I just learned the OM is back in our picture. I will try to describe what has happened since February.
1. OM breaks off relationship with my wife. Sent letter to me, her and his wife that he would no longer contact my wife and would work on his marriage. My wife sent a similar letter.

2. In early april, my wife complains that she's way too irritable with me and requests that I move out for 4 weeks so we could "work on ourselves".

3.Last week, wife shows me email from OM's wife. OM is leaving his wife because he is "in love" with my wife. He lives out of state and will be moving to another state(not ours). My wife says they will be talking because her gut is telling her so. She also stressed that she wants to be honest with me. However, as I questioned her, she tells me the two of them have spoken off and on over the last month or so.

I am very dissapointed to say the least. She's convinced she's triied to work on our marriage, but she fails to realize she never put the OM in the distant past. She also told him during one of their conversations, that she shouldn't speak with him while he was with his wife. Looks like she gave him a reason or window to leave if you know what I mean.
She gets angry because I don't tell her my feelings or thoughts anymore. Duh! I think I'm in another round of shock and I just don't want to keep putting my heart out there to be stepped on again.
There's kids involved and I see my therapist Thursday. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. And keep them as rational as possible please!

1.) NUCLEAR EXPOSURE is needed, NOW. Even if you exposed before, expose again, especially to your WW's family and friends. Also contact OMs W to make sure the story you are being told is true.

2.) Read up on and get into Plan B ASAP. This will throw cold water onto your WW's perception of an "amicable D" when she realizes she's going to have to fully support herself and not have you meeting even ONE of her ENs.

You have a shot at saving this but what I've outlined above is the only way, IMO, and you must do it VERY SOON.

You realize that any reference to the WS wanting to be alone means that there has been ongoing contact, right? Just checking since you included the part about your W telling you something about contact last week and she's being honest with you.

I would reexpose this far and wide and get yourself ready to go to Plan B.

I am sorry, stillwater. If you two attempt R again, make sure you have put EPs such as changing all numbers emails and closing all social networking and super sleuthing in place because it, again, sounds like NC was never really established.

((stillwater))

stillwater, I am so sorry to hear this. I would make a concerted effort to run off this OM for good. Have you exposed the affair? Have you spoken to the OM's wife?

There is much you can do to kill this affair. If you can kill the affair, there is a good chance you can save your marriage.

Plan B Cliff Notes HERE.

Susie is correct, NC was never established. She had you move out to carry on her A. NEVER do that again. SHE moves out,not you.

DID YOU MOVE OUT??

Did you actually move out?

If you did, you need to move back. Into the master bedroom. Today. With no warning or heads-up to WW.

Did you follow ANY of the advice we gave you before?

stillwater, do you recognize the urgency here?

Everyone is telling the same path to follow and that it must be done QUICKLY.

You can expose today and you can go into Plan B within 1-2 days but you need to work quickly.

Use your head and not your heart in following this plan. When I found out we'd been in a FR (False Recovery), the plan I outlined for you above is exactly what I did and we are in a fantastic recovery.

Chop-chop, brother.

HOPE is not a plan.

You have nothing to lose by following the MB Plan. The stillwater plan did not work the first time and the likelihood of it working this time is just about nil.

Agree with others -- If you moved out, get your butt back home double time!!!

and EXPOSE!!!

Definitely call OMW and let her know about all the contact you know about -- the two of you need to compare notes.

Talk to us -- Did you expose this affair the first time? Tell us who you exposed to and how that went down -- what did you say? how did you expose? Give us details so we can help you devise a proper plan.

Mrs. W

Thanks Married Forever. That's the direction I plan to go. Plan B. I live in Texas too, so I wasn't sure if I need to pursue an official seperation and when I should do this. How long should I give my wife to try to "wake up"?

Oh. And yes, the affair was exposed back in October. It "ended"in February and my guess is the OM couldn't deal with the pain very long and started contacting my wife. Or vice versa. It seems the wife knows that he wants back with my wife because the email was sent from her, but I could always contact her to know for sure.

Hang on a sec, still - you've got to bring us up to speed.

Did you move out?

Have you re-exposed?

Have you made it clear to your WW that your children won't be leaving with her? That this will not be a friendly divorce?

ITA with everyone else. NC was not established here.

Please tell us what you've actually done to try to recover your M.

Re-expose and go NUCLEAR this time. That is what I did and the A ended THAT DAY. Please do not give excuses or wimp out on this.

You don't need to give her anytime to "figure this out". She's had more than enough time. She never ended the A for any length of time.

Nuclear exposure and Plan B is what she needs to "figure this out". Please trust me, I have been in your exact position. If I had not followed the advice here I would probably be divorced.

Married Forever- I really want to follow your advice and I agree it's a solid plan. But how is going NUCLEAR going to improve my chances? Look, I'm not a "wimp" by any means and I've tried to follow the most reasonable path possible. The affai did die at one point. My failure was to make sure contact was totally cut-off. But regardless, I have not lost control of the situation. So yes, I will be sending her packing but will do so with a calm level head.

This was stillwater's answer to the exposure question back in January of this year:


That sounds VERY WEAK, stillwater -- You need to make some WAVES. YOU need to be the one to expose this affair. You said "her family knows" --- HOW do they know? Did you tell them? What did you say?

Did you expose to OM's parents and let them know what their son was doing to destroy your family? Did you ask them to HELP you by using their influence with their son to get him to STOP interfering in your marriage? Did you ask them to help your children by getting their son to back off?

Did you confront OM and tell him to back the hell off?

Did you do facebook exposure?

My guess is no. stillwater, do you want to save your marriage and family?

If the answer is yes, will you now listen and follow the advice you are given here?

If you don't want help, but only empathy, just say that. We'd appreciate knowing what you are trying to do here.

Mrs. W

And "reasonable" and a "calm level head" has helped your situation how?

Going nuclear will blow up the affair -- it will KILL IT -- the affair is a terrorist -- does calmness and reason work with terrorists, stillwater?

Mrs. W

That is not to say that exposure isn't reasonable, IT IS...That is the appropriate weapon used to fight an affair. Will you use it, is the question?

I told you this before on one of your previous threads...All the people here advising you are telling you the SAME THINGS -- and take a look at their signature lines, stillwater -- most of them say "RECOVERED MARRIAGE" -- That should appeal to your sense of logic and reason. Does it?

Mrs. W

Mrs. Wondering- If you look at what you quoted from me, you'd see I already answered if my wife's family knows. They've known for a long time. I left it up to the OM's wife to handle it on her end. I'm just a bit shocked the tone of aggression I get from thses boards. Has anyone read Dr. Farley's books? I don't remember him sounding aggressive and going psycho. Look I'm getting ideas but don't want someone's agression living vicariously through me if you know what I mean.