Yes. Additionally, the best revenge you can get on the OW is to do everything you can to MAKE it work. Want to get the other person back? Show them you care so much more for your spouse that you are willing to lay your own life down for them even when they didn't do it for you. Love has no greater gift than this: That a man/woman lay his life down for their friend.

Not easy, but rewarding. It is in the fire of the forges that true love is crafted, relationships that stand the test of time are built and true marriages are formed.

Be comforted. Your feelings are normal, and expect them to fluctuate. Keep in mind that the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. If you didn't love your husband, you wouldn't be hurt, confused or angry. you simply wouldn't care. It's not a matter of determining whether or not you love your husband anymore, but rather, how much, and can you (do you) want to build off that.

CV

thank you thank you thank you
Positive day today. have been model wife. No nasty comments although I have been tempted. talked about moving away. really believe he is trying and that there is def NC but still battling with being so *loody nice to someone who has *crewed my best friend. will try as hard as possible to win the BAFTA.

What is your answer to my question about the coaching?

Have you read the article? Have you looked at the video and listened to a programme?

I doubt very much that you have done all those things, so set aside a time to do them. Are you at home while your kids are at school? Can you watch the video tomorrow morning? Can you listen to the radio show while you tidy up in the kitchen after everyone leaves the house tomorrow?

I have started LB - it is very good.

I have watched the video too and ordered another booking from the MB website.

I have read the article.

coaching - I would love this and don;t care about the money - would just like my marriage to be back on track and thriving....not sure they would coach us in the UK though.

xx

Of course they would! They coach people all over the world! They have definitely coached people from the UK during my time on this site.That is what telephones are for; to allow us to speak to anybody anywhere in the world!

They are something like 5 hours behind us, so it would simply be a matter of booking a call that took place in the morning or early afternoon for them and in the afternoon or evening for you.

You can use a conferencing facility that allows you to call a UK number to speak to them, so you will not be racking up an international phone bill. I don't know how this is done, but I believe the Harleys know.

There is a link to the "counseling center" at the top of every page in the red area, and to the "coaching center" at the bottom. I don't know why the links have two different names; they are to the same place. Click and book yourself a call!

Thank you for the advice.
Had counseling today. It was quite useful.
Did the emotional needs q'naire and went through it before we went; it helped focus us I think. Sadly there was some pretty fundamental information that may prove problematic. He doesn't need affection and is happy to have it once per week (although loved it from OW and gave it loads); I rate affection as a 5!!!! He has told me that he doesn't like my affection and feels it suffocates him. I always thought that he would want the affection, attention and admiration but it seems that this is not important to him. However me ensuring that I am waxed regularly have make up on is important to him.....
He also says that sex is 5/6 for him and is only 3 for me. What I need him to understand is that if I do not get the affection, I will not want sex. Trying to find a route forward but his revelations are making me like him even less.

Hi AEK,

It is perfectly NORMAL for you and your spouse to have opposing emotional needs. This is what the book His Needs Her Needs (HNHN) is all about. It explains that men and women have opposing emotional needs and that is why marriage is so difficult... because we each have different needs and do not understand why our spouse does not like the same things we like. I would suggest that you order the book HNHN and at least read the first few chapters, which are all about women's need for affection and men's need for sexual fulfillment and how those two things are intertwined. It was very enlightening for me and my WH...worked wonders for our sex life too.

You may also find this link helpful:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

As stated by Dr. Harley in the link above, whenever couples list their needs according to what they needed most, men and women always listed their needs the opposite way..."Of the 10 emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice-versa."

That's useful and encouraging to know!!!!!

OWH has spread a rummour that my H has had an A before.....how do I found out if this is true. He has denied it like crazy but how do I know for SURE?

Schedule a lie detector test for your H. Tell him a day or two before the test that you scheduled it and expect him to pass. Tell him the questions that will be asked. He will likely spill his guts before the test.

But surely I am meant to being the perfect wife and trusting him totally.

He swears on the kids lives that nothing has happened before. I do believe him.

Trust has nothing to do with being a perfect wife. He has to earn your trust.

No-one on this site every said anything to you about trusting him at all, and in fact Dr Harley says the opposite.

He says that spouses should not trust each other. They need to see good barriers against affairs, and openness and transparency in their lives all the times, even in very happy marriages. Dr Harley writes that he does not totally trust his wife Joyce, nor she him. They trust each other as far as they can see each other behaving in a trustworthy, open fashion.

Why would you trust someone who had just shown himself to be untrustworthy over a period of more than a year? Nobody would ask you to do that! That would be madness!

My H swore on our daughters lives that he did not have sex with OW (read my thread: "Betrayed Again"), but when I scheduled the lie detector test he finally admitted that they DID have sex. Waywards will lie lie lie.

Not sure what to do...think suggesting a lie detector test would blow all the good work over the last few days up. Scared that my instincts could be wrong. They have to stop lying one day - why wouldn't it be about this?

Yes, it might cause some friction, but your H needs to understand that you cannot believe a word he says right now because HE lied to you. This is on him, not you.

On the other hand, you have to decide how much you want to know. Will knowing this information be too overwhelming for you right now? If so, then put off the lie detector until you are a little stronger. Whether you know about other affairs now or later doesn't really change the situation very much IMO. Your H is still a wayward and the recovery plan would still be the same.

You need to make it clear to your WH that there will be some heavy lifting required to recover from this. Don't make the mistake of getting back to 'business as usual' with your marriage. If you need to require a poly in order to know you've got the truth and in order to feel safe, tell your WH that.

It's just another thing he's going to have to deal with in the course of rebuilding the marriage he damaged.

Dear AEK:



That day can be a long time in coming.

It took me 22 years to find out the truth about my husband's first affair, 15 years to find out about a ONS I never knew about or suspected and 5 years to find out the truth about his second affair.

We counseled with Jennifer after his last affair. (At the time, I thought it was an EA when it was actually a PA). He lied to her and she believed him.

I believed him, too, and even went to therapy for over a year to work on "my" issues with trust.

I wish I had gotten a polygraph immediately.

There is still one in our future.

BV

A polygraph won't undo any good work, it will bring the truth out. If that upsets your H then his reaction should tell you something is very wrong. Your H should be willing to do whatever it takes to establish his truthfulness and give you some peace of mind.

I would schedule the polygraph and then tell him 2 days ahead of time. When you tell him hand him a list of questions and tell him he has one last chance to come clean but that he had better pass the test.

He won't stop lying unless you press him on this. Like Brokenvase pointed out, we have had waywards who lied for YEARS and YEARS. They would look their BS in the eye and swear on a Bible they were telling the truth. And they were lying. Help your H get over his lying habit by scheduling a polygraph. It will help restore the trust in your marriage.