Samantha-MI<P>I thought and still know there are a few who have suffered longer than I have. Many of my W's affairs were simultaneous after she started the first one. She still is treating me like crap but slowing getting better. I attribute it to the sexual abuse and lack of support from her mother(I think she told her mother who did nothing about it.) I have been reading Biblical pamphlets that say it is very difficult for sexual abuse victims to trust particularly after they feel (though sometimes unwarrated) you have betrayed them. I feel my wife is still in a fantasy land because she doesn't trust me because I startted checking up on her butt once she started showing signs for the 8 that I am aware of. Thank you ofr this post. I know God will end it one day. I can only pray our boys are observing my behavior well since she let them know also about 3 years ago.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Heres mine,<BR> 1. betrayed<BR> 2. lasted over two years,he said it ended in<BR> april 99.<BR> 3. they met on the internet <BR> 4. he was 35, she was 35 and I was 33.<BR> 5. she called me on may 27th ,99 and then sent package containing emails,letters, cards,and picts my husband had sent her on May 28, I confronted him on may 29 and asked him to leave may 31st.<BR> 6. he moved back home july 4th and we are<BR> trying to work it out now. Sometimes I feel like just giving up and running away, she still calls me at work and she calls his mothers house and she probably still calls my husband at work too, but he says he doesnt talk to her.The rough spots last way too long.<BR> <P>

Here are my statistics:<P>1. Betrayed by Husband<P>2. I think about 2 years...or more<P>3. She works for my husband in a service<BR> oriented business (Her last day at<BR> work is tomorrow)<P>4. Betrayer is 49, OW is 39, I am 39<BR> (he obviously goes for younger women)<P>5. I discovered all this the first week<BR> of September of this year.<P>6. He says its over, he agreed and she<BR> agreed to leave our place (we own<BR> it together but I (obviously) don't work<BR> there. He says its over but...I no<BR> longer trust him and everything he says<BR> is "doubtful". They both have "mondays"<BR> off to meet, while I am at work....I am<BR> hoping she will get another job where <BR> they will make her work on Mondays...<BR> otherwise, I may hire a P.I. somewhere<BR> down the road to find out how truthful<BR> he really is...

i am the betrayed.<BR>i am 35, he is 36, she was 36.<P>they met at his day job at a nursing home. he was a bivocational church planter at the time. she wanted him to preform her wedding. they started talking at break times for "prmarital counseling". the affair lasted 4.5 years on and off.<P>discovery was in jan 99. at that point we separated for 26 days. we have been and are in counseling. in july i found out the whole story (at discovery he said they only "didit twice"). in july she had a baby that may be my husbands. we were going to adopt it, she changed her mind, the dna test is in jan 00.<P>current status: we have been in recovery since jan.24. he is happy and madly in love with me and hopeful of total healing and rebuilding. i am hopeless and am still in the "i can't believe this" stage since july. this discovery re-discovery thing has been torture.<BR>i am committed to this marriage for the sake of my children, and while i do like him, i don't believe true healing is possible with an "affair" of this legnth. but we are trusting God and living together nicely.<P>by the way, he changed jobs since discovery, and had quit the ministry the week before they actually had sex.<P>are there any happy endings?<P>is there another word besides affair? like luvmurder or luvocide or bloodbath or marriageabortion?? affair sounds like a party.

Ok, I am game...<BR>Betrayed<BR>started July 97<BR>On the internet<BR>I am 45, he is 47, OW is 32<BR>Discovered the first Time - Jan 98, husband told me he ended it, but it contimued and 2nd discovery April 99 ( his BD)<BR>Have been separated since July 99, In process of divorce. H could not forget OW, even though she will not commit and leave her H. Shows how much I meant to him!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P>

Begin by saying that we "seem" to be in a healthy, loving recovery. <P>I am the betrayed.<BR>H met OW several years ago (maybe 5) when sailing off the shores of Hawaii. Affair began in Nov. 1996, when she approached him with another mutual friend to go out to dinner. She got drunk and "was all over him". He told her if she was still interested the next day when she sobered up to give him a call. Neither one confessed to each other, that they were married (or so they say. She called back, met him for a long walk on the beach and the affair (emotional) began then. Got physical in Feb. 1997, after they both had aids test declairing themselves clean! He joined her for a little vacation in Peru (told me he was working over time!)<P>I discovered cards from her in Feb. 1999, a week before Valentine's day. So that makes the affair over 2 years long! He confessed all and agreed to end it with her almost immediately (think it was starting to be a lot of trouble and was about to run it's course anyway) Last contact, that I know of, was July 5th, when I talked to her and was assured by her, that she no longer wanted anything to do with him. She was afraid I would spill the beans (pictures, in this case) to her H.<P>Affair began when my H was 40, OW was 43 and so was I. Her B-day is 2 days before mine!<P>Current Stattus...<BR>We had made a lot of progress in improving our marriage in 1998, before I knew of OW, due largely to my efforts. I was making "deposits" due to some lifestyle and communication changes I started, hoping to improve our marriage. Had noticed a lot of meaness, irriability and dissatisfaction from his side (did not associate his actions with an affair, duh!) so was trying to make some changes. Our love had regained enought momentum by "discovery" that the desire was strongly there, on both our parts, to survive this and come out stronger, happier and healthier, WITH EACH OTHER. We have been having a real good time together and seem to be more united than ever. The first 3 months were HELL tho, and I still don't trust him. Prob. never will. But I love him more than I can ever say. By his actions toward me, I think he is pretty happy with me now, too.<BR>(He did get me some nice perfume for my anniversary, a week late and after I had reminded him, but he gave it to me in a real nice way, so I let that one pass )<P>Now, is that better?<BR>It can happen.<P>Beth

CutieP, Samantha, Pilots Wife:<P>It seems that we have more to be grateful for than I would have thought. Those of you who believe in prayer, perhaps we should be praying for these other folks who don't see as much hope for their situation?<P><P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

1. betrayer<BR>2. 18mos.<BR>3. aol<BR>4. im 38 <BR>5. apx. july 7, affair ended aug. 31 (thank God!)<BR>6. Affair ended. now trying to reconcie with my wife. having some success, some setbacks, unsure of what will happen. but CERTAIN history will not repeat itsef.

sorry, but i wanted to ask the ladies a question here: i have been following this site for 7 weeks and have observed that most of you even though after being betrayed and lied to still love your h. Whats wrong with your H's, cant they see what they are loosing? i wished some of your stick tuitiveness <(sp) would rub off on my w. keep your heads up, one thing for certain, we all be over this over time and with God's help.

1. betrayed or betrayer?<BR>Betrayed<BR>2. length of affair?<BR>W told me jun '96, still on-going<BR>3. Where did you/they meet the OP?<BR>Co-worker<BR>4. How old was the betrayer?<BR>Same age as I am (40), W is 37<BR>5. Discovery date?<BR>June 26, 1996 <BR>6. Current status?<BR>She has finally chosen to be rid of me, we are separating November 10 (sold our house) and as soon as she closes on her house she is going to file for divorse. He is still with his W for the time being but I think that will change once my W is apart from me.

Samantha-MI<P>Here goes:<P>Updated list:<P>1. Betrayer<P>2. #1-Club, 4yrs, 37, n/a, No contact<BR> #2-Work, 2yrs, 43, n/a, No contact<BR> #3-Work, 2yrs, 45, n/a, No contact<BR> #4-Work, 11yrs,47, n/a, No contact<BR> #5-Work, 2 yrs,58, 10/97 No contact <P>That's it.<P> <P><BR>

In answer to toolbox:<BR>I didn't think I loved my husband or that he loved me anymore...thought about living him just before discovery because I felt unwanted...he was always in a bad mood when he was around me...but...when I discovered his affair with OW my feelings for him came alive, my frustrations came out in tears and I realized that I loved him more than anything and that I would not let her have him....I told her so.....I was clear when I told her I will not stop having sex with him.....and I told her I loved him....I really fought for him....enough for her to pack her bags and leave the place of employment....tomorrow is her last day....I told him that its my love for him and my deep love for my children that has kept this marriage together....If I did not love him, I would not have stayed.....and.....I don't think I could ever cheat on him.....I could not live with myself.....I am too honest.....I am an open book......I would not be able to look at him straight in the eyes.....although I have threatened to have an affair.....but I don't mean it.....yes.....they don't know how lucky they are to have such nices wifes......they are only able to see what the other person is doing........

I was surprised to see how many of the affairs started on the internet - not counting multiple affairs, I counted 7 internet, 10 work, and 7 other. I wonder if the same ratio would hold true for shorter-lived affairs.

Hello to...MKN, Sad4ever, Flipper, Nellie1, Professorg, CutieP, Neen, Sue, Liz Smith, Pilot's wife, and Toolbox,<P>(Whew...that was a mouthful! )<P>Thanks so much for responding to the post. <P>Liz it seems we do indeed have much to be grateful for. I have and will concentrate more on prayers for those here who don't see as much hope in their situations.<P>Toolbox, yes I think that my husband is crazy sometimes. It is an amazing and hurtful thing. I also have to agree with Sad4ever too though. After discovery I realized just how much I did love my husband after thinking that maybe much of it had died. What I didn't feel then I have fallen back in love with him. Partly because I feel that I have had the ability to get to know him better sense then as he has spent time with me and let me get to know those sides of him that he had kept hidden for years.<P>Sad4ever, except that I have never spoken to the OW our stories in regard to feelings and how things were coming down are so similar it is scary.<P>I hope still more people post particularly with success stories or the hopeful ones. <P>I sure need a shot of hope here. I think all of us do.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

1. betrayed or betrayer? betrayed<BR>2. length of affair? 8 months and still going<BR>3. Where did you/they meet the OP? at work<BR>4. How old was the betrayer? 33<BR>5. Discovery date? June 99<BR>6. Current status? We are seperated so that he can think and make a decision. He is still seeing the OW (they lived together for about a month). Me or our son haven't seen H in a month. Loseing hope.<BR>

Ok,, you wanted success stories? This should give the most frustrated, dismal, long lasting situations a shot of hope! <P>1. Betrayed<BR>2. YEARS<BR>3. H was 40, I was 38,,OW was 45!!<BR>4. Met her (where else?)in a bar.<BR>6. Happier than we have been for years and years,,possibly ever. He is sincerely sorry and tries his best to show me in every way. I have accepted my part in the deterioration of our marriage and have changed also. It's a long, hard, tough road, possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life,,but so far, for us, it has been well worth the effort. I wish happiness and the best of luck to all of you. <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited September 12, 2001).]

Okay, what the heck<P>1. Betrayed - repeatedly it turns out.<P>2. The "last straw" had lasted 2+ years and broke his heart, according to him. There had been 4 more prior (that he admitted to), I know there were at least several more going back at least 5 years, probably as far back as 10 years.<P>3. He would cultivate relationships with different women through his job (an airline), and through the volunteer fire dept.<P>4. He will be 38 next month.<P>5. Discovered that he had been unfaithful 9/98. Found letters he wrote to "her" 10/98. Yeah, I suppose I'm going through the "one year ago now" blues...<P>6. I filed divorce papers 5/98. Still negotiating the details. Hope to have it final in the next month or so.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

1. Betrayer<BR> <BR>2. 1 1/2 years<BR> 3. <BR>3. I met the OM at work.<BR> <BR>4. The betrayer at the time, was 25.<P>5. Discovery date - February 1999<P>6. Current status? - Still working on marriage, trying to get it right, although H is not sure if he wants to. Love my husband more than anything, and want to grow old with him.<BR>

Viki, Nerlycrzy & Patient;<P>Thanks so much for responding here. <P>Connor, I will be saying special prayer for you and your husband. I hope that he reacts like many of us betrayed respond and decides he loves you tons and wants to grow old with you too. I can tell by the words in your post that you have learned much and want to make this all right. <P>I do believe after we all get through this we can have stronger than ever marriages.<P>Thanks again all! <BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

I've been gone all wknd but logged on to see how everyone was doing. Just wanted to add my stats to the list:<P>Betrayed<BR>Affair lasted 11 years 7 months<BR>OP was 10 years younger then my H and 7 years then me<BR>Discovery was Dec. 1996<BR>Recovery has been slow but we love each other too much to give up. We are more then overcomers, we are conquerers through God's power.<BR>I've posted this before but I am on this forum rather in hind sight. I didn't have the support I needed so desperatedly when discovery and recovery were in their beginnings. I am greatly helped even now for I believe something as devastating as betrayal never totally goes away. I do believe my husband and I will be together forever.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited October 31, 1999).]