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SC, I saw your post over on my thread and as someone who has "been in your shoes" felt compelled to respond.
#1 - As a FWW, I very rarely feel qualified to give anyone advice beyond "Do as I say, not as I did."
#2 - Encouragement, I am happy to give. I also sometimes feel like shaking sense into people's heads, but that is generally frowned upon IRL and a bit difficult to do virtually.
#3 - Hon, if you don't want to "return to that dark place," then for God's sake, DON'T DO IT!!!! By exchanging emails with OM you are taking hits on the crack pipe. NC is FOR LIFE for a reason. You're telling people to stick to no contact, so you understand it is critical, but you are not following your own advice. Your words are empty and meaningless.
I see where you said you stopped posting on the boards b/c you perceived the advice given was too harsh. Yet, something within you complelled you to keep lurking and reading here. I think that "something" is the knowledge within yourself that what you are doing is dishonest and morally wrong.
Many times I got angry reading posts here, or (more often) posts make me cry. Yes, sometimes advice (read: THE TRUTH) is harsh. But here, unlike my experience IRL, here there are people who actually care about the institution of marriage. More specifically, they invest time and effort into helping the people who come here - both BS and WS - because THEY CARE. I'm often amazed at the sheer effort it must take for MelodyLane to post as much as she does. She is truly an advocate for marriage. She does not deserve your disrespect.
You have a BH who has committed to recovery with you. And like I said, I have walked in your shoes. My sweet H was committed to recovery too, at first, but I lied to him. I tried to trick him into staying married to me. On top of the A, the damage from all the lies I told was ultimately too much for my H. I may have lost him forever, but I'm not living a lie anymore.
Tell your BH the truth and QUIT YOUR JOB today. Or just throw in the towel and let your BH go and find a woman who will be honest with him. Follow this piece of advice, that you posted yourself:
Originally Posted by springchicken
For all you Former Waywards out there, listen to me. Don't look back. Ever. Just focus on going forward and never break no contact.
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
As a BH let me give you a pearl. Grab the longest sharpest knife in the kitchen tonight. Go to your husband and drive it deeply into his soul then twist it a few times, then repeat the action over and over again. He will be thankful you let him out of this forthcoming Pain in this fashion VS your plan.
You have a BH who has committed to recovery with you. And like I said, I have walked in your shoes. My sweet H was committed to recovery too, at first, but I lied to him. I tried to trick him into staying married to me. On top of the A, the damage from all the lies I told was ultimately too much for my H. I may have lost him forever, but I'm not living a lie anymore.
That is an excellent post, WPG. The problem she has is that her husband's committment is based on her trickery and fraud. He doesn't know she is back in contact with her OM. Just as her BH wasn't told a year ago that she was still involved with him. This poor guy is being tricked into staying with her. She has been stringing this poor man along for a very long time.
Most BS's can recover from the affair, but very few can recover from the endless lies and repeat contacts. And that is what she has done to this guy. She is so callous that she not only continues to lie to him but has continued the affair off and on all this time. That is about as cruel as it gets. This would be a knock out factor for most betrayed spouses. It would be for me. She is dangerous to her husband.
As far as her silly comments to me, I understand that since she can't address the content of my remarks, she has to resort to attack the messenger. It is a ploy to change the subject. That doesn't bother me a bit. And I appreciate the support from my fellow board members.
I will close with this simple truth: WILD HORSES COULD NOT RUN OFF A WAYWARD WHO WAS SERIOUS ABOUT RECOVERY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I will close with this simple truth: WILD HORSES COULD NOT RUN OFF A WAYWARD WHO WAS SERIOUS ABOUT RECOVERY.
I'll testify to that!
Ok, ok... I haven't tried all that hard, but I have tried pretty dang hard to run her off... and she won't go away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
WILD HORSES COULD NOT RUN OFF A WAYWARD WHO WAS SERIOUS ABOUT RECOVERY.
Childhood living is easy to do The things you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady, you know who I am, You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain Now you decided to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines, Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away...
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie, I have my freedom but I don't have much time Faith has been broken...tears must be cried, Let's do some living after we die
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
Another FWW weighing in here. You are a tremendous threat to your husbands well-being.
How very very cruel of you to do this. Simply because you are "curious" about OM? Do you not understand how easy it will be for you to be right back in the middle of the affair?
And how very clever of you to use your NEW work email address. Because now OM knows how to find you, and has new phone numbers and email addresses that your husband can't monitor.
Why can't you do your husband the kindness of just divorcing him? So he can recover and find someone who will truly care about him and take his feelings into consideration?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I know this is off topic, but I felt like sharing it, hope you enjoy it, and wonder who will understand it. Here goes..
There was a man selling his old tractor to a fellow farmer. The buyer was arguing the price, even though it was well maintained, because it was quite old, (just like the farmer ).
The Farmer said, "See my wife over there, working in the feild with my grandchildren? Well we have been together since we were young and have been through a lot of stuff, heartache and trials, mistakes and we put each other through a lot.
I wouldn't sell her for all the money in the world. but I wouldn't give you a nickel for another one just like her"
I wonder if SC can see the love and devotion and character in that statement. I sincerly hope she will someday for herself and her poor BH.
EDIT: To some that is funny and just a joke, to me it brings a tear to my eye, allways has..
Another FWW chiming in -- Although I can't see how that really matters SC, because have you noticed that FWSs and BSs alike are all saying the same things to you? Maybe you should have said "I would like only FOGGY people to post to me" because only the foggy would say the things you seem to crave.
Do you know what's missing on your side of the fence right now?
-Honesty -Extraordinary Precautions -A humble heart -Empathy -Integrity
Instead I only see:
-Selfishness -Snideness -Dishonesty -Cruelty -Lack of humility
When will you choose to stop shooting at people who are trying to help you and clean up your side of the street?
I'm embarrassed for you that you are choosing the way you are -- When will you make it right? When will you be honest with your husband? When will you come back and apologize to the people you've lashed out at here?
That is what it will take to impress me -- and I've walked in your very ugly shoes -- and I owe so much to the people here who had not walked in my very ugly shoes yet chose to help me anyway -- they sure didn't owe me diddly squat -- I am very blessed to have had their help. And they did not sugarcoat things for me either -- I was told how bad what I did was -- I was told that I was spewing bullcrap -- I am grateful they took the time to tell me -- I am grateful that I took the time to listen and consider what they were saying -- even though it was NOT pleasant -- I needed to hear it. You need to hear what is being said to you too. I hope you will listen.
LOL. Another comment from a betrayed spouse. Shocking.
I must revisit this. SC, it is really very insulting to the FWSs around here for you to assume that we will somehow see things from your current perspective. That current perspective being a WAYWARD perspective. Do you understand that the perspective of a FWS will not differ from that of a BS when it comes to adultery? A FWS HATES adultery. If they did not, they would not be a FORMER WS.
To any BS married to ?F?WS that sees adultery in a different way than you do [in other words they are not repulsed by it] -- RUN and don't look back, because you are NOT SAFE with them. They are NOT a true FWS.
