That would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person. That makes no sense and is not a part of Marriage Builders.

AEK1

Look at my signature and ask yourself how could her WH be sneaking around with the neighbor and family friend for 12 mo and she didn't know? It is because I trusted him. It was because I ignored my gut feeling and decided not to be one of those jealous wives. It was because I wanted to trust my DH.

Then ask yourself how the A could continue for ANOTHER 3 mo and once again I didn't know. It was because I thought I should trust him or we would never recover.

Trusting him only prolonged our recovery. He continued to lie because he was still in the fog and because he could (I trusted him). It had become easy for him to lie. He loved to turn it around on me and act offended when I didn't trust HIM. But really, why should I have trusted him? Because he said so?

I am not saying that you will never trust again but right now is way too early to be talking about trust. Is he being transparent with you and trying to earn your trust? If he is not doing this, it would be a red flag to me.

Big hugs.

I have told him I am considering the lie test. He is fine with that. A little surprised as this is not common in the Uk bit ok about it. Its sad isn't it that I still trust that he is not seeing her, that he loves me and that there has been no other affair. A better day yesterday... Trying not to mention the ow. The en ensure was interesting but I found some of his thing petty; he thinks I should always wear make up... How shallow is that? Ax

It just means he has a high need for an attractive spouse. That is a normal need.

I will put your WH affair(s?) aside for a moment and say that "petty" and "shallow" are strong disrespectful judgments. Belittling the needs of your spouse is an insult in marriage. How to fulfill your spouses need is a subject of POJA of course but to call your spouses need for attractive spouse shallow is something similar as to call your needs for affection childish/insecure or something.

Ok so he said he would do the test but then that would be that; marriage over. He would prove he I'd telling the truth but the. The marriage is over. I tried to explain that due to all the lies even though I wNted to believe him that the proof would help.
He does not get that.
He said he would prefer not to be treated like a prisoner! I don't ask him where he is going, I don't keep tabs on him much as he does really go out and is out of work. I would be more than happy for him to go out with the lads cycling fishing etc; it's him that makes himself the prisoner not me.
I feel low today as I feel he is clammy g me for the affair. I did things that annouyed him, he fell out of love because he did try or want to communicate. So I now feel it's all my fault. I was content he was the unhappy one.
He says the biggest issue beyond trust is falling in love again. Although he says he still loves me it's obvious that there isn't a lot left in the bank!
Not sure what to do. I am not going to beg, that's ugly. If he doesn't love my character and who I am then where do we go from here?
I have emailed mb about counselling but haven't heard back yet.
Please help.
Should we separate for a bit?
I am confused. Yesterday he said he wanted to grow old with me but today I'm not sure. Because I mentioned the lie detector test the mood has been set for the day.
He is pissed off his fun has been ruined.

Hm. Let's see, now. He was unfaithful and damaged his marriage. You want to make sure there isn't anything else you need to know, so you want to do a poly.

And HE'S saying the M is over?? He's bullying you. Either there is more that he isn't telling you, or he's trying to gain control of the recovery process. You don't want your wayward driving the recovery bus.

I am pretty sure that "after poly our marriage is over" plot is a last, desperate effort to keep you away from truth.

Even if he does not have anything more to hide (which I highly doubt), this plot means that he does not get it (what the A meant to you) at all and to continue the recovery is questionable effort anyway.

I do suggest you to follow through with the poly.

He says he is telling the truth. He has td me things that have hurt but says at least at that point he has been truthful. He is in control totally.

I have been following this thread for a few days now. AEK, my husband told me over and over that he was telling the ALL the truth. But he lied for more than a year and a half, initiated contact with OW more than 16 months after ending the A. It was only after we attended an MB weekend and started the program in earnest that he finally "got it", recognized the extent of the damage he had done with the A and the exacerbation of damage with his dishonesty following the A. He is not telling the truth. I agree he is bullyinng or gaslighting you by telling you that the M is over if you insist on a polygraph.

Also, your H's ambivelence about the marriage and his feelings for you suggest either contact of triggers. This is not the time for trust.

Finally, recon is right about the disrespectful judgments. As a BS, it is very difficult to keep our own side of the street clean. My problem was with angry outbursts. I was very resentful of my H's behavior and let him know it often. I had to control my mouth for real recovery to begin.

Bottom line: it takes two people to recover a marriage, avoid love busters and meet the spouse's emotional needs. I think counseling with the Harley's would be great for you and your H.

AM

It's not shallow at all!! It is not any more shallow than women's need for affection. He is telling you what it takes for him to fall in love. That is good!

The marriage is over anyway if you don't get the full truth. And you are not getting the full truth. He is still hiding alot, I would wager.


You must be kidding me? Being accountable to his wife makes him feel like a prisoner? What a very childish comment. Of course you should be keeping tabs on him. He is untrustworthy. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. He needs to be doing everything in his power to EARN your trust and he is doing NOTHING.

That will not work, AEK. I would let him know that if this is going to go forward you have to have the full truth and he has to account for ALL his time away. And frankly, he shouldn't be doing much of anything without you. I wouldn't agree to him going off with his friends.

AEK1

It strikes me that your H stated appearance as high on his EN since you have said that OW is overweight and very unattractive. Is he being honest with his EN or is he just "rewriting" history.

Does this seem off to anyone else ... maybe I am just reading too much into it?

I am going round in circles here. Strange but I do not believe he is hiding anything. But his comment re the lie detector has upset me. He is trying a little - he is here isn't he? He has promised no contact and I would doubt very much if he has broken this promise. But you are the VETS and I hear and trust what you say more than I do him right now.......The OW was fat but he thought she was pretty. He said he would care if I were fat if we were in love. But he has stated that I need to take even more care over my appearance. I love to send you a photo of us both - that comment makes me really angry. But I am doing everything in my power to make him fall back in love with me; not speaking about OW, not questioning about the A. Being as pleasant as possible. But I just get the feeling that he is not in love with me anymore although he said to the counselor yesterday that he was!

Why do you all think he is still hiding a lot???

Unfortunately waywards seem to follow a script, not telling the whole truth at one time is one of them, telling lies whilst in the start of recovery is another. For you it's the whole package that counts, his threats to divorce you if you insist on a polygraph are a huge red flag. What more is he not telling you?

May be a breakthrough. He has agreed to lie detector (very unusual thing to do in the UK). He has opened up a lot this evening saying he has been unhappy for 4 years. He talks to nobody. He has told nobody he was unhappy and it is hard for him - Dad died when 11 and not allowed to funeral etc. he has repeatedly shown my affection this evening and is trying really hard. I so want to believe him.....

I challenged him on this as I know he would have an issue if I was 16 stone.

Now he has agreed to the polygraph ensure you keep it handy, do some research where to have this done but do not book the session yet.

Buy him "His need her needs" and set aside a couple of hours each day for adult conversation, you decide what days are reserved for him to answer any questions you ask regarding the affair or outstanding items you wish to cover, let him know the schedule in advance.

Set a time limit as to how long you wish to question him then decide if you need to book the polygraph or if you can move forward with trust.

Maybe it is nothing ... I don't know. This just caught my attention because it sounds like he is protecting OW. My FWH did this when there was still contact with OW.

It sounds like he is moving in the right direction. Keep up the great work in your Plan A. Stand your ground on your conditions required for recovery.