A good thing, chicka.



Maybe because he seems to be going through so much turmoil over this and isn't trying to deflect or blame his actions on anyone else.

Like Susie said, we'd support your decision no matter what.

I actually read some of that post about a week ago, but i will re-read. thank you.

he is a mess beacuse he told the truth for the first time. I guess after so many years of your life being a lie i would be a mess too. When he is around me it more like its about me and my pain, he is not woe is me-ing. the note was his confession, but it didnt hint at a pity party.

he had made serious changes, when we started the program, what other changes should he be making? ideas.

I am just taking it easy for a few days, i am still numb. I did ask for the truth and i got it, that what you are supposed to do. why is it different this time? When i learned of # 1 and #2, i was still willing to make it work and we were. these were even longer ago than the #1 and #2. so really what the difference, what is making this worse for me.

we are working with jennifer- would you suggest dr. harley for him?

Ask Jennifer what she thinks about him talking by himself.

Your thoughts about, this time, the revelations not really bothering you as much make sense to me. Kind of hard to explain, but maybe it's because, now, you're actually ok with not staying married at all costs?

The Dr does not do phone coaching.
Are you able to post on the private forum?
Ask Jennifer.

yep this stinks...

i think we have an appt today, or its next week, i will ask about what she thinks.

I am not able to post in the private forum, but i will aso ask.

it was better when we had a plan to work for, i am just wandering today.

You can only post on the private forum if you do the Program #3, the online seminar.

Every dday/more trickle truth drains your LB$. I hope your WH really understands this. Dr Harley was able to get through to my H (on the radio show) the importance of being honest...do you think your H would be willing to call into the show?

i will look at the program #3.

He does get it, he was just a "coward" and could say it. Jennifer got him on this, but it took so long for all of it to come out. She wasnt surprised, after the second time and gave me the impression, that it wouldnt be uncommn for more to come out.

I actually had a question about her comment, she said i have seen this and that i was lucky it was happening so fast after i found out, well now its a bit longer, but i assume some people can go for months working on MB and then when the realtionship is at its most secure, the WS feels comfortable to tell more. I could see that happening, well i gues it did in my case......

I dont know if he would do the radio, actually i think he would do anything i asked him. you have to email a specific question? what would that be?

I did listen to the link this AM about the diff between serial and one time - interesting.... Jennifer toched on all of those things and we have been following a very intense EP. but i still think the character issue has a bit of weight.

For me it is all about the willingness to make changes, implement EPs and make the M a priority. I feel more hopeful about your H than I do about some other one-time WSs I hear about on this forum for this reason... (not to say I wouldn't understand if you don't think you could get over it, because I do!)

You can email the show and tell them your situation and ask if they could talk to your H and tell him what he needs to do to fix this or if you want to talk to them yourself, you could do that as well! Whatever Jennifer said didn't get through to your H because he was still trickle truthing you, right? Maybe Dr Harley will be able to get through to him? It could be worth a shot...

thank you! I am just going to take care of myself today.

As i type he sent me a cc: on an email to our friend witht he poly guy stating her want this set ASAP and can he help (we have tought time connecting). isnt that my job to set up?

I will ask him if he would do this or maybe just i will, just have to come up with the question i want answered, i know you only get like 5 min so it better be good.

i do appreciate this, it make me feel better.

Does this polygrapher (?) specialize in adultery? Because some do and would be able to help you with the Qs. If you can't find one like that, you could also put a call out to schoolbus, she has a lot of experience with polys and could help you with your Qs for your situation.

I just spoke to the poly man, but would love advice, he did say my question would be carefully thought out and he had some suggestions, he was helpful and considerate. since i already know about the affairs, i cannot ask did you sex with anyone other than you wife. its called a single issue test.

he does specialize in personal issues as well as criminal, my firned has used him many times.

the other question i need to come up with is what to ask dr. H. on the radio show? I will suggest that my H listen to it. and maybe ask a question, but i really dont want him poking around here too much, this is my place for now to vent. I have mentioned i am communicating on a site, but not more than that. he hasnt pushed it, but at some point like i told NW- i am going to have to be O&H and tell him i have blabbed our D- rate drama all over the internet......

ok i have to stop, i just came across this.... ugghh this sound like him.

Serial Cheaters - Narcissists

A typical reason for infidelity is that one spouse may be a narcissist who often becomes a serial cheater. The narcissist is most likely to have many affairs and will pursue anyone they can manipulate with their boundless words and actions.

Narcissists are self-absorbed and tend to be highly charming. They have a constant need for admiration. They view all events in terms of how the events impact them and them alone. They are master manipulators and feel an "emotional high" with each new conquest. Their behavior is often impulsive which can appear exciting. These individuals lack compassion unless it helps them achieve their goals. They are unwilling to see or consider anything from another person's viewpoint. They will continue the emotional control with a target until the relationship becomes too burdensome. They utilize no moral boundaries in their pursuit of admiration and physical activity from the opposite sex; frequently offering marriage, promises, baptism, children, etc. Literally - whatever the target "needs to hear" in order to close the deal is what the narcissist will say and do. Their targets are usually married which heightens the feeling of conquest. They frequently have several affairs going on at once with no regard to the damage caused by their reckless pursuit of self-gratification. Narcissists develop specialized talents such as crying on cue, "elegantly" deceiving without stumble, saying just the right things at just the right time, etc. all designed to aid in attaining their goal.

Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. This character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse(s). It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the "need to be accepted by all" mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside their marriage; they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouse even suggests divorce.

chickadee, please don't armchair-analyze your WH. Avoid reading those one-size-fits-all analyses. I used to think my FWH was narcissistic, too. Oh, yeah, I read all of that stuff online that proceeds to explain the psyche of strangers. I had to put down the magnifying glass and quit staring at him like a bug. Because he was/is what he was/is: a remorseful wayward who needed to be led out of his desert of entitlement and lack of boundaries.

I understand you desire to understand. Truly, I do. But analyzing his psyche will distract you from the rebuilding that the two of you need to accomplish together.

I agree, but i am a picker.... I am just having a hard time comprehening this. One or 2 i can see that maybe there was something that they thought was lacking in the marrige. this is just alot, and the lies, he told and to all of them too, it was like a game for him. Its just strange. First it was about sex, then it was about passion, the last comment it was about feeling needed. it just all very off for me. He does sound a bit narcissistic. at least i can say yeah i can see that. and not what i am doing now- which is wtf is this....

"Because he was/is what he was/is: a remorseful wayward who needed to be led out of his desert of entitlement and lack of boundaries. " - i dont know where to begin on this.

You know you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out your husband's brain, right?

Your thread title:

Stick to the plan.
The great "why?" will not help save your marriage.

I remember


having my time (wasted) with that wall of logic vs no logic.

i know, i know, i just need to figure out why and how this happens to someone.

Okay, here's my loosely-guided secret to accepting my FWH's actions: I just kept repeating to myself: "That is the most stupid, damaging thing he's ever done, or will ever do. How stupid he was. What an absolutely stupid and mindless thing to do..." and any version of that. It helped me. Because you're not going to arrive at an "Ah-ha" moment, chickadee. It will never be clear and understandable to you. You're not going to be able to make a place for this in a well-ordered, sensible world. It's out of order and it makes no sense.

mb, do I see a pattern here?