Don't help him pull the wool over everyone's eyes, Riki. Make it very clear to him that you will not be friends with him. Tell him that you will not accept another person in your marriage and life. He needs to shut HER out of his life.

So have been practicing Plan A. Exposing and I can see it pressuring WS. He is now talking about getting IC. Still will not give her up and still plans on moving out June 1st, but is looking for a month to month lease. The OW is beginning to put demands and expectations on him. She got mad that he attended a social event with me (I saw a text that took a passive agressive swipe at me) and then didn't contact her for 3 hours. 4 texts and a call each whining that getting more and more angry. WS told his brother they got into a fight earlier this week. So Dr. Harley's strategy is for women to do Plan A for three weeks right?

That would correspond to going Plan B about the time he moves out. I've began to search for an IM. I'm continuing to expose and prep for plan B. Any thoughts from anyone?

Good job hanging in there, sit back and watch things fall apart in fantasy land, do anything and everything to throw a wedge between them.......
Be the soft place for him to land, he will soon see that the grass he thinks is greener is just grass..........
Keep putting your plan together for Plan B, find a good IM and stay strong in your bigger plan, don't let what he is doing and saying now throw you off. They are fools while they are in affair land, but they all come to their senses when they have time to really weigh out all the facts ..........
I think you are doing a great job so far.
keep posting here for your support and next step the vets are great you are in good hands.........
jessi

Oh, and the OW H won't return my calls (I'm sure he thinks I'm a bill collector). So how is this communication via mail.

Dear OW H.

I regret to inform you that your wife and my husband are having an affair which began in November. While I do not know the state of your marriage, I'm interested in keeping my family intact and ending this infidelity.

I do have proof of the affair should you need to validate the truth to this revelation. You can contact me at ###-###-####.

Thank you.
Name


I would prefer to be able to talk to him, but he is not returning my calls to his work I'm sure because of their financial struggles.

I would continue to try to find him. Does the OW have a facebook page? If so, expose to her facebook contacts. Expose to her family. Do they work together? If so, expose to the workplace.

And in the meantime, continue planning to go into Plan B. Ask him to make plans to move out and help him pack.

Does anyone have a link to the PBL info? My book has not arrived yet. Thanks in advance.

Also, I've read where some stayed longer in Plan A. Do you judge when to go to plan B when you have just had enough?

Generally speaking, Plan A should last about 3 to 4 weeks for a woman to be safe. Women don't get much out of Plan A because it is not attractive for a BW to compete for her H. It just isn't that effective and rather tends to have the effect of wearing her out emotionally and physically. It is usually a mistake to prolong Plan A because it causes more problems.

Dr. Harley says it's better to go into Plan B a little bit before you are ready. Especially for a woman. This is for your protection, for your health, and to maximize the chance of recovering your marriage some day.

I've heard Dr. Harley encourage men, in some circumstances, to Plan A for longer than he typically recommends. But never for women.

Well drat. I love busted last night. I just couldn't help it. WS and I were talking about finances and who would have what kind of budget. He just will not accept responsibility and cannot communicate. I stayed calm for most of it, but then I brought up things like property taxes etc. and he just looked at me with this blank stare and said "I didn't think about that."

I don't know why I was surprised. He's in the fog and not thinking, but I got scared and lashed out at him. It ended with me saying I needed to give him space and I need some too so I left to go for a drive.

From his perspective he says I can't have it both ways, control the money and not be responsible for everything, he just couldn't understand that I'm not going to control his money FOR him, but somebody has to write somebody a check every month and I'm not willing to be on the receiving end of that arrangement. He just couldn't grasp that I was asking him to man up and BE responsible for his 1/2 of financial issues. He just wants an allowance. I told him I was not his mommy and he is the one choosing her. Therefore, I'm no longer his caretaker.

I know, I really blew it. Feeling so sad today that I'm shaking and that is even doubling my ADs.

Did you expose the affair to the OWH and to the OW's facebook friends?

She shut down her facebook and I'm sending the letter to OWH today.

Send it certified so he has to sign for it. You don't want OW getting to it first. If she does he'll never see it.

Yes, I'm sending it to his work.

Does this sound like an ok letter?

Dear OW H.

I regret to inform you that your wife and my husband are having an affair which began in November. While I do not know the state of your marriage, I'm interested in keeping my family intact and ending this infidelity.

I do have proof of the affair should you need to validate the truth to this revelation. You can contact me at ###-###-####.

Thank you.
Name


Some success, my BIL agreed to be my IM.

Did you copy and save her fb contacts? Can you find her parents and family members?

Riki, I am getting very concerned, because I see little affair busting action going on here. Rather, you spend alot of time posting meaningless conversations with your wayward husband. That won't save your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, your focus needs to be on busting up this affair.

If you want to turn this around, you are going to have to get more pro-active. Don't focus on his words, focus on raising hell in his affair.

I didn't think to copy her facebook friends before she took it down. From what I know her mother lives in Singapore. I'm hoping the OWH contacts me after he receives the letter. Then I can expose more on her end by finding out more. I'm trying to find out how I can put spyware on his password protected phone. It's like these people don't exist on the internet.

WS has been getting hell from his family and friends for the last three days. His mother is going to take another go around at him. I exposed to our neighbors yesterday. What's left would be his work and he may get fired over it and I have a kid in college to pay for. There is my fear with the work exposure. I should probably go to the CFO to get a real picture of the retirement benefits anyway and he is a friend, but he's been married 3 times.

I know the conversations are meaningless and irrelevant to the larger picture, but I do come to vent and for support here to shore me up when I'm feeling lowly. Thanks for hanging in with me.

Riki, let's punch this up a little, shall we? I get requests for magazine subscriptions with more zest than this, sweetie.

Dear OWH,

My name is Rikitikitavi Smith. I am so sorry to have to inform you of this terrible thing via a letter, but I have been unable to contact you personally to inform you that your wife SkankyHo has been involved in an adulterous affair with my husband IdiotBoy.

This affair began in November, 2010. I discovered evidence of the affair on March 6, 2011. I have this proof and will provide it to you if you wish to see it.

My two children and I have been devastated by this horrible affair. I am writing to you to beg you to help me end this affair between our spouses. I love my husband and my family and am trying to do whatever I can to keep my marriage together. I hope you feel the same way about yours.

Please contact me at XXX_XXX_XXXX.

Sincerely,
Rikitikitavi