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LOL. Another comment from a betrayed spouse. Shocking. You are wasting valuable board time. Why not come back when you are serious?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones. Since we are throwing around Bible verses, did you miss the part about thou shalt not commit adultery? Thou shalt not lie? I bet you weren't throwing around Bible verses when you were taking down your panties with the OM, were you? So your use of them now is a little more than hypocritical. If you want help here, SC, you are going to have to get honest. Folks here will be glad to help you, but they won't enable you. Bullsh** has a very short shelf life here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. And you should be careful about your posts and your advice. I left these boards a year ago because of your comments. They were hurtful and unhelpful. You did not help the situation, and you're not helping me now. Why are you on these boards, and please stop commenting on my posts. WPG speculated on why there were no WW posting on these boards. This is why. I specifically requested that WWs respond to my post. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones.
And you disregarded it, discounted it, and came up with excuses as to why it wasn't relevant or necessary or convenient for you. (Only to admit in your other post that it was pretty on-target.)
Following this advice, there ought to have been no way for your former affair partner to text you. He should never have had your text number, because you should have changed it long ago. OK, that's water under the bridge. It's the past & you can't undo it. What matters now is, are you going to fix it today, in order to give your marriage a better shot against tomorrow?
Recovering a marriage requires a thick skin. It requires a willingness to take a hard, cold, self-critical look at one's own actions & inactions -- choices all -- and to resolve to make better choices. It requires a willingness to learn & practice empathy with the pain that our spouses suffer when we cheat on them -- which is why the perspectives of the BSs here on these boards are so very valuable to any wayward who is truly serious about overcoming the shortcomings that led him or her to choose infidelity. It requires a certain humility -- the humility to admit to one's self, "I've made a whole sequence of [selfish/amoral/immoral/corrupt/dishonest - pick one that most suits you] choices that placed my [needs/wants/convenience] before that of others, and I need to make better choices."
Maybe you've got all of those attributes in spades -- the thick skin, the openness to introspection, the empathy, the humility. Maybe. If so, it just doesn't come across in your words here today. Not a bit. And we're not mind-readers -- your words here are all we've got to go on, so don't hold that against us.
Someone like Melody Lane has every right to cast stones at me. Back in August of 2009, she tossed a few in my direction, before I even knew enough to know it was part of what I needed. And I'm grateful for it.
But this isn't about her. Why do you post here, Spingchicken? What is it you want, if not the truth, and the best guidance regarding the best path forward, from people who've been in your shoes as well as those of your spouse? Or are you just looking for some sycophant who will validate your seat-of-the-pants, "I know best what's best for me" approach to recovering a marriage after infidelity?
You want advice from a wayward? Here's some:
(1) Tell your husband about the latest episode of mutual contact with OM.
(2) Change your text number.
Please report back once you've done (1) and (2). Until you've done those things, you'll not have done what you should do.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Chicken,
Here's some more advice. From a former bs yet again!
Hon, next time you get thrown into a tizzy because you got drunk dialed by a unscrupulous, sleazy man who wishes to bang a married woman, maybe you should consider the fact that your recovery may just not even BE a recovery. If you can't take the heat, this chicken needs to get out of the pot!
If somebody had drunk dialed me, or a man makes a pass at me (oh YES Ms. Chicken, us betrayed spouses do get eyed from time to time, we just have boundaries), it is rather offensive to me as a married woman. How you can take that possibly as a compliment is beyond me.
I think you need to go back to the very beginning of MB concepts here. And before you insult another betrayed spouse, realize this. YOUR H is a betrayed spouse, so it's like insulting him too. Ever thought of that?
You know, sometimes us (former) betrayed spouses get really sick and tired of a half a(sed attempt from a wayward at recovery. Sometimes a bs will just decide they've had enough. You ever think that maybe your sweet bh who has stood by your side one day, like another day in the future when you pick up a phone call with the drunk-dialing om on the other end, he might say he's had enough?
I say you should get serious and try to save your marriage.
Last edited by peachyisback; 05/10/11 07:20 PM.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Why would you come here, and not expect to be scolded, before recieving the healing treatment of removing the infection from between your ears?
When you played with matches and got burned, did not your Mother scold you and say, "I told you", before she cleaned the wound and bound it?
The more you fight this, the worse it will be for you.
Don't fight it, they are right and there is still some work you must do on yourself and what you find important.
The OM is an escape, you know this, and yet you allowed it. Thems the facts SC.
Now what are you going to do about it? Thats the question. If you do it halfway, thats the amount of success you will have. Time to really make a decision and stick to it like your life depended on it, it does.
Last edited by ConstantProcess; 05/10/11 07:28 PM.
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ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. And you should be careful about your posts and your advice. I left these boards a year ago because of your comments. They were hurtful and unhelpful. You did not help the situation, and you're not helping me now. Why are you on these boards, and please stop commenting on my posts. WPG speculated on why there were no WW posting on these boards. This is why. I specifically requested that WWs respond to my post. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones. So, what do you want, springchicken? Do you think a wayward is the person in the best position to advise you? Be empathetic with you? Do you think it's wise for two drunks to be staggering down the street together, supporting each other's drunkeness? Do you want a big group hug or do you want advice?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/10/11 08:31 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. And you should be careful about your posts and your advice. I left these boards a year ago because of your comments. They were hurtful and unhelpful. You did not help the situation, and you're not helping me now. Why are you on these boards, and please stop commenting on my posts. WPG speculated on why there were no WW posting on these boards. This is why. I specifically requested that WWs respond to my post. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones. springchicken, get over your entitlement mentality and get honest with yourself. You left these boards because the heat of Truth was more than you wanted to deal with. MelodyLane's comments were direct, concise and pulled no punches. You weren't able to withstand the scrutiny in your wayward state, so you bailed to escape the heat. We know waywards, here. We know betrayeds. We don't coddle either one, and we want to help both. If you were to spend any time here at all you would quickly realize that. Unfortunately, you obviously are gripped by your waywardness and aren't open to education. But I hear that MelodyLane is really cool about posting to people who have told her to take a hike and then came back later, admitting that their way wasn't The Way and asking for help. So I don't think she'll put you on Ignore.  Lucky you.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The best advice we can give you is to tell your husband what you have done to him ............AGAIN.... This is excellent advice ... So are you actually going to do it? Or just keep insulting the kind person who gave it to you? BTW, I'm NOT a BS.
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I asked you this earlier: Have you told your BH about the renewed contact and the extent of it? Is there some reason you're not answering that simple question? What do you want here?
Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
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springchicken, I am a FWW. I will state this briefly:
I would be honored to have MelodyLane in my corner in any sort of fight. In my years on the board, her integrity and clearcut sense of right and wrong has yet to steer anyone astray.
You would do well to heed her advice, as well as take to heart the words of other betrayed spouses. They are doing you a tremendous favor by sharing their experiences and insight with you. If you truly want to recover your marriage, you have a valuable glimpse into what you are putting your BH through.
If empathy for the situation you have put your BH in does not sway you, think of yourself. People are judged by their actions, and right now, you are most certainly not acting honorably or with any sort of respect for yourself. Believe me, neither did I back in 2008. But you can change that. And you can change how you view yourself, how others view you, how you view your marriage: with the respect, commitment, loyalty, and protection they all deserve.
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Good grief, SC, I am looking back through this thread and you tried the "walk in my shoes" line the first time around. Here's a FWS response for you: SC, you said you wanted to hear from FWW's who have walked in your shoes AND come out the other side. So here's who you listen to: someone who has actually done the walking and isn't shuffling around on the wrong side. If I am an alcoholic who wants help, I don't need to spend my time at a bar hearing about how all the other alcoholics knows how I feel. I need people around me who are ACTUALLY RECIVERING!
People like Mrs. W are on the other side. She KNOWS how to get there. THAT is who you need to listen to. And the other people here who have recovered, BS's and FWS's, they know how to get there because they have actually done it. Please listen to them.
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Here is more FWS advice that you have already received, still applies: STEP 2) NO CONTACT
This has been kicked around so much on this thread because it has NOT happened yet, RIGHT?
1) HONESTY
2) NO CONTACT
The honesty will naturally cause STEP 2 to occur easily�.
The obvious thing in both of these steps is that Dr. Harley�s Program still hasn�t kicked in yet.
So����.
STEP 3) Read and study Dr. Harley�s program and come to this forum for help.
This step is useless until you complete STEP 1 & 2
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More FWS advice you have already been given, still applies: Whoa - that was quite a lecture! Slow down - realize that many of the folks posting to you have been here a LONG time & have acquired a vast amount of knowledge about adultery in that time - They are either BSs or FWSs - Each of those kind of people understand perfectly where you are right now - I hate to tell you this, but "the wayward perspective" is not one bit unique and it sure isn't helpful for anyone with a wayward perspective to post to you...A FWS is a whole different person - Many of them, myself included at times, will hit you HARDER with 2x4s than any BS here - WHY? Because we KNOW how bad you are screwing up, and it sickens us, and yes angers us at times as well...
Anyway, something you need to hear, imo - GET HUMBLE - Realize that NO ONE here "owes" you their time, but many are choosing to give it to you - FREE - Instead of "lecturing" them, why not thank them - realize you aren't entitled to their help AND that right now, you are in no position to decide who knows what here - YOU are the one in crisis - YOU are the one trying to keep your head above water - Most of the people that are posting to you have already overcome their crises - they hold the life preserver that you need - Your choices are yours, I can't make you do any of that obviously, but I can tell you that if I were you, I'd not shoot at the rescue 'copters...I found that the posts that angered me the most when I first came here, ended up being the most helpful ones - I couldn't see that at the time because I was foggy - but those posts - the hard hitting ones - the ones filled with unpleasant truths? Those are the ones that helped clear my fog...
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Amen to that. Reminds me our relationship with God. A Pastor explained it like this.."Even if your kids mis-behave you still feed them right?" Besides, like His word and countanence, that he is not offended by us yet pitys us and still pulls us back from the edge of the cliff. I doubt that your reaction will effect those that reach out and give us the truth. I would think about this a little before you respond. BTW Mel thanks for pointing out that this poster and her issues. I hope we can still help her and her BH recover gloriously, but that will be up to her and she can own a recovered marrige then instaed of a broken one, as soon as she admits she needs help and will listen. ((Mel))
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ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. Actually, she speaks from the perspective of a marriage advocate. Duh 
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ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. And you should be careful about your posts and your advice. I left these boards a year ago because of your comments. They were hurtful and unhelpful. You did not help the situation, and you're not helping me now. Why are you on these boards, and please stop commenting on my posts. WPG speculated on why there were no WW posting on these boards. This is why. I specifically requested that WWs respond to my post. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones. Is she? Is that all she is? I can tell you that in my short time here that I have seen spurts and leaks from Mel that tells me that she is a woman who has overcome a TON of her own personal shortcomings. It can't be summed up in two letters.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Is she? Is that all she is?
I can tell you that in my short time here that I have seen spurts and leaks from Mel that tells me that she is a woman who has overcome a TON of her own personal shortcomings. .. ITA, but SC wants someone to climb down into the pit she is in, and she can't appreciate the solid kick in the but trying to help her out of it. What makes SC so different from any of us? Why is she different? Shes not, except in her own head. SC can imagine she is different, and deserves special attention, but she can also come down to earth and join the rest of us lowly humans who need the occasional "rectal cranium removal" operation. Ok, bottom line, and I think mel will agree with me, is that we help her and stand for marriage on this site. Mel doesn't really need us to support her, she has the truth doing that. Like all parents, and dare I say God himself, the teachings of this place help so many people expotentially that they probably will never know how much trouble that they have avoided once they listen. Its when we see it the trouble, and know we did it, that we come down to dealing with our blindness. Many times going out and doing it our way, only to come back again for healing when we find our way doesn't work. SC must still need a lesson in this, and its sad really she is in the place she is, although the consequences will not have any pity on her, they never do. She needs to respect the authority of this place and the people who represent it before she gets any help. Geez what happened to people that they don't realize that those that address our mistakes directly are doing us a favor by putting us back on the road to recovery quickly? How long do they really think they have in this life to screw around?
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Springchicken, You said ML--no disrespect, but you are a BS. And you speak from the perspective a BS. And you should be careful about your posts and your advice. I left these boards a year ago because of your comments. They were hurtful and unhelpful. You did not help the situation, and you're not helping me now. Why are you on these boards, and please stop commenting on my posts. WPG speculated on why there were no WW posting on these boards. This is why. I specifically requested that WWs respond to my post. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no business casting stones. Here is some advice that all WS's like to hear. Divorce your H and go to the OM, I am sure he is much better than your H and I am sure he will treat you with the respect you are due. How is that? You feel better now, I have validated you allowing the OM back into your life and your marriage. Further, I am agreeing with you, that you have made an excellent choice in men when you selected OM to replace your H. Am I doing good so far? Now the advice is over, and I will take this opportunity to tell you a few facts that even you cannot dispute. You are a loser. You are a liar. You are a cheater. You have no empathy. And you clearly have no idea what love is. Good luck refuting those FACTS. Oh! I forgot one...YOU ARE A FOOL. You are blaming the messanger for your own failures. Take the advice or don't but doing it your way has worked well so far right? I truly mean this next statement because you truly need it. God Bless, JL PS: A dumb man never learns from his mistakes. A smart man learns from his mistakes and a Wise man learns from others mistakes.
Last edited by Just Learning; 05/11/11 12:00 AM.
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spingchicken,
You came here for help now stay and get that, you made a mistake the first time not putting what you needed to do in place and you had contact a few times.....change the # and start again, you have learned that you can't have any contact or you are right back where you started.......
We all know it is tough to do the right thing, but this is your chance to set the bar for yourself, you can't feel right about what you did, your parents didn't raise you to think this way.........
Every marriage needs a hero, take that role and make yourself and your husband the happiest you have ever been........
The vets on the board here are amazing they know what works and don't doubt it that they care about you and your family, they give up a lot of their time trying to get waywards and betrayed spouses back to a loving life, a life of integrity and honesty..................even if your marriage doesnt' survive you can learn to be the person I'm sure you really want to be.............your family needs you, don't leave and throw it all away...........
We all have to take the 2x4's that come with this kind of thinking, get tougher and stand up and be the best woman you can be for your family......
I think you know the facts, stop making excuses and justifications and start being honest.......learn, change and love your husband like you promised.
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I've skimmed this thread and I have the following observation.
SC, if the advice you are getting here is so bad, share the facts of the situation with your husband, the advice that the gathered group has shared and why you think it's bad advice and how your plan is much better.
If your husband agrees, great, you are on your way to having the marriage both you and he dream about.
If not, then perhaps the advice you are getting here is better than you originally thought.
If you are not willing to share the truth and the advice given, you have to ask yourself why you don't love your husband enough to be 100% open and honest with him.
Being wayward is not just about the affair. In fact, that's actually only a symptom. The problem is deception. As long as you lie, even if "only" by omission, it's still deception.
Deception is the biggest killer, not the affair.
As long as you continue to deceive yourself in your current manner of thinking and continue to deceive your husband by not being 100% open and honest, you and you alone are destroying yourself and your family.
You can argue against the advice. But the facts are still what they are, deception is betrayal. Therefore, as long as you are not 100% open and honest with your husband, you are still betraying him.
Even if you are not having sex with this guy, you are still deceiving your husband and therefore still wayward.
Your wayward ways end ONLY when you are consistently 100% open and honest with your husband. You have been given advice on how to accomplish that goal. Not only do you refuse the advice, but you reject the idea.
No secrets.
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