6 years. On our first date, my husband told me that he had gotten a girl pregnant. Long story, but in a nutshell the mom wanted him to abandon his six year old son and move to a new state with her, marry her and begin a new life. Hubby had just come out of a bitter divorce, and would have never left his son for anyone. So, this relationship (they had "dated" for about 2 months) ended with mom refusing to allow him contact with the child, she didn't call him when the baby was born and eventually asked him to terminate his rights. This all happened before I knew him.

Anyway, now and then, this woman will randomly send a picture of the child to my husband just out of the blue. While this is a difficult situation for me, I have remained supportive and hope one day my husband can have a relationship with his child. He has always been open and honest with me in the past and included me in the situation. However, yesterday I found out that mom had contacted him again a month ago, asking for his email so she can send
him pictures. He never mentioned any of this to me. I just happened to come across an old email with the Facebook notification that she had messages him. ( they aren't FB friends or anything like that).

I am baffled as to why he kept this a secret. And I'm really hurt and feel betrayed on some level. WTH? Why all the secrecy all of a sudden and how do I handle this??

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Amy. To answer your question: I suspect your H 'forgot' to tell you about this contact because he knew it would upset you.

However, if your gut is flagging you, I would put a keylogger on the computer he uses to ensure that these emails don't escalate past the simple sharing of an occasional photo.

I would also suggest that the two of you share an email account as well as a Facebook account, and make it clear that you're both owners. ex: timandlisa@aol.com, etc.

I'm sorry to see you go through this, Amy, but I hope you get the comfort you need from this site. I know I sure do.

In my case, I'm a married woman who got preggie by an OM. OM wasn't married, so there was no other family to worry about but my own. Needless to say, my BH and I are still together and fighting to keep OM away, to protect our child and our marriage. It's far better to keep ex-affair partners as far away as possible.

While it would be "nice" for your H to get to know his child, let me just warn you that it could put a huge strain on your marriage--potentially destroy it. Plus, she could go after him for back child support, which could add even more tension. And I have to wonder why OW is trying so hard to force an attachment btw your H and the child... I have a feeling her motives are less than pure.

My advice: Right now your BH has very little attachment to the child. There's no reason to start now when so much is at stake. If your BH still wants to know OC when the child is 18, then great. He can start a relationship when he doesn't have to go through OW and he won't be legally responsible for cs. He can also explain things better to the OC when OC is older. He should be aware that every contact from OW could instigate a child support claim. So how do you get rid of OW?

1. Change your number.
2. Change your e-mail address.
3. Block her on FB.
4. Consider having H write a no contact letter. (This one you could get advice from more knowledgable MB gurus than myself; I'm still a newbie.)

Make sure there is no way for her to contact him and make it clear that this is not about the child but about OW.

I hope this helps, Amy. I've gone through a huge battle to protect my family, and I'd hate to see your H let OW in and as a result destroy his life. It's what OM is trying to do to us and I'd hate to see anyone else have to go through something so painful.

Thank you guys!!!

You have no earthly idea the world of hell you would bring upon yourself if you encourage contact. This will likely evolve into an affair which would spell the death of your marriage. I would strongly urge you to persuade him to back away from this. I suspect he feels guilty about this, but doen't know how to back out of this. I would help him with this, because you cannot imagine the nightmare you are inviting into lives by encouraging contact. Protect your marriage at all costs, apatheticamy.

Amy, I am glad you've found your way here.
I can only add to the excellent advice you've received as you've attracted the attention of some very knowledgable and dedicated folks. I encourage you to learn as much as you can about Marriage Builders and the philosophy we all share, discuss, and try to implement. It's at the very least an excellent framework to use when constructing a strong marriage which can weather the storm of adultery/other children/potential situations like Melody outlines above.
Learn, post and read. Gain the tools to help guide your husband through this potentially damaging episode. AS you can see there are people willing to help those with sincere questions. You won't regret the time you spend here.

optimism

2 questions:

1. Were his parental rights terminated?
2. Did you ask him why he didn't mention the contact to you?